Wonkette

Hillary Clinton’s reverent homage to the cult film genre known as “red phone ads” may pay off big with cinema buffs in Texas. Or it may backfire horribly and leave Texas, and by extension the world, with a President Barack Obama who thinks he can speechify terrorism out of existence. Which will it be? MORE »

Commenter norbizness shares this creepy ad in which some sort of menacing night prowler (you, the viewer) goes into a house full of sleeping innocent children and gazes longingly at them while a phone rings. Who do you want looking over your orphanage of adorable tots? Hillary Clinton, of course, because she will be happy to pick up the phone at 3am! She was up anyway, eating a bag of Corn Nuts and polishing off a bottle of merlot while weeping quietly to reruns of What Not to Wear. [YouTube] MORE »

Only seven years after terrorists didn’t hijack passenger trains, Amtrak is finally getting the post-9/11 security it so desperately needs to continue pointlessly delaying trains and ruining the lives of Americans who stupidly rely upon the industrialized world’s lamest national rail service. MORE »

Continuing our day of paranoia and horror and terror, the ABC News Washington bureau has been evacuated because somebody found some OMFG NOT THE ANTHRAX CRAP AGAIN! MORE »

Let’s meet the new head of the Arkansas GOP, Dennis Milligan:

“At the end of the day, I believe fully the president is doing the right thing, and I think all we need is some attacks on American soil like we had on [Sept. 11, 2001 ], and the naysayers will come around very quickly to appreciate not only the commitment for President Bush, but the sacrifice that has been made by men and women to protect this country,” Milligan said.

Finally, a Republican leader honest enough to say in public what the polls have long proved: Bush was only “popular” immediately after Cheney the mighty Kingdom of Islamo-Fascism blew up the World Trade Center. But with the Democrat front-runners vowing to personally kill every single Muslim, how will we have more Islamo-Fascism attacks? This is exactly the kind of “Bush Derangement Syndrome” that is crushing America’s chances for endless 9/11s! MORE »

After 10 weird and ultimately pathetic years, UK Prime Minister Tony Blair is stepping down. Like his role model, Mick Jagger, Blair is the ultimate sellout and opportunist. He never even cared about which party he might join — only that he would somehow become prime minister. This explains how he was Bill Clinton’s “Third Way” BFF until George W. Bush squirmed into the White House, at which point Blair immediately turned into dingbat neocon.

Let’s give Tony a nice big “Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish,” after the jump.

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Comedy routines once again became reality today when a California company agreed to pay a $5 million fine for employing illegal aliens to build the border fence between San Diego and Tijuana. MORE »

If we remember this whole 9/11 thing correctly, a bunch of privileged Saudis with U.S. Embassy ties led by a stripper-loving hard-partying Egyptian playboy bought first-class plane tickets with money from Pakistan’s secret service and crashed passenger jets into the WTC, the Pentagon and a field in Pennsylvania. MORE »

Like Peggy Noonan and several Pennsylvanians, we’re sorry to see Rick Santorum leave the Senate. (He’ll be back in town in a few weeks, as a lobbyist for Jesus, Inc.) Today he delivered his final piece of … oratory, yes, that’s what they call it. Let’s take a quick trip to Fearville, where Rick’s actually killing terrorists in Yemen or something, and Exxon’s directors want to kill us out of pure hate: MORE »

Terrorists struck the Lincoln Memorial today with a semi-literate hand-scrawled note and various half-consumed consumer beverages. MORE »

For the first time since he was caught “human hunting” in February, Dick Cheney is taking a hunting trip. MORE »

In this October 20 speech to rally the faithful, Karl Rove screws up and says 9/11 happened in November — which we all know is utterly impossible … unless this was Europe, where 9.11 means “November 9.” MORE »

Cheney-enabling fearmonger Stephen Hayes will take some time off from writing White House propaganda for the Weekly Standard to write Dick Cheney’s “biography,” according to U.S. News & World Report.

Cheney’s bio will presumably be as full of VP propaganda and disinformation as another Hayes’ book, “The Connection: How al Qaeda’s Collaboration with Saddam Hussein Has Endangered America.”

The relationship works like this: Cheney releases “intelligence” to a friendly coconspirator, said coconspirator types it up for the Standard or WSJ or (in Judith’s case) the New York Times, and Cheney then quotes the article in question as justification for whatever batshit evil scheme he’s currently cooking up.

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Mary Maxwell, who’s running for New Hampshire’s second congressional seat, says the federal government is to blame for the Sept. 11 attacks.

In an editorial board interview with The Telegraph on Wednesday, the candidate, Mary Maxwell, said the U.S. government had a role in killing nearly 3,000 people at the World Trade Center and Pentagon, so it could make Americans hate Arabs and allow the military to bomb Muslim nations such as Iraq.

She can probably rule out getting any campaign help from Bush or Cheney. But her fellow citizens seem to prefer her version of the conspiracy over Slate’s crappy cartoon version! MORE »