Tag Archives: first lady

  everybody must get droned

Minnesota Hero Seeks To Use Drones To Deliver Beer; We’ll Take One Million, Please

Beer. As the great philosopher said, it is the cause of and solution to all life’s problems. And one brave man was trying to make it easier for people to cause and/or solve problems, by using good ol’ American ingenuity to find a better, faster, easier way to get your frothy goodness to you. From the Star Tribune: The idea seemed ingenious: Delivering 12-packs of beer to the cold, windswept surfaces of popular ice fishing lakes — using a drone. Reading this, we literally heard a Hallelujah chorus, as a ray of golden sunlight illuminated our computer screen. What giant among men, what hero in a world full of fallen souls was Touched by the Hand of a Muse with such utter, simple brilliance? Seriously, this is the kind of thing Pete Seeger would write a folk song about, peace be upon him. Anything to make alcohol easier to obtain gets a million thumbs-up from us. But, Glorious Readers, it was not to be. For you see, drones are meant to kill innocent wedding parties, not deliver hoppy, wonderful goodness to your frozen fishing shack. Come with us, and learn more about this tragic tale.  Read more on Minnesota Hero Seeks To Use Drones To Deliver Beer; We’ll Take One Million, Please…
  shut your whore mouth

Rick Perry’s Wife Says Thing About Abortion, Is Immediately Corrected By Loving, All-Knowing Husband

This weekend, when some guy named Evan from the Texas Tribune asked what Anita Perry — missis to Rick — thought about all the abortifying going on down in Texas that her husband is so obsessed with getting rid of, Mrs. Perry said: Well, that’s really difficult for me Evan, because I see it as a woman’s right. If they want to do that, that is their decision. They have to live with that decision. “Evan” was apparently not sure he had heard her correctly. Mrs. Perry I want to be sure that you didn’t just inadvertently make news. Are you saying that you believe that abortion is a woman’s right — to make that choice? It is not mine. It is not something that I would say for them. And then the guy went on and on about it, repeating that word “choice” and “Are you sure you’re sure?” about 100 times. But Anita stood her aborted ground and went so far as to suggest that maybe, just maybe, a gal could even make medical decisions for her ownself, just like if she had a penis and wanted a procedure. Well I don’t really think that’s making news. I mean, I think that yeah, that could be a woman’s right. Just like it’s a man’s right if he wants to have some kind of procedure. Oh really now? Anita Perry thinks that what other women do is none of her business and it could be a woman’s right to decide for herself what she does at the doctor just like a man can decide for himself? Got it. Y’all reckon Rick Perry got it? Read more on Rick Perry’s Wife Says Thing About Abortion, Is Immediately Corrected By Loving, All-Knowing Husband…
  Sadvertising

Even the Ads Are Racist On World Net Daily

ATTENTION CHERISHED CORPORATE SPONSORS: The above disgusting manipulation of First Lady Michelle Obama is disgusting, and we endorse its use for two purposes only: Art, and to show everybody what despicable bilge passes for appropriate advertising at WorldNetDaily, a U.S. top-500 website that employs a former Senator and also takes monies from many private companies, at least a few of which/whom may find this ad to be disgusting… because it is! Read more on Even the Ads Are Racist On World Net Daily…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Invites Awesome Haitian Lady To SOTU FLOTUS Box

Your FLOTUS correspondent can smell an ABC Family original movie a mile away, and this one smells like some combination of Ruby Bridges, that documentary about the choir for elderly people, and scallions. It is the story of Desaline Victor. Who is Desaline Victor? “At age 102, it’s possible Desaline Victor is the oldest guest ever to attend a State of the Union address.” We are apparently not one hundred percent sure that she is the oldest, but we will run with it! Desaline Victor is also “an immigrant, former farm worker, and respected elder and minority from one of the poorest parts of South Florida.” Naturally, she will be sitting with First Lady Michelle Obama during the State of the Union as part of the all-important Second Term Agenda Item Dream Team. As both an immigrant and victim of Florida voting procedures, Victor brings age and experience to a guest box that will also include military families and victims of gun violence. Read more on Michelle Obama Invites Awesome Haitian Lady To SOTU FLOTUS Box…
  flotus files

Second Term Michelle Obama Will Win Grammy, Keep Stealing Your Favorite Snacks

Good day to you, FLOTUS fans! How have you been lately? Have you been obeying your morning arm-workout regimen or have you been binge eating in your bathroom? Michelle is always watching, you know! Your FLOTUS correspondent has been busy these past few weeks, considering a run for Jesse Jackson, Jr.’s congressional seat. (This is very time consuming, as one must rack up a sufficient number of felony convictions in order to be considered a truly viable candidate.) But now, rejoice we shall! For our Queen First Lady “Let Them Eat Egg Whites” Michelle Obama has been granted a second term. And so we must begin the required speculation: were these first four years just a preamble to something much greater? Will the REAL Michelle Obama finally show her true colors, and if so, how much will these colors cost us, the peasant taxpayers? That depends on how many obese 5th graders she will hire to carry her to the Grammy Awards. Read more on Second Term Michelle Obama Will Win Grammy, Keep Stealing Your Favorite Snacks…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Does Topless Magazine Cover For Filthy Europeans

Here is the great news for those of us who have longed for some FLOTUS in our lives these past few days: Michelle Obama is involved in another scandal again, and surprise surprise, it involves Spain and France and being an African and, oh wait, NUDITY. And once our nation’s bucket hat-wearing slobs and zombie white ladies finish fantasizing about what Clint Eastwood would say to them if they were an empty chair (gross!) they will probably get around to being “appalled” that our First Lady is a naked slave on a foreign magazine. Or they will fight for as many copies as they can get their creepy, trembling hands on. Actually, they will probably experience both of these reactions simultaneously. So what now, Ann Romney, homemaker/equestrian? Read more on Michelle Obama Does Topless Magazine Cover For Filthy Europeans…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Threatened By Cops, People Who Hate Spider-Man Musicals

One would think that the words following “Michelle Obama threatened by…” would be something along the lines of “Slurpee Machine Technicians” or “Vengeful Hoveround Gang.” Actually, though, the threats made against the First Lady’s life in recent days came from – surprise! – a police officer and a run-of-the-mill moron. First, a D.C. police officer “who worked as a motorcycle escort for White House officials and other dignitaries” was just jokin’ around with his pals and figured the time was right to whip out a picture of a gun and proclaim that he would use it to shoot Michelle Obama. Okay sure! But do not worry, he has been moved to an “administrative position” now, for safety. And then there was the poor idiot who made a bomb joke at a bad time. In 2012 in New York City. Really, sir? Read more on Michelle Obama Threatened By Cops, People Who Hate Spider-Man Musicals…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Jumps Rope To Amusement of Obese Kelly Ripa Fans

Why hello, FLOTUS fans. Have you been wondering what your First Lady Michelle Antoinette Obama has been up to the past few weeks? Anything particularly scandalous aside from hanging out on Pinterest looking at pictures of smoothies and going around, giving advice to hopelessly unemployed college graduates? Oh, here is something to freak out about: our FLOTUS went on “Live! With Kelly!” on Monday to show off how completely not-obese she is, which is very elitist of her. She was wearing “palazzo pants,” because again, she thinks she is too good for jorts and a two-for-one pack of tee-shirts from Walmart! That’s the thing about our Michelle. One minute she is renting out a Spanish palace mosque for herself and her closest girlfriends, and the next minute she’s jumping rope, like poor children do in after-school specials about diversity. Read more on Michelle Obama Jumps Rope To Amusement of Obese Kelly Ripa Fans…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Spends More Time on Television Than Actual Actors, According to Vague Statement

We have been following Michelle Obama’s television escapades – most recently, an appearance on The Biggest Loser and Colbert – and we are not the only ones. Fox News would like you to know that Michelle Obama is now the “most televised” First Lady. When she’s not secretly plotting the Obama administration’s next move in the ongoing Battle of the Sexes (like the radio show/board game, except the prize is an unwanted pregnancy) our Michelle has been hitting every circuit, from late night comedy to mid-morning children’s to late afternoon tween. But since this is an election year, it is important, according to this article, to ask ourselves, “Was Michelle Obama being sincere with those muppets on Sesame Street, or just trying to get their votes?” Read more on Michelle Obama Spends More Time on Television Than Actual Actors, According to Vague Statement…
  flotus files

FLOTUS Visits Late Show, Things Get Real

Our beloved FLOTUS has been the subject of some “trouble” lately, but of course, that is one of the things we like about her. We also adore her style, charm, and biceps. That Michelle Obama charm was on full display last night, when our FLOTUS made an appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman. She talked about Bo the dog, her favorite place ever (Target), and, of course, The Troops. She laughed, and she even cried, and then asked in frustration, “Where are the laughs?” which was quite profound, as it is a question that America is struggling to answer. Read more on FLOTUS Visits Late Show, Things Get Real…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Takes Millionth Vacation For Fake Holiday

Here we are again, trying to keep the rats from eating the last of our Ramen noodles while our FLOTUS wines and dines (in reasonable portions, of course) across the country. This past weekend, Michelle Obama took the First Niñas on a ski adventure in Aspen, Colorado, providing the American people with a sixteenth(!!!!) occasion to explode with rage. But this wasn’t actually our FLOTUS’ most scandalous action over the weekend. Over at CNN, there is somebody with a grievance against the First Lady, and surprisingly, it is not because of her fancy vacations. It is because of the way she is taking those fancy vacations, on holidays that do not exist. Read more on Michelle Obama Takes Millionth Vacation For Fake Holiday…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Punished With NASCAR Race In Everglades

Our Michelle Obama just likes to surprise us every day, mostly with bad news about how we’re all killing ourselves, eating things that are probably not classified as “food” by any branch of science. But she also likes to surprise us by showing up places where a FLOTUS would not be expected to appear, like on the set of a popular tween teevee show about a girl who doesn’t get knocked up like her Nickelodeon peers despite being named after an mp3 player. Unfortunately, the 2012 End Times are upon us, which means our FLOTUS now must cut back on fun television appearances and start making important trips to awful sporting events, where the important voters are. Like NASCAR! Read more on Michelle Obama Punished With NASCAR Race In Everglades…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Tricks Obese Into Boycotting The Olive Garden

Who is the latest casualty in Michelle Obama’s war against calories and fun? Prepare yourselves, because this one is a huge blow to this country’s Proud Obese and their important culture and lifestyle: the Darden Restaurant Corporation is what will now murder your children with mixed greens. You might not have heard of this Darden, but this is the thing that owns Olive Garden and Red Lobster, the restaurants that revolutionized the obesity epidemic by taking the ideas behind the fast food diabetes factories we all came to love, adding a tablecloth and silverware, and charging a few extra dollars for the same increased blood pressure. The Never Ending Pasta Bowl is American innovation at its best, so why doesn’t Michelle Obama want to Win the Future, through sheer body mass? Read more on Michelle Obama Tricks Obese Into Boycotting The Olive Garden…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Suddenly a Feminist, Hosts Abortion-Themed Luncheon

Over the past few weeks it has become increasingly clear that Michelle Obama will be forever remembered as the “First Lady of Stealing Everybody’s Money to Go on Vacation, Constantly and Without Remorse.” This will not change, no matter how many reasons there are to support her claim that she went to Africa for “official business” or to “empower young people.” But our FLOTUS does not actually care about this, because while everyone else is screaming and crying at the image of Michelle Obama appearing on the screen at the local Applebee’s, Michelle Obama is having sneaky quinceañera-style abortion fiestas with all her best librul girlfriends. Read more on Michelle Obama Suddenly a Feminist, Hosts Abortion-Themed Luncheon…
  flotus files

FLOTUS Hamburger Scandal Overshadows Crucial Story On Bees

Michelle Obama is taking a nap right now because, haven’t you heard, she ate herself into a coma last week. Somewhere, a couple of news desk interns are very proud of themselves, because their cranky, jaded editor shouted, “HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN A HAMBURGER?” and they got out their little calculators as fast as they could, to add “Ruined Michelle Obama’s day” to their useless resumés. Of course, our FLOTUS can easily bounce back from any non-scandal, maybe because she has Harry Potter on her side or because she is a magazine model, but mostly because no one actually cares about what Michelle Obama eats for lunch, especially Michelle Obama, who is busy implementing the next phase of her anti-obesity campaign, which involves bees. Read more on FLOTUS Hamburger Scandal Overshadows Crucial Story On Bees…
  CAPS LOCK MAKES IT TRUE

FIRST LADY HARVESTS HUGE AND SWEET POTATOES, On Twitter

Don’t worry, Robert Gibbs (or whatever) is not that into the First Lady’s potatoes. Friday was just International Caps Lock/Type Like A 15-Year-Old Playing “Counter-Strike” On AOL Instant Messenger Day. (Either that OR the White House Twitter has been infected with a Chuck Grassley computer virus?) [The Hill] Read more on FIRST LADY HARVESTS HUGE AND SWEET POTATOES, On Twitter…
  the flotus files

Michelle Obama’s Week of Living Hell

Real Americans know that they are living in the Greatest Country in the World, no matter how many hours they spend in the unemployment line, because that’s just how it is, forever. So why does Michelle Obama, the wife of our President and part-owner of First Dog, Bo, think that she is living in hell? Is it because DC gets hot in the summer? Is it because the guy in charge (Fenty? the Devil?) is so scary? Maybe it’s because one day, Michelle Obama was at home in Chicago making a low-calorie organic smoothie when her husband came home and told her he was running for president — even though this was good news because all Michelle would have to do is look pretty and pick something non-partisan to champion, like curing fat children. And so she said, “Okay, as long as I am allowed to go on a brief vacation to Europe!” But as it turns out, vacations are not allowed, looking pretty is for old French monarchs, and curing fat children will lead to riots in the streets, for French fries. So, is the life of the FLOTUS really Hell? Read more on Michelle Obama’s Week of Living Hell…
  flotus files

America’s Most Tolerable People Are Michelle Obama & Bill Clinton

Michelle popped some bubbly down in Mississippi on Friday to celebrate the week she beat hubby Barack at the old “Guess how many people like me better than you?” game. Oh, and it was also to christen some Coast Guard ship named after the first female commissioned officer, but the crowd was too distracted by the first lady’s powerful arms swinging around a bottle of party juice to remember the actual point of the festivities. Yes, America, last week you were asked the crucial economic question, “If you were trapped on an island with Barack Obama, Michelle Obama, former sexy president Bill Clinton, and noted wordsmith Sarah Palin, which celebrity would you appoint to protect you from radioactive, oil-soaked wildlife and socialism?” Read more on America’s Most Tolerable People Are Michelle Obama & Bill Clinton…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Fans Bravely Battle Glenn Beck’s Inability To Tell Dresses From Pants

Instead of her usual jogging and preparing salads for America’s fat kids, Michelle Obama took a little vacation down on the Gulf Coast last week to meet with business and community leaders and talk about how our love of driving Escalades around aimlessly on hot summer days, for fun, has ruined the South’s prime sunbathing region. Michelle pointed out that it is not her job to save the Gulf Coast from disaster — she has a childhood obesity epidemic to defeat and stylish clothes to buy! It’s up to the rest of America to preserve Spring Break towns for future generations, and this means listening to Michelle when she tells us that not all the beaches are covered in seagull heaps and dolphin carcasses, and for this reason we should all “come down here and spend some money.” Read more on Michelle Obama Fans Bravely Battle Glenn Beck’s Inability To Tell Dresses From Pants…
  journamalism

Can Black Female Reporters Deliver The Hard-Hitting East Wing Reportage Americans Crave?

Throughout the history of American journalism, reporters have upheld one vital standard: asking the tough questions and holding to account the most powerful person in the nation, which is to say, the First Lady. But is our national legacy of unbiased investigative East Wing reporting suddenly in peril because some black gals are writing about Michelle Obama? Read more on Can Black Female Reporters Deliver The Hard-Hitting East Wing Reportage Americans Crave?…
  america's grandmother

BARBARA BUSH HAS SUCCESSFUL HEART SURGERY: Former first lady (and a Pierce by birth, never you forget) Barbara Bush underwent what the cretins call “open heart surgery” earlier today. Doctors successfully removed the Jameson bottle and now she’s… oops, wrong Kennedy. You only heard about this news tonight because it would have been very uncouth to alert the public to this embarrassing affair earlier in the day. Oh, puddingsticks. [CNN] Read more on …
  hawt

Sexy New Portrait of First Lady Michelle Obama

The latest proof that George W. Bush is gone and Barack Obama is president and we didn’t all just imagine this, on drugs, is this new official White House portrait of first lady Michelle Obama. And CNN, our nation’s teevee news channel, has stories like this one: “How to get Michelle Obama’s toned arms.” Please gaze upon this official portrait respectfully, hands up where we can see them, as she is the first lady. [White House] Read more on Sexy New Portrait of First Lady Michelle Obama…