Tag Archives: fear-mongering

 

Triumph of the Will: Death Star III

The ominous figure in black is, obviously, Dick Cheney. He’s explaining that there will be no escaping for the rebels this time. As he departed in his shuttle, Cheney thundered to the base commander, “Don’t fail me again, Admiral.” Then he flew to a ship in the Persian Gulf and personally threatened to bomb Iran. Seriously, this is what he did next. Read more on Triumph of the Will: Death Star III…
 

Secret Service Agents Shoot Each Other At White House

Hey everybody, maybe relax and put down the guns for the afternoon? We’re all a little tense but it’s not really helping America Heal ™ when Secret Service guys are shooting each other outside the White House … um, excuse us, we mean “in a security booth at the southwest gate.” Read more on Secret Service Agents Shoot Each Other At White House…
 

Horse Stuck In Mud, NEVER FORGET!

Our nation’s readiness and resolve was again put to the test, just moments ago, when a horse got stuck in the mud somewhere. Remember to duct tape your doors and windows … and keep an eye out for potential Arabs. Read more on Horse Stuck In Mud, NEVER FORGET!…
 

Bill Richardson Threatens ‘Nuclear 9/11′ & Al Gore’s Life

You’re not a serious candidate until you start crazy fear-mongering so idiots voters know you’re Tough On Terrorism. That’s why a somewhat likable like Bill Richardson had to ramp up his campaign today by threatening Americans with a “nuclear 9/11.” Read more on Bill Richardson Threatens ‘Nuclear 9/11′ & Al Gore’s Life…
 

Lieberman & Chertoff Will Bravely Destroy Internet

Undead incompetent Michael Chertoff and vile jackoff Joe Lieberman have boldly joined forces to blow up the Internet — you know, because it’s very likely a sneaky Islamo-Nazi-Grinch will climb through the Series of Tubes and force a burqa over your daughter’s fat ass and then fly an avatar through John Edwards’ virtual headquarters in Second Life. Get cyber-terrified so we can finally shut down this dangerous Internet, after the jump. Read more on Lieberman & Chertoff Will Bravely Destroy Internet…
 

Nobody Right-Wing Senator Endorses Rudy’s War On Fetuses

Rudy Giuliani wants to be president so he can take away the guns of gay fetuses before aborting the little ones, and a “social conservative” senator has decided to endorse Rudy’s bold campaign. Sadly, nobody has ever heard of the “family values” senator, who was recently sworn in as the senator from … we don’t know, actually. Guam? Let’s hunt for clues, after the jump. Read more on Nobody Right-Wing Senator Endorses Rudy’s War On Fetuses…
 

Terror Porn Fantasy Puts WALNUTS! McCain In the White House

America is addicted to pornography: Terror Pornography. From Kiefer’s endless torture of the nuclear-armed Islamo-Nazis to NEVER FORGET billboards, illiterate snuff essays by unknown bloggers to, uhm, the Washingtonian, nothing thrills like the fantasy of Muslims blowing up some unloved yet well-known U.S. city architecture. Join us after the jump for the terror fantasy that could make WALNUTS! our best-ever pretend maverick president for life, after the jump. Read more on Terror Porn Fantasy Puts WALNUTS! McCain In the White House…
 

Bush Wants To Make Romance In Bin Laden’s Butt

Osama bin Laden is rumored to be a “rogue” CIA asset who helped defeat the Soviets in Afghanistan and topple the Red Communist Menace and make America the greatest country in the world, so it’s no surprise that George W. Bush says he wants to make sweet man love to the terror bogeyman. President’s Day ass-fucking details, after the jump. Read more on Bush Wants To Make Romance In Bin Laden’s Butt…
 

Superhero Makes Sure Kids Stay In School

Since we live in a nation that saw a major city brought to its knees by Lite Brites, it should come as no surprise that even known crimefighters are being mistaken for nefarious terrorist criminals. Read more on Superhero Makes Sure Kids Stay In School…
 

Al Qaeda: Bush Is a Dumb Drunky Drunk Liar!

Internet video star Ayman al Zawahiri has appeared in many popular Al Qaeda messages that are only released in the middle of the night on unknown “websites” and then provided to U.S. TV news producers in the morning by “American terror analysts.” It happened again while you slept, and this time Zawahiri’s just reading old Air America transcripts. Bush is “an alcoholic, liar and gambler with an addictive personality,” says the terror bogeyman turned self-help guru. Read more on Al Qaeda: Bush Is a Dumb Drunky Drunk Liar!…
 

When Obama’s President, We’re Bombing Australia

Aussie prime minister John Howard isn’t falling for that Iran stuff — he knows the actual leader of the Iraqi insurgency is Barack Obama. The Australian cretin chose the day after Obama’s announcement to make the asinine comments on TV. “If I was running al-Qaeda in Iraq, I would put a circle around March 2008 and pray, as many times as possible, for a victory not only for Obama, but also for the Democrats,” said the mouth-breathing prime minister. Yes, keep drawing circles around “March 2008″ and we’ll go ahead and have our election in November. Join us for crayons and calendars, after the jump. Read more on When Obama’s President, We’re Bombing Australia…
 

Stewardess Unravels Awful Gov’t Terror Conspiracy

A brave stewardess has been trying to expose a terrible terrorist jet-toilet conspiracy, but airline pilots, TSA air marshals and federal law enforcement agents just laugh at her crusade. It all started when she was tidying up the bathroom in the coach section of a 757 flying across the country in February 2005 — and if you believe a stewardess would actually clean up the filthy coach lavatory en route, you’ll likely believe the rest of this weirdo story. All is revealed, after the jump. Read more on Stewardess Unravels Awful Gov’t Terror Conspiracy…
 

Judy Miller: Mossad Torture Agent

Is there any evil shit that doesn’t feature a performance by Judith Miller? Anthrax attacks that coincide with her book release, jailhouse visits from Scooter Libby, advance knowledge of 9/11, giving Chalabi a running front-page space in the NYT … is she old enough to blame for Pearl Harbor, too? (Close enough –Ed.) There was another pathetic defeat in the American War On Terror last week, when Patrick Fitzgerald’s convictions of a former Harvard professor and a Chicago grocer were overturned by a federal jury. The men could’ve been sentenced to life in prison for collecting money for Palestinian charities (you know, terrorism!) but will likely avoid jail altogether. Learn how Judy Miller testified on behalf of … Mossad, after the jump. Read more on Judy Miller: Mossad Torture Agent…
 

America’s New Enemy Has Dreads, Watches Cartoons

Thank our American God the law is coming down hard on these two terrorists. The men were hired by the “Time Warner” company to leave little cartoon things around Boston, which caused a complete shutdown of the once proud city. Other sinister men left the same comical things all over other, smarter U.S. cities … weeks ago … where they went unnoticed. Meet the new face of evil, after the jump. Read more on America’s New Enemy Has Dreads, Watches Cartoons…
 

Ted Stevens’ Wife Always Plotting Against Us

Sure, we may be living in a police state where some 350,000 people are on a “no fly list” for reasons they aren’t allowed to know, but at least we can laugh at the plight of Catherine Stevens. Read more on Ted Stevens’ Wife Always Plotting Against Us…
 

So We’ve Lost the ‘War On Terror,’ Too?

These people …. Here’s the executive summary of the White House plan for Iraq: The Consequences Of Failure In Iraq Could Not Be Graver — The War On Terror Cannot Be Won If We Fail In Iraq. Our enemies throughout the Middle East are trying to defeat us in Iraq. If we step back now, the problems in Iraq will become more lethal, and make our troops fight an uglier battle than we are seeing today. First, how wonderful that the White House is announcing a plan tonight for a war they started four years ago. Second, we’ve got the whole stupid White House document, after the jump. Come on in, glance over the thing until your eyes get heavy — it takes about two minutes — and then go to dinner and don’t bother watching the speech, because it’s all here except for the nervous rat eyes, comical mispronunciations and telling malaprops. Read more on So We’ve Lost the ‘War On Terror,’ Too?…