• GEORGE W. BUSH SAVES STOCK MARKET: The Dow only dropped 128 points today, which is the New Great Depression equivalent of rising 250 trillion points. Credit is still completely inaccessible, permanently, but what the hell do you people want anyway. [AP]

When asked on a conference call why John McCain hasn’t addressed the 22% drop in the stock market this week, moron campaign manager Rick Davis responded, “There’s very little a candidate for president can say and very little the president can say about what’s happening in the stock markets except hope that they correct themselves.” We’ll grant him that indeed, there is very little a politician or elected leader can do to fix a collapsing world/entire theory of economics. But… “hope that they correct themselves,” WHAAA? Does he realize that the seven most powerful world leaders are meeting this weekend to coordinate a GLOBAL MONEY RESPONSE to our current LOSS OF ALL GLOBAL MONEY? Whatever! Barack Obama is a terrorist, Davis suggests, so everyone just go buy an iPod and some dildos and quitcher bitchin. [Ben Smith]

Oh this is hilarious, on CNN we have a split screen with Barry finally laying out his detailed, comprehensive policy proposal on the left, and on the right we have a bunch of sad orange roses waiting for George Bush to stomp all over them. MORE »

Well good morning to you! The Dow dropped over 660 points after opening, which is to say, it’s just another beautiful day on Wall Street. Our president, George W. Bush, will once again scurry out of his spider hole to choke out a few brief words about our flourishing economy before he glimpses his shadow and disappears for another six weeks. So of course we will liveblog all 90 seconds of his remarks, so stay tuned! [Yahoo Finance]

You may recall the second question from Tuesday night’s town hall debate from a young black fellow named Oliver Clark. Clark asked the candidates what the bailout package does for the Average American. McCain responded by attacking Obama for not regulating Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac — it was his ONE JOB AND HE BLEW IT — and in the process said to Clark, “You probably never heard of Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac before this.” Because how would anyone have known about these two mortgage giants that back 70% of the country’s mortgages? Well, it was condescending anyway, and Clark has posted a hilarious message on his Facebook saying that he has like 500 college degrees and calling Walnuts a horrible racist. MORE »

Dudes, our noses are bleeding and the sky is on fire because GOOD LORD, refreshing the Dow every four seconds as it’s free-falling is like SMOKING CRACK. This is astonishing. Whoa! There go another 30 points! HA HA HA HA HA WHEEE. [Yahoo! Finance]

• HERE’S A LITTLE EXTRA, BUY SOMETHING NICE FOR MRS. AIG: The government will give terrible insurance whore AIG another $37.8 billion loan in addition to the $85 billion one it received last month. (Ken mentioned this too!) All you have to do is ask politely and put on a sad puppy face! WOULD ANYONE ELSE WHO MADE BAD DECISIONS LIKE SOME FRESH BILLIONS IN U.S. DEBT? Underwater homeowners, failed financial giants, they’re fixin’ on a windfall alright. Debt is for fairies! Now everyone go max out your credit cards and buy fourteen houses, don’t bother with a mortgage, just give ‘em $3.42 and put the rest on the government’s tab. [AP]

Oh boy howdy this has been a bunch of yammering interspersed with Tom Brokaw complaining about how long the yammering has been going on. Did you miss some of this important blah de blah? Well here they are in serial fashion: Part I, Part II, Part III, and that brings us to Part IV. If this were Star Wars, we’d just be getting to the good stuff. For example, after the jump you will find a little clip of John McCain calling Barack Obama “that one.” Now onward, onward. MORE »

To your left is the shack where her editor spent her “vacation,” getting harassed by banana slugs and watching the VP debate in a bar full of scratch-off Lotto ticket addicts who muttered angry things about “Barack HUSSEIN Obama” on their way out. (Kidding! That is another one of John McCain’s eleventy billion subprime properties, now on sale in exchange for a sack of speckled beans.) Anyhow now we are back, rested and refreshed! We hear there is some sort of a talky talky with whatsisface, Hussein, and the little angry man. What magical maps is John King drawing at this very moment to show us how Poverty will finally triumph over Racism this electoral cycle? MORE »

Once upon a time there was a congressman named John Boehner, and everybody made fun of him because his name looked like “boner.” And then day somebody sent one of his local offices a Mysterious Package, which was leaking an Oily Substance, and everybody panicked because of the Terrorists. But! Turns out it was just bacon in the package: the sly prankster’s symbol for pork-barrel spending, or maybe how John Boner’s “package” is always “leaking oily substances.” [WLWT Cincinnati]

Well here is your updated Dow Jones thing, about which every “person on the Internet” today has been freaking. It went down like 350 points after a far greater initial plunge. This has baffled many, many people today, that this stock index fell triple-digits on a day when every remaining bank on Earth basically failed. MORE »