It’s a scene we all know so well in DC, if we’re kind of rich: Everyone’s finishing their grilled steaks on the patio behind the pleasant Capitol Hill rowhouse and having another glass of $75 Bordeaux and then a hooded hoodlum slips into the backyard and presses the barrel of his gun against a 14-year-old girl’s head. MORE »

God (D-Outer Space) had a special message for America on July 4: He hates you all. From coast to coast, the Lord sent his plagues down upon ye, ruining everything from that stupid A Capitol Fourth concert to simple backyard barbecues. His hate was, as always, limitless in scope and awesome in power. MORE »