Tag Archives: fema

  congressional misbehavior

Legislators Spending More On Travel Than Before Recession

Here is a good use legislators have found for taxpayer money: more congressional travel, millions and millions of dollars of it! It’s not like we weren’t just hearing about how maybe some of those disaster victims in Missouri needed it, or anything. Free vacations for members of Congress and their families are the one thing we have left to offer our national royalty, because we are so poor now. The nice people of America will give up their FEMA funds and their Medicaid and their Pell Grants so our lawmakers can make those crucial goodwill-building trips to Costa Rican beaches. Pelosi actually told legislators to knock this off in 2010, but whoops, she’s not in charge anymore. The orange man is. Quick, to Brazil, before this debt ceiling thing hits! Read more on Legislators Spending More On Travel Than Before Recession…
  worst excuses ever

FEMA: Razed Houses In Alabama Have ‘Insufficient Damage’ To Receive Funds

A family in Alabama whose house was completely leveled, squashed, shredded, and blown apart (in that order) by one of the nation’s endless tornado rampages got a creepy letter from incompetent bureaucrat holding pen FEMA saying that, after inspection, their home was deemed to have “insufficient damage” to qualify for FEMA funds. Could you please make up any other reason on earth to say you won’t give them the ca$h, FEMA? Say that roving chimps invaded your filing systems and ate the reports. Say the inspector developed medial temporal amnesia and thought you had a nice Winnebago where you were holing up. Say your funds approval officer has a sadistic streak but he’s in therapy SO HANG IN THERE, WE’LL FIX IT.  But “insufficient damage?” Read more on FEMA: Razed Houses In Alabama Have ‘Insufficient Damage’ To Receive Funds…
  poseidon's laughing at us

House Republicans Were Just Trying To Cut Tsunami Monitoring, of Course

As tsunami waves from the Japan earthquake begin to hit Hawaii and are on their way to our West Coast, the federal government has been closely monitoring the situation at the Pacific Tsunami Warning Center and is issuing advisories to those affected as necessary. Luckily, they aren’t anticipating major damage. The United States is able to monitor the globe and quickly spring into action to save lives when necessary because its taxpayers fund it. But if Republicans in Congress had their way with proposed budget cuts that just failed in the Senate, tsunami and other disaster monitoring operations would have been reduced significantly. Good thing God got this awful disaster in when he did! Read more on House Republicans Were Just Trying To Cut Tsunami Monitoring, of Course…
  'we begin bombing in five minutes'

FEMA/Homeland Security Making New Presidential Emergency Announcements

Hooray, the good people at FEMA and Homeland Security have recorded a bunch of terrible doom announcements by Barack Obama, for when we have an Egyptian-style revolt. Luckily, these will never be used, because the only thing “Egyptian-style” Americans might like is, maybe, a new kind of “Egyptian-style Anusburger Lover’s Super Bowl Special” from Dominoes, which will be a 57,000-calorie pizza-cake topped with two dozen Quarter Pounder/McRib combo burritos wrapped in Olive Garden bread stix and drizzled with corn syrup, nacho “cheese sauce” and hen semen: Read more on FEMA/Homeland Security Making New Presidential Emergency Announcements…
  it's morning in america

New Orleans Evicts Remaining Toxic FEMA Trailer Dwellers

From the noble Brownstones of Brooklyn to the hilltop villas of Malibu that fall onto incoming traffic whenever there’s a mudslide, America is full of architectural gems. So it’s rather worrisome that New Orleans officials are planning to rid their city of the last remaining FEMA trailers — national treasures which are widely recognized as horrible and “all the proof you need that George W. Bush hates black/poor people.” Christ, these are probably the same vintage trailers (circa 2006) that contain obscene levels of toxic formaldehyde gas. Are people really still living in these poisonous tin cans? And is there any remaining doubt that we are a Failed State? Good grief, “Happy New Year.” [AP] Read more on New Orleans Evicts Remaining Toxic FEMA Trailer Dwellers… Read more on New Orleans Evicts Remaining Toxic FEMA Trailer Dwellers…
  our new media economy

Fox News Encourages Old Poor People To Try ‘Photoshop’

Cable channel Fox News needs content for its website, but of course Fox News stories consist of some video clips from a space movie, a weird chart with random numbers, and a couple of words like “socialist.” Tough to turn that into a few paragraphs on a web page. And that’s why America’s sad old unemployed people have been asked to make crappy photoshops for Mr. Murdoch’s web concern. Read more on Fox News Encourages Old Poor People To Try ‘Photoshop’…
  horrible national embarrassments

Buy One Of FEMA’s Toxic Slimy Death Cubes For Super Cheap! BUY TWO!

Residential real estate is back! “In a giant auction, the federal government has agreed to sell for pennies on the dollar most of the 120,000 formaldehyde-tainted trailers it bought nearly five years ago for Hurricane Katrina victims… Besides formaldehyde, units may be plagued by mold, mildew and propane gas leaks, FEMA acknowledged.” Well, our dizzying, oddly-vented shower unit that says “Auschwitz” on the side keeps erupting into spontaneous blue fires, only a few years after buying it at that underground German government auction. So maybe this FEMA thing is a good opportunity for your Wonkette to buy some new office space, no? [Washington Post] Read more on Buy One Of FEMA’s Toxic Slimy Death Cubes For Super Cheap! BUY TWO!…
  michele bachmann was right

Disgusted by Everybody’s Complaining, Barack Obama Puts America In FEMA Death Camp

This country may no longer be “Number One” in anything important — manufacturing, education, innovation, hot chicks, architecture, infrastructure, wealth, health, spaceships, etc. — but the U.S.A. still leads the world in whining like a special needs titty baby about EVERYTHING, all the time. Read more on Disgusted by Everybody’s Complaining, Barack Obama Puts America In FEMA Death Camp…
  blood harvest

Michelle Obama Hooking Kids On Organics

Chicago crime boss Michelle Obama wasted no time turning the once-pristine White House grounds into a foul “organic garden” filled with marijuana and other arugula. Children from a local elementary school were shipped over in FEMA trailers and forced to sample the “good for you” delicacies. In other words, the first harvest from the Nobama Nationalized Yard Garden was a great success! [Flickr/NYT The Caucus] Read more on Michelle Obama Hooking Kids On Organics…
  lolwut?

FEMA Censors Weird 9/11 Coloring Book, For Kids!

For god knows how many years, the evil shadow government FEMA had this weird terror-coloring booklet, for kids, available as a fun PDF download. Then, due to …. hmm, body bags? Domestic concentration camps? Formaldehyde trailers? Black Oil? Bees? Let’s say bees …. Read more on FEMA Censors Weird 9/11 Coloring Book, For Kids!…
  master of disaster

Obama Picks Florida Person To Run Hurricaines

FEMA is the secretive X-Files agency that builds the Concentration Camps for American poors who will somehow be fattened up even more so the Space Monsters can have food and also get diabetes. But in tragic reality, FEMA is just this inept federal agency that makes sure shit goes very wrong whenever there’s a hurricane. And hurricanes often happen in America’s Dumbest State, Flordia, so that’s why Barack Obama picked some random FLA person to help flood America. Read more on Obama Picks Florida Person To Run Hurricaines…
  forgettable bush administration figures

BROWNIE EVACUATES DISASTER ZONE: Former FEMA head Michael Brown does one thing and does it well, and that’s getting himself as far as possible from natural disasters and straight to a safely distant Tex-Mex chain restaurant for appletinis and “bacon sliders.” Wildfires in Boulder? Michael Brown must be haulin’ ass. [Colorado Independent] Read more on …
  rumors on the internets

Laura Bush Will Save The Publishing Industry Forever

America has the most guns per capita of anywhere, ever, including Yemen! Yemen. A full 89 out of 100 people own firearms. [Andrew Sullivan] Obama is going to revamp FEMA by hiring some Clinton staffer who already fixed the thing eight years ago and left just before Michael Brown destroyed both FEMA and New Orleans out of boredom. [Kevin Drum] Read more on Laura Bush Will Save The Publishing Industry Forever…
  old coots

Violent Old FEMA Coot Wants To Be Famous!

Readers may remember the sad tale of Vincent Koley, the 74-year-old FEMA contractor who, while on a relief dispatch to flooded Iowa, hit some guy with his car and then beat him up with a golf club, all the while claiming that he could do as he pleased because he was “with FEMA.” Koley has denied saying that last part and says that the story is “all wrong,” except for such minor details as him hitting a guy with his car and then beating him up with golf clubs. But Koley remains in good spirits despite “all that,” because this modicum of local/Internet fame might finally get him into showbiz! Hollywood pitchers and the like! Read more on Violent Old FEMA Coot Wants To Be Famous!…
  old coots

Old FEMA Coot Beats Up Guy With Golf Club, In Iowa

So Iowa is underwater forever, and to the nation’s shock, FEMA has sent out emergency response teams — to help! This is only the second time in world history that FEMA has helped anyone, the other being the time they released that “How To Deal With Satellites That Crash Into Your Skull” manual. Perhaps they could create a follow-up manual now called “How To Deal With FEMA Emergency Contractors Who Arbitrarily Beat The Shit Out Of You With Golf Clubs, In Iowa, After Trying To Hit You With Their Cars.” Because! An Incident! Read more on Old FEMA Coot Beats Up Guy With Golf Club, In Iowa…
 

Mulder & Scully Crack 9/11-Condi Conspiracy

A long time ago in the 1990s there was this teevee program called The X-Files — a creepy mix of Nixon-era political conspiracy, the occult, fake terror attacks, FEMA killing everybody, and Space Demons. It seemed completely fantastic until 2001, when Dick Cheney and George W. Bush began their reign of horror. And finally, after years of silence, the creators of the X-Files are talking about how this administration stole all their ideas, even 9/11! Read more on Mulder & Scully Crack 9/11-Condi Conspiracy…
 

FEMA’s Tips For Encountering a Poison, Crashing Satellite

As you may have heard, the Pentagon’s space missile successfully hit that broken Satellite of Love last night, and now its poisonous death shrapnel (which has actually been deemed “unhazardous,” by liars) will come hurling into our atmosphere, killing us all. But there is one hope for us in this Armageddon scenario: the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), the revered handymen most famous for getting New Orleans back on its feet within 24 hours of the initial Hurricane Katrina strike. Last week, America’s Most Effective Agency released its “First Responder Guide For Space Object Re-Entry,” i.e. “what to do if the poison satellite crashes next to you.” How will FEMA save the world this time? Read more on FEMA’s Tips For Encountering a Poison, Crashing Satellite…
 

FEMA Figures Out a Way to Help Katrina Survivors

It’s been more than two years since Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast and left a shitload of people (many of them poor) without homes and belongings and even some family members. Since then, FEMA and a variety of government agencies have done everything in their power to make things worse for those that couldn’t leave or wanted to come back. But, now they totally have a plan! Read more on FEMA Figures Out a Way to Help Katrina Survivors…
 

Stand In The Fire

* It’ll be great to have a president that inspires as much visceral hatred as Bush does. [Michelle Malkin] * Generals aren’t supposed to get blown up, and yet …. [Think Progress] * Fred Thompson’s sweaters aren’t nearly as gay as a certain other doomed Republican we can think of. [Fresh Intelligence] * It’s so obvious that Bush doesn’t actually care about Jews and Palestinians that even those people have to say so. [Red State] * Saying that the media is faulted for campaign hype is like saying, you know, the sun is why it’s light out. [Capitol Hill Blue] * FEMA fabulist loses his job, which is a bummer because that probably means no more good news from SoCal .[TPMmuckraker] Read more on Stand In The Fire…
 

FEMA faker won’t be getting that fancy new spy-P.R. job after all. [AP/Guardian]
 

FEMA Creep Who Faked Press Conference Gets Promoted!

The job of a public-relations professional is to make the Client look good, and FEMA flack John “Pat” Philbin certainly pulled that off last week, when he created a “press conference” featuring some very friendly “reporters” who turned out to be his own staffers. Getting a bunch of friendly questions from the “press” is no easy task for a federal agency best known for drowning thousands of poor Americans, so it should come as no surprise that “Pat” Philbin is getting a big promotion! He’s the new director of public affairs at the Office of the Director of National Intelligence — that’s the new-ish umbrella spy/torture agency that now owns the CIA and NSA and all the other intel shops quickly being outsourced to corrupt GOP-friendly contractors. Congratulation, “Pat”! We all look forward to your positive-message work on the promotion of torture and murder and White House-level intelligence cover-ups. UPDATE: Not so fast, “Pat.” ODNI has revoked the cushy job offer. FEMA Director of External Affairs Exits Amidst PR Scandal; Lands at ODNI [PR Newser] Read more on FEMA Creep Who Faked Press Conference Gets Promoted!…
 

FEMA Asks Itself the Tough Questions

During the Hurricane Katrina fiasco, FEMA found out the hard way that sometimes the press just isn’t feeling very charitable towards the incompetent agency. So when they had a press conference today, the Washington Post‘s Al Kamen reveals, it’s way better to just make sure the reporters can’t get there, and then to assign various staffers with make-believe roles as pretend reporters. Read more on FEMA Asks Itself the Tough Questions…