Tag Archives: fetuses

  They are just saying that's all

Tennessee Church: Know Who Else Wanted Equal Rights? SATAN!

The newest hysterical entry into the “who can wig out the best over gay marriage?” contest comes from the Knoxville Baptist Tabernacle Church in Knoxville, Tennessee, who decided to use their church sign to remind everyone that this whole fight for “equal rights” is nothing new. In fact, Satan himself debuted the concept, when he wanted equality with God, or something like that, we are pretty sure none of this is in the Bible: Read more on Tennessee Church: Know Who Else Wanted Equal Rights? SATAN!…
  In Derpiest Battle

Sundays With The Christianists: John Steinbeck Invented ‘Bortion, Wrote Evil Books

A movie about a temptress, we guess
Now here’s a surprise: a rightwing Christian rant against John Steinbeck that barely mentions The Grapes of Wrath at all. If nothing else, we can credit wingnut radio preacher and homeschooling “expert” Kevin Swanson with this much: He’s not always predictable. Or at least, while his opinions are completely predictable, the particular topics he chooses to obsess about aren’t necessarily what you’d expect. We’ve reached the end of the literature survey portion of Swanson’s ebook manifesto, Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West, although he still has a couple of chapters on modern popular culture for us to slog through in his screed about the decline of Western civilization from a nonexistent Christian norm. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: John Steinbeck Invented ‘Bortion, Wrote Evil Books…
  The Socialist Network

Sundays With The Christianists: Marx Was Wrong Because Jesus Loved Inequality

We simply couldn't find a Marxist anime demon girl
Happy Dia De Los Muertos, all you Wonkees! Grab a candy skull and let’s commune with the spirits of the departed, which of course probably sounds like consorting with demons to our favorite deranged Christianist, Colorado radio preacher Kevin Swanson. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Marx Was Wrong Because Jesus Loved Inequality…
  The Marx of the Beast

Sundays With The Christianists: Homos And Demons And Marx, Oh My!

Why is there a union jack on the skull? Your guess is as good as any. Let's say it represent Marx's London years.
Here we are at Part 3 of our dive into Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West, by Kevin Swanson, the radio preacher who likes to warn that the Pill leaves women’s wombs chock full of tiny dead babies, like some kind of horrifying death-muffin, and that his home state of Colorado has become one big gay pot orgy all the time, just like North Korea. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Homos And Demons And Marx, Oh My!…
  Still More Lies From The Pit Of Hell

Sundays With The Christianists: How Western Culture Got All Satanic

Image dimensions: 700 X 666 -- we swear it just worked out that way
Welcome to part 2 of our exploration of Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West, by Colorado radio preacher Kevin Swanson, whose goal in this book is to explain just how Western Civilization was destroyed by just about everything that we commonly think of as Western Civilization — and which was, moreover, mostly inspired by Satan. As we said last week, in Swanson’s view, the pinnacle of Western culture begins and more or less ends with the Bible, and literary works that are 100% in keeping with Biblical precepts — for instance, he thinks that Augustine’s Confessions and Bunyan’s The Pilgrim’s Progress are a pretty good basis for all the literature classes you’d ever need. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: How Western Culture Got All Satanic…
  electricity is the debbil!

Dear Oregon, Please Stop Burning Aborted Babbies To Generate Your Communist Electricity

What has the Stupidest Man on the Internet, Jim Hoft, got for us today? Besides all the other things he has for us today? WHAT DOESN’T HE HAVE! (Besides our $3150. #paythefuckup.) Take, for instance, this masterpiece, “SHOCK REPORT: Oregon Energy Plant Burns Aborted Babies to Generate Electricity,” in which a bunch of communists are going around burning aborted babies to generate electricity, just like the headline says! Read more on Dear Oregon, Please Stop Burning Aborted Babbies To Generate Your Communist Electricity…
  say anything

Embryos Greet Defeat Of Virginia’s Personhood Bill With Eerie Silence

Virginia’s vaginas escaped state-sanctioned ‘unwanted penetration,’ temporarily at least, with a proposed transvaginal ultrasound bill thoroughly collapsing under the weight of public ridicule. And now the bill that would have granted any grouping of two or more cells “all the rights, privileges, and immunities” of (most) actual PEOPLE has been tabled until 2013, delivering a massive defeat to trillions of potential Virginians, who will never know how good they could have had it up here, gasping agonally along with the rest of us in these, the last days of the American Empire. So why can’t the glutinous globs of cells that would have finally become ‘persons’ under the bill be reached for comment? Hmmmm? Rather SUSPICIOUS, wouldn’t you say? Read more on Embryos Greet Defeat Of Virginia’s Personhood Bill With Eerie Silence…
  war forever

Wisconsin Becomes Orgy of Chaos As Recall Elections Begin

The forces of good and evil resume their bilious clouded swirl over the state of Wisconsin today as primary voters go to cast votes in the state’s recall elections against six of Scott Walker’s senate puppets, and it is already just an orgy of dead fetuses and robots. Robocalls possibly from Wisconsin “Right to Life” are reportedly going out to voters telling them to stay home or to vote for fake candidates. We say “fake candidates” because Wisconsin allows open primaries, which means the Republicans are trying to confuse the electoral process by running fake drone candidates against Democratic candidates. So pay attention, Wisconsin voters, and don’t pick the one with pupils that won’t close and the Koch Industries logo tattooed on the back of the head.   Read more on Wisconsin Becomes Orgy of Chaos As Recall Elections Begin…
  the anti-abortion legal defense industry

Ohio Fetal Heartbeat Bill Passed So Public Can Pay To Have It Struck Down

Take heart, angry war fetus! The cranky olds of the Ohio House of Representatives have imaginary-heard your testimony and finally passed their “Fetal Heartbeat Bill,” an unconstitutional law that prohibits abortion after six weeks. In other words, this was a law passed “for fun,” as it has no chance of becoming actual law. Here is something funny, tho! Governor John Kasich’s budget proposal cuts Medicaid spending by 30%, state aid to municipalities by 25%, and education by 11.5% after federal stimulus funds expire, which means while all of Ohio’s poor slobs go sick and stupid from these budget cuts, politicians still get to use taxpayer money to employ lawyers to lose at defending their dumb law. Read more on Ohio Fetal Heartbeat Bill Passed So Public Can Pay To Have It Struck Down…
  of course it's a horror movie

‘Pro-Life Horror Movie’ Looks Pretty Horrifying

What does every wildly creepy pro-life goblin fantasize about doing to every pregnant teenage girl seeking an abortion? Kidnap and imprison her until she gives birth while terrorizing her with under-lit video conference lectures? Yeah, that. And behold: the world’s first “pro-life horror movie.” The film premiered this weekend at the Hoboken International Film Festival. Watch and cringe: Read more on ‘Pro-Life Horror Movie’ Looks Pretty Horrifying…
  can't get a cab when you're in the womb

Rep. Chris Smith: Fetuses ‘Most Persecuted Minority In the World’

The House passed the No Taxpayer Funding For Abortion Act yesterday evening by a 251-175 vote. This has no chance of becoming law, but considering Republicans have promised to make abortion illegal since Roe v. Wade was decided 40 years ago, it’s not like they’ve really ever planned on banning it. If they did ban it, where would they get all those single-issue voters and campaign cash they depend on? People who hate gays? Those folks are dying off pretty quickly. Bill sponsor Rep. Chris Smith, the guy who originally stuck something into this bill that would define for women the “correct” way to have been raped if they hoped to get an abortion, said on the House floor that “some of our politicians, while they talked about human rights, never lifted a finger to protect the most persecuted minority in the world: the child in the womb.” Of course. Read more on Rep. Chris Smith: Fetuses ‘Most Persecuted Minority In the World’…
  necrophilia

Why He Runs: Rick Santorum’s Own ‘Fetus Jar’ Story

It’s been some time since Rick Santorum has been relevant to politics (NOTE: he still isn’t), so it’s easy to forget the stupid things he’s said about his main issues, protecting the fetuses and attacking the gays. Here’s something we forgot about: Santorum has his very own fetus story, but unlike Barbara Bush, when his wife miscarried in 1996, they didn’t stick the thing in a jar and put it on display. Santorum wrapped the dead fetus in a blanket, took it out of the hospital, and “spent several hours kissing and cuddling Gabriel [the fetus] with his three siblings.” Sure, a miscarriage is a sad and rather strange experience for anyone to suffer, but, uh: “They took photos, sang lullabies in his ear and held a private Mass.” That should be a cute family album to show primary voters! What kind of clothes did they dress it up in? Did they make the fetus the altar boy? Read more on Why He Runs: Rick Santorum’s Own ‘Fetus Jar’ Story…
  the fetus' bus boycotts worked!

Arizona To Ban Racists and Sexists From Having Abortions

Because a state lawmaker read “a magazine article on such practices in China and India,” Arizona is set to ban abortions made on the basis of the race or sex of the fetus. Not that there’s evidence women in Arizona abort a fetus based on its perceived race or sex; there isn’t. But this is a matter of CIVIL RIGHTS and Jan Brewer and her Republican legislators are not going to stand idly by watching those brave fetus freedom-marchers get hosed down by police, handcuffed at the lunch counters, refused entry into segregated “fully-developed-child only” public schools, and turned away from playing golf at Augusta National. Doctors better be careful not to give abortions to women who believe in anything but absolute equality for all people, or they’re going to be thrown in prison. Oh, and here’s a riddle: Why do so many minorities in Arizona have abortions? They’re racist and sexist! Read more on Arizona To Ban Racists and Sexists From Having Abortions…
  the solution to your problems is more unwed teenage pregnancies

Pro-Life Group’s New Billboard Tells Black People To Stop Aborting Obama

Life Always is expected to unveil billboards featuring Obama’s face and the words “Every 21 minutes, our next possible leader is aborted” on Tuesday at 11 a.m. The first billboard will be near an empty lot at 5812 S. State Street, according to a press release from Life Always. Read more on Pro-Life Group’s New Billboard Tells Black People To Stop Aborting Obama…
  already disappointing its parents

Testifying Fetus Refuses To Cooperate

Because this is the United States of America, two fetuses supposedly “testified” before an Ohio legislative committee yesterday via projector from the womb for a bill that would make abortion illegal if the fetus in question has a heartbeat. Things were going just fine for the wingnuts until the nine-week-old fetus’ heartbeat failed to show up on the monitor or the speakers. “When we did this earlier the baby cooperated very nicely,” the pro-life activist said as she struggled to find the fetus’ heart with her laser pointer. Not cooperating? That’s contempt! That fetus should be thrown in jail! We totally called it. At the very least, this fetus’ crazy pro-life parents are going to immediately put it in a time-out when it’s born. Read more on Testifying Fetus Refuses To Cooperate…
  edmund burke applauds

There Are Now TWO Fetuses Testifying In Ohio, and They Have a Music Video

Can fetuses dance? The answer is yes, if by fetuses you mean babies and toddlers, babies and toddlers on YouTube who did not give their permission to be used in this video. THUS, all abortion should be illegal. Oh, and by the way, there will now be “at least two” fetuses testifying before the Ohio legislature today. At least. Read more on There Are Now TWO Fetuses Testifying In Ohio, and They Have a Music Video…
  taking steroids kid?

Fetus To Take Oath, Testify Before Ohio Legislature

So this is totally normal, sane thing to do: “A fetus has been scheduled as a legislative witness in Ohio on a unique bill that proposes outlawing abortions after the first heartbeat can be medically detected.” When the fetus refuses to answer the committee’s questions, will it be held in contempt and arrested? What exactly happens when we start charging fetuses with crimes? It’s probably illegal to arrest the mother too, right? So we’re going to have to forcibly remove that fetus from that woman if it refuses to come out with its (non-existent) hands up. And we’ll lock it up in jail overnight so it learns its—whoops. Read more on Fetus To Take Oath, Testify Before Ohio Legislature…
  can 'em if you got 'em

The Year In Fetuses and Their Jars

Can you believe it’s been nearly 38 years since Roe v. Wade was settled? That’s the lifetimes of like two and a half Justin Biebers. So it should come as no surprise that we still have to hear about this thing day in and day out, yes? Good, because that’s the case. Fetuses did not do much themselves this year, but former fetuses, people who think they still know what it’s like to be a young fetus today, did. Among them, of course, was the Bush family, who let us know about the amusing time Barbara had a miscarriage and the fetus was stuffed in a jar that was then stuffed in George W.’s face, still warm. This is always such a fun issue. Read more on The Year In Fetuses and Their Jars…
  the notorious bfg

Young George W. Bush Traumatized By Barbara Bush’s Fetus Jar

Some people give lame reasons to be pro-life, but George W. Bush really has a pretty good excuse. While on his current “Say Anything To Get People To Buy My Book Nobody Would Read Otherwise” tour, Bush revealed to Matt Lauer the reason he dislikes abortion: His mother had a miscarriage when he was a teenager and liked to parade around her dead offspring in a jar. Holy hell, this family. “Junior, please pass sister fetus jar the mashed potatoes.” “Junior, please drive your brother the fetus jar to school.” “Junior, doesn’t your sister the fetus jar look beautiful in her prom dress? Pull her out of the goo and pin that corsage on her, wouldn’t you? Then give her a kiss goodbye. She’d best be going or she’ll be late!” Read more on Young George W. Bush Traumatized By Barbara Bush’s Fetus Jar…
  cartoon violence

Cartoon Violence Against the Preborn

By the Comics CurmudgeonIf you’re like most right-thinking Americans, you’re probably wondering, “What does the mainstream media have against precious, precious babies that have yet to choose to leave their mothers’ wombs yet, anyway? Why are these elitists all basically posting pleas on page A1 begging women to get abortions?” Well, it all boils down to economics: newspapers need readers, and it’s a well known fact that virtually all preborn babies are wholly illiterate. And once they are welcomed through their mothers’ vaginal gates, they make so many demands on their parents’ time that they don’t have time to read thoughtful columns by Richard Cohen or David Brooks either! And, since Wonkette would go out of business if we didn’t have Richard Cohen and David Brooks to make fun of, we too must get on that gravy train. After the jump: fetuses and their discontents. Read more on Cartoon Violence Against the Preborn…
  cartoon violence

Gayest Cartoon Violence Ever

By the Comics CurmudgeonDid you ever see one of those romantic comedies where the two principals just straight up frickin’ loathe each other, and try to undermine and destroy one another, but then, in the stunning turnaround that generally happens at the end of Act I or thereabouts, it turns out that all that animosity is just a cover for the fact that secretly they want to bone? Oh, you have seen that, because it’s the plot of virtually every romantic comedy ever? Well, since all life follows the formulas laid out by our entertainment industry, what do you think that says about the partisan gridlock in Washington? (ANSWER: IT MEANS THEY WANT TO DO SEX WITH EACH OTHER, ALL THE TIME.) Read more on Gayest Cartoon Violence Ever…