Tag Archives: first amendment

  Anarchy is for white people

Mike Huckabee Outraged Black People Don’t Want To Be Shot

What is he really trying to say?
Mike Huckabee, another Bible-humping wingnut whackadoodle who just might have to run for president to save America from itself, is a big fan of anarchy. Sometimes. Like, when judicial activists try to cram marriage equality down our throats? That is bad and unconstitutional, according to the Bible, and in Huckabee’s ideal America, brave governors who actually care about values and what they are pretty darned sure Jesus meant when he wrote the First Amendment would tell the courts to go throat-cram themselves by refusing to follow these unlawful laws. Read more on Mike Huckabee Outraged Black People Don’t Want To Be Shot…
  Wingnut Wish List

Mississippi Group Gonna Make Christianity The State Religion Without Violating Constitution, Just You See

Sure Why Not?
In a great victory for freedumb, the “Magnolia State Heritage Campign” is pushing a ballot initiative that would finally give the state’s Christian heritage the recognition that it deserves, writing into law that Mississippi is a “principally Christian and quintessentially Southern state” and also acknowledging that the Holy Bible is where all the state’s laws really come from. Read more on Mississippi Group Gonna Make Christianity The State Religion Without Violating Constitution, Just You See…
  Here have some news n stuff

Republican White Guy Real Sorry If Anyone Was Offended By Racist Slur Because It Is A Day

Former Gov. Haley Barbour (R-Sorryville)
Stop us if you’ve heard this one before. (You have, but keep reading.) Some crusty old white guy Republican dude says a racist thing. There’s a good chance he doesn’t even realize it is racist because he is too busy wanting his country back and missing the good old days when it was perfectly A-OK and acceptable among polite society to say racist things. If enough people explain to him that, “Hey, that thing you said is racist, AND THAT’S WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS!” he just might apologize. Not for being racist. Heavens no. Not for saying a racist thing. Certainly not that. But if anyone was offended, well, sorry ’bout that part.Today’s crusty old white guy Republican dude is former Mississippi Gov. Haley Barbour. (Yeah, we know you’re shocked.) Read more on Republican White Guy Real Sorry If Anyone Was Offended By Racist Slur Because It Is A Day…
  Who would Jesus kill?

‘Pro-Life’ Murderer Demands His First Amendment Right To Kill Again

Yep, conspiracy to commit murder is right in there!
When a convicted “pro-life” terrorist who shot an abortion doctor to death, in his own church — for the unborned babies, and for Jesus! — threatens to do it again, you should probably take him seriously. Scott Roeder, who murdered Dr. George Tiller in 2009, has been rotting behind bars where he belongs ever since he was convicted of murder. Roeder has no remorse for his crime; in fact, he’s been fantasizing about his next victim: Julie Burkhart, the executive director of the clinic that replaced Dr. Tiller’s after Roeder murdered him. Read more on ‘Pro-Life’ Murderer Demands His First Amendment Right To Kill Again…
  smashing pumpkins

Jerk Cable Access Reporter Besmirches Honor Of Great Pumpkin Fest White Riot

insert something
Journalists! They are always trying to smear their journa-poo on every last good thing, like Keene, New Hampshire’s, Pumpkin Fest, or Sarah Palin! Here we have one “Jared” “Goodell,” who’d broadcast live from the Pumpkin Fest for eight hours, because we guess there is not a lot else going on in Keene, New Hampshire. But for 20 minutes of those eight hours, he “reported” (AS IF) on the WHITE RIOT that was taking place just outside the Pumpkin Fest’s gates. This is why we can’t have nice things! Because when perfectly nice young white people smash stuff everywhere and overturn dumpsters and cars and rip street signs out of the ground, and there are injuries and dozens of arrests, ALL DAY, some “journalist” has to go “self-promote” himself, by mentioning it! Read more on Jerk Cable Access Reporter Besmirches Honor Of Great Pumpkin Fest White Riot…
  First Amendment right to make monies!!!!!

Hobby Lobby Owner Cool With Making Money From Abortion Drugs Because That’s Different

Time for another history lesson
Here is a Shocking! revelation from Steve Green, president of the crafting-for-Jesus Hobby Lobby chain. He still hates birth control, of course, because he sincerely believes it murders babies. Lucky for him the Supreme Court agreed he has a First Amendment right to disregard the law because of how sincerely he believes that. (Yep, still mad about that. Still gosh darned effing pissed, ACTUALLY. Especially because now your “sincerely held religious beliefs” can get you out of pretty much any laws you don’t like.) Read more on Hobby Lobby Owner Cool With Making Money From Abortion Drugs Because That’s Different…
  No points on your record if you repent now

Indiana Traffic Cop Will Save Your Soul With A Warning Ticket And Some Jesus

Stop in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ
Indiana State Trooper Brian Hamilton seems like a super nice guy. He’s the kind of cop who will let you off with a warning ticket if you happen to make an (allegedly) illegal pass. And then he will take that extra step to make sure your soul is good and saved with a few personal questions you can’t choose not to answer on account of how he has you pulled over, and he is a state trooper and all. Read more on Indiana Traffic Cop Will Save Your Soul With A Warning Ticket And Some Jesus…
  Thomas Jefferson Died For Your Sins

Antonin Scalia Has Magic Jesus Constitution, Has So Much Jesus All Up In It

Thoma Aquinas is gonna be sooooo pissed
Supreme Court Justice and strict constructionist Antonin Scalia told an enraptured (if only!) crowd at Colorado Christian University today that the First Amendment’s Establishment Clause doesn’t actually require complete separation of church and state, because magic: Read more on Antonin Scalia Has Magic Jesus Constitution, Has So Much Jesus All Up In It…
  With Crackers We Go Backerds

Kentucky Jew-Hater For Senate Will Save First Amendment With Rhymes (Updated)

With Kooks We Pukes
Meet Robert Ransdell, white supremacist, former organizer for the National Alliance, and write-in candidate for U.S. Senate. He has no illusions that he’ll replace Mitch McConnell, but he’s running anyway to garner attention for his very important message: “With Jews We Lose.” Tell it to the Dodgers and Sandy Koufax, pal! He also hopes that his provocative, rhyming campaign signs (did you notice the slogan rhymes? You can’t go wrong with a rhyming slogan) will expand the range of free speech, seeing as how Kentucky has a law protecting campaign advertisements from being removed. Read more on Kentucky Jew-Hater For Senate Will Save First Amendment With Rhymes (Updated)…
  Surrey with the lunatic fringe on top

Oklahoma Lawmaker Definitely Not Racist Against Muslim Islamics, Because Dictionary

He seems nice
Oklahoma state Rep. John Bennett is just an ordinary America-loving guy who resents being called a “racist” or an “Islamophobe” just because he tells the absolute undiluted truth about Islam, which is that it isn’t really a religion, but is instead a social and political movement that is aimed at world domination and destroying western culture. Oh, and also, it’s “a cancer in our nation that needs to be cut out.” But he means that in a fact-based way, not a hateful or phobic kind of way. Read more on Oklahoma Lawmaker Definitely Not Racist Against Muslim Islamics, Because Dictionary…
  What's All This Fuss About Eye Cysts Anyway?

Very Important Wingnut: Repeal The First Amendment So ISIS Doesn’t Get Us

Just look up 'Backpfeifengesicht'
Never one to let an opportunity for paranoia pass by, the Family Research Council’s Tony Perkins found a way to link fear of ISIS with one of his favorite fears, the specter of secularism (which is going to make Christianity illegal any day now). Read more on Very Important Wingnut: Repeal The First Amendment So ISIS Doesn’t Get Us…
  Statuary Rape

Pennsylvania 14-Year-Old Could Get Two Years In Prison For Desecrating Jesus Statue’s Mouth With His Wanger

Wham Bam Thank You Lamb Of God
A Pennsylvania teen is getting an education in morality and jurisprudence after he posted photos of himself pretending to do oral sex with a statue of Our Lord And Savior, Jumped-Up Jesus H. Face-Fucker. The young miscreant, a resident of Everett, Pennsylvania, posed with a statue in front of Everett’s Love in the Name of Christ nonprofit, posted the pics to Facebook, and was eventually reached by the long arm of the law, although the photo is not obscene (while shirtless, the kid is wearing baggy shorts which fully cover his Sin Parts) and the statue was not damaged. There’s no physical desecration, so this is no “Piss Christ” or “Bukakke Jebus.” Even so, this simulated oral violation of the Lord calls for some simulated justice! Read more on Pennsylvania 14-Year-Old Could Get Two Years In Prison For Desecrating Jesus Statue’s Mouth With His Wanger…
  Your morning cup of wut?

Ted Cruz Will Defend Your TV-Watching Rights And Other News You Can Maybe Use

He went to law school so he knows law stuff
Today’s news is filled with Dudes Who Will Never Be President. Also science. And a special Yr Editrix treat for morning dessert! Did you know your God-given uninalienableable rights to watch teevee are under attack? Be grateful Sen. Ted Cruz, who will never be president, is here to make sure Actual President Obama can never pry your teevee from your cold dead hands: Read more on Ted Cruz Will Defend Your TV-Watching Rights And Other News You Can Maybe Use…
  He Keeps Saying That Word

Rick Santorum And Bryan Fischer Share Sweaty Fantasies About Banning ‘Secularism’ From Schools

The look of love / is in your eyes / The look your smile can't disguise...
Two of America’s greatest professional Oppressed Christians, the American Patriarchy Association’s Bryan Fischer and Totally Serious Presidential Candidate Rick Santorum, came together Thursdayto bemoan the sorry state of our once great nation, etc. Fischer interviewed Santorum on the AFA’s “Focal Point” internet “radio” show (by telephone, so a critical mass of idiocy was avoided) so Santorum could flog his new movie, a “documentary” about how America is just One Generation Away from a complete end to religious liberty, don’t you know (Yes, we’ll probably watch the thing, maybe when it’s on video). Read more on Rick Santorum And Bryan Fischer Share Sweaty Fantasies About Banning ‘Secularism’ From Schools…
  'Big Sodomy' Is Our Favorite Laurie Anderson CD

Wingnut ‘Christian Fantasy’ Author Warns ‘Big Sodomy’ Is Coming For Your Kids

We couldn't improve on the original article's illustration. Though we'd center that flag on the podium. Lazy homophobes.
Here’s some interesting thinking from BarbWire, the internet catbox (now with clumping litter!) run by hyperChristian weirdo Matt Barber (it’s bad enough that he has a whole website, but did he have to insult a perfectly good cheesy sci-fi remake of Casablanca with the name?). It’s a think-piece titled “How ‘Sexual Liberty’ Devours Real Liberty” by “Christian Fantasy Literature” author Lee Duigon, in which the Christian fantasist worries that Barack Obama and his Big Gay Army will soon destroy America (what, again?) by deploying the forces of “Big Sodomy,” which will eventually, of course, outlaw Christianity and send all the faithful to FEMA camps or something. Read more on Wingnut ‘Christian Fantasy’ Author Warns ‘Big Sodomy’ Is Coming For Your Kids…
  Why Can't Toby Keith Perform At The Met Instead?

Wingnuts Will Save You Poor Jews From Getting Pogromed By Metropolitan Opera

Why can't more operas be about American Exceptionalism?
Time for an Arts Update! The editor of Superpatriot and disgraced torture aficionado Allen West’s blog is so mad at the Metropolitan Opera that she’s just about ready to go to New York’s Lincoln Center and stage a mock execution of the artistic director. You see, the monsters at the Met are staging a production of John Adams’s 1991 opera, The Death of Klinghoffer, a dramatization of the 1985 hijacking of the cruise ship Achille Lauro by Palestinian terrorists. The opera focuses on the murder of Leon Klinghoffer, a retired American businessmen whom the hijackers shot and threw overboard, and while his killing is treated as a tragedy, the opera also allows the Palestinian guerrilla to sing about their motives, which are, surprisingly, not pro-Israel. Or as West’s Editor-in-Chief Michele Hickford explains it, the opera “presents [Klinghoffer’s] murder as justified, not only because of Palestinian grievances against Israel, but also by the alleged evil and exploitative actions of Jews against others around the world.” Read more on Wingnuts Will Save You Poor Jews From Getting Pogromed By Metropolitan Opera…
  And No Religion Too

Alabama Idiot Thinks Constitution Based On Ten Commandments, Is Incorrect

It still includes the plagues
Hey, there’s also some Non-Ferguson news today! For instance, in Scottsboro, Alabama, Jackson County Commissioner Tim Guffey (R-like you need to ask), wants to include the Ten Commandments in a monument that already features the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, because, he says, the Ten Commandments are a historical document that, like the other two, are among our nation’s founding documents and also too are not the least bit religious, no siree. Read more on Alabama Idiot Thinks Constitution Based On Ten Commandments, Is Incorrect…
  The Weird World Is Watching

Ghost Breitbart Non-Racistly Observes That The Blacks Just Love Looting & Rioting

This one's bad enough that we need to bring in the puppy gifs
So, hey, you might call it kind of racist if a writer were to start off a column by saying something like this, mightn’t you: Black America’s favorite past time is back on full display in Ferguson, MO, as looting and rioting breaks out after the fatal shooting death of an unarmed 18-year old by Ferguson law enforcement. Well, you would in fact be wrong, because that sentence was written by Sonnie Johnson, an actual black woman, at Dead Breitbart’s Center For Decrying Black Hatred Of Whites, so there is not the least bit of pandering to stereotypes at all there, just a clear-eyed assessment of The Blacks’ basic inability to be civilized. As Charles Johnson at Little Green Footballs points out, Sonnie Johnson’s readers take it as a license to run with anything short of That One Word, because once a black person condemns what those blacks do, then it’s open season — the top-rated comment on the piece is “The pack animals sure do love to loot, just like Obama loves to loot our tax dollars,” which is followed by supportive sentiments like “And people wonder why there are ghettos…” and “Those ‘Ghettos’ used to be good neighborhoods until guess who moved in.” And not a word of it is racist, because the article was written by a black lady, or aren’t you paying attention? Read more on Ghost Breitbart Non-Racistly Observes That The Blacks Just Love Looting & Rioting…
  even texas schools are better than no schools

Pro-Tip: ‘Expecting The Rapture’ No Excuse To Stop Teaching Homeschooled Kids. Even In Texas.

Things one learns working for a blog: almost any image search will be complicated when you find out your search term is a band name. For instance, 'rapture children'
Turns out that even in the Independent Republic of Texas, where virtually unregulated chemical plants don’t have to follow any dang ol’ fire code (since the state doesn’t have one), the heavy hand of Big Government is still ready to oppress people who are just minding their own business and not hurting anyone, except maybe their own children. Even in Texas, you apparently have to teach something to your homeschooled darlings, even it it’s that Stonewall Jackson was a good Christian who made sure his troops prayed. You see, Michael McIntyre and Laura McIntyre, some good Bible-believing Christians in Texas, were pretty sure that Jesus was just on the verge of coming back to Rapture them all to heaven, and so in 2004 they took their kids out of public school so they could homeschool them. Read more on Pro-Tip: ‘Expecting The Rapture’ No Excuse To Stop Teaching Homeschooled Kids. Even In Texas….
  Jesus We're Finally Finished

Sundays With The Christianists: America, The Postscript

'Merica!
We wrapped up the “history” part of our rightwing Christian textbooks last week, but like any conversation you’ve ever had with a fundamentalist, they still have more to say at us. Both of our textbooks have nice summing-up sections devoted to reminding kids one last time What Makes America Special. Spoiler: It’s Freedom and Jesus. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: America, The Postscript…
  annals of free speach

Sad Newspaper Editor Fired After Complaints About ‘Gaystapo,’ Proving The Gaystapo Is Real

Choo choo!
An Iowa newspaper editor who was fired after blogging about how The Gays are going to hell and taking America with them is now suing his former newspaper, claiming that he’s a victim of religious discrimination. Let’s all pour one out for poor oppressed Bob Eschliman, the former editor of the Newton Daily News, who was shitcanned just because he wrote a piece on his personal blog decrying a website called “The Queen James Bible” and saying that “the Gaystapo” was out to “make their sinful nature right with God.” And now he’s threatening to sue, because of course his employers shouldn’t have the right to get rid of an editor that makes their paper look stupid. It’s all about free speach, which means that you get to say anything you want to, with no consequences ever, especially if you’re certain that Jesus agrees with you. Read more on Sad Newspaper Editor Fired After Complaints About ‘Gaystapo,’ Proving The Gaystapo Is Real…