first lady
Michelle Obama Invites Awesome Haitian Lady To SOTU FLOTUS Box
Your FLOTUS correspondent can smell an ABC Family original movie a mile away, and this one smells like some combination of Ruby Bridges, that documentary about the choir for elderly people, and scallions. It is the story of Desaline Victor. Who is Desaline Victor? “At age 102, it’s possible Desaline Victor is the oldest guest [...]
Second Term Michelle Obama Will Win Grammy, Keep Stealing Your Favorite Snacks
Good day to you, FLOTUS fans! How have you been lately? Have you been obeying your morning arm-workout regimen or have you been binge eating in your bathroom? Michelle is always watching, you know! Your FLOTUS correspondent has been busy these past few weeks, considering a run for Jesse Jackson, Jr.’s congressional seat. (This is [...]
Michelle Obama Does Topless Magazine Cover For Filthy Europeans
Here is the great news for those of us who have longed for some FLOTUS in our lives these past few days: Michelle Obama is involved in another scandal again, and surprise surprise, it involves Spain and France and being an African and, oh wait, NUDITY. And once our nation’s bucket hat-wearing slobs and zombie [...]
Michelle Obama Threatened By Cops, People Who Hate Spider-Man Musicals
One would think that the words following “Michelle Obama threatened by…” would be something along the lines of “Slurpee Machine Technicians” or “Vengeful Hoveround Gang.” Actually, though, the threats made against the First Lady’s life in recent days came from – surprise! – a police officer and a run-of-the-mill moron. First, a D.C. police officer [...]
Michelle Obama Jumps Rope To Amusement of Obese Kelly Ripa Fans
Why hello, FLOTUS fans. Have you been wondering what your First Lady Michelle Antoinette Obama has been up to the past few weeks? Anything particularly scandalous aside from hanging out on Pinterest looking at pictures of smoothies and going around, giving advice to hopelessly unemployed college graduates? Oh, here is something to freak out about: [...]
Michelle Obama Spends More Time on Television Than Actual Actors, According to Vague Statement
We have been following Michelle Obama’s television escapades – most recently, an appearance on The Biggest Loser and Colbert – and we are not the only ones. Fox News would like you to know that Michelle Obama is now the “most televised” First Lady. When she’s not secretly plotting the Obama administration’s next move in [...]
FLOTUS Visits Late Show, Things Get Real
Our beloved FLOTUS has been the subject of some “trouble” lately, but of course, that is one of the things we like about her. We also adore her style, charm, and biceps. That Michelle Obama charm was on full display last night, when our FLOTUS made an appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman. [...]
Michelle Obama Takes Millionth Vacation For Fake Holiday
Here we are again, trying to keep the rats from eating the last of our Ramen noodles while our FLOTUS wines and dines (in reasonable portions, of course) across the country. This past weekend, Michelle Obama took the First Niñas on a ski adventure in Aspen, Colorado, providing the American people with a sixteenth(!!!!) occasion [...]
Michelle Obama Punished With NASCAR Race In Everglades
Our Michelle Obama just likes to surprise us every day, mostly with bad news about how we’re all killing ourselves, eating things that are probably not classified as “food” by any branch of science. But she also likes to surprise us by showing up places where a FLOTUS would not be expected to appear, like [...]
Michelle Obama Tricks Obese Into Boycotting The Olive Garden
Who is the latest casualty in Michelle Obama’s war against calories and fun? Prepare yourselves, because this one is a huge blow to this country’s Proud Obese and their important culture and lifestyle: the Darden Restaurant Corporation is what will now murder your children with mixed greens. You might not have heard of this Darden, [...]
FLOTUS Hamburger Scandal Overshadows Crucial Story On Bees
Michelle Obama is taking a nap right now because, haven’t you heard, she ate herself into a coma last week. Somewhere, a couple of news desk interns are very proud of themselves, because their cranky, jaded editor shouted, “HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN A HAMBURGER?” and they got out their little calculators as fast as [...]
Michelle Obama’s Week of Living Hell
Real Americans know that they are living in the Greatest Country in the World, no matter how many hours they spend in the unemployment line, because that’s just how it is, forever. So why does Michelle Obama, the wife of our President and part-owner of First Dog, Bo, think that she is living in hell? [...]
America’s Most Tolerable People Are Michelle Obama & Bill Clinton
Michelle popped some bubbly down in Mississippi on Friday to celebrate the week she beat hubby Barack at the old “Guess how many people like me better than you?” game. Oh, and it was also to christen some Coast Guard ship named after the first female commissioned officer, but the crowd was too distracted by [...]
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