Wonkette

Republican loser Rick Santorum has a message for America: He has inside knowledge of GOP “terror attacks” that will terrify Americans into voting for whatever abortionist Republican candidate survives the primaries. The two-term senator told some terror-crazed talk-radio show that the 2008 campaign will bring certain surprises for those expecting some Democrat to flush the White House of Cheney’s Crooks. MORE »

Nothing says “America” like “Tony Danza.” The dumb, talentless star of “Joanie Loves Chachi” is the big attraction at tomorrow’s A Capitol Fourth thing. MORE »

Did you miss the vacation experience of a lifetime? You know, the National Review luxury cruise featuring leading neoconservative opinion writers who know the real story about why your daughter will be speaking Spanish while having her abortions under that burqa? Worry not, because UK journalist Johann Hari took the terrible trip and documented it for the New Republic.

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We are pretty close to giving super-billionaire Michael Bloomberg one of our coveted Wonkette Presidential Endorsements because he basically just called all the candidates a bunch of fear-mongering wusses. MORE »

The ominous figure in black is, obviously, Dick Cheney. MORE »

Hey everybody, maybe relax and put down the guns for the afternoon? We’re all a little tense but it’s not really helping America Heal ™ when Secret Service guys are shooting each other outside the White House … um, excuse us, we mean “in a security booth at the southwest gate.” MORE »

Our nation’s readiness and resolve was again put to the test, just moments ago, when a horse got stuck in the mud somewhere. Remember to duct tape your doors and windows … and keep an eye out for potential Arabs.

You’re not a serious candidate until you start crazy fear-mongering so idiots voters know you’re Tough On Terrorism. That’s why a somewhat likable like Bill Richardson had to ramp up his campaign today by threatening Americans with a “nuclear 9/11.” MORE »

Undead incompetent Michael Chertoff and vile jackoff Joe Lieberman have boldly joined forces to blow up the Internet — you know, because it’s very likely a sneaky Islamo-Nazi-Grinch will climb through the Series of Tubes and force a burqa over your daughter’s fat ass and then fly an avatar through John Edwards’ virtual headquarters in Second Life.

Get cyber-terrified so we can finally shut down this dangerous Internet, after the jump.

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Rudy Giuliani wants to be president so he can take away the guns of gay fetuses before aborting the little ones, and a “social conservative” senator has decided to endorse Rudy’s bold campaign. Sadly, nobody has ever heard of the “family values” senator, who was recently sworn in as the senator from … we don’t know, actually. Guam?

Let’s hunt for clues, after the jump.

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