Nothing says “America” like “Tony Danza.” The dumb, talentless star of “Joanie Loves Chachi” is the big attraction at tomorrow’s A Capitol Fourth thing. MORE »

Did you miss the vacation experience of a lifetime? You know, the National Review luxury cruise featuring leading neoconservative opinion writers who know the real story about why your daughter will be speaking Spanish while having her abortions under that burqa? Worry not, because UK journalist Johann Hari took the terrible trip and documented it for the New Republic.

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We are pretty close to giving super-billionaire Michael Bloomberg one of our coveted Wonkette Presidential Endorsements because he basically just called all the candidates a bunch of fear-mongering wusses. MORE »

The ominous figure in black is, obviously, Dick Cheney. MORE »

Hey everybody, maybe relax and put down the guns for the afternoon? We’re all a little tense but it’s not really helping America Heal ™ when Secret Service guys are shooting each other outside the White House … um, excuse us, we mean “in a security booth at the southwest gate.” MORE »

Our nation’s readiness and resolve was again put to the test, just moments ago, when a horse got stuck in the mud somewhere. Remember to duct tape your doors and windows … and keep an eye out for potential Arabs.

You’re not a serious candidate until you start crazy fear-mongering so idiots voters know you’re Tough On Terrorism. That’s why a somewhat likable like Bill Richardson had to ramp up his campaign today by threatening Americans with a “nuclear 9/11.” MORE »

Undead incompetent Michael Chertoff and vile jackoff Joe Lieberman have boldly joined forces to blow up the Internet — you know, because it’s very likely a sneaky Islamo-Nazi-Grinch will climb through the Series of Tubes and force a burqa over your daughter’s fat ass and then fly an avatar through John Edwards’ virtual headquarters in Second Life.

Get cyber-terrified so we can finally shut down this dangerous Internet, after the jump.

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Rudy Giuliani wants to be president so he can take away the guns of gay fetuses before aborting the little ones, and a “social conservative” senator has decided to endorse Rudy’s bold campaign. Sadly, nobody has ever heard of the “family values” senator, who was recently sworn in as the senator from … we don’t know, actually. Guam?

Let’s hunt for clues, after the jump.

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America is addicted to pornography: Terror Pornography. From Kiefer’s endless torture of the nuclear-armed Islamo-Nazis to NEVER FORGET billboards, illiterate snuff essays by unknown bloggers to, uhm, the Washingtonian, nothing thrills like the fantasy of Muslims blowing up some unloved yet well-known U.S. city architecture.

Join us after the jump for the terror fantasy that could make WALNUTS! our best-ever pretend maverick president for life, after the jump.

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Osama bin Laden is rumored to be a “rogue” CIA asset who helped defeat the Soviets in Afghanistan and topple the Red Communist Menace and make America the greatest country in the world, so it’s no surprise that George W. Bush says he wants to make sweet man love to the terror bogeyman.

President’s Day ass-fucking details, after the jump.

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