Tag Archives: fema

  michele bachmann was right

Disgusted by Everybody’s Complaining, Barack Obama Puts America In FEMA Death Camp

This country may no longer be “Number One” in anything important — manufacturing, education, innovation, hot chicks, architecture, infrastructure, wealth, health, spaceships, etc. — but the U.S.A. still leads the world in whining like a special needs titty baby about EVERYTHING, all the time. Read more on Disgusted by Everybody’s Complaining, Barack Obama Puts America In FEMA Death Camp…
  blood harvest

Michelle Obama Hooking Kids On Organics

Chicago crime boss Michelle Obama wasted no time turning the once-pristine White House grounds into a foul “organic garden” filled with marijuana and other arugula. Children from a local elementary school were shipped over in FEMA trailers and forced to sample the “good for you” delicacies. In other words, the first harvest from the Nobama Nationalized Yard Garden was a great success! [Flickr/NYT The Caucus] Read more on Michelle Obama Hooking Kids On Organics…
  lolwut?

FEMA Censors Weird 9/11 Coloring Book, For Kids!

For god knows how many years, the evil shadow government FEMA had this weird terror-coloring booklet, for kids, available as a fun PDF download. Then, due to …. hmm, body bags? Domestic concentration camps? Formaldehyde trailers? Black Oil? Bees? Let’s say bees …. Read more on FEMA Censors Weird 9/11 Coloring Book, For Kids!…
  master of disaster

Obama Picks Florida Person To Run Hurricaines

FEMA is the secretive X-Files agency that builds the Concentration Camps for American poors who will somehow be fattened up even more so the Space Monsters can have food and also get diabetes. But in tragic reality, FEMA is just this inept federal agency that makes sure shit goes very wrong whenever there’s a hurricane. And hurricanes often happen in America’s Dumbest State, Flordia, so that’s why Barack Obama picked some random FLA person to help flood America. Read more on Obama Picks Florida Person To Run Hurricaines…
  forgettable bush administration figures

BROWNIE EVACUATES DISASTER ZONE: Former FEMA head Michael Brown does one thing and does it well, and that’s getting himself as far as possible from natural disasters and straight to a safely distant Tex-Mex chain restaurant for appletinis and “bacon sliders.” Wildfires in Boulder? Michael Brown must be haulin’ ass. [Colorado Independent] Read more on …
  rumors on the internets

Laura Bush Will Save The Publishing Industry Forever

America has the most guns per capita of anywhere, ever, including Yemen! Yemen. A full 89 out of 100 people own firearms. [Andrew Sullivan] Obama is going to revamp FEMA by hiring some Clinton staffer who already fixed the thing eight years ago and left just before Michael Brown destroyed both FEMA and New Orleans out of boredom. [Kevin Drum] Read more on Laura Bush Will Save The Publishing Industry Forever…
  old coots

Violent Old FEMA Coot Wants To Be Famous!

Readers may remember the sad tale of Vincent Koley, the 74-year-old FEMA contractor who, while on a relief dispatch to flooded Iowa, hit some guy with his car and then beat him up with a golf club, all the while claiming that he could do as he pleased because he was “with FEMA.” Koley has denied saying that last part and says that the story is “all wrong,” except for such minor details as him hitting a guy with his car and then beating him up with golf clubs. But Koley remains in good spirits despite “all that,” because this modicum of local/Internet fame might finally get him into showbiz! Hollywood pitchers and the like! Read more on Violent Old FEMA Coot Wants To Be Famous!…
  old coots

Old FEMA Coot Beats Up Guy With Golf Club, In Iowa

So Iowa is underwater forever, and to the nation’s shock, FEMA has sent out emergency response teams — to help! This is only the second time in world history that FEMA has helped anyone, the other being the time they released that “How To Deal With Satellites That Crash Into Your Skull” manual. Perhaps they could create a follow-up manual now called “How To Deal With FEMA Emergency Contractors Who Arbitrarily Beat The Shit Out Of You With Golf Clubs, In Iowa, After Trying To Hit You With Their Cars.” Because! An Incident! Read more on Old FEMA Coot Beats Up Guy With Golf Club, In Iowa…
 

Mulder & Scully Crack 9/11-Condi Conspiracy

A long time ago in the 1990s there was this teevee program called The X-Files — a creepy mix of Nixon-era political conspiracy, the occult, fake terror attacks, FEMA killing everybody, and Space Demons. It seemed completely fantastic until 2001, when Dick Cheney and George W. Bush began their reign of horror. And finally, after years of silence, the creators of the X-Files are talking about how this administration stole all their ideas, even 9/11! Read more on Mulder & Scully Crack 9/11-Condi Conspiracy…
 

FEMA’s Tips For Encountering a Poison, Crashing Satellite

As you may have heard, the Pentagon’s space missile successfully hit that broken Satellite of Love last night, and now its poisonous death shrapnel (which has actually been deemed “unhazardous,” by liars) will come hurling into our atmosphere, killing us all. But there is one hope for us in this Armageddon scenario: the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA), the revered handymen most famous for getting New Orleans back on its feet within 24 hours of the initial Hurricane Katrina strike. Last week, America’s Most Effective Agency released its “First Responder Guide For Space Object Re-Entry,” i.e. “what to do if the poison satellite crashes next to you.” How will FEMA save the world this time? Read more on FEMA’s Tips For Encountering a Poison, Crashing Satellite…
 

FEMA Figures Out a Way to Help Katrina Survivors

It’s been more than two years since Hurricane Katrina hit the Gulf Coast and left a shitload of people (many of them poor) without homes and belongings and even some family members. Since then, FEMA and a variety of government agencies have done everything in their power to make things worse for those that couldn’t leave or wanted to come back. But, now they totally have a plan! Read more on FEMA Figures Out a Way to Help Katrina Survivors…
 

Stand In The Fire

* It’ll be great to have a president that inspires as much visceral hatred as Bush does. [Michelle Malkin] * Generals aren’t supposed to get blown up, and yet …. [Think Progress] * Fred Thompson’s sweaters aren’t nearly as gay as a certain other doomed Republican we can think of. [Fresh Intelligence] * It’s so obvious that Bush doesn’t actually care about Jews and Palestinians that even those people have to say so. [Red State] * Saying that the media is faulted for campaign hype is like saying, you know, the sun is why it’s light out. [Capitol Hill Blue] * FEMA fabulist loses his job, which is a bummer because that probably means no more good news from SoCal .[TPMmuckraker] Read more on Stand In The Fire…
 

FEMA faker won’t be getting that fancy new spy-P.R. job after all. [AP/Guardian]
 

FEMA Creep Who Faked Press Conference Gets Promoted!

The job of a public-relations professional is to make the Client look good, and FEMA flack John “Pat” Philbin certainly pulled that off last week, when he created a “press conference” featuring some very friendly “reporters” who turned out to be his own staffers. Getting a bunch of friendly questions from the “press” is no easy task for a federal agency best known for drowning thousands of poor Americans, so it should come as no surprise that “Pat” Philbin is getting a big promotion! He’s the new director of public affairs at the Office of the Director of National Intelligence — that’s the new-ish umbrella spy/torture agency that now owns the CIA and NSA and all the other intel shops quickly being outsourced to corrupt GOP-friendly contractors. Congratulation, “Pat”! We all look forward to your positive-message work on the promotion of torture and murder and White House-level intelligence cover-ups. UPDATE: Not so fast, “Pat.” ODNI has revoked the cushy job offer. FEMA Director of External Affairs Exits Amidst PR Scandal; Lands at ODNI [PR Newser] Read more on FEMA Creep Who Faked Press Conference Gets Promoted!…
 

FEMA Asks Itself the Tough Questions

During the Hurricane Katrina fiasco, FEMA found out the hard way that sometimes the press just isn’t feeling very charitable towards the incompetent agency. So when they had a press conference today, the Washington Post‘s Al Kamen reveals, it’s way better to just make sure the reporters can’t get there, and then to assign various staffers with make-believe roles as pretend reporters. Read more on FEMA Asks Itself the Tough Questions…
 

Brownie to Save World, Yet Again

People of Southern California who are on fire: Have no fear, for disaster relief (in the form of a human disaster) is on the way! Former FEMA Director Michael “Heckuva Job” “Brownie” “Abortion of a Human” Brown, the guy who hosted a Hurricane Party with fresh margs for himself during Katrina, is hopping on a jet plane to SoCal and will fix you AND your forests. Shit, he might even bring a hose! See, he’s not so incompetent when it’s white people asking for disaster relief. Brownie, You’ve Got a Heckuva Job [WSJ via Political Machine] Read more on Brownie to Save World, Yet Again…
 

George W. Bush Wishes New Orleans a Very Happy Katrina Birthday

You’d never guess our little Katrina is two years old today. Why? Because it looks like that hurricane and terrible flooding happened just days ago! Who would think a major American city would still be in ruins two fucking years after it was deluged and half-abandoned? Read more on George W. Bush Wishes New Orleans a Very Happy Katrina Birthday…
 

Despised, Incompetent Ghoul Is Top Pick For Attorney General

A widely hated cretin is the White House’s top choice for attorney general, experts said today. Michael Chertoff is known for his bizarre threats against America and his tenure at the biggest fucking joke agency in American history, the “department of homeland security.” Despised by Republicans, Democrats and actual humans, Chertoff is just the kind of loathsome creep the Bush Administration is likely to choose to be AG for a few weeks until the whole gang is rounded up and sent to Gitmo. Read more on Despised, Incompetent Ghoul Is Top Pick For Attorney General…
 

NASA Now Crashing Trains, Too

In a hilarious slapstick NASA version of that one time when Ozzy Osbourne’s jet crashed into Lynyrd Skynyrd’s tour bus or something, a train carrying those giant space shuttle rocket fuel tanks crashed in a forest in Alabama. Read more on NASA Now Crashing Trains, Too…
 

Heckuva Job, Mappie: Google Disappears Post-Katrina Map Pix

There are now two places on Earth where New Orleans isn’t a half-abandoned wasteland: Micheal “Brownie” Brown’s mind and Google Maps. Inexplicably, the satellite maps the world has come to depend upon were replaced with pre-Katrina maps for the storm-wrecked Gulf Coast. Read more on Heckuva Job, Mappie: Google Disappears Post-Katrina Map Pix…
 

BBC, CNN Employ Magical Psychic News Announcers

The Internets are buzzing with the bizarre story of BBC News reporting the 9/11 collapse of WTC7 before the building actually collapsed — all over a live shot of Ground Zero, with the 47-story highrise clearly in view and clearly standing. What it “proves” is anyone’s guess, but it sure makes for hilarious viewing. But BBC reporters and anchors who maybe didn’t know the Manhattan skyline so well could possibly be forgiven for reporting an erroneous story and not knowing that great big highrise was World Trade Center 7 (otherwise known as the Salomon Brothers building). So why doesn’t the BBC simply say it got a story wrong and didn’t know any better? Stranger still, why did New York-based CNN anchor Aaron Brown do the same exact thing on September 11, 2001? We’ve got all the creepy video and much more to make your head asplode, after the jump. Read more on BBC, CNN Employ Magical Psychic News Announcers…
 

Bipartisanship Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry

Joe Lieberman: the most bipartisan man in the history of bipartisanship! He’s so averse to more of this petty inter-party squabbling that he won’t investigate the White House response to Hurricane Katrina after all! Despite, you know, heading the committee that’s supposed to oversee FEMA and kind of promising that he would before that election thing. Read more on Bipartisanship Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry…