Tag Archives: fema

  gucci mang

Steve King Off Message About GOP’s Specific Plans To Screw Over Disaster Victims

Mitt Romney is the current GOP nominee for president, which means that, for the next six days, he’s the head of the Republican party. We’re pretty sure that’s in the Constitution? Anyway, in the wake of the hurricane that’s crippled New York City (and also exiled Your Wonkette to Tumblr, even though Tumblr is based in New York, hmm), people want to know his position on federal disaster relief aid. He won’t tell you anything about them, but last June he said, “Every time you have an occasion to take something from the federal government and send it back to the states, that’s the right direction.” And this week a spokesperson said “States should be in charge of emergency management in responding to storms and other natural disasters in their jurisdictions … and direct[ing] resources and assistance to where they are needed most. This includes help from the federal government and FEMA.” So there you have it: the feds should give disaster relief to state governments to spend as they wish, which they’ll probably screw up somehow, but at least they’ll screw up on the state level, and the invisible hand of the market will guide you to a better state, unless you die. EXCEPT … what’s that, Steve King? The federal government needs to tightly control how disaster relief money is spent, lest it go to handbags or prostitutes or, worse, disaster preparedness??? Tell us more! Read more on Steve King Off Message About GOP’s Specific Plans To Screw Over Disaster Victims…
  failing up

Mitt Romney’s Guide To Flood Management

As Click & Clack will tell you, it’s the stingy man who ends up paying most, and apparently it’s as true of governing as car repairs! And apparently also, Mitt Romney, as governor of Massachusetts, was quite the Scrooge when it came to building levees and other flood control for his state! Here is a nice find from our friends at Slog: In the spring of 2004, Peabody, Mass., got drenched with rain, which flooded the downtown area. After the storm, then-Gov. Mitt Romney asked President George W. Bush to declare Essex, Middlesex and Suffolk Counties federal disaster areas, according to the Boston Globe. That fall, the state legislature proposed spending $5.7 million on a flood prevention project to protect against future floods. Those funds would be matched by $22 million in federal money. Romney vetoed it. Haha, you guys are never gonna guess what happened just two years later, in 1996 2006. Go ahead, try. You’ll never … oh. Yeah, that was it. Read more on Mitt Romney’s Guide To Flood Management…
  mittens' world

Mitt Romney Iz In Ur Hurricane, Privatizin Ur FEMA

Hello to all of you in the Eastern third of this great country, currently hoarding boxes of wine and tarp and more boxes of wine in order to hopefully get through Frankenstorm without killing your loved ones in a fit of cabin fever. How is that going for you, gathering all those supplies and whatnot? Would it go EVEN BETTER if you knew that there was no FEMA? Or, what if you knew that FEMA had been turned into a profit-making machine for Job Creators? Would that make you work EVEN HARDER to prepare for the oncoming storm? Absolutely it would, says Mitt Romney, and also, do you think that FEMA will help you pick of the pieces of your ruined lives if the worst should occur? LOSERS. This is nothing short of immoral. Read more on Mitt Romney Iz In Ur Hurricane, Privatizin Ur FEMA…
  i know we'll meet again some sunny day

Feds Cutting Back On Nuclear Power Plant Safety Because Honestly, Why Bother

The last few years has been pretty much a nonstop ride of positive safety PR for the nuclear power industry, right? I mean, this is an technology that absorbed an enormous earthquake and tsunami and barely even killed anyone/left whole towns uninhabitable/terrified the world. Nuclear power couldn’t even bring harm to erstwhile Wonkette scribe Jack Stuef! So really, why should Americans be spending our precious tax dollars on making our own nuclear power plants safer, when that money could be diverted to more pressing needs (tax cuts for billionaires, hott new missile defense systems, capital gains tax cuts … just spitballing here). But don’t worry, we don’t need those gridlocked crumbums in Congress to make these important decisions, since they were already put into place by updates to obscure federal regulations six months ago. Read more on Feds Cutting Back On Nuclear Power Plant Safety Because Honestly, Why Bother…
  leadership

Rick Perry Remembers He Hadn’t Yet Blamed Feds For Texas Wildfires

Texas, Texas, burning down, where o where can the federal government be found? Rick “just secede already” Perry is all bent out of shape because, God, these idiots, the feds are too busy with their red tape to help Rick Perry do war on the enormous wildfires trying to swallow the entire state back into the earth. Perry requested federal assistance and giant fire-killing drones from Fort Hood that have yet to arrive, although we are not sure when he asked for it because he didn’t say, maybe a few hours ago? WHAT IS UP WITH THAT. Stupid government red war tape! Keep that middle finger raised high, Rick Perry. God and the Texas state legislature that is busy¬†cutting the firefighters’ budget by $34 million in the midst of the crisis, they will still get their high-fives. Read more on Rick Perry Remembers He Hadn’t Yet Blamed Feds For Texas Wildfires…
  old men hate new trends

Nostalgic Ron Paul Remembers His Favorite Early 20th Century Disasters

Oh goody, what’s that crazy old Ron Paul yammering on about this time? Someone told him there’s a hurricane-a-comin’ and he just rolled his eyes thinking about how FEMA is going to come in and just plain old ruin everybody’s fun. Back in Ron Paul’s day (the turn of the century), there was no dumb “Federal Emergency Management.” Everyone just grabbed their guns and their petticoats and ran for their lives! Read more on Nostalgic Ron Paul Remembers His Favorite Early 20th Century Disasters…
  mormon jesus hates america

Mitt Romney Says Helping America’s Tornado Victims Is ‘Immoral’

Tornadoes and floods and wildfires and droughts and other biblical plagues have been killing Americans and destroying their towns all year long, but constipated mannequin Mitt Romney wants to be seen as a real tough-guy Tea Party asshole these days. So he told a crowd that helping storm victims is “immoral” and that it also “makes no sense.” Just let those stupid Midwestern people die already! If Mormon Jesus wanted Americans in the Heartland to be alive, he wouldn’t have killed them with a constant parade of devastating megastorms! Read more on Mitt Romney Says Helping America’s Tornado Victims Is ‘Immoral’…
  congressional misbehavior

Legislators Spending More On Travel Than Before Recession

Here is a good use legislators have found for taxpayer money: more congressional travel, millions and millions of dollars of it! It’s not like we weren’t just hearing about how maybe some of those disaster victims in Missouri needed it, or anything. Free vacations for members of Congress and their families are the one thing we have left to offer our national royalty, because we are so poor now. The nice people of America will give up their FEMA funds and their Medicaid and their Pell Grants so our lawmakers can make those crucial goodwill-building trips to Costa Rican beaches. Pelosi actually told legislators to knock this off in 2010, but whoops, she’s not in charge anymore. The orange man is. Quick, to Brazil, before this debt ceiling thing hits! Read more on Legislators Spending More On Travel Than Before Recession…
  worst excuses ever

FEMA: Razed Houses In Alabama Have ‘Insufficient Damage’ To Receive Funds

A family in Alabama whose house was completely leveled, squashed, shredded, and blown apart (in that order) by one of the nation’s endless tornado rampages got a creepy letter from incompetent bureaucrat holding pen FEMA saying that, after inspection, their home was deemed to have “insufficient damage” to qualify for FEMA funds. Could you please make up any other reason on earth to say you won’t give them the ca$h, FEMA? Say that roving chimps invaded your filing systems and ate the reports. Say the inspector developed medial temporal amnesia and thought you had a nice Winnebago where you were holing up. Say your funds approval officer has a sadistic streak but he’s in therapy SO HANG IN THERE, WE’LL FIX IT.¬† But “insufficient damage?” Read more on FEMA: Razed Houses In Alabama Have ‘Insufficient Damage’ To Receive Funds…
  poseidon's laughing at us

House Republicans Were Just Trying To Cut Tsunami Monitoring, of Course

As tsunami waves from the Japan earthquake begin to hit Hawaii and are on their way to our West Coast, the federal government has been closely monitoring the situation at the Pacific Tsunami Warning Center and is issuing advisories to those affected as necessary. Luckily, they aren’t anticipating major damage. The United States is able to monitor the globe and quickly spring into action to save lives when necessary because its taxpayers fund it. But if Republicans in Congress had their way with proposed budget cuts that just failed in the Senate, tsunami and other disaster monitoring operations would have been reduced significantly. Good thing God got this awful disaster in when he did! Read more on House Republicans Were Just Trying To Cut Tsunami Monitoring, of Course…
  'we begin bombing in five minutes'

FEMA/Homeland Security Making New Presidential Emergency Announcements

Hooray, the good people at FEMA and Homeland Security have recorded a bunch of terrible doom announcements by Barack Obama, for when we have an Egyptian-style revolt. Luckily, these will never be used, because the only thing “Egyptian-style” Americans might like is, maybe, a new kind of “Egyptian-style Anusburger Lover’s Super Bowl Special” from Dominoes, which will be a 57,000-calorie pizza-cake topped with two dozen Quarter Pounder/McRib combo burritos wrapped in Olive Garden bread stix and drizzled with corn syrup, nacho “cheese sauce” and hen semen: Read more on FEMA/Homeland Security Making New Presidential Emergency Announcements…
  it's morning in america

New Orleans Evicts Remaining Toxic FEMA Trailer Dwellers

From the noble Brownstones of Brooklyn to the hilltop villas of Malibu that fall onto incoming traffic whenever there’s a mudslide, America is full of architectural gems. So it’s rather worrisome that New Orleans officials are planning to rid their city of the last remaining FEMA trailers — national treasures which are widely recognized as horrible and “all the proof you need that George W. Bush hates black/poor people.” Christ, these are probably the same vintage trailers (circa 2006) that contain obscene levels of toxic formaldehyde gas. Are people really still living in these poisonous tin cans? And is there any remaining doubt that we are a Failed State? Good grief, “Happy New Year.” [AP] Read more on New Orleans Evicts Remaining Toxic FEMA Trailer Dwellers… Read more on New Orleans Evicts Remaining Toxic FEMA Trailer Dwellers…
  our new media economy

Fox News Encourages Old Poor People To Try ‘Photoshop’

Cable channel Fox News needs content for its website, but of course Fox News stories consist of some video clips from a space movie, a weird chart with random numbers, and a couple of words like “socialist.” Tough to turn that into a few paragraphs on a web page. And that’s why America’s sad old unemployed people have been asked to make crappy photoshops for Mr. Murdoch’s web concern. Read more on Fox News Encourages Old Poor People To Try ‘Photoshop’…
  horrible national embarrassments

Buy One Of FEMA’s Toxic Slimy Death Cubes For Super Cheap! BUY TWO!

Residential real estate is back! “In a giant auction, the federal government has agreed to sell for pennies on the dollar most of the 120,000 formaldehyde-tainted trailers it bought nearly five years ago for Hurricane Katrina victims… Besides formaldehyde, units may be plagued by mold, mildew and propane gas leaks, FEMA acknowledged.” Well, our dizzying, oddly-vented shower unit that says “Auschwitz” on the side keeps erupting into spontaneous blue fires, only a few years after buying it at that underground German government auction. So maybe this FEMA thing is a good opportunity for your Wonkette to buy some new office space, no? [Washington Post] Read more on Buy One Of FEMA’s Toxic Slimy Death Cubes For Super Cheap! BUY TWO!…
  michele bachmann was right

Disgusted by Everybody’s Complaining, Barack Obama Puts America In FEMA Death Camp

This country may no longer be “Number One” in anything important — manufacturing, education, innovation, hot chicks, architecture, infrastructure, wealth, health, spaceships, etc. — but the U.S.A. still leads the world in whining like a special needs titty baby about EVERYTHING, all the time. Read more on Disgusted by Everybody’s Complaining, Barack Obama Puts America In FEMA Death Camp…
  blood harvest

Michelle Obama Hooking Kids On Organics

Chicago crime boss Michelle Obama wasted no time turning the once-pristine White House grounds into a foul “organic garden” filled with marijuana and other arugula. Children from a local elementary school were shipped over in FEMA trailers and forced to sample the “good for you” delicacies. In other words, the first harvest from the Nobama Nationalized Yard Garden was a great success! [Flickr/NYT The Caucus] Read more on Michelle Obama Hooking Kids On Organics…