Good news, Obamatards with tickets to Barack Obama & the Decemberists’ big concert at Mile High Stadium: You are encouraged to go through 10 miles of security lines and enter the INVESCO outdoor FEMA detainment camp at 1 p.m., a half day before Obama will speak. Also, you can’t bring booze. Also, there will be no booze for sale. Hope sucks. Read the whole terrifying list of fun weapons and drugs and animals you CANNOT bring to the greatest football game on Earth, after the jump. MORE »

Do you have the Summer Olympic Fever? No? Neither do we. But now we sort of regret missing the Opening Ceremony, which was apparently done completely with the computer game The SIMS. MORE »

• Attention tourists: the following will vastly cut down on the number of dirty looks you receive per hour of touring. [An OC Girl Living In An Extraordinary World]

• Not included in the guide: how do handle crazed violent psychos on the metro. [ Thoreau's Journal]
• Distinguishing the rapport of a bottle-rocket from a MAC-10 is for more advanced urban tourists. [Cruel Sommer]
• A cell of terrorist haxors has started attacking sites they find while surfing for porn. [The Gentlemen of the CPMC]
• MTV heads to Hawk n’ Dove for the same reason everyone does: hard partying underage interns willing to exploit themselves. [The Hill]

• The drug habit Washington just can’t seem to kick: responsibility. [Blue Dog Art & Design]

• Democracy without hooch is like cookies without milk. [Another Day In DC]
• Michelle Malkin: “smokin’ hot;” smells of “evil and bullshit.” [The DC Universe]
• Tomorrow’s pre-fireworks concert to be hosted by George Costanza and feature no-talent ass clown Michael Bolton. Thanks Lockheed Martin! [PBS via Melissa the Misanthrope]
• DC has museums for everything. [The Goodspeed Update]