Tag Archives: fear-mongering

  We Watch So You Don't Have To

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: There Goes Sarah Knowin’ Stuff About Russia Again

After a content-heavy end to the year, the Sarah Palin Channel has regressed to the mean. She’s posted three videos in the last seven days, one of which was designed as a complement to her Faceplace screed on DogGate. And if we’re being perfectly honest with ourselves, Palin’s video about Jill Hadassah (yes, that is the dog’s actual name) is really cute and does exactly what it’s intended to do. Beware, Wonketeers, for Sarah Palin is improving in her ability to grift across multiple media channels, and she’s doing it with a widdle puppy with a cute widdle puppy face. Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: There Goes Sarah Knowin’ Stuff About Russia Again…
  top ten terrorisms

TEN YEARS OF TERRAH: Let’s look back in Horror at this Decade of Terror, with your editor, because it is time to celebrate our Long National Freakout (which isn’t even close to ending). [The Awl] Read more on …
 

No More Train Hijackings: Amtrak Gets 9/11 Security

Only seven years after terrorists didn’t hijack passenger trains, Amtrak is finally getting the post-9/11 security it so desperately needs to continue pointlessly delaying trains and ruining the lives of Americans who stupidly rely upon the industrialized world’s lamest national rail service. Read more on No More Train Hijackings: Amtrak Gets 9/11 Security…
 

START YOUR TERRORIST PHONE CALLS AGAIN, EVERYBODY! The FBI is broke and can’t afford to eavesdrop on all of our personal calls and instant messages and emails and everything, so let’s get back to that secret terror project to blow up Mars. [AP/Google] Read more on …
 

“Three days after Americans saw the Bush administration’s counterterrorism chief say the Iraq war has likely not made the United States safer from terrorism, the official announced his resignation, citing health reasons.” [ABC Blotter] Read more on …
 

“Chertoff: We’re Preparing for Nuclear Attack.” [NewsMax]
 

CNN: Rudy Giuliani Using 9/11 As Campaign Photo Op

Well sure, you know Rudy just wants to be the Cross-Dressing Dictator of Terror, but for a lot of Americans who are busy struggling to survive or whatever, he’s just that guy who acted vaguely presidential on 9/11 — standing around with a sort of firm expression in the city where he happened to be mayor that day, while the real president was hiding in an airplane like a little girl. So it’s fun to see CNN running stories about whether it’s “appropriate” for Giuliani to even show up at the annual 9/11 terror festival, which is, after all, supposed to be in honor of the people who were killed that day, not to give Rudy a three-point boost in the polls. RUDY GIULIANI FACES 9/11 QUESTIONS [YouTube/CNN] Read more on CNN: Rudy Giuliani Using 9/11 As Campaign Photo Op…
 

Despised, Incompetent Ghoul Is Top Pick For Attorney General

A widely hated cretin is the White House’s top choice for attorney general, experts said today. Michael Chertoff is known for his bizarre threats against America and his tenure at the biggest fucking joke agency in American history, the “department of homeland security.” Despised by Republicans, Democrats and actual humans, Chertoff is just the kind of loathsome creep the Bush Administration is likely to choose to be AG for a few weeks until the whole gang is rounded up and sent to Gitmo. Read more on Despised, Incompetent Ghoul Is Top Pick For Attorney General…
 

Terror Queen Doesn’t Actually Know Anything About Terrorism

Self-proclaimed Terror Queen Rudy Giuliani is, of course, running for President of 9/11. TIME Magazine describes his campaign this way: “He has no foreign policy experience, and he talks about terrorism as if it’s an enemy country on a continent only he knows how to find.” The magazine then spends about a million words describing all the other ways that Giuliani is, in fact, a terrorist. Read more on Terror Queen Doesn’t Actually Know Anything About Terrorism…
 

The Terrorific Stylings of Fascist Terror Lord Rudy G

Well, there won’t be any “news” until after Labor Day, so let’s just spend the next few weeks drinking on the job and watching YouTube clips. It’s better than being outside! Here’s a clip some dude made of Rudy McTerrorism saying “global terrorism” and “September 11″ several million times. We think this makes a real “statement” about “politics,” and we hope you are drinking on the job, too. Rudy Giuliani’s answer to everything [YouTube] Read more on The Terrorific Stylings of Fascist Terror Lord Rudy G…
 

Edwards Offers Dim Hope of Not-So-Awful Future; Rudy Says 9/11 a Million Times

Did you get your new issue of Foreign Affairs? No? Check the recycling pile, because sometimes it ends up in there. Look under the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog, or maybe under the Wall Street Journal. It’s kind of small. There! Now, take a look at the cover and feel your pulse rise, because this issue holds long boring essays by John Edwards and Rudy Giuliani. Read more on Edwards Offers Dim Hope of Not-So-Awful Future; Rudy Says 9/11 a Million Times…
 

Chertoff’s Sphincter Tells Chertoff’s Gut To Calm Down

Gruesome biological freak and Minister of Fear Mongering Michael Chertoff has a new message today that contradicts his earlier message this week, about The Terror coming to kill us all because Terror, like the Beach Boys, loves summertime. Read more on Chertoff’s Sphincter Tells Chertoff’s Gut To Calm Down…
 

Rick Santorum Will Personally Terrorize America

Republican loser Rick Santorum has a message for America: He has inside knowledge of GOP “terror attacks” that will terrify Americans into voting for whatever abortionist Republican candidate survives the primaries. The two-term senator told some terror-crazed talk-radio show that the 2008 campaign will bring certain surprises for those expecting some Democrat to flush the White House of Cheney’s Crooks. Read more on Rick Santorum Will Personally Terrorize America…
 

Crappy Concert, Stupid Events Mark Nation’s Saddest July 4th

Nothing says “America” like “Tony Danza.” The dumb, talentless star of “Joanie Loves Chachi” is the big attraction at tomorrow’s A Capitol Fourth thing. Of course it will be an absolute hassle to get anywhere near The Mall on Wednesday, due to the usual post-9/11 let’s-make-everybody-miserable security bullshit plus the added hysteria of OH MY GOD SOMEBODY DROVE A JEEP INTO THE WALL OF AN AIRPORT, IN SCOTLAND, AND NOBODY WAS KILLED. But for the brave morons who willingly get herded around by a bunch of fat psychopathic Homeland Security Guards in the horrible humid heat for hours until they’re finally pushed to some remote corner of dirt about a mile from the stage, what will be the reward? Read more on Crappy Concert, Stupid Events Mark Nation’s Saddest July 4th…
 

All Aboard the USS Dingbat!

Did you miss the vacation experience of a lifetime? You know, the National Review luxury cruise featuring leading neoconservative opinion writers who know the real story about why your daughter will be speaking Spanish while having her abortions under that burqa? Worry not, because UK journalist Johann Hari took the terrible trip and documented it for the New Republic. Read more on All Aboard the USS Dingbat!…
 

Mike Bloomberg Would Like You Idiots To Get Over Yourselves

We are pretty close to giving super-billionaire Michael Bloomberg one of our coveted Wonkette Presidential Endorsements because he basically just called all the candidates a bunch of fear-mongering wusses. Reporters in New York have been harassing Bloomberg for hysterical comments about those four guys from Puerto Rico or wherever who hoped to destroy America by, er, blowing up a gas tank at JFK Airport. Mikey told them to get a life. Really, he said “Get a life.” Asked whether everybody should freak out about the terrorisms, he said people have a much higher risk of being struck by lightening than hurt by terrorists, and that people should be concerned about actual things that might kill them, such as lung cancer or falling out a window: Read more on Mike Bloomberg Would Like You Idiots To Get Over Yourselves…
 

Triumph of the Will: Death Star III

The ominous figure in black is, obviously, Dick Cheney. He’s explaining that there will be no escaping for the rebels this time. As he departed in his shuttle, Cheney thundered to the base commander, “Don’t fail me again, Admiral.” Then he flew to a ship in the Persian Gulf and personally threatened to bomb Iran. Seriously, this is what he did next. Read more on Triumph of the Will: Death Star III…
 

Secret Service Agents Shoot Each Other At White House

Hey everybody, maybe relax and put down the guns for the afternoon? We’re all a little tense but it’s not really helping America Heal ™ when Secret Service guys are shooting each other outside the White House … um, excuse us, we mean “in a security booth at the southwest gate.” Read more on Secret Service Agents Shoot Each Other At White House…
 

Horse Stuck In Mud, NEVER FORGET!

Our nation’s readiness and resolve was again put to the test, just moments ago, when a horse got stuck in the mud somewhere. Remember to duct tape your doors and windows … and keep an eye out for potential Arabs. Read more on Horse Stuck In Mud, NEVER FORGET!…
 

Bill Richardson Threatens ‘Nuclear 9/11′ & Al Gore’s Life

You’re not a serious candidate until you start crazy fear-mongering so idiots voters know you’re Tough On Terrorism. That’s why a somewhat likable like Bill Richardson had to ramp up his campaign today by threatening Americans with a “nuclear 9/11.” Read more on Bill Richardson Threatens ‘Nuclear 9/11′ & Al Gore’s Life…
 

Lieberman & Chertoff Will Bravely Destroy Internet

Undead incompetent Michael Chertoff and vile jackoff Joe Lieberman have boldly joined forces to blow up the Internet — you know, because it’s very likely a sneaky Islamo-Nazi-Grinch will climb through the Series of Tubes and force a burqa over your daughter’s fat ass and then fly an avatar through John Edwards’ virtual headquarters in Second Life. Get cyber-terrified so we can finally shut down this dangerous Internet, after the jump. Read more on Lieberman & Chertoff Will Bravely Destroy Internet…
 

Nobody Right-Wing Senator Endorses Rudy’s War On Fetuses

Rudy Giuliani wants to be president so he can take away the guns of gay fetuses before aborting the little ones, and a “social conservative” senator has decided to endorse Rudy’s bold campaign. Sadly, nobody has ever heard of the “family values” senator, who was recently sworn in as the senator from … we don’t know, actually. Guam? Let’s hunt for clues, after the jump. Read more on Nobody Right-Wing Senator Endorses Rudy’s War On Fetuses…