Tag Archives: first amendment

  Aroint Thee Witch

Christian Town In Michigan Being Ensorcelled By Atheist Demon-Man, Smallfolk Panick

Oh bother, oh Baphomet.
The malign presence of Mitch Kahle, a confessed atheist witch-demon, has placed the Goodchristian town of Norton Shores, Michigan, in a Peril of losing its magick protections against evil. Kahle has already used his darck maege powers to beguile the smallbarons who do sitte upon the Ottawa County Board of Commissioners; And lo they did as he bade, purging the works of the Lord from the land. A blessed inscription of a Psalm at a publick parck is e’en now been rent asunder, and by some weirde alchemy, a towering crucifix that once stood proude on the commone Lande is become a scow’s anchor. Read more on Christian Town In Michigan Being Ensorcelled By Atheist Demon-Man, Smallfolk Panick…
  An Act Of Face

Supreme Court Says Muslim Inmate Can Grow Beard, Sharia Law Now In Effect

America now officially over
Get ready for another round of whining about “creeping Sharia,” America. The Supreme Court has ruled that an Arkansas prisoner can grow a beard because he’s a Muslim. The justices said that inmate Gregory Holt could maintain a half-inch beard because Arkansas prison officials could not substantiate claims that the beard posed a security risk. Read more on Supreme Court Says Muslim Inmate Can Grow Beard, Sharia Law Now In Effect…
  And Lawyers Are Like Pipe Bombs Or Something

California School Board Must Read Bible At Meetings Or The Terrorists Win

Don't mind me. Just sitting in. Hey, kids, want some loaves and fishes? I have extra
The school board of Chino, California, is being sued by the mean old Freedom From Religion Foundation (FFRF) just because it likes to open its meetings with a few prayers to Jesus. Plus some proselytizing during board meetings, and, OK, offering Bible classes taught with materials from a church, too. Members of the board are pretty sure they’re just doing what George Washington and Jesus want, which is to make sue that God isn’t excluded from public life. At a meeting last week, during which the board voted to seek an attorney to volunteer to defend the case, one board member compared the lawsuit to the recent terrorist attacks in France, because of course the First Amendment is a lot like an automatic rifle. Read more on California School Board Must Read Bible At Meetings Or The Terrorists Win…
  That's How The Baal Bounces

Satanic Temple’s Fun Coloring Book Ruins Bible Handout Day In Florida

Yes, the boy's name is Damien
Image from The Satanic Temple Rack up another First Amendment win for the Establishment Clause trolls at the Satanic Temple. The specter of children having access to a satanic-themed coloring book was simply too much for the Orange County School District in Florida, so it cancelled — or “indefinitely delayed” — a planned “Religious Freedom Day” distribution of Bibles and other religious literature, rather than allow the Satanic Temple to distribute its evil activity book. Read more on Satanic Temple’s Fun Coloring Book Ruins Bible Handout Day In Florida…
  He'll free speech you right in the face

Deadbeat Pro-Lifey Loser Ex-Congressjerk Joe Walsh Can’t Wait For Terrorists To Kill Everyone On TV

Joe Walsh (R-Actual Human Scumbag)
For a guy who loves Life and Freedom as much as he supposedly does, the former congressman and forever-scumbag Joe Walsh has a real neat Life-y and Freedom-y suggestion for the terrorists: Read more on Deadbeat Pro-Lifey Loser Ex-Congressjerk Joe Walsh Can’t Wait For Terrorists To Kill Everyone On TV…
  Sincerely held historical 'beliefs'

Oklahoma Just Wants To Protect Hobby Lobby’s Right To Teach Your Kids ‘Bout Jesus, No Big

Time for another history lesson
From the very same state that brought us the unconstitutional law to ban even the whispered mention of Sharia comes a shiny new bill to protect Hobby Lobby’s right to teach your kids about Jesus, America’s greatest founding father. Read more on Oklahoma Just Wants To Protect Hobby Lobby’s Right To Teach Your Kids ‘Bout Jesus, No Big…
  Oh Also The Entire Premise of The Story Is False. Did We Mention That?

Texas Walmart Discriminates Against Shotgun Wedding Photo (With Actual Shotgun)

NOT EVEN LIBERAL BLOG WONKETTE is offended by this. Giggling at, yes. Offended, no.
Yr Wonkette likes to think we are firmly in the radical gun-grabbing kneejerk pantywaist big sissy liberal portion of the political spectrum, but once in a rare while we find ourselves reading about something that is so idiotic that Even the Liberal Blog Wonkette has to agree it’s just too stupid for words. For instance, this story from Dallas about a nice couple, Stephanie Wehner and her fiancé Mitch Strobl, who submitted a packet of engagement photos to Walmart for copying. The photos came back with one photo missing — a tender loving picture of the gal, the beau, and the beau’s first true love, a “12 gauge Ruger Red Label Shotgun,” the very first gun he bought himself. Read more on Texas Walmart Discriminates Against Shotgun Wedding Photo (With Actual Shotgun)…
  Read The Return Policy Very Carefully

Alabama Town Now Owned By God. God To Flip It To Ganesh, Make Bank.

These foreign pictures just don't appeal much to us. Too many subtitles.
In a real estate deal of questionable legality, the City Council of Winfield, Alabama, recently passed a resolution declaring that Winfield is a “City Under God,” a necessary step because, as Mayor Randy Price said, the state and country are in “an awful condition.” The Marion County Journal Record expressed its approval in an editorial — it’s behind a paywall, but Hemant Mehta helpfully provides a screenshot: Read more on Alabama Town Now Owned By God. God To Flip It To Ganesh, Make Bank….
  Mentors: The Faithmaker

Jesus Has A Whole New Bag: Mentoring Ohio Public School Kids

Mentoring means the kids get Mentos, right?
So here’s a terrific idea to help At Risk Youth (you know, poor kids) overcome the problems of poverty: get them into a mentoring program, so they can learn skills for success and learn gooder in school. And so, with a bit of fanfare and a photo op surrounded by underprivileged kids and their smiling teachers, Ohio Gov. John Kasich went to a Cleveland elementary school in June to sign into law a bill that would provide $10 million in funds for mentoring. Yay, kids and success! Oh, and also, if schools want to participate in the mentoring program, they’ll have to partner with a business — because entrepreneurs made America great, we guess — and also partner with a church or other faith-based group, according to a report by Cleveland.com: Read more on Jesus Has A Whole New Bag: Mentoring Ohio Public School Kids…
  Only To Find Gideon's Bible

Nice Georgia Elementary School Giving All Its Children The Gift Of Jesus, Hooray!

Wrong Rocky Raccoon. (I take a 7 1/2)
A Georgia elementary school is doing something innovative for its students — no, silly, it’s not trying innovative methods for teaching math or getting kids excited about science. Instead, it’s inviting the Gideons into the school library and having kids line up to get their very own Bibles, which are apparently in such short supply in Georgia that volunteers are needed to hand them out in public schools. But hey, at least they’re promoting literacy by taking the kids to the library, maybe. Read more on Nice Georgia Elementary School Giving All Its Children The Gift Of Jesus, Hooray!…
  Trolling The Ancient Yuletide Carol

Satanic Temple Getting The Devil All Over Florida Now

In a victory for something, we guess, our favorite Separation Of Church And State trolls at the completely serious “Satanic Temple” have succeeded in winning a place for their “Fallen Angel” diorama in the Florida State Capitol. You may recall that last year, their effort to have the poor wingless thing added to the Capitol’s holiday display was rebuffed as “grossly offensive,” although the committee in charge of the seasonal idiocy did allow a Festivus pole made of beer cans and a statue of the Flying Spaghetti Monster made of whatever you make that out of. Read more on Satanic Temple Getting The Devil All Over Florida Now…
  Anarchy is for white people

Mike Huckabee Outraged Black People Don’t Want To Be Shot

What is he really trying to say?
Mike Huckabee, another Bible-humping wingnut whackadoodle who just might have to run for president to save America from itself, is a big fan of anarchy. Sometimes. Like, when judicial activists try to cram marriage equality down our throats? That is bad and unconstitutional, according to the Bible, and in Huckabee’s ideal America, brave governors who actually care about values and what they are pretty darned sure Jesus meant when he wrote the First Amendment would tell the courts to go throat-cram themselves by refusing to follow these unlawful laws. Read more on Mike Huckabee Outraged Black People Don’t Want To Be Shot…
  Wingnut Wish List

Mississippi Group Gonna Make Christianity The State Religion Without Violating Constitution, Just You See

Sure Why Not?
In a great victory for freedumb, the “Magnolia State Heritage Campign” is pushing a ballot initiative that would finally give the state’s Christian heritage the recognition that it deserves, writing into law that Mississippi is a “principally Christian and quintessentially Southern state” and also acknowledging that the Holy Bible is where all the state’s laws really come from. Read more on Mississippi Group Gonna Make Christianity The State Religion Without Violating Constitution, Just You See…
  Here have some news n stuff

Republican White Guy Real Sorry If Anyone Was Offended By Racist Slur Because It Is A Day

Former Gov. Haley Barbour (R-Sorryville)
Stop us if you’ve heard this one before. (You have, but keep reading.) Some crusty old white guy Republican dude says a racist thing. There’s a good chance he doesn’t even realize it is racist because he is too busy wanting his country back and missing the good old days when it was perfectly A-OK and acceptable among polite society to say racist things. If enough people explain to him that, “Hey, that thing you said is racist, AND THAT’S WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!” he just might apologize. Not for being racist. Heavens no. Not for saying a racist thing. Certainly not that. But if anyone was offended, well, sorry ’bout that part.Today’s crusty old white guy Republican dude is former Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour. (Yeah, we know you’re shocked.) Read more on Republican White Guy Real Sorry If Anyone Was Offended By Racist Slur Because It Is A Day…
  Who would Jesus kill?

‘Pro-Life’ Murderer Demands His First Amendment Right To Kill Again

Yep, conspiracy to commit murder is right in there!
When a convicted “pro-life” terrorist who shot an abortion doctor to death, in his own church — for the unborned babies, and for Jesus! — threatens to do it again, you should probably take him seriously. Scott Roeder, who murdered Dr. George Tiller in 2009, has been rotting behind bars where he belongs ever since he was convicted of murder. Roeder has no remorse for his crime; in fact, he’s been fantasizing about his next victim: Julie Burkhart, the executive director of the clinic that replaced Dr. Tiller’s after Roeder murdered him. Read more on ‘Pro-Life’ Murderer Demands His First Amendment Right To Kill Again…
  smashing pumpkins

Jerk Cable Access Reporter Besmirches Honor Of Great Pumpkin Fest White Riot

insert something
Journalists! They are always trying to smear their journa-poo on every last good thing, like Keene, New Hampshire’s, Pumpkin Fest, or Sarah Palin! Here we have one “Jared” “Goodell,” who’d broadcast live from the Pumpkin Fest for eight hours, because we guess there is not a lot else going on in Keene, New Hampshire. But for 20 minutes of those eight hours, he “reported” (AS IF) on the WHITE RIOT that was taking place just outside the Pumpkin Fest’s gates. This is why we can’t have nice things! Because when perfectly nice young white people smash stuff everywhere and overturn dumpsters and cars and rip street signs out of the ground, and there are injuries and dozens of arrests, ALL DAY, some “journalist” has to go “self-promote” himself, by mentioning it! Read more on Jerk Cable Access Reporter Besmirches Honor Of Great Pumpkin Fest White Riot…
  First Amendment right to make monies!!!!!

Hobby Lobby Owner Cool With Making Money From Abortion Drugs Because That’s Different

Time for another history lesson
Here is a Shocking! revelation from Steve Green, president of the crafting-for-Jesus Hobby Lobby chain. He still hates birth control, of course, because he sincerely believes it murders babies. Lucky for him the Supreme Court agreed he has a First Amendment right to disregard the law because of how sincerely he believes that. (Yep, still mad about that. Still gosh darned effing pissed, ACTUALLY. Especially because now your “sincerely held religious beliefs” can get you out of pretty much any laws you don’t like.) Read more on Hobby Lobby Owner Cool With Making Money From Abortion Drugs Because That’s Different…
  No points on your record if you repent now

Indiana Traffic Cop Will Save Your Soul With A Warning Ticket And Some Jesus

Stop in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ
Indiana State Trooper Brian Hamilton seems like a super nice guy. He’s the kind of cop who will let you off with a warning ticket if you happen to make an (allegedly) illegal pass. And then he will take that extra step to make sure your soul is good and saved with a few personal questions you can’t choose not to answer on account of how he has you pulled over, and he is a state trooper and all. Read more on Indiana Traffic Cop Will Save Your Soul With A Warning Ticket And Some Jesus…
  Thomas Jefferson Died For Your Sins

Antonin Scalia Has Magic Jesus Constitution, Has So Much Jesus All Up In It

Thoma Aquinas is gonna be sooooo pissed
Supreme Court Justice and strict constructionist Antonin Scalia told an enraptured (if only!) crowd at Colorado Christian University today that the First Amendment’s Establishment Clause doesn’t actually require complete separation of church and state, because magic: Read more on Antonin Scalia Has Magic Jesus Constitution, Has So Much Jesus All Up In It…
  With Crackers We Go Backerds

Kentucky Jew-Hater For Senate Will Save First Amendment With Rhymes (Updated)

With Kooks We Pukes
Meet Robert Ransdell, white supremacist, former organizer for the National Alliance, and write-in candidate for U.S. Senate. He has no illusions that he’ll replace Mitch McConnell, but he’s running anyway to garner attention for his very important message: “With Jews We Lose.” Tell it to the Dodgers and Sandy Koufax, pal! He also hopes that his provocative, rhyming campaign signs (did you notice the slogan rhymes? You can’t go wrong with a rhyming slogan) will expand the range of free speech, seeing as how Kentucky has a law protecting campaign advertisements from being removed. Read more on Kentucky Jew-Hater For Senate Will Save First Amendment With Rhymes (Updated)…
  Surrey with the lunatic fringe on top

Oklahoma Lawmaker Definitely Not Racist Against Muslim Islamics, Because Dictionary

He seems nice
Oklahoma state Rep. John Bennett is just an ordinary America-loving guy who resents being called a “racist” or an “Islamophobe” just because he tells the absolute undiluted truth about Islam, which is that it isn’t really a religion, but is instead a social and political movement that is aimed at world domination and destroying western culture. Oh, and also, it’s “a cancer in our nation that needs to be cut out.” But he means that in a fact-based way, not a hateful or phobic kind of way. Read more on Oklahoma Lawmaker Definitely Not Racist Against Muslim Islamics, Because Dictionary…