Tag Archives: fear

  Error 404 Truthiness Not Found

FCC Approves Obama’s Secret Plan To Keep Internet Pretty Much The Same

I'm sorry, Dave, I see Google is your default search engine. Have you considered Bing? You really should consider Bing, Dave. Do you want me to switch you to Bing?
The Federal Communications Commission voted to uphold Net Neutrality today, guaranteeing either that Internet Service Providers can’t charge content providers different rates to transmit their data, or possibly that Freedom is Dead Forever, again. House Speaker John Boehner didn’t exaggerate the seriousness of the vote a single bit: Read more on FCC Approves Obama’s Secret Plan To Keep Internet Pretty Much The Same…
  Fox To Call For French Tort Reform

Paris To Fox News: See You In Court For Being Lying Liars

Terrifying real news that's verified... to be fake
Now that Fox News has admitted it completely made up a series of stories about supposed “no go zones” in France and England — districts where the police and other officials supposedly leave local Muslims to run things on their own and create little islands of Sharia where no non-Muslim dare enter — the mayor of Paris, Anne Hidalgo, says she’s planning to sue Fox News for lying about Her Fair City: Read more on Paris To Fox News: See You In Court For Being Lying Liars…
  The Sane In Maine Goes Plainly Against The Grain

Maine Judge Frees Kaci Hickox To Continue Not Spreading Ebola

Kaci Hickox, unaccountably not being killed by a mob
A small victory for science over fear today, as a Maine judge rejected Gov. Paul LePage’s attempt to impose a quarantine on Kaci Hickox, the nurse who has twice tested negative for Ebola and is in good health with no symptoms of the scariest disease in the world. Read more on Maine Judge Frees Kaci Hickox To Continue Not Spreading Ebola…
  SCAIR tactics

Will D.O.J. Investigate Gun Range Lady Just For Refusing To Let Muslims Behead Us?

Yes, yes, you'd hit that. Sexist.
In a move that could only have been predicted by someone with detectable brainwave activity, a Muslim civli rights group has asked the Justice Department to investigate that nice lady who proudly announced that she was banning Muslims from her gun range. The Council on American-Islamic Relations sent a letter to Attorney General Eric Holder asking DOJ to investigate whether Jan Morgan, owner of the Gun Cave Indoor Firing Range in Hot Springs, Arkansas, has violated civil rights laws and the terms of her license to sell firearms. Read more on Will D.O.J. Investigate Gun Range Lady Just For Refusing To Let Muslims Behead Us?…
  Ebola Virus Anagrams To 'A Lib Over Us'

Jim Inhofe Maybe OK With Fighting Ebola Now, Maybe

I'm old, I don't need to make sense
Wingnuts who think it’s just crazy for Barack Hussein Obama to send U.S. troops to Africa to fight Ebola — don’t be silly, you can’t shoot a virus! — have themselves a new hero in Oklahoma Sen. James Inhofe. Until this morning, he had blocked funding for the mission because he is an amoral asshole he has serious concerns about stretching the defense budget too thin at a time when we need to be ready to do war in Syria and stuff. Read more on Jim Inhofe Maybe OK With Fighting Ebola Now, Maybe…
  One Ringy Dingy

Arkansas Hero Lady Bans Muslims From Gun Range So They Can’t Cut Off Your Head

The tinny tones of Jihad!
In a world where scary Muslims are cutting off heads every few minutes, and where scary Muslims are also just generally being scary all the time, it only makes sense to be scared of Muslims, and to keep your business safe from them. That’s why Jan Morgan, owner of the Gun Cave Indoor Firing Range in Hot Springs, Arkansas, has declared her business to be a “Muslim-Free Zone.” She has a pretty good reason, too, which we’re sure will be very convincing to anyone who tries to argue that Title II of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 might apply to her business: Read more on Arkansas Hero Lady Bans Muslims From Gun Range So They Can’t Cut Off Your Head…
  How To Get A Head At Newscorp

Fox Idiot: Why Does Barack Obama Want You To Get Beheaded?

Just like the Rapture, any day now...
Hey, did you hear about that beheading in Oklahoma last week? Did you know that beheadings are on the rise here in U.S. America, with over 100% more beheadings by fired ex-convicts in September 2014 than in the whole rest of the year? Fortunately, killer Alton Nolen was stopped from attacking a second worker at Vaughan Foods when the company’s Chief Operating Officer, Mark Vaughan, shot him. This proves that if your executive staff includes an off-duty Sheriff’s Reserve deputy who is nearby with his or her weapon handy, you will never ever have to worry about more than one person at your business getting beheaded. Read more on Fox Idiot: Why Does Barack Obama Want You To Get Beheaded?…
  Head Games

Oklahoma Jihad Update: Please Be More Afraid. You Are Not Afraid Enough Yet

A sneakiy new tactic to blend in
On Friday, we brought you the story of a horrific murder committed in Moore, Oklahoma. Alton Nolen, a man who was fired from his job at a produce processing plant, killed one woman and injured a second, and now the wingnuttosphere is in a tizzy about jihad in Oklahoma, because Nolen was said by co-workers to have tried, unsuccessfully, to convince others to convert. Therefore, in the minds of top thinkers like Pam Geller and Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man on the Internet, Nolen’s rampage is the inevitable result of Islam, and anyone who thinks this was merely “workplace violence” is willfully blind to the reality of the Muslim Threat. See, for instance this bit of screaming from Hoft today: Read more on Oklahoma Jihad Update: Please Be More Afraid. You Are Not Afraid Enough Yet…
  Bullet Points

NRA Wonders Why You Paranoids Fear Gun Nuts And Their Weapons Stockpiles

Playing the arms race card
The NRA just can’t understand the paranoia of you people who have a problem with Responsible Gun Owners and their Perfectly Legal Firearms, which they keep with them at all times because they need to be ready to instantly kill a possible assailant. And so the NRA put together this very convincing video to explain that anyone who has a problem with armed citizens is a seriously disturbed human being who is afraid of both the Holy Second Amendment, and, even crazier, afraid of an inanimate object, for god’s sake. There is nothing to fear about a gun, you pussies. Here, listen to completely level-headed NRA commentary person Billy Johnson: Read more on NRA Wonders Why You Paranoids Fear Gun Nuts And Their Weapons Stockpiles…
  And Yet Furries Still Fight For Recognition

WND Publisher Joseph Farah Just Wants Equal Rights For His People, The Hate-Gay-Marriageists

Admit it: You only read 'Nostromo' because it was the name of the ship In 'Alien'
WorldNetDaily publisher Joseph Farah is taking a break from his critical work on behalf of birthers and believers in various conspiracies to explain that laws preventing discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation are actually Very Discriminatory Indeed — not against a religion (fundamentalist Christianity), but against one of the very sexual orientations that such silly laws purport to protect! Because now, being against marriage equality is its very own sexual orientation. Read more on WND Publisher Joseph Farah Just Wants Equal Rights For His People, The Hate-Gay-Marriageists…
  bang-bang! they shot him down

Surgeon General Nominee Does Not Want To Murder Children With Guns, So Probably Will Not Be Surgeon General Nominee Any More, Thank You

We recently covered the opposition to President Obama’s nominee for surgeon general from wingnuts and the National Rifle Association (but we repeat ourselves), because Dr. Vivek Murthy has in the past said that guns are not good for children and other living things. We thought at the time that such snits were just the routine arm-waving of the same folks who can be relied upon to scream that every government action is a portent of coming gun seizures and tyranny, from nutritional standards to statistics on skateboard imports. But then we remembered it’s an election year, and that a lot of Democrats are easily terrified by the NRA. So it looks like the Murthy nomination is, if not actually dead, then probably gasping for air, since as many as 10 Democratic senators may vote against it. Oh Senate Dems, we just can’t quit hating you! Read more on Surgeon General Nominee Does Not Want To Murder Children With Guns, So Probably Will Not Be Surgeon General Nominee Any More, Thank You…
  load up on guns and bring your friends

Wayne LaPierre At CPAC Turns In Brilliant Parody Of Worst Gun-Fondler Stereotypes

National Rifle Association CEO and Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre admitted that he and most gun fondlers are motivated by fear, although he didn’t quite put it that way. At CPAC Thursday, the gun fetishist in chief shared a vision of America as a paranoid hellscape: “We fear for the safety of our families. It’s why neighborhood streets that were once filled with bicycles and skateboards and laughter in the air, now sit empty and silent … [For] the things we care about most, we feel profound loss. We’re sad, not because we fear something is going wrong, but because we know something already has gone wrong. That’s why more Americans are buying firearms and ammunition.” It’s nice to see Mr. LaPierre admit that the right’s obsessions with guns is largely driven by fear, and is largely a matter of perception. Poor man came remarkably close to something like an insight there, and then decided that the paranoid response is the reasonable answer, not a symptom of how sick the gun fondling worldview is. Read more on Wayne LaPierre At CPAC Turns In Brilliant Parody Of Worst Gun-Fondler Stereotypes…
  land of a thousand dunces

Ted Nugent: Get More Guns Into Schools So Sandy Hook Kids Won’t Have Died In Vain

NRA board member and bozo birthday boy Ted Nugent, who is still neither dead nor in jail, marked the one-year anniversary of the Newtown Massacre with a WND column blaming the shootings on “political correctness” and warning that unless we arm teachers, eliminate gun-free zones, and do something about mentally ill people — as individuals, of course, not through government — then the 26 dead at Sandy Hook Elementary will have “died for nothing.” Silly us, we thought the reason that we needed to do something about idiots with guns was that the victims of Sandy Hook already did die for nothing. They died because it’s ridiculously easy for idiots with Rambo fantasies to get their hands on killing machines with high-capacity magazines, and even if some kind of meaningful reform of gun laws were to come about (a pipe dream, we know), that would not retroactively make the deaths of 20 children and 6 staff mean anything. There’s no redeeming those murders, no happy symbolic transformation that can give a Ted Nugent a moral justification for shitting on those graves. Read more on Ted Nugent: Get More Guns Into Schools So Sandy Hook Kids Won’t Have Died In Vain…
  capitalism is now a dirty word

Republican Strategists ‘Frightened To Death’ By #OWS Movement

While the Occupy Wall Street movement can sometimes seem to be more about tents and police and pepper spray than the crushing economic injustice in this country, Republican political operatives are having no trouble at all figuring out exactly what #OWS wants. “I’m so scared of this anti-Wall Street effort. I’m frightened to death,” top GOP strategist Frank Luntz said at the Republican Governors Association meeting in Orlando this week. “They’re having an impact on what the American people think of capitalism.” Uh oh, looks like the dupes are starting to figure out capitalism isn’t fair. The GOP better have some pat answers ready when their former stooges in the destroyed middle class start asking fancy questions about income equality! Read more on Republican Strategists ‘Frightened To Death’ By #OWS Movement…
  the way we hide from the poors now

Sneaky 1% Now Hiding In Custom $200K Vans That Look ‘Normal’ On the Outside

When you’re ready to start breaking necks and taking scalps, nothing says “oh there’s a rich guy” like seeing some Town Car parked outside a fancy restaurant or dildo shop. And the richest 1% have figured this out, too! That’s why the latest trend for the world’s kleptocrats is not some ostentatious European sports car, but a humble van that actually hides a luxury vehicle interior. Read more on Sneaky 1% Now Hiding In Custom $200K Vans That Look ‘Normal’ On the Outside…
  snivelers

Eric Cantor Wimps Out On Speech After Hearing Peasants Might Attend

Terminally panicky villain-child Eric Cantor was all set to deliver a speech on “income inequality” and its many virtues to what he thought would be a carefully selected audience of approvingly docile business students at the Wharton School, but at the last minute university officials reminded Cantor’s office that the event would be open to the public. Cantor immediately cancelled his address in response, out of a rank fear that the cesspool of unemployed and low-wage commoners and Occupy Philadelphia protesters might turn up to ask a few questions about his Plan for Their Future (Guantanamo). Read more on Eric Cantor Wimps Out On Speech After Hearing Peasants Might Attend…
  hypocrites

Shivering Twerp Eric Cantor Afraid of Polite Unemployed ‘Mobs’ (But Not Gun-Waving Teabaggers!)

Mincing little twit Eric Cantor was all for a bunch of heavily-armed old white sociopaths showing up at Obama speeches and Town Hall meetings about, uh, denying health care to children and working people. But if a crowd of polite unemployed people camps out in a park to politely blog about income inequality, then watch out, it’s MOBS. The thing is, the mobs will come for Eric Cantor, sooner or later, but we’re still a long way from that point — and every shred of available evidence suggests that Eric Cantor’s own constituency will be the ones who pry him out of his Lexus or townhouse and coat his pasty nerd flesh with Tar and Feathers, like the real Tea Party did to that naked guy in the HBO adaptation of the John Adams biography. Anyway, Eric is all a-scared! Read more on Shivering Twerp Eric Cantor Afraid of Polite Unemployed ‘Mobs’ (But Not Gun-Waving Teabaggers!)…
  mexican computer flu

LulzSec Hacks Arizona Cop Database, Releasing Many Virtual Mexicans

Old white people in Arizona were warned to unplug their ‘puters Thursday night, because a group of mysterious hackers called “Lulz Security” broke into the state’s law enforcement network and released millions of illegal Mexican computer things into the computer world, the New York Times reports. The virtual Mexicans might somehow get through the Internet Explorer with the Drudge Report set as the home page, or through the AOL accounts many elderly Arizonans continue to pay $15 a month for, despite also paying for cable Internet or DSL. While the same hacker group reportedly also broke into secure systems such as the CIA.gov and Eater.com, the fear in this case is that the illegal code virus released by LulzSec may force white children to speak Spanglish and also spread Latino music and the Catholic religion, both of which are a serious threat to retired whites who moved from Midwestern suburbs to Arizona in the 1980s because who knew it got 117 degrees in the summer? Read more on LulzSec Hacks Arizona Cop Database, Releasing Many Virtual Mexicans…
  tgif tsa-1138

TGIF: Terror Threat Level So Frickin’ High Tonight, It Thinks It’s God Now

You know how you know when a constant terror threat level alert is working? When people actually go so crazy that they start sending packages that “ignite and smoke” to the head of the Homeland Security Safety Mall Corporation. This is really going on! People in Maryland are sending smoke bombs addressed to Janet Napolitano because of those highway signs that tell drivers to report anybody doing anything suspicious, such as not eating sixteen tacos while driving to another fast food franchise. Read more on TGIF: Terror Threat Level So Frickin’ High Tonight, It Thinks It’s God Now…
  so so so ballsy

Brave Democratic Officials Decide Keeping Tax Cuts Too Hard

Democrats came back from their August recess and were finally going to do something! They were going to extend Bush’s tax cuts for the middle class! But apparently it is now too scary for the party that once dropped an actual atomic bomb on its opponents to bring this thing to a vote of any kind, so they’re leaving this until after the November elections. And now they will return to their districts and complain about the minority party, who can now apparently stop an idea as soon as it pops up into a Democrat’s brain, without so much as even a cloture vote. Read more on Brave Democratic Officials Decide Keeping Tax Cuts Too Hard…
  the terrorist next door

Is There a *Reason* Why Terrorist South Carolina Has a Muslim Flag?

South Carolina is filled with traitors — traitors who literally started a war with the United States, because we would not let them keep the vast majority of their population as chattel slaves. And the people of this bog-state are apparently *flaunting* these terroristic inclinations even today, according to Wonkette operative “Ed M.,” who just drove through the enemy territory and reports that “the state’s flag, logo, license plates, commemorative thimbles, etc. all have crescent moons on them. Even the tree they have under that Christian-hating moon looks Islamic.” Is it time to send predator drones and then nuclear missiles to this place, to save America, because We Are At War With Dangerous Extremists? Read more on Is There a *Reason* Why Terrorist South Carolina Has a Muslim Flag?…
  rock and roll high school

New Jersey School District Will Save Your Kids From Obama On TeeVee

Hooray, it’s time to indoctrinate the school children at the government-run anti-choice public school-prisons. But how will we best teach these weak lumps of young shit how to be Nazi-Socialists for the Black Panthers? WITH THE TEEVEE, obvs. And that’s why the no-good Hawaiian-Chicago street hustler, Barry Nobama, will speak to the childrens on the closed circuit today, old school, and of course oh good gravy there are some WHITE folks who heard about this, and they are not so happy about a common African Slave telling kids to “stay in school.” Look what happens when black kids stay in school and go to Harvard and all that …. BLAM, black dude is president. Not good. Read more on New Jersey School District Will Save Your Kids From Obama On TeeVee…