Tag Archives: federal reserve

  impeach

Unemployment Rate Falls To 7 Percent, Proving We Must Repeal Obamacare

Folks, it’s time to face facts. Obama’s plan to destroy the economy has failed. We had high hopes after the first 14 months of Obama’s first term, as we reveled in the negative jobs numbers that kept rolling in month after month like an ever-rising tide of sorrow. “Good,” we said to Satan, who is our best friend with whom we love to drink blood and other taboo fluids, “Now all we have to do is sit back and wait for Obamacare to finish the job! And if that fails, why, maybe we can hand out some more poisoned money to GM and the big banks! Ha! Ha!” Well, so much for that. The Bureau of Labor Statistics just released the jobs report for November, and it’s bleak. 203,000 new jobs. The lowest unemployment rate (7%)  since December 2008. That makes 45 straight months of job growth, and this time they’re not even all at McWal-Burger Hospice Warehouse: The only sectors that declined were information (-1,000) and financial (-3,000). Not only are we adding jobs, but the sector most capable of screwing everything up again shrank the most!  Read more on Unemployment Rate Falls To 7 Percent, Proving We Must Repeal Obamacare…
  also the federal reserve killed kennedy

Janet Yellen To Be First Woman To Lead Shadowy Cabal Of Central Bankers, Jews At Insidious ‘Federal’ ‘Reserve’

Here’s some gubmint news that has NOTHING to do with the SHUTDOWN SLIMDOWN!!1! Breaking the unwritten rule that during a shutdown all news must be related to how the opposition is ruining America, Our Guiding Star of Socialist Dictatorship, His Royal Supreme Lordship Barack H. Obama, has put forth a nominee to be the next Chair of the Federal Reserve! We know you can barely contain your excitement — we honestly peed ourselves a little. Per The Hill: President Obama nominated Janet Yellen as the next chairman of the Federal Reserve Wednesday. Huh… Janet is a funny name for a guy. Waaaaiiiiitttt a second – OBAMA NOMINATED A CHICK!! He does realize that this is, like, a banking/finance job, right? Well, let’s see how the GOP will somehow use this as the next front in their War on Womyn.  Read more on Janet Yellen To Be First Woman To Lead Shadowy Cabal Of Central Bankers, Jews At Insidious ‘Federal’ ‘Reserve’…
  wonksplainer

Michele Bachmann Is Either Crazy Stupid Or Stupid Crazy Or Both

We sure will miss Michele Bachmann, Empress of Crazytown, when she leaves the House of Representatives to more intimately torture the people of Minnesota on a daily basis. But until she leaves, she is determined to utter every nonsensical thing possible, in hopes of making the life of Yr Wonkette all that much better. Today’s topic is the U.S. Treasury, and how it is filled with lying liars who lie to the American people, and that gives Bachmann a giant sad, according to The Hill: Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) on Wednesday night said the Treasury Department is lying to Americans about the size of the federal debt since it has not changed significantly for the last few months even though the government continues to borrow. “That would be called a lie in our house. That is not acceptable to my husband and I. You don’t lie to us,” Bachmann said on the House floor. That’s right, Treasury – you do not lie to the Bachmanns. She will totally put you over her lap and spank you. She will spank you real hard. You’ve been a bad bad department, haven’t you? She will spank you sooo good, Treasury baby, just like you like it until you scream out words like “debt ceiling,” “TARP,” “bailout,” and “trillion dollar coin.” Just remember that the safe word is “Bachmann 2016.” Let’s sexplore some more.  Read more on Michele Bachmann Is Either Crazy Stupid Or Stupid Crazy Or Both…
  haaaaaaaa

Federal Reserve Thought Housing Crisis Was Funny in 2006

The transcripts for the Federal Reserve’s 2006 meetings were released this week, and with them comes the news that the people in charge thought that the housing crisis was pretty hilarious at the time, and that the biggest problem facing the economy was inflation. That is to say, that the economy was growing too damn fast! And maybe there was slight cause for concern, things that are too good to be true being not usually true and all that. Even so, Timothy Geithner, then the president of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York and now Secretary of the Treasury, thought in December 2006, mere months before the subprime mortgage crisis hit, that “the fundamentals of the expansion going forward still look good.” Read more on Federal Reserve Thought Housing Crisis Was Funny in 2006…
  our flourishing economy

Republican Thugs Warn Ben Bernanke Not To Try To Fix Economy

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke with his unenviable job of trying to save the crumbling American economy with interest rate tweaks is sort of like a firefighter standing before a Texas wildfire who gets to shoot at it with a water pistol while everyone yells at him about the size and type of his water pistol. The GOP leadership, on the other hand, is more like a different firefighter who stands a little further away and fires torpedoes into the blaze in the hopes that he will be elected winner of the smoldering remains after his colleagues have been burned alive. To that end, top Republican Senate and House leaders sent a strongly-worded letter to Bernanke Tuesday warning him to leave off his latest plan to stimulate the economy, because it has a near-zero chance of making everything slightly less terrible that still rhetorically counts for more than “doing nothing, screw everybody,” as the GOP strategic plan outlines. Read more on Republican Thugs Warn Ben Bernanke Not To Try To Fix Economy…
  happy gay/lesbian month!

Virginia Confederacy Annoyed By Gay Flag At Richmond Federal Reserve

Deep in the confederate stronghold of Richmond, Virginia, there’s something mighty queer afoot: The Federal Reserve building in Richmond has a homosexual rainbow flag fluttering beneath the American flag. Why? Apparently it’s National Gay and Lesbian and BLT Month, and if President Obama wasn’t already minority enough, he is also promoting this celebration of the degenerate “gay lifestyle.” If that rainbow flag continues flying all month, as planned, up to 47% of straight white Virginians might “turn gay” just by being exposed to the colorful banner. Read more on Virginia Confederacy Annoyed By Gay Flag At Richmond Federal Reserve…
  cowpoked

Federal Reserve Forces Official Bank of Jesus To Cancel Christmas

A small-town bank in Oklahoma is under siege by governmental secularizing forces this holiday season, as the Federal Reserve is very jealous of their impressive Jesus-themed bank and wants to ruin it for everyone. According to a local teevee news station website, the Fed comes ’round every four years with a list of regulations to make sure banks are not just stealing their customers’ money or whatever, one of which prohibits discriminatory preference for the religion of some customers over others. Well, guilty as charged, you big meanies, as this awesome bank was totally decked out in Jesus branding all year long; don’t worry, though: Congress is going to stand up for them. Read more on Federal Reserve Forces Official Bank of Jesus To Cancel Christmas…
  our fragile nation

Fed Prints $110 Billion Worth of Screwy Hundred Dollar Bills

America’s fancy new hundred dollar bills are apparently so hard to actually print that the Federal Reserve has quarantined more than a billion of the new Benjamins within “special vaults” in Fort Worth and D.C. The screwed-up moneys are the first to feature the signature of Timothy Geithner, so they’re already morally worthless, but that’s actually true of all American cash. And because nobody knows what’s wrong with the new hundreds, the government says it would take up to thirty years for people (government employees) to go through the stacks of bills and try to stuff as many as possible into their butts take out the bad ones. Read more on Fed Prints $110 Billion Worth of Screwy Hundred Dollar Bills…
  ducktales

Ron Paul Wants To Know How Much Gold the U.S. Has RIGHT NOW

Ron Paul, like a grizzled cartoon prospector, is constantly jumping up and down and shrieking about gold. Now he needs to know how much of it the U.S. has IN ITS POSSESSION right NOW. How worried is he? He “believes it’s ‘a possibility’ that there might not actually be any gold in the vaults of Fort Knox or the New York Federal Reserve bank.” Our financial institutions are filled with fake gold! That giant boulder is going to start rolling after us as soon as Ron Paul finds out the gold is fake. Read more on Ron Paul Wants To Know How Much Gold the U.S. Has RIGHT NOW…
  turning japanese

Bernanke Fears Mean Politicians Will Make Him Do Stuff He Already Did

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke flew to Japan this week for a tour of that nation’s various soiled-panties-dispensing vending machines, but he needed to do something “work-related” so he could deduct the tickets on his taxes, so he ended up stopping by a Tokyo conference on “the future of central banking” and gave a few off-the-cuff remarks to the finance nerds who were partying there. It turns out that Bernanke has some Very Serious Thoughts about why central bankers like himself ought to be able to stone cold set interest rates how they like, rather than having pesky politicians tell them what to do. What nightmare scenario does he envision, in a world where a central banker’s only job is to set the giant FEDERAL FUNDS RATE lever to the number the chair of the House Banking Committee dictates? Read more on Bernanke Fears Mean Politicians Will Make Him Do Stuff He Already Did…
  ben bernanke should buy a gun

HOW WILL THE FED SURVIVE? Bernie Sanders’ amendment to the financial regulatory reform bill which would allow for a one-time GAO audit of the Federal Reserve’s lending practices during the financial crisis (GIVE IT ALL AWAY -10,000% INTEREST!) has passed the Senate, 96-0. It is a much weaker audit bill than the Ron Paul-Alan Grayson audit bill that’s already passed the House, which would allow Ron Paul to wander around the Federal Reserve on a scavenger hunt for seven secret vials of Dragon Blood that the Internet says are there. [NYT] Read more on …
  these are always productive

Bank-Owned Senators Will Yell At Bank-Owned Bernanke Today

This morning’s theatrical populist pretend-fest is already underway in the Senate, where Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke is facing his first reconfirmation hearing before very very angry Republicans and Democrats, who have all sorts of “ideas” for the Fed in the future. Read more on Bank-Owned Senators Will Yell At Bank-Owned Bernanke Today…
  helicopter ben

Obama To Ruin Boring Martha’s Vineyard Vacation With Re-Appointment of Ben Bernanke

Have you ever had a holiday vacation on Martha’s Vineyard? So boring! Once you get over the “Ah and there’s where Ted Kennedy crashed his car and drowned that lady” historical thing — sorry, Denby! — you realize it’s just a place full of crappy tourist shops and terrible humid boiling weather and a bunch of ugly gated beach mansions surrounded by swamps, bogs and discarded “lobster rolls.” How to jazz it up? Barack Obama decided to go on the teevee to announce what everybody already knew he was doing: giving Ben Bernanke another term. Read more on Obama To Ruin Boring Martha’s Vineyard Vacation With Re-Appointment of Ben Bernanke…
  new study proves it

Americans Who’ve Heard of ‘The Fed’ Don’t Like It, Because of … Communists?

Hey, a new survey about things people don’t know: Gallup asked some random selection of Americans who haven’t had their phones shut off to rate nine major federal agencies they may or may not have heard about, on the AM radio. The results are … bad news for, let’s see, Ben Bernanke? Sure! Read more on Americans Who’ve Heard of ‘The Fed’ Don’t Like It, Because of … Communists?…
  you know like 'money'

Meanwhile, An Update From The Whatsitcalled… Economies!

Barack Obama ate a hamburger… Sarah Palin got a gun… torture, they’re still going on about that… Sean Hannity is insane… what else today? Oh right, the thing, the thing where goods and services are bought and sold and jobs and money and stuff! Ben Bernanke said optimistic things about it today, albeit with a tragically ambiguous, stinging back: “Federal Reserve Chairman Ben S. Bernanke said today that the nation’s rate of economic contraction may be slowing and that he expects growth to resume later this year, but he also suggested that the economy could perform well below its potential for years to come.” What is this nonsense about the American economy having “potential”? Like building GREEN CARS and shit? [Washington Post] Read more on Meanwhile, An Update From The Whatsitcalled… Economies!…
  we are doomed

Liveblogging Obama’s Latest Economy-Bummer Speech

Whoops you must keep an eye on this frisky new Preznet of ours, because every time you turn your back on him he’s sneaking off to deliver another speech on the economy. So we come to this one in medias res, because that makes it more exciting and suspenseful. Read more on Liveblogging Obama’s Latest Economy-Bummer Speech…
  oh this should work out well

Fed Slashes U.S. Interest Rate To Basically Zero

Wasn’t the Fed supposed to cut rates in half today, from 1 percent to 0.5 percent? Well, that wasn’t good enough, for this failed economy and economic system. So now it’s “near zero,” which means “zero.” Just like Japan tried for years and years, to no effect! The Federal Reserve Bank is now out of “traditional ammunition,” according to almost-president Barack Obama, and your government is now printing money at an insane pace, and then banks are taking this money and immediately buying U.S. Treasury bonds, because nothing else is safe, and that is pretty much the end of this particular feedback loop. Read more on Fed Slashes U.S. Interest Rate To Basically Zero…
  our flourishing economy

Deflation Kicks In As Americans Become Actively Scared Of Economy

The Federal Reserve this afternoon is expected to cut the fed funds rate from 1% to .5%, a modern record. The government is printing more money than you can shake a stick at, all night, every night, to give to financial companies. This should be an incredibly sexy time to make LOANS. Overnight loans, car loans, Truck Nutz loans, who cares, loans loans loans, free money! The only problem is that we’ve developed a terrorist’s mindset in which the American economy, as a whole, has become the enemy. Read more on Deflation Kicks In As Americans Become Actively Scared Of Economy…
  beardy mcmoneyfarts

People Are So Mean To Poor Old Ben Bernanke

Keeping accord with weekly tradition, Wonkette channeled its insomnia at 4:30 a.m. this Monday morning to a week-old version of the New Yorker magazine, online, so as to scan for a “politics article.” There was a Ben Bernanke profile, which is EXACTLY what we asked our parents to get us for Christmas, at Best Buy. Jesus Christ, it is a long one though. Shorter than, say, Billy Budd, but easily twice as long as Bartleby. Anyway, Bernanke’s friends suck: “Bernanke was frustrated by the attacks on his policies, especially when they came from academics whose work he respected. If he moved slowly, people on Wall Street accused him of timidity. If he brought rates down sharply, academic economists accused him of going soft on inflation.” Aww shucks. [New Yorker] Read more on People Are So Mean To Poor Old Ben Bernanke…
  our greatest leaders

Bernanke Decides That Entire Economy Is Worth Saving

Money-printing liquidity trapper Ben Bernanke has been a Local Loser in recent months after rapidly cutting the federal funds rate to negative 1,000% to no effect whatsoever, except national embarrassment. He’s had to print Master Paulson’s money, alone, every night, as punishment. He is not allowed to shave. But as Paulson and his flack Neel “Chump” Kashkari refuse to do anything right, Bernanke’s had enough and he’s just going to sing it from the rooftops of America! Today, in a big speech, he declared that the “government must step up efforts to prevent home foreclosures, with options including buying delinquent mortgages and providing bigger incentives for refinancing loans.” Meanwhile, back in their lair, Paulson and Kashkari are discussing what evil they must next bring to the global economy. Read more on Bernanke Decides That Entire Economy Is Worth Saving…
  dinguses

Alan Greenspan Admits Minor Fault To Congress!

So here are three major factors that contributed to our country’s world’s current financial misfortunes: prolonged periods of historically low interest rates (even negative real interest rates), the complete deregulation of such derivatives as credit default swaps, and encouragement from Washington that the inflated housing boom was nothing to worry about. It’s rare that you can pin so many large factors on one person, but, well, former Fed chief Alan Greenspan set the low interest rates, led the pressure on Congress to keep derivatives markets wholly deregulated, and was the voice from Washington that said everything was fine. Read more on Alan Greenspan Admits Minor Fault To Congress!…
  wall street massacre

Liveblogging President Bush’s Exciting State-Of-The-Market Press Conference!

Oh, so our president is giving a press conference, talkin’ about the economies and offshore drilling and such? It’s a slowish news day, so we might as well liveblog this dealy. Fix yourself a triple Wonkettini and join us after the jump for whatever jokes we can muster about the limp Dow, and smacking Fannie into a state of renewed arousal. Read more on Liveblogging President Bush’s Exciting State-Of-The-Market Press Conference!…