Tag Archives: fema

  Working Out Pretty Well For Them

George W. Bush In New Orleans: Heckuva Job, Myself!

    George W. Bush returned to the scene of the crime Friday, speaking briefly at a high school that had been flooded during Hurricane Katrina 10 years ago. You will be astonished that his remarks were utterly devoid of self-reflection or regret. After all, why would he need to regret anything that happened in New Orleans? But he did say he’d learned at least one lesson from the decade following Katrina: We need to privatize public education. At least he didn’t spoil the occasion by mentioning climate change. Read more on George W. Bush In New Orleans: Heckuva Job, Myself!…
  How Christ Must Have Felt

Being God’s Chosen Presidential Candidate Giving Ted Cruz Nasty Case Of Stigmata

The Chosen One, which hath been foretold.
Things are getting rough out there for Ted Cruz, ever since God and Jesus personally visited his dad Rafael Cruz late at night to put a baby in his butt to tell Ted he’s supposed to run for president of America. So young Teddy did answereth the call to be The Chosen One, and HOLY FUCKBISCUITS, it sucks! That is the message of Cruz’s latest whore-grifter campaign email, published Thursday by Mother Jones, and he needs your money to end his pain and suffering. Read more on Being God’s Chosen Presidential Candidate Giving Ted Cruz Nasty Case Of Stigmata…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

If The Duggars Love Hobby Lobby So Much, They Should Gay Marry It. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Let's buy pipe cleaners. Kids like pipe cleaners.
Happy Sunday, you scrappy weasels. We hope you had a nice week, enjoying all the gross news yr Wonkette had to report, because all the news was just terrible and gross and bad. We thought we had our fill of kid-touching stories with Josh Duggar, but then Denny Hastert came in and was like ME TOO, I TOUCHED KIDS TOO. ALLEGEDLY. So it’s time to take a look see at the top ten stories of the week, as chosen by you, the wise Wonkers. Read more on If The Duggars Love Hobby Lobby So Much, They Should Gay Marry It. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  It's different when it's YOUR state

Ted Cruz Still Wants To Murder Federal Government, But After It Cleans Up Texas

Christ what an asshole
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-United States of Texas) hates the federal government, and he is going to kill it so hard, right in its stupid federal face, when he becomes the president of it. He has a plan to abolish the IRS and deport all of its agents to the border; he’s gonna “repeal” Common Core, which is not a law and can’t be repealed, but don’t argue with him, he has a law degree, in LAW STUFF, from HARVARD; and then he’ll disband the Supreme Court and appoint his dry drunk daddy to be in charge of banning all The Gay and saving all The Jews, for Jesus! Because the federal government is THE WORST and serves NO PURPOSE, and that’s why he will get rid of it. But first: Read more on Ted Cruz Still Wants To Murder Federal Government, But After It Cleans Up Texas…
  But no camps!

Texas Happy To Let Obama Invade With FEMA Now Please

Don't fall for it, Texas! Drowning is better than federal tyranny!
Here’s President Barack Obama explaining Tuesday that he’s ready to direct federal aid to Texas, which has suffered deadly flooding since the weekend, with more rain and flash flooding on the way. At least 31 people have died in storms that have hit Oklahoma, Texas, and Mexico, and 13 people are still missing. Strangely, almost nobody in Texas is refusing the offer of federal aid, with the possible exception of keyboard warriors like “Liberty Prime,” whose comment on the YouTube video above is simply “Us texans don’t want you here obama!!!!” Read more on Texas Happy To Let Obama Invade With FEMA Now Please…
  Rick Management

Florida State Senators Taunt Emergency Chief: You Ain’t Allowed To Say ‘Climate Change’!

love the audience reaction here
Florida’s Senate had entirely too much fun taunting Gov. Rick Scott’s head of emergency management last week, trying to get Bryan Koon to say the words “climate change,” which, as we all know, is a Banned Word of Power in Florida’s executive branch these days. And who can blame them? Who wouldn’t love the chance to make the guy squirm, knowing that he has orders — even though of course Scott says there’s no ban on the words. Really? Then why won’t you say those words, Mr. Koon? You know the words. SAY THE WORDS. Read more on Florida State Senators Taunt Emergency Chief: You Ain’t Allowed To Say ‘Climate Change’!…
  Revenge Of The Sea Level

FEMA To States: You Want Cash? Say Climate Change Is Real. SAY IT!

No Disaster Preparedness Funds for you!
In an elegant reply to politicians who aren’t scientists but don’t mind ignoring experts who are, the Federal Emergency Management Agency has come up with a simple solution: States whose governors decide there’s no need to plan for the consequences of a changing climate will no longer qualify for federal grants for emergency preparedness. For climate deniers like Louisiana’s Bobby Jindal, Florida’s Rick Scott, or Texas’s Greg Abbott, it’s a pretty clear opportunity for them to put their coastlines and their populations where their mouths are. Governors who refuse to consider climate in their states’ hazard mitigation plans could lose hundreds of millions of dollars in FEMA money. Read more on FEMA To States: You Want Cash? Say Climate Change Is Real. SAY IT!…
  Omission Accomplished

Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Kept Us Safe From Terrorism

He Kept Us Mostly Safe Kind Of
Well, fans of Christianist textbooks, just like in 1989, we’re just about at the end of history once again, or at least the end of our two rightwing Christian textbooks, almost. Last week, our 11/12th-grade textbook, United States History for Christian Schools (Bob Jones University Press, 2002), closed out* with a discussion of the 2000 election, so this week, we’ll rely solely on the the most fanciful textbook we’ve ever seen, A Beka’s 8th-grade America: Land I Love (2006), which advised us that George W. Bush’s “most important” qualification was that he “unashamedly identified himself as a born-again Christian” who “took a bold stand against moral evils such as abortion and gay rights.” And his presidency was almost as wonderful as Reagan’s, we learn, largely because Dubya rescued us from the horrors of the Clinton years. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: American History Textbooks That Kept Us Safe From Terrorism…
  the shocking truth

Rick Santorum: Colorado Forcibly Re-Educating Anti-Gay Cake Bakers With TPS Reports

Do you ever wonder if Rick Santorum worries that prettier, younger, even more homophobic sweet thangs are taking his place? Maybe each day he looks in the mirror, worries about the grey at his temples, puts on a new sweater vest, purses his lips, tells himself he’s still got it, and goes out to grapple with a new day, hoping that if he gets more and more outrageous, people will still look at him like they once did. That’s really the only explanation we can come up with for his whole “Colorado is FEMA-camping the anti-gay florists” thing he’s got going on this week. Read more on Rick Santorum: Colorado Forcibly Re-Educating Anti-Gay Cake Bakers With TPS Reports…
  all along the watchtowers

Arizona Senate Passes Dumb Bill To Protect Citizens From Obama’s Plot To Nuke America

The Arizona Senate voted Thursday to approve a bill aimed at one of the pet obsessions of preppers and Obama conspiracy theorists. The proposal would require the Department of Emergency and Military Affairs to develop and issue recommendations for how to survive if an electromagnetic pulse hits Arizona or the entire United States, theoretically sending the country into a dark age. The Senate voted 24-3 in favor of the measure, sending it on to the House. There’s a thin…no, make that a fairly bright, well-defined line between disaster preparedness and nutty conspiracy paranoia, and the Arizona Senate seems happy to jump across it. Read more on Arizona Senate Passes Dumb Bill To Protect Citizens From Obama’s Plot To Nuke America…
  real conspiracies are just sad

Georgia Militia Dudes Arrested Trying To Buy Bombs; Sadly, No Dildos Or Tranny* Porn

Oh, hai there, militia guys, how goes the Second American Revolution these days? Not so great, huh, what with getting arrested just for trying to buy some pipe bombs and thermite grenades? Bummer. These three super-Patriot militia guys from Georgia — Brian Cannon, Cory Williamson, and the seriously misnamed Terry Eugene Peace — are just not going to get the chance to water the Tree of Liberty this time, since they got themselves arrested on February 15. Instead, they were charged in federal court last week. The three heroes had been reported to the FBI after participating in online discussions about attacking government targets, and then Mr. Peace asked a “cooperating witness” to sell them explosives. Sadly, this time around, the genius freedom fighters did not have any remote-controlled pink dildos or “Tranny Hunter” DVDs. We truly are suffering from a poorer grade of domestic terrorist these days. Read more on Georgia Militia Dudes Arrested Trying To Buy Bombs; Sadly, No Dildos Or Tranny* Porn…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Slog Through The Slushpile

Welcome to a Gummint Shutdown Edition of the Derp Roundup, your weekly accumulation of asinine asshattery from the aether that was too stoopid to ignore completely but that we weren’t inclined to waste a full-length post on. To start off, let’s do a little bit of mythbusting! We caught Tucker Carlson’s Home for Lying Liars in a bit of a lie! On Wednesday, the Daily Caller proclaimed, based on a single photograph apparently, that Washington DC’s monuments and memorials were all kept open during the 1995/96 shutdowns: The administration’s decision to barricade the Lincoln Memorial marks the first time in its history the memorial has been totally off limits to visitors during a shutdown. As proof, they offer a photo of the interior of the Lincoln Memorial in 1995, showing that the information booth was closed, but tourists were still able to enter the memorial. It took us all of seven minutes,* however, to find this photo from the Denver Post showing a Park Service Police officer standing in front of a completely closed Lincoln Memorial on November 15, 1995. The AP slideshow also includes a photo of the fenced-off National Christmas Tree — with nary a single Republican congresscritter tearing down the fence while decrying Bill Clinton’s War on Christmas. And the Washington Post also has a photo of tourists leaving the Lincoln Memorial as it was being closed down on November 14. So, yeah, Daily Caller — utterly unprecedented.** At least they didn’t argue that Clinton never closed the World War II memorial in 1995-96.*** Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Slog Through The Slushpile…
  hypocrisy tornado

Senate Approves Sandy Relief, Senate Still Littered With Bastards

The United States Senate voted last night to approve $60 billion in relief for communities affected by Hurricane Sandy — money that was evidently counted by hand, because Hurricane Sandy was three stinking months ago. The vote passed with 62 votes, which is nice because the money can finally go out, but we cannot forget that this means 38 members did not vote for it, and that is where the juicy business is! They are all Republicans, obviously, and presumably voted against it because we have a HUGE SPENDING CRISIS, and whenever there is a chance to get credit for voting against spending, they will take it. They probably vote against specialized federal spending like this every time it comes up, right? Not just when they can cast a safe, meaningless ‘no’ vote and it doesn’t affect them? Prepare to be startled, Internet Folk: Many of the senators who voted against Sandy relief love government relief, so long as it is not going to atheist New York Jew abortionists. Read more on Senate Approves Sandy Relief, Senate Still Littered With Bastards…
  halliburton's got you covered

Mitt Romney, With A Week To Think About It: Only A Crazy Person Would Try To Privatize FEMA!

His Lord High Hairgel Mittens of Romney, having had a week to formulate an answer to a rather pertinent question that stupid “reporters” just would not stop asking him, has finally decided what his stance on FEMA is. Are you ready to guess? Here are your options: He is for it; he is against it; he is both for and against it. OK, are you ready to test your Romney IQ? Read more on Mitt Romney, With A Week To Think About It: Only A Crazy Person Would Try To Privatize FEMA!…
  Department of Strategic Asshattery

Michael Brown On Sandy: Why The Big Hurry? It’s Only A Hurricane, Not Benghazi

Yes, yes, we know: this story, like so much hurricane wreckage, is starting to grow mold already. But let’s pause a moment to give incompetent former FEMA director Michael Brown his due: with his insanely stupid suggestion that the Obama administration was responding too quickly to Hurricane Sandy, he pulled off a fairly adroit bit of political jujitsu. By saying something so comically dickish and painfully ironic that no media outlet could possibly resist “poking the fun” at it, he got the chance to advance the right’s maliciously dickish narrative about Obama’s supposed mishandling of the attack on the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi. Read more on Michael Brown On Sandy: Why The Big Hurry? It’s Only A Hurricane, Not Benghazi…