Wonkette

Only seven years after terrorists didn’t hijack passenger trains, Amtrak is finally getting the post-9/11 security it so desperately needs to continue pointlessly delaying trains and ruining the lives of Americans who stupidly rely upon the industrialized world’s lamest national rail service. MORE »

START YOUR TERRORIST PHONE CALLS AGAIN, EVERYBODY! The FBI is broke and can’t afford to eavesdrop on all of our personal calls and instant messages and emails and everything, so let’s get back to that secret terror project to blow up Mars. [AP/Google]

“Three days after Americans saw the Bush administration’s counterterrorism chief say the Iraq war has likely not made the United States safer from terrorism, the official announced his resignation, citing health reasons.” [ABC Blotter]

“Chertoff: We’re Preparing for Nuclear Attack.” [NewsMax]

Well sure, you know Rudy just wants to be the Cross-Dressing Dictator of Terror, but for a lot of Americans who are busy struggling to survive or whatever, he’s just that guy who acted vaguely presidential on 9/11 — standing around with a sort of firm expression in the city where he happened to be mayor that day, while the real president was hiding in an airplane like a little girl. So it’s fun to see CNN running stories about whether it’s “appropriate” for Giuliani to even show up at the annual 9/11 terror festival, which is, after all, supposed to be in honor of the people who were killed that day, not to give Rudy a three-point boost in the polls.

RUDY GIULIANI FACES 9/11 QUESTIONS [YouTube/CNN]

A widely hated cretin is the White House’s top choice for attorney general, experts said today. Michael Chertoff is known for his bizarre threats against America and his tenure at the biggest fucking joke agency in American history, the “department of homeland security.” Despised by Republicans, Democrats and actual humans, Chertoff is just the kind of loathsome creep the Bush Administration is likely to choose to be AG for a few weeks until the whole gang is rounded up and sent to Gitmo. MORE »

Self-proclaimed Terror Queen Rudy Giuliani is, of course, running for President of 9/11. TIME Magazine describes his campaign this way: “He has no foreign policy experience, and he talks about terrorism as if it’s an enemy country on a continent only he knows how to find.” The magazine then spends about a million words describing all the other ways that Giuliani is, in fact, a terrorist. MORE »

Well, there won’t be any “news” until after Labor Day, so let’s just spend the next few weeks drinking on the job and watching YouTube clips. It’s better than being outside! Here’s a clip some dude made of Rudy McTerrorism saying “global terrorism” and “September 11″ several million times. We think this makes a real “statement” about “politics,” and we hope you are drinking on the job, too.

Rudy Giuliani’s answer to everything [YouTube]

Did you get your new issue of Foreign Affairs? No? Check the recycling pile, because sometimes it ends up in there. Look under the Hammacher Schlemmer catalog, or maybe under the Wall Street Journal. It’s kind of small. There! Now, take a look at the cover and feel your pulse rise, because this issue holds long boring essays by John Edwards and Rudy Giuliani. MORE »

Gruesome biological freak and Minister of Fear Mongering Michael Chertoff has a new message today that contradicts his earlier message this week, about The Terror coming to kill us all because Terror, like the Beach Boys, loves summertime. MORE »

Republican loser Rick Santorum has a message for America: He has inside knowledge of GOP “terror attacks” that will terrify Americans into voting for whatever abortionist Republican candidate survives the primaries. The two-term senator told some terror-crazed talk-radio show that the 2008 campaign will bring certain surprises for those expecting some Democrat to flush the White House of Cheney’s Crooks. MORE »

Nothing says “America” like “Tony Danza.” The dumb, talentless star of “Joanie Loves Chachi” is the big attraction at tomorrow’s A Capitol Fourth thing. MORE »

Did you miss the vacation experience of a lifetime? You know, the National Review luxury cruise featuring leading neoconservative opinion writers who know the real story about why your daughter will be speaking Spanish while having her abortions under that burqa? Worry not, because UK journalist Johann Hari took the terrible trip and documented it for the New Republic.

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We are pretty close to giving super-billionaire Michael Bloomberg one of our coveted Wonkette Presidential Endorsements because he basically just called all the candidates a bunch of fear-mongering wusses. MORE »