Hooray, it’s time to indoctrinate the school children at the government-run anti-choice public school-prisons. But how will we best teach these weak lumps of young shit how to be Nazi-Socialists for the Black Panthers? WITH THE TEEVEE, obvs. And that’s why the no-good Hawaiian-Chicago street hustler, Barry Nobama, will speak to the childrens on the closed circuit today, old school, and of course oh good gravy there are some WHITE folks who heard about this, and they are not so happy about a common African Slave telling kids to “stay in school.” Look what happens when black kids stay in school and go to Harvard and all that …. BLAM, black dude is president. Not good. MORE »

Do you know what’s worse than a LEVEL FOUR flu pandemic freakout? A LEVEL FIVE flu pandemic freakout — it is like four, but plus another, to equal five. Things can only get one more number worse than what will soon be announced, the Level 5 — and that, as you probably already suspect, is a Level SIX (6) pandemic freakout. Stocks ended sharply higher. [EuroNews]

Alan Keyes demands that we not laugh, but HAAHHHAHAHAH. This is the best Alan Keyes nonsense since that time he said, “I kind of represent, in political terms, the abortion.” Oh man. What? Just keep in mind that this person ran against Barack Obama for a United States Senate seat. And somehow Obama won! [YouTube]

Greetings from Austin, Minnesota — the home of Hormel’s famous SPAM food product, which Hawaiians such as Barack Obama eat a dozen times a day, with caviar. We are very close to St. Paul and our fancy suites, and will be there Sunday morning in time for so many cocktail parties. The question is this: Will anybody from the Republican Party show up? MORE »

The March on Washington is almost here, as are our Patriotic Morning Drinking Plans. But did you know it’s kind of scary to come to a place like D.C., especially to the touristy National Mall which crawls with Park Service police night and day, and is only visited by other white people tourists on summer weekends? Join us for a children’s treasury of “I am worried there might be scary snakes” Paultard travel-tip forum posts. MORE »

Here is a picture of the rare 6-way split screen — nothing short of more TERROR FROM THE SKIES IN NYC can bring this one about. Should a genuine terrorist attack occur, expect to see 12, possibly 13 seperate screens on your tv. MORE »

Logo courtesy CBS and the AP, and we’re only crediting them out of the hope that they’ll feel a little embarrassment. MORE »

Our gadget-obsessed sibling brings us this news: MORE »

KidsPost answers kids’ questions on the Bird Flu: MORE »

This just in, from a Capitol Hill operative: MORE »

Just a few minutes ago, a tipster emailed us: MORE »