Tag Archives: fbi

  something something cannoli

Al Sharpton Denies He Was Ever A Matinee Hero Mob Informant For The FBI

Yesterday, The Smoking Gun published a ninety-zillion word story on Al Sharpton’s time as an FBI informant who spent several years helping the bureau — oh, sorry, The Bureau — get leads on Mafia figures in the Genovese crime family, even using a wired briefcase to record conversations. And yet, despite the marketability of such an exciting narrative, Sharpton has so far disputed much of the Smoking Gun’s story, and denies that he was an informant, insisting that he was actually the victim of threats from organized crime, and that therefore the limited cooperation that he gave the FBI didn’t count as “informing,” and no way was he an “informant.” We can’t for the life of us imagine why any public figure would want to deny their role in investigating the criminal activities of the mob, really. Read more on Al Sharpton Denies He Was Ever A Matinee Hero Mob Informant For The FBI…
  sovereign shitheads

Tennessee ‘Sovereign Citizen’ Liberates People From All Their Worthless Federal Money

If, like Yr Doktor Zoom, you’re a connoisseur of conspiracy loons, you are of course familiar with the weirdo “sovereign citizen” crowd, who believe that they aren’t subject to the false laws of the fake American government, that typing their names in all caps has magical properties, and that their only allegiance is to the real U.S. Constitution, which was somehow perverted by the adoption of the 14th Amendment or some such nonsense. There are many variations on the theme, but they pretty much just don’t want to pay taxes or be subject to any laws they don’t like, which is most of them. So anyhow, here is a teevee report from Nashville’s channel 4 about a nice gentleman named Mark Manuel, of Franklin, Tennessee, who was convicted in federal court in February along with two others, in a multi-million-dollar scheme to “eliminate” people’s debts through a bunch of phony legal filings — all the debtors had to do was hand over a whole lot more money to the trio, who promised to use secret federal accounts to pay off the debts. As a result, a lot of people took out credit card advances or second mortgages to pay the bogus fees, and several victims ended up losing everything; the three ripped off at least 250 people nationwide. And of course, even though federal money is worthless, the group happily accepted it from their victims. Isn’t sovereignty a beautiful thing? Read more on Tennessee ‘Sovereign Citizen’ Liberates People From All Their Worthless Federal Money…
  tong kiss

FBI Affidavit In Leland Yee Case Makes Pretty Good Movie Pitch

The strange case of Leland Yee, the Democratic California state Senator charged with bribery and corruption and general terribleness Wednesday, lends itself to media analogies. The Escapist decided Yee was a character from Grand Theft Auto, which works nicely with his previous attempt to ban the sale of violent videogames to minors. San Francisco Magazine thinks he’s more like Clay Davis from The Wire. And all we can think is that he’s like some kind of Coen Brothers character — and what he really needs is for Marge Gunderson to give him a good talking-to and let him know just what an idiot he’s been, all for some money. There’s more to life than money, doesn’t he know that? We’ll confess we haven’t read every single word of the 137-page FBI affidavit [PDF link] in the case, but it’s pretty wild stuff. Let’s look at some highlights! Please add your casting, screenwriter, and director suggestions in the comments. Read more on FBI Affidavit In Leland Yee Case Makes Pretty Good Movie Pitch…
  smallotry

Reminder: Rights Of Muslim Citizens Still Routinely Trampled In United States

That’s yr Wonkette’s shoulder and neck in the extreme right foreground. The ox-man in the flag polo was trying to steal our sign!   It seems like only yesterday that we could hardly believe some of the awful things people were doing to Muslims in the United States 2,000+ years after JC met his bio dad. But lately the big news has been “Gays win” and “Pot smokers win” and “Blacks still get murdered a lot” and “Mass shootings” and “IRS Ben Gozzi Obamacare!” That one is kinda Muslim, but we are talking about the quotidian traumas of being viewed as enemies by your own neighbors and government. These stories have lately been absent from the National Conversation, but have they been absent from real life? Read more on Reminder: Rights Of Muslim Citizens Still Routinely Trampled In United States…
  girl you lookin so fein

CIA Screwed Up So Bad That Biggest Fangirl Dianne Feinstein Yelling At Them Now (VIDEO)

Yeah yeah, we know, it’s just so hypocritical of iconic Bond girl Dianne Feinstein to suddenly be acting all hotted up about domestic spying now that she’s the one getting domestic spied on. It’s very ironic and so on, but that’s not the important thing. The important thing is: If you are someone who wants a new Church Committee to ram home a deep, broad, penetrating probe of CIA, NSA, FBI, and all the rest, you should be happy. The chances of that happening just got a lot better. And boy, it’s about time. To us, the most striking thing about this whole affair has not been the accusations against the CIA, but rather just how badly they’ve handled themselves in response. It’s like when you catch a kid with his hand in the cookie jar, and his reaction is to yell “FUCK YOU! My hand was not in the cookie jar, and even if it was it’s none of your fucking business! DO YOU HEAR ME I WILL CUT YOU! I WILL SHIT IN YOUR SHOES!” In other words, the CIA is very much like Justin Bieber or a 19-year-old son. Read more on CIA Screwed Up So Bad That Biggest Fangirl Dianne Feinstein Yelling At Them Now (VIDEO)…
  real conspiracies are just sad

Georgia Militia Dudes Arrested Trying To Buy Bombs; Sadly, No Dildos Or Tranny* Porn

Oh, hai there, militia guys, how goes the Second American Revolution these days? Not so great, huh, what with getting arrested just for trying to buy some pipe bombs and thermite grenades? Bummer. These three super-Patriot militia guys from Georgia — Brian Cannon, Cory Williamson, and the seriously misnamed Terry Eugene Peace — are just not going to get the chance to water the Tree of Liberty this time, since they got themselves arrested on February 15. Instead, they were charged in federal court last week. The three heroes had been reported to the FBI after participating in online discussions about attacking government targets, and then Mr. Peace asked a “cooperating witness” to sell them explosives. Sadly, this time around, the genius freedom fighters did not have any remote-controlled pink dildos or “Tranny Hunter” DVDs. We truly are suffering from a poorer grade of domestic terrorist these days. Read more on Georgia Militia Dudes Arrested Trying To Buy Bombs; Sadly, No Dildos Or Tranny* Porn…
  zuzu's petals--of subversion!

History Shocker! Ayn Rand Helped FBI Find Communist Influence In ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’

Before War On Christmas 2013 fades into memory, let’s take a look at how the FBI examined a Christmas Classic for evidence of communist propaganda. According to a nifty article in Aphelis, Frank Capra’s tale of the redemptive power of sentimental glurge was listed as potentially subversive, as part of a widespread investigation into alleged communist influence in Hollywood — as if anyone needed to investigate such an obvious fact, haw haw! Read more on History Shocker! Ayn Rand Helped FBI Find Communist Influence In ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’…
  thanks obama!

Top Secret FBI Interrogation Manual Somehow Ended Up In Library Of Congress — And It’s A Cookbook!

Our oopsie of the day comes to us courtesy of Nick Baumann at Mother Jones, who brings us this story of an FBI agent who thought it would be a good idea to submit a copy of a secret interrogation manual to the U.S. Copyright Office — which means it ended up in the Library of Congress, unredacted and available to anyone who wants to see it. And that’s just the biggest of the craptacular snafus in the way the document was handled. These stories of multiple bureaucratic screw-ups gladden our hearts and make us unaccountably happy — it’s somehow reassuringly humanizing to know that the top spies lock their keys in the car now and then, too. Just as long as nobody does that while handling nerve gas, at least. Read more on Top Secret FBI Interrogation Manual Somehow Ended Up In Library Of Congress — And It’s A Cookbook!…
  wonkette confidential

Extra! Extra! Clarence Thomas Was Black Panther Paperboy!

Once a year the Federalist Society has a dinner in Washington DC. It is a dinner for lawyers. This year they promised an appearance by Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. I wondered what he might have to say as their featured guest; I had seen him a few times while he was at work and he did not seem like a talkative man. Read more on Extra! Extra! Clarence Thomas Was Black Panther Paperboy!…
  is it muslim terror yet?

Pam Geller Converts Routine FBI Bulletin Into Warning That Scary Muslims Will Blow Up All Our Oil

Paranoid anti-Muslim savior of western civilization Pam Geller must go through a lot of undies, considering her ability to soil them at the slightest hint of MUSLIM JIHAD TERROR. Consider this scary headline from Sunday: “FBI WARNS: MUSLIM TERRORISTS PLAN TO ATTACK FUEL STORAGE PLANTS INSIDE U.S.” And her lede is full of I-told-you-so victimhood butthurt, of course. Read more on Pam Geller Converts Routine FBI Bulletin Into Warning That Scary Muslims Will Blow Up All Our Oil…
  set phasers to 'stupid'

Upstate NY Duo Wanted To Do Reverse Terrorism On Muslims With Home-Made Death Ray

This week we learned that two upstate New York patriots have very active imaginations and maybe don’t like Muslims so much. Amateur mad scientists Glendon Scott Crawford and Eric J. Feight have been arrested for conspiring to build an actual remote-controlled, radioactive death ray that would fit inside a van and could be used to silently sicken, terrorize, and kill one’s enemies, for example Muslims (reverse terrorism?) What is most striking about this story to yr Wonkette is not that anyone would try to fund the construction of a death ray by shopping around the idea to both a synagogue (for to kill Muslims, duh) AND the KKK (they’re equal opportunity nutjobs), nor even that two dudes would try to build a death ray in the first place. No, we are most interested in how two people with engineering backgrounds — Crawford worked for GE, Feight for an unspecified electronics company in Houston — would actually waste so much of their time and effort on trying to do something that the laws of physics say you pretty much cannot do. CR_EATURE couldn’t be reached at his secret lair, so it falls to us to do Science Words at you! Actually, let us let a fellow from Rensselaer do the Science Words, because authority: Read more on Upstate NY Duo Wanted To Do Reverse Terrorism On Muslims With Home-Made Death Ray…
  First Rule of FISA club...

How Are You Enjoying Your Surveillance State This Morning?

So here is our first take on this NSA/Verizon/FBI phone-records thingy…Actually it is our second or maybe third take, because there’s no really good way to blog the double-axel facepalm, eyeroll, and fetal position that was our real initial reaction to the news. We eventually got up and made some coffee, and while we’re still NOT HAPPY at this latest evidence that the Obama administration is every bit as happy as the Bush people were to unleash the Homeland Surveillance Apparatus in the name of security, we’re also going to try really hard to only freak out as much as we need to. Which is still a pretty good freakout. Read more on How Are You Enjoying Your Surveillance State This Morning?…
  i want to believe

James Comey Will Be New FBI Director As Soon As Glenn Greenwald And John McCain Say So

So we all know that it is only in the fevered fapping imaginings of tea party types that Obummer is a hardcore partisan communist muslin, right? ‘Cause in real life Bamz is pretty much the very model of a modern major centrist. Witness the fact that our glorious nation’s current FBI director Robert Mueller has been king of the feebs since before 9/11 and Bamz actually went to the Senate to get them to extend Mueller’s term past the 10-year term limit. Now Bamz has someone new in mind to lead the Mulders and Scullys of the world, and it is also, too, a dude that served in the George W. administration: Read more on James Comey Will Be New FBI Director As Soon As Glenn Greenwald And John McCain Say So…
  Virginia Is for Losers

Virginia Loses Its Damn Mind, Steals Control of Crazy Train

Don’t look now, kids, but Virginia has turned the corner and gone nuts.  Seriously, it has gone It-Puts-The-Lotion-On-Its-Skin crazy. In just the past week, it has come to light that GOP nominees to state office and elected officials want to: force women who have miscarriages to report it to law enforcement officers; compared Planned Parenthood to the KKK; called out NObama for being a mooslim; shut down transparency; and sold the Governor’s Mansion for some cheap Virginia wine.  In an impressive feat, statewide nominees and officials have managed to wage a war on women, blacks, Muslims, transparency, and ethics! That’s enough wars to give Dick Cheney a year-long hard-on! Let’s review the play-by-play, shall we? Read more on Virginia Loses Its Damn Mind, Steals Control of Crazy Train…
  Cold Comfort Armed II: Electric Boogaloo

Suspect in Ricin Mailings Had Something Nasty In The Dojo

We would like to take a moment to thank the community of Tupelo, Mississippi, for giving us Elvis Presley, that strange Van Morrison song about honey, and now, all these years later, the chicken-fried braintrust of Paul Kevin Curtis and James Everett Dutschke. The only surprise about these gentlemen is that Curtis, the Elvis (and Kid Rock) impersonator who thinks he stumbled across a sinister organ-smuggling scheme in a Tupelo hospital — and sent crazy letters to people about it for years — turns out to be the saner, or at least less dangerous, of the two. Last week, Dutschke was arrested in the ricin mailings, and we found out some interesting facts about the two gentlemen. They shared a fondness for conspiracy theories and feuds on Facebook, for instance. We also now know that Dutschke is also an aficionado of ersatz music — he’s a Wayne Newton impersonator, for fuckssake. Oh, and yesterday, we learned that the FBI found traces of ricin in Dutschke’s martial arts business. Or as Raw Story put it, in a headline that may rival our favorite headline about pot, alligators, and a stripper pole, “Ricin found in dojo of man charged with attempting to frame Elvis impersonator.” Some days, we just love our job. Read more on Suspect in Ricin Mailings Had Something Nasty In The Dojo…
  all the pulitzers

Daily Mail Totally Jelly Of New York Post’s Boston Bombing Coverage

Oh Daily Mail, you guys are so awesome at journalism. (All y’all will want to read all the way to the end, to mark the exact moment when the Daily Mail received all the Pulitzers, even retroactively.) Zubeidat and her husband Anzor Tsarnaev have claimed that their oldest son received a call from the FBI accusing him of the attack, to which he responded: ‘That’s your problem.’ Tamerlan Tsarnaeva, who was killed following a shoot out with the police on April 19, called his mother two or three days after the marathon bombings to tell her about the call from the FBI, his father said. The claims, reported by Channel 4 News, reveal how Tsarnaeva, 26, believed that the FBI was watching him. His mother previously said he had been followed by the FBI for five years. Channel 4 News suggested that, while it was unlikely the FBI had called the suspect to accuse him of the heinous crime, it was perhaps his way of preparing his parents for the news of his involvement. While it seems unlikely, if the claim is true, it raises questions over how the FBI handled the case. Oh, did you get that? Let us type it again. Read more on Daily Mail Totally Jelly Of New York Post’s Boston Bombing Coverage…
  we got your rascal hanging

Ready The FEMA Camps: Obama Coming For Your Rascal So You Can’t Run Or Hide

They tried to warn us. “Government out of my Medicare!” they said. “Something about socialized medicine and Dr. Mengele,” said they. But did we listen? Or did we just howl with laughter? WELL NO ONE’S LAUGHING NOW, BUDDY. And that is because Barack Hussein Nobumer has criminalized being old, in the form of raiding The Scooter Store for massive amounts of Medicare fraud, and now he is going to death panel all of you, right quick! Why do we never listen to Sarah Palin’s gentle murmurs? WHYYYYYY???? Read more on Ready The FEMA Camps: Obama Coming For Your Rascal So You Can’t Run Or Hide…
  freedom's just another word for nuthin' left to shoot

Montana Law Enforcement Will Protect You From Other Law Enforcement Because Freedom

When you’re layin’ in bed at night, getting ready to drift off to sleep, do you fantasize about how you would totally have stopped Waco and reasoned with David Koresh? Sure you do! Do you also fap to the idea that those dirty varmint federales shouldn’t come around because you’ve got a sheriff and that’s all a grown man needs? If so, then scenic Montana is for you! Read more on Montana Law Enforcement Will Protect You From Other Law Enforcement Because Freedom…
  just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you

Why Is The FBI Cocaining Marion Barry To Death?

If former DC Mayor and current DC Councilman Marion Barry had ever bothered to watch Bob Roberts, he would know not to do crack, it’s a ghetto drug. Sadly, he did not, and now comes his revelation that when the FBI gave him that crack to smoke, it had more on its mind than just netting itself a mayor. Some (Barry) might call it muuuurrrderrrrr! How did the FBI try to kill you, Marion Barry? “The FBI had a mind to entrap me, also the FBI tried to kill me by having some substance that wasn’t proven to be crack,” Barry told U.S. News in a phone interview. “They had an EMT on the spot, which is not only unusual but rare in history of the FBI,” Barry noted as he offered evidence to support his claim that the FBI attempted to kill him. “Why would they have an EMT on the scene if they weren’t trying?” Why would they have someone trained to save lives on the scene if they did not want Marion Barry dead! Why indeed! Read more on Why Is The FBI Cocaining Marion Barry To Death?…
  invasion of a rack

David Petraeus, Gen. John Allen, And Shirtless FBI Agent Sent Sexy Emails All The Time, To Everyone

Oh man is David Petraeus’ wiener getting people in trouble today. We already knew about Petraeus, a retired four-star general and (now former) director of the CIA, and how he started up an affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, and how Broadwell then sent a bunch of crazy threatening emails to some lady in Tampa, probably about how Tampa Lady’s face looks like it’s carved out of soap. We also knew that Petraeus and Broadwell then broke up, ending the first ever documented case of someone in the military community being unfaithful to their spouse. Then, Petraeus sent her “thousands” of emails, because he, apparently, is quite a dork, and somehow not at all busy running the Central Intelligence Agency. But WOW, is there more. Read more on David Petraeus, Gen. John Allen, And Shirtless FBI Agent Sent Sexy Emails All The Time, To Everyone…
  journamalism

Newsmax Reporter: Petraeus Affair Endangered National Security, Per Egregious, Totally Fine FBI Leak

What have our rightwing torture chamber pals at Newsmax been up to lately? Well, according to “chief Washington correspondent” Ronald Kessler, they’ve just cold been getting leaks from disgruntled Fibbies about retired spook-in-chief David Petraeus’s office boffings since October. Ronald Kessler is very outraged about the national security implications of this! Oh wait, no. Ronald Kessler thinks it is fine that an unclearanced person such as himself is getting fed “sensitive” information (just the tip!) about national security from the FBI. On Oct. 10, I was contacted by a longtime FBI source who told me that a bureau investigation had uncovered Petraeus’ affair with a journalist and that it could potentially jeopardize national security. Hmmm, what else might jeopardize national security? Like, maybe leaking serious shit to people from Newsmax? The veteran agent related to me that FBI agents assigned to the case were outraged by what were they were told by senior officials: The FBI was going to hold in limbo their findings until after the election. Oh, right. That’s what endangers national security. Read more on Newsmax Reporter: Petraeus Affair Endangered National Security, Per Egregious, Totally Fine FBI Leak…