AND EVERYONE’S HAPPY: “President George W. Bush signed the biggest government intervention in the financial markets since the Great Depression after U.S. House of Representatives lawmakers wary of growing signs of the nation’s economic distress voted Friday in favor of a $700 billion Wall Street rescue package. Mr. Bush welcomed the passage of a rescue plan, saying it will help the nation’s economy withstand the financial turmoil.” Never Forget. [WSJ]

Whoa what is going on here, the wacky bailout bill has somehow passed in the House of Representatives by two million votes, 263-171. Take that, uh, China!…?? Many House Republicans switched from “no” to “yes” because they thought they were voting on a measure legalizing gay sex with pages. Now the bill will be driven in a fat cat limousine down Pennsylvania Avenue to the White House, where George Bush is currently naked and expecting it. A Rose Garden signing ceremony is also expected, during which Hank Paulson will personally light on fire a pyre of $700 billion. But don’t worry, he knows what he’s doing! The Dow Jones has dropped several hundred points since the good news came out. [NYT]

God this just makes no sense. McCain says about the bailout he voted for just last night, “This bill is putting us on the brink of economic disaster.” Well that’s as good a reason as any to support it, no? Then he says he voted against Medicare and porks at other times in his life and recently flew into Washington to convince his Republican friends also to vote for this bill that puts our country on the brink of economic disaster while Obama talked on the telephone, wait, WHAT? [YouTube]

The White House has been trying to rename the GREEDY WALL STREET MONEY GIFT a “rescue” plan today as a more palatable replacement for the common nomenclature, “bailout.” Now “bailout” is not a very marketable word, sure, so let’s test how “rescue” plays out: “The government wants to rescue Wall Street with billions of dollars in taxpayer money.” Somehow we are still skeptical! So here’s a free advertising tip, White House — avoid this structure: “The government wants to [ANYTHING WITH A POSITIVE CONNOTATION] Wall Street with billions of dollars in taxpayer money.” In fact, “rescue” may be even worse than “bailout” — “rescue” implies some actively exhausting and dangerous double-cover spy mission to Hell on which every taxpayer must embark; “bailout” sounds like you just have to cut a check and be done with it. We suggest they call the package an “iPod,” because everyone will pay for an iPod. [LA Times]

Here’s a new ad from those wacky jesters over at the RNC. It attacks Barack Obama for supporting the bailout that the House approved yesterday. Yes, that’s right: two (2) problems here. John McCain supported the bailout and, according to the man himself, made other House Republicans vote for it. And the bailout, as you may recall, didn’t pass. What gives? Oh that SILLY RNC: “The Republican National Committee’s new advertisement critical of the the Wall Street ‘bailout’ was produced and sent to television stations in key states before the package failed, officials at two stations said.” [YouTube, Ben Smith]

Okay so it’s nine days old, but you must read this very delightful article about the effects of the financial crisis on Greenwich, Connecticut, a town where rich people live. There had been three types of people in Greenwich, organized into a clear heirarchy: rich hedge fund managers, rich investment bankers, and lastly, filthy serfs. Then! Wall Street crashed! And the new arrangement is thus: rich hedge fund managers, slightly less rich ex-investment bankers, and even filthier serfs. This is a disaster of world-historical magnitude and Hank Paulson needs to buy Greeenwich’s “middle class” new Ferraris to avoid SYSTEMIC GLOBAL FINANCIAL DEFAULT FAILURE. MORE »

• LEDE OF THE DAY: “Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) and his top aides took credit for building a winning bailout coalition – hours before the vote failed and stocks tanked.” [Politico]

• NUMBERS ARE FOR LOSERS: Oh well this is nice: after the Dow plummeted 600 points early this afternoon, it recovered most of those losses. And by that we mean CONTINUED TO PLUMMET HORRIBLY GAHHH. It’s down 770 777 points, which sounds eerily like a “record.” The S&P and Nasdaq are faring even worse, percentage-wise. Here’s a bonus “afternoon funny” for you to laugh at and then tell all yr work friends: the last time Congress swiftly passed a major, bipartisan piece of legislation was to authorize an idiot to launch the worst foreign policy decision in modern American history. So maybe things aren’t so bad hmm? [WSJ]

Dearest Wonkette readers. Now would be an appropriate time to grab a drink and reassess the value of, you know, representative democracy as an effective form of government at all. If you’ve been watching CNN for the last couple of hours… well, we’re right there with you. Oh god CNN is now looking at Internet comments to get more opinions on the Death Of The Bailout. INTERNET COMMENTS. We want forty guns right now with which to shoot furniture, appliances, alley cats and, most importantly, our own human selves. Let’s run through a list of the comically pathetic ways in which our American political leaders are “responding” to the failed bailout vote. Hint: very few people are blaming themselves! MORE »

CANNED GOODS STOCKS SOAR: See, it went like this: Wonkette told people to buy canned goods, and the markets immediately reacted. Wonkette stock lady operative “Nicole” writes, “Just noticed that Campbell Soup Co. is currently the # 2 ‘Top Mover’ stock.” Capitalism!

Newt Gingrich is a lying loser who hasn’t been in power for like 10 years. And yet, he still controls everything in the world. In the last week he’s been leading the right-wing rebellion against the bailout — yelling about socialism, ranting about the pushy Democratic leadership, calling for Hank Paulson’s resignation. We get press releases from Newt Gingrich for some reason! And his words struck a chord with right-wing talk radio, which struck a chord with House Republicans trying to keep their seats. Newt made the Republican base furious over this bailout. And now LOOK, right as voting started today, he released a statement saying, “Eh, I’d vote for this bailout.” His minions apparently did not get their overlord’s message. MORE »