Not since the Grinch stole Jesus’ Birthday from the tiny hydrocephalic aliens of Whoville has a figure of evil so blatantly tried to fuck a precious holiday to death: Barack Obama wants to make September 11 some kind of evil, patriotic day of remembering the terrorist attacks by doing something for America. It is exactly like he individually piloted all of those jets into those buildings, and knocked them down! MORE »

Good christ but this guy is a terrifying shit-monster — a leering death clown who is supposed to go away, but cannot, because he is the world’s biggest asshole. Thanks, Dick Cheney, for reminding us how to hate again. Here are the main lies from his foul hymn to Satan today. [Talking Points Memo]

A big “thank you” to the Republican party for picking this “new” political strategy, “Democrats Are Still Gay For Terrorists,” after they got bored with economics. Now we will have classic 9/11 fearmongering comedy videos all the time once again. MORE »

Famous talky-mouth Joe Biden is always plotting against us, except for part of this week when he was a Hero for talking so much to Arlen Specter that Specter had enough and said, “Okay, Jesus fucking Christ, Joe, whatever, I’ll be a Democrat. I’ll be a fucking Scientologist Mel-Gibson Catholic Turkish Imam if that’s what it takes for you to shut up.” And then we, as a nation, said, “Well Biden is good for something after all.” But then he spoke today, about something else — PIG DEATH FLU PANDEMICS — and now the travel industry wants him to apologize and then die. MORE »

Snarling cocksack Dick Cheney was finally wheeled into a pool of sharks, right? Nah, he’s still around, still threatening America. Right-wing propaganda outlet The Politico caught up with the monster at the offices they share in Virginia, and Cheney promised that somehow, even removed from his terror lair beneath the Naval Observatory, he will nuke America. He will kill you. MORE »

Hillary Clinton’s reverent homage to the cult film genre known as “red phone ads” may pay off big with cinema buffs in Texas. Or it may backfire horribly and leave Texas, and by extension the world, with a President Barack Obama who thinks he can speechify terrorism out of existence. Which will it be? MORE »

Commenter norbizness shares this creepy ad in which some sort of menacing night prowler (you, the viewer) goes into a house full of sleeping innocent children and gazes longingly at them while a phone rings. Who do you want looking over your orphanage of adorable tots? Hillary Clinton, of course, because she will be happy to pick up the phone at 3am! She was up anyway, eating a bag of Corn Nuts and polishing off a bottle of merlot while weeping quietly to reruns of What Not to Wear. [YouTube] MORE »

Only seven years after terrorists didn’t hijack passenger trains, Amtrak is finally getting the post-9/11 security it so desperately needs to continue pointlessly delaying trains and ruining the lives of Americans who stupidly rely upon the industrialized world’s lamest national rail service. MORE »

Continuing our day of paranoia and horror and terror, the ABC News Washington bureau has been evacuated because somebody found some OMFG NOT THE ANTHRAX CRAP AGAIN! MORE »

Let’s meet the new head of the Arkansas GOP, Dennis Milligan:

“At the end of the day, I believe fully the president is doing the right thing, and I think all we need is some attacks on American soil like we had on [Sept. 11, 2001 ], and the naysayers will come around very quickly to appreciate not only the commitment for President Bush, but the sacrifice that has been made by men and women to protect this country,” Milligan said.

Finally, a Republican leader honest enough to say in public what the polls have long proved: Bush was only “popular” immediately after Cheney the mighty Kingdom of Islamo-Fascism blew up the World Trade Center. But with the Democrat front-runners vowing to personally kill every single Muslim, how will we have more Islamo-Fascism attacks? This is exactly the kind of “Bush Derangement Syndrome” that is crushing America’s chances for endless 9/11s! MORE »

After 10 weird and ultimately pathetic years, UK Prime Minister Tony Blair is stepping down. Like his role model, Mick Jagger, Blair is the ultimate sellout and opportunist. He never even cared about which party he might join — only that he would somehow become prime minister. This explains how he was Bill Clinton’s “Third Way” BFF until George W. Bush squirmed into the White House, at which point Blair immediately turned into dingbat neocon.

Let’s give Tony a nice big “Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish,” after the jump.

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