Wonkette

Roll Call has confirmed through anonymous sources that U.S. Capitol Police Officer Karen Emory has been suspended from duty, although it’s unclear whether the measure is related to recent bathroom fires in congressional office buildings. A Capitol Police spokeswoman declined comment on the issue, saying “We don’t discuss personnel matters.” Emory was the reporting officer on at least one of the fires, so clearly she… umm… started all of them and wants to burn down America, office bathroom by office bathroom. [Roll Call]

A U.S. Capitol Police officer investigating the recent wave of Hill fires has been transferred for poor work performance, according to a source. The source claims that the relieved investigator was “on at least one of the fires… a half hour late to the scene.” At his new location, presumably, he will always be on time when senators are burning. [Fox News]

WTF, people? Can’t you smoke your crack at home like the rest of us, and not ditch your smoldering glass pipes in the Senate bathroom garbage? How many little bullshit fires have broken out in stairwells and bathrooms on the Hill in the last 30 days? Anyway, this morning, the matchstick man struck again. The Capitolist sent along a warning issued by the USCP: “There was a small paper fire in a men’s restroom on the Second Floor, SW corner, of the Dirksen Senate Office Building that was immediately extinguished. The building is not being evacuated, but all floors are being checked by U.S. Capitol Police personnel. All floors of the Hart SOB and Russell SOB will be checked as well.” There you have it, crackheads.

The job of a public-relations professional is to make the Client look good, and FEMA flack John “Pat” Philbin certainly pulled that off last week, when he created a “press conference” featuring some very friendly “reporters” who turned out to be his own staffers. Getting a bunch of friendly questions from the “press” is no easy task for a federal agency best known for drowning thousands of poor Americans, so it should come as no surprise that “Pat” Philbin is getting a big promotion! He’s the new director of public affairs at the Office of the Director of National Intelligence — that’s the new-ish umbrella spy/torture agency that now owns the CIA and NSA and all the other intel shops quickly being outsourced to corrupt GOP-friendly contractors. Congratulation, “Pat”! We all look forward to your positive-message work on the promotion of torture and murder and White House-level intelligence cover-ups.

UPDATE: Not so fast, “Pat.” ODNI has revoked the cushy job offer.

FEMA Director of External Affairs Exits Amidst PR Scandal; Lands at ODNI [PR Newser]

During the Hurricane Katrina fiasco, FEMA found out the hard way that sometimes the press just isn’t feeling very charitable towards the incompetent agency. So when they had a press conference today, the Washington Post’s Al Kamen reveals, it’s way better to just make sure the reporters can’t get there, and then to assign various staffers with make-believe roles as pretend reporters. MORE »

* We’re glad to know that Hillary gives someone a boner. [Wizbang] MORE »

People of Southern California who are on fire: Have no fear, for disaster relief (in the form of a human disaster) is on the way! Former FEMA Director Michael “Heckuva Job” “Brownie” “Abortion of a Human” Brown, the guy who hosted a Hurricane Party with fresh margs for himself during Katrina, is hopping on a jet plane to SoCal and will fix you AND your forests. Shit, he might even bring a hose! See, he’s not so incompetent when it’s white people asking for disaster relief.

Brownie, You’ve Got a Heckuva Job [WSJ via Political Machine] MORE »

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A series of “suspicious fires” in the Dirksen and Hart Senate buildings has everybody all freaked out, because we all know what happens after the arson in the lawmakers’ headquarters.

A total of four garbage-can fires were set (and extinguished) between 10:45 a.m. and 2 p.m. today, Capitol police said. MORE »