fbi

We would like to take a moment to thank the community of Tupelo, Mississippi, for giving us Elvis Presley, that strange Van Morrison song about honey, and now, all these years later, the chicken-fried braintrust of Paul Kevin Curtis and James Everett Dutschke. The only surprise about these gentlemen is that Curtis, the Elvis (and […]

Oh Daily Mail, you guys are so awesome at journalism. (All y’all will want to read all the way to the end, to mark the exact moment when the Daily Mail received all the Pulitzers, even retroactively.) Zubeidat and her husband Anzor Tsarnaev have claimed that their oldest son received a call from the FBI […]

They tried to warn us. “Government out of my Medicare!” they said. “Something about socialized medicine and Dr. Mengele,” said they. But did we listen? Or did we just howl with laughter? WELL NO ONE’S LAUGHING NOW, BUDDY. And that is because Barack Hussein Nobumer has criminalized being old, in the form of raiding The […]

When you’re layin’ in bed at night, getting ready to drift off to sleep, do you fantasize about how you would totally have stopped Waco and reasoned with David Koresh? Sure you do! Do you also fap to the idea that those dirty varmint federales shouldn’t come around because you’ve got a sheriff and that’s […]

If former DC Mayor and current DC Councilman Marion Barry had ever bothered to watch Bob Roberts, he would know not to do crack, it’s a ghetto drug. Sadly, he did not, and now comes his revelation that when the FBI gave him that crack to smoke, it had more on its mind than just […]

Oh man is David Petraeus’ wiener getting people in trouble today. We already knew about Petraeus, a retired four-star general and (now former) director of the CIA, and how he started up an affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, and how Broadwell then sent a bunch of crazy threatening emails to some lady in Tampa, probably […]

What have our rightwing torture chamber pals at Newsmax been up to lately? Well, according to “chief Washington correspondent” Ronald Kessler, they’ve just cold been getting leaks from disgruntled Fibbies about retired spook-in-chief David Petraeus’s office boffings since October. Ronald Kessler is very outraged about the national security implications of this! Oh wait, no. Ronald […]

The FBI Houston Division is on the hunt! A bandit has cleaned out the vault at a Wells Fargo bank and escaped on horseback — some say up to Cheyenne Town, others say out Callyforney-way. Who is this rogue, bringing his most unseemly disposition to the local financiers of Houston City? Could he be… the […]

Dear “Anarchists,” no one likes you, stop trying to blow shit up even if it IS the Federal Reserve. (A bridge? You wanna blow up a BRIDGE? The kind the WORKING MAN drives on, with his fambly? Way to stick it to The Man, dicks.) CLEVELAND, Ohio – The FBI arrested five men Monday evening, […]

In a super-neato sting operation today, the FBI totally intercepted a Muslim Terrorist wearing a suicide bomb vest en route to the Capitol, to blow it up. Sucker! Caught you! Go eat an Abortionplex-sized bag of dicks, guy! (But really, thank you for taking all of the pretend bombs our agents gave you and going […]

Four East Haven, Connecticut police officers were recently arrested by the FBI for unlawful abuse and search of some of the city’s Latino residents, but Mayor Joe Maturo’s immediate response to the arrests was so heinous as to suggest that maybe the officers had been told to be racist and abusive by a racist and […]

The Year of Rage is moving along nicely: The four elderly Georgia men arrested for their alleged plot to kill a bunch of federal employees and simultaneously attack a half-dozen cities with poison and some other Rage Batman stuff were all inspired by a Fox News personality’s insanely inspirational novel about killing all the evil […]

So what sorts of hobbies are America’s agitated olds taking up these days when they are not busy surfing the apocalypse survival kit and Bible sale ads on Newsmax? Plotting mass murder, it turns out. Yeesh. When did soothing naps go out of style? The FBI arrested four seniors in Georgia Tuesday for allegedly using […]

What could be wrong about a robot-drone plane raining death and destruction upon the Enemy? Everything, when a Muslim wants to do it! (Otherwise, this is called “10 years of U.S. war in Afghanistan.”) Somehow, the FBI found an angry young Islamic dude in America who was, for some reason, angry about the endless murder […]

Another of Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker’s propagandists on the public payroll had her home and computers raided by the FBI and state police, on Wednesday. The “former top aide,” Cynthia A. Archer, is currently on “paid sick leave” but had been the deputy chief of Walker’s comically corrupt administration. What did all the G-men want […]