Tag Archives: first ladies

  wonkette thanksgiving classics

Making Thanksgiving ‘Monkey Bread’ With Nancy Reagan

Enjoy this Wonkette Holiday Classic recipe all over again, as though The Gipper was still wandering around somewhere. Whatever the hell “monkey bread” might be — something racist, we assume — it was the thing our favorite first lady Nancy Reagan was known to “cook,” at Thanksgiving or whatever. For America, and for Ronnie! Delight the people at the Holiday Table with this splendid treat. Read more on Making Thanksgiving ‘Monkey Bread’ With Nancy Reagan…
  wonkette thanksgiving classics

Making Thanksgiving ‘Monkey Bread’ With Nancy Reagan

Enjoy this Wonkette Holiday Classic recipe all over again, as though The Gipper was still wandering around somewhere: Whatever the hell “monkey bread” might be — something racist, we assume — it was the thing our favorite first lady Nancy Reagan was known to “cook,” at Thanksgiving or whatever. For America, and for Ronnie! Delight the people at the Holiday Table with this splendid treat. Read more on Making Thanksgiving ‘Monkey Bread’ With Nancy Reagan…
  flotus files

The Inevitable ‘Who Wore It Best?’ Michelle Obama vs. Ann Romney Smackdown

Before going into too much detail, the answer is Michelle Obama. Always. Unless of course the question is, “Who ate the rest of my french fries?” (The answer to that question used to be The Snowbilly, but now who knows?!) If you watched last night’s debate long enough to see the spouses emerge from the dark tunnels under America’s “undecided” voters, you may have noticed that OMG LADIES WEARING THE SAME COLOR OUTFIT!!! This is what happens when you are trapped in Mitt Romney’s lady-binders, we guess? Or it was a dumb breast cancer thing. (Women’s vote! Ladies just love their pink ribbons and October breast cancer-themed Lifetime movie marathons.) Let us explore! Read more on The Inevitable ‘Who Wore It Best?’ Michelle Obama vs. Ann Romney Smackdown…
  flotus files

FLOTUS Dangerously Suggests Possible Woman President in 100 Years

Our dear First Lady Michelle Obama was out gardening yesterday, because what else is new? Normally, our FLOTUS just hangs out in her vegetable garden, looking pretty and planting things basically to stick it to a nation that has resorted to fashioning tex-mex laxative alternatives out of Doritos. She is always pushing that envelope, our FLOTUS! But yesterday’s garden experience was, refreshingly, not about vegetables and exercise. It was a 100th anniversary celebration of the cherry blossom trees that were given to the United States by longtime frenemies, the Japanese. (Although, considering Helen Taft was the one outside planting trees back in 1912, one could argue that this event was also a celebration of 100 years of obesity!) And of course, because she is Michelle Obama, our FLOTUS just had to say something SHOCKING during this otherwise boring commemorative event. Spoiler alert: she suggested that a woman could someday be president! Mon dieu. Read more on FLOTUS Dangerously Suggests Possible Woman President in 100 Years…
  may your hinges always stay lubricated

Young Turks Kick Callista Gingrich When She’s Down (VIDEO)

Everyone hates Moon Empress and Lizardoid “V” Queen Callista Gingrich, this is not “news.” But why? Wonkette’s own Jim Newell explained she has never done anything to anyone (we guess Jim forgot about Newt’s second wife) and is not even running for anything so what who cayuhs. Well, Cenk [Last Name] of The Young Turks apparently does, that’s who, and put together a nightmare video, after the jump. Read more on Young Turks Kick Callista Gingrich When She’s Down (VIDEO)…
  fathead makes good

British Cable News Guy Has To Explain Simple Joke To Newt Gingrich

HRH Sir Piers Morgan of the Shire had amoral chocolate-sucking anus Newt Gingrich on his television show last night to discuss, among other things, Robert De Niro’s very controversial joke from an Obama fundraiser the other night: “Callista Gingrich. Karen Santorum. Ann Romney. Now do you really think our country is ready for a white first lady?” BOO! TAXI DRIVER/RAGING BULL NEVER HAPPENED. Or perhaps it was not a controversial joke at all, as noted communist Ann Coulter has been trying to explain. But fathead still hadn’t been able to figure it out, and needed a banal cable news host to explain it to him. Read more on British Cable News Guy Has To Explain Simple Joke To Newt Gingrich…
  today in pollery

Voters Simply Don’t Care For Callista Gingrich, Who Is Not Running For Anything

Why do pollsters do polls about candidates’ spouses? They just sort of stand there, on the trail, smiling, and then if the candidate wins they may launch some benign PR initiative, like recommending good nutrition and exercise for children. In other words, they poll candidates’ spouses because they’re extremely important figures who could end up indoctrinating our children! And Callista “Cally” Gingrich, according to the latest PPP poll, has an 18% favorability rating. It seems there’s quite a bit of jealousy out there among the 82% of American voters who haven’t had the pleasure of marrying Newt Gingrich yet. Read more on Voters Simply Don’t Care For Callista Gingrich, Who Is Not Running For Anything…
  ladies who are lunching

Noted Empath Barbara Bush: Compromise Doesn’t ‘Rhyme With Rich’

The students at Southern Methodist University must have played a uniquely terrible prank on some crusty old dean, to be punished with an on-campus “daylong conference on the influence of the nation’s first ladies.” Only in Texas could this be considered not “cruel and unusual.” So let this be a liberal snob indoctrination to you, kids: don’t get caught next time, and you won’t have to deal with Barbara Bush, Sr., and her daughter-in-law Girl With Faraway Eyes Laura Bush, and their ward, beloved former national fuck-up George W. Bush, griping at you about a White House mattress that was so uncomfortable they had to send it back! CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE? Well, on the bright side, at least the students unlucky enough to attend got to hear Babs trash some non-destitute people for a change, when she took the opportunity to call the 2012 GOP primary “the worst campaign I’ve ever seen in my life.” Read more on Noted Empath Barbara Bush: Compromise Doesn’t ‘Rhyme With Rich’…
  flotus files

FLOTUS Less Popular Among White Ladies With Poor Self-Esteem

Women in this country are under a tremendous amount of pressure right now, with scaly old men going out of their way and then some to make sure there is absolutely nothing left in place to prevent their personal “30 Kids and Counting” fantasies from coming true. They are still working on the part where they have to find actual women to do the sexing with them, but in good time, because apparently we are not only a nation of rampant obesity, but also widespread low self-esteem. Well, there is low self-esteem among white people – white women, to be exact, according to a Washington Post Survey which found that “67 percent of black women describe themselves as having high self-esteem, compared with 43 percent of white women.” This same survey also asked women to describe their feelings toward Michelle Obama, to which white women replied, “I do not care for her Bermuda shorts.” Read more on FLOTUS Less Popular Among White Ladies With Poor Self-Esteem…
  flotus files

Palin & Bachmann Have Opinions (!) About Breastfeeding Tax Breaks

Michelle Obama is (still) really grossed out by all the fat people in this country, and she will do anything to make them go away. She will build salad bars in every school cafeteria and throw all the chocolate-chip muffins in the toilet, as your children watch in horror. She will be the new greeter at the Wal-Mart, from now on, guarding the Hostess aisle, and letting Bo pee on anyone whose grocery cart contains over 25 grams of fat. These are drastic measures, but Michelle knows that she must do more to stop Americans from pumping themselves full of lard, because we are a determined people, and in these dismal times lard-pumping is what we do best. So our FLOTUS has decided to focus her anti-obesity efforts on babies, because they’re too helpless to fight back. And the full-grown babies of Minnesota and Alaska are none too pleased. Read more on Palin & Bachmann Have Opinions (!) About Breastfeeding Tax Breaks…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama and Carla Bruni Eat Lunch at the Cool Table

Our FLOTUS has a new right-hand lady! Her name is Tina Tchen, and she is some sort of robot creature who has a giant clock trapped inside of her that prevents her from sleeping. She runs on energy obtained from the extracted body fat of obese children. She is also from Chicago, because that is the only city capable of producing shiny new staff members for the White House. But Michelle’s new chief of staff is hardly news. The real excitement comes today because our FLOTUS will have another Sexy Gossip Time with First Italian-turned-French Lady of Fashion and Song, Carla Bruni. Read more on Michelle Obama and Carla Bruni Eat Lunch at the Cool Table…
  ghostbusters

Nancy Reagan To Visit White House!

Couch-bound American sweatpants-wearers love to smell their own farts and follow the fashion adventures of their First Lady, which is why they love Nancy Reagan and Michelle Obama equally. Laura Bush? Whatever, she just walked around in stiff light-blue suits all the time so PASS. Anyway, First Lady lovers (like Mr. T, left) will be sure to follow today and tomorrow’s activities at the White House very closely. Read more on Nancy Reagan To Visit White House!…
  busybodies

Michelle Obama Just Hillary Clinton Minus Pantsuit

Ohhhh the nerve. The new First Lady, having spent two years giving lengthy policy speeches on the campaign trail in support of her husband, is apparently now giving lengthy policy speeches again. This is highly inappropriate behavior for a lawyer and former executive who now finds herself jobless due to her husband running America. Read more on Michelle Obama Just Hillary Clinton Minus Pantsuit…
  exciting contest

Lucky ‘American Wife’ Contest Winners Announced

With over 130 submissions to the highly exclusive and prestigious “Tell us which first lady you like, as long as it wasn’t trampy Mrs. Fillmore” contest and only 10 copies of Curtis Sittenfeld’s American Wife to give, your chances of winning this thing were roughly equivalent to your chances of getting into Harvard last year. Ah, but the special privileges that society accords the Wonkette book contest winner! Many of you wrote that you liked Eleanor Roosevelt, because she was a pleasant lesbian with an overbite; Senator William Rufus King, also known as “Miss Nancy” and “Aunt Fancy,” for being bachelor president James Buchanan’s secret first lady; and Betty Ford, on account of the drugs. Read more on Lucky ‘American Wife’ Contest Winners Announced…
  exciting giveaways

Hey Rascals, Time Is Running Out On Your Chance To Win An ‘American Wife’

In a mere twelve-ish hours or so, Wonkette’s one-time-only “name your favorite First Lady” contest will close. So check out the Official Rules here and send in your wonderful 25-word Idears (that is what famous First Lady Howard Dean calls them) to tips@wonkette.com by noon tomorrow with the subject line MY FAVORITE FIRST LADY IS NOT THAT STRUMPET ABIGAIL FILLMORE. You might just win yourself a copy of that book, American Wife! Meanwhile, if you do not participate in this contest, you will be forced to chant “Nancy Reagan” into a mirror five times until the ghost of Jane Wyman shows up and murders you with a rusty eyelash curler. Read more on Hey Rascals, Time Is Running Out On Your Chance To Win An ‘American Wife’…
  america's next top first lady model

Tyra’s Most Daring Disguise Yet: Dressing As Classy Michelle Obama In ‘Harper’s Bazaar’

Tyra Banks is a former model who now has her own talk show where she dresses up in fat suits and wears a variety of bad wigs. She recently “went undercover” in some actual nice clothes and wore a wig that did not look like it was ripped from the scalp of your friendly neighborhood transsexual who works at the MAC counter at Macy’s, and thus was magically transformed into Michelle Obama. The real Michelle Obama is still hotter, alas. (Photo via Harper’s Bazaar.) [Harper’s Bazaar] Read more on Tyra’s Most Daring Disguise Yet: Dressing As Classy Michelle Obama In ‘Harper’s Bazaar’…
 

Michelle Obama, Fashion Plate

Here is the candidate’s wife at a children’s hospital in Puerto Rico Wednesday, wearing an insane ruffled-collar shirty deal to fend off the malaria. More photos of her towering over the shrimpy citizens of Puerto Rico in fashionable flats after the jump. Read more on Michelle Obama, Fashion Plate…
 

Happy Birthday, Betty Ford!

Betty Ford celebrates her 90th birthday today, and Wonkette offers up a hearty, nonalcoholic toast in her honor. For the 896 wonderful days of Gerald Ford’s presidency, this sassy dancing divorcee brought outspoken feminism and frank talk to the White House. And the pills, dear God, the pills and booze! Read more on Happy Birthday, Betty Ford!…
 

Hillary Clinton Caught In Millionth Bosnian Lie!

Ha ha, it turns out that Hillary Clinton even lies with her lying about her harrowing overseas adventures. First she says she once ran screaming through the streets of Tuzla smeared with the blood of Bosnian snipers as she singlehandedly brought peace to Northern Ireland; then she says she was the first president’s wife to visit a war zone since Eleanor Roosevelt. Wrong again, Pantsuit! That honor goes to Pat Nixon, who visited Vietnam with Sinbad way back in 1969. Read more on Hillary Clinton Caught In Millionth Bosnian Lie!…
 

The Foreigns: First Ladies GONE WILD!

Wonkette’s own Nicolas Sarkozy corespondent has kept you all up to date on l’affaire Bruni, which may result in France having a supermodel/rock star/groupie first lady. Obviously this brings up an important policy-related question, keeping in mind Kissinger’s dictum on power being the ultimate aphrodisiac: Who is the hottest presidential spouse? This week, we start with the top four first ladies. But don’t call us sexist, just shallow! Next week we move on to the first gentlemen, assessing the field before before Bill Clinton’s sad eyes and bad-boy charm blow everyone else out of the water. Read more on The Foreigns: First Ladies GONE WILD!…