Tag Archives: fat people

  flotus files

Michelle Obama Is Weak On Obesity, Nation Keeps Getting Fatter

Hey there, you might want to put down your Fritos for a second, because this is gross: In 2005, “being obese or overweight caused an estimated 216,000 deaths from heart disease, diabetes and other conditions, researchers estimated, while another 191,000 deaths resulted from being physically inactive.” Do you hear that? If you sit on your couch long enough, you will just spontaneously drop dead. Of course, this is the sort of thing our First Lady Michelle Obama has been trying to prevent from happening, through her dance-a-thons and grocery superstores that apparently aren’t getting built. But the obesity epidemic continues, and the kids just keep getting fatter, no matter how many celebrity endorsements the Let’s Move! campaign receives. “But that isn’t enough, say public health leaders frustrated with the slow progress in stemming America’s obesity epidemic. Something more ambitious is needed, they argue — something more like the anti-tobacco movement.” Cue the terrifying obesity PSAs! Read more on Michelle Obama Is Weak On Obesity, Nation Keeps Getting Fatter…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Puts Kitchen Staff On Crash Diet

By now, we are all aware of Michelle Obama’s “Let’s Move!” initiative, the thing where government officials sneak into your children’s bedrooms in the middle of the night and steal the donuts from under their pillows, leaving behind a combination of debt and misery. But what we didn’t know about was our FLOTUS’ top secret weight loss death camp that she has been running inside her own home: “Four members of the White House residence staff…have lost more than 110 pounds since July 2010.” It’s all part of her master plan: brainwash the kitchen staff and the rest will follow. Sasha and Malia, eat your Halloween candy while you still can! Read more on Michelle Obama Puts Kitchen Staff On Crash Diet…
  it's morning in america

Brave Wingnut Crusades Against Creeping Sharia In Alaska

Sarah Palin’s “Alaska” is already gearing up to dismantle all the unions, forever. But what could make this embarrassing ice colony even more American? Probably a law that would prevent Muslims from honor-killing all the delicate white women, legally, in Alaska court! And hooray, this is exactly what some wingnut state representative wants, and he’s even introduced a bill that would stop “the potential of Islamic religious law — Sharia — from trumping the U.S. Constitution in Alaska courts.” The bill’s author, State Rep. Carl Gatto (R-Obviously), has received hundreds of supportive emails, as well as “phone calls from places like New Zealand, Poland and Israel in support of his bill.” Yes, the Alaska House of Representatives has a mandate from Poland to stop Islamic religious law in Juneau. (What is happening?) In retaliation, a member of the Islamic Community Center of Alaska sent Gatto an email politely asking him to stop being such a dumb asshole … Don’t Tread on Him! [ADN] Read more on Brave Wingnut Crusades Against Creeping Sharia In Alaska… Read more on Brave Wingnut Crusades Against Creeping Sharia In Alaska…
  joining the scooter club

Svelte Dreamboat Rush Limbaugh Slams Michelle Obama For Being Fat

Hey, Rush Limbaugh is a person who is still alive, at the moment! He says Michelle Obama is fat. “I’m trying to say that our First Lady does not project the image of women that you might see on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, or of a woman Alex Rodriguez might date every six months or what have you.” Oh, so she looks like a human being. A human being with enough dignity to stay away from Alex Rodriguez. Rush Limbaugh on the other hand? Totally shirtless on the cover of Men’s Health and often seen hanging on the arm of Susan Sarandon. Read more on Svelte Dreamboat Rush Limbaugh Slams Michelle Obama For Being Fat…
  flotus files

Michelle Obama Is Not a Barbecue Connoisseur, In Case That Was Unclear

Last week, our fabulous FLOTUS Michelle Obama sent out a friendly e-mail to all of her gal pals announcing that the Democrats will be having their 2012 convention in Charlotte, North Carolina. Michelle apparently loves Charlotte, because of its southern “charm,” which is the polite way to describe a southern state when you don’t want to go into specifics, because there aren’t any. Unfortunately, the obese fifth grader who types up our FLOTUS’ e-mails has been spending too much time doing Michelle’s workout plan and not enough time researching Charlotte on Wikipedia, and neglected to consider the fact that maybe Michelle Obama doesn’t frequently go on North Carolinian cornbread binge sprees, and therefore doesn’t actually know where one might find a good order of hush puppies. People are upset. Read more on Michelle Obama Is Not a Barbecue Connoisseur, In Case That Was Unclear…
  game over

Scientists Predict ‘Tsunami of Obesity’ Will Destroy Humankind

Close your eyes and imagine that you are drowning in a giant ocean of human belly fat. Does this image make you unhappy? Too bad, according to scientists who say that we are all going to die in a terrible man-made lard storm. The entire world is facing a pandemic of cardiovascular disease, mostly because of the billions and billions of anus burgers served, and the sugar that everybody drinks all the time, every single day nonstop. “More than one in 10 of the world’s population is obese,” and the United States has the #1 fastest-growing obesity problem! Read more on Scientists Predict ‘Tsunami of Obesity’ Will Destroy Humankind…
  food/booze news!

Not Groundbreaking News: Americans Are Fat

Just eat less?: News alert: Because we are a nation of fat slobs, our government would like us to drink less sugar filled poison and stop eating spoonfuls of nitrates, lard and cat litter, even if it tastes good.  Which in D.C. translates to, maybe only have bacon covered donuts once a month? The superb journalists at The New York Times, ever eager to mock D.C., used the photo from their “D.C. sure is full of fat people” article as the photo for their article about these new dietary guidelines. Aww, thanks! [New York Times] Read more on Not Groundbreaking News: Americans Are Fat…
  the elastic rust belt

In Troubled Economy, Scooter Manufacturing Is Only Successful Industry

Here is an interesting article about fat, old, fat old people and the brave new world of Scooter Law. “We’re going to see more and more people riding around in scooters and wheelchairs,” said Mike Moran, the executive editor of a leading home medical equipment trade publication, “because we’re going to see more and more old people who can’t walk and more and more heavy people who can’t walk.” Read more on In Troubled Economy, Scooter Manufacturing Is Only Successful Industry…
  hooray at least this isn't election news

Fat Employee Sues McDonald’s

This time it’s a BRAZILIAN activist judge legislating from the bench: A Brazilian court ruled this week that McDonald’s must pay a former franchise manager $17,500 because he gained 65 pounds while working there for a dozen years. Read more on Fat Employee Sues McDonald’s…
  rumors on the internets

Gresham Barrett Is a False Prophet, Amen

A policeman punched a teen-aged girl directly in the face — something new for your police brutality YouTube Playlist. [Hit & Run] Nikki Haley overflows with the spirit of Jesus. Then there is evil Gresham Barrett, who is the anti-Christ and moonlights as an abortion clinic. [RedState] Read more on Gresham Barrett Is a False Prophet, Amen…
  disses

JON CORZINE IS TAKING “NEW JERSEY” SO LITERALLY: “Asked directly if he thought [Chris] Christie was fat, Corzine touched his bare head, smiled and said, ‘Am I bald?'” By default Jon Corzine is now automatically governor of eighth grade and certain parts of the South Shore of Long Island. [Ben Smith] Read more on …
  campaign ads

Corzine Ad: Don’t Vote For My Super-Duper Fat Fatty McFatfat Opponent

Oh, how we are looking forward to the midterm elections! They’re the most fun: dozens of close races where we couldn’t care less about who wins, each defined by some hilarious racist remark or decades-old hotel affair or nutty family member. OR — as is the case in this rare 2009 election, for New Jersey governor — weight. “Political experts” monitoring the race between Jon Corzine and Republican Chris Christie have been wondering for a while now whether Christie’s campaign will sink under his massive massive super-fat insanely obese body. The Fats have rarely done well in elections — it’s true! — at least in the modern era, when male fatness stopped being a symbol of wealth and power and Land. So, is Corzine playing the “fat card” against his fat opponent, in his new ad? Read more on Corzine Ad: Don’t Vote For My Super-Duper Fat Fatty McFatfat Opponent…
  pigs at the trough

Obese Donut-and-Dove-Bar Sucking Slobs Deciding Health Care Reform

With two-thirds of the nation officially fat and $150 billion spent annually on easily preventable health problems caused specifically by obesity, you might think Health Care Reform — any of the hundred versions — would start with “Do not suffocate yourself with fat.” Never mind the expensive cancer screenings that may or may not make a statistical difference, a health-care reform package that actually aims to lower the cost of health care in this country should, obviously, start with full-on socialized government control of the consumer food chain, because PEOPLE ARE TOO DUMB TO NOT EAT 5,000 CALORIES OF CORN-SYRUP NACHO-POCKETZ PER “MEAL,” and they are too lazy to do anything but sit in traffic or watch their programs on the flat screen, and dear god have you seen little children lately? How do you get all the kids to suddenly plump up like Augustus Gloop? Better question: How do you not do this, to babies? Don’t ask Congress, because they’re too busy eating Dove Bars and sacks of Doritos. Read more on Obese Donut-and-Dove-Bar Sucking Slobs Deciding Health Care Reform…
  the world is fat

New Study Proves It: Two-Thirds of Americans Officially Fat

Huzzah for the Can-Do spirit of Americans, who continue to just pile on the pounds despite the nation’s crushed economy. Turns out you don’t need much money to become obese! And without jobs, Americans have more time than ever to sit in front of teevee eating another bucket of corn-syrup taco-ball cheezey-poop pasta-bowl Grease Dipperz™. So, let’s all give a KFC double-drumstick round of applause for Mississippi, with a literally staggering 32.5% of its population medically obese. Second prize (a truckload of trans-fat soaked Chocohoglick-brand chocolate-flavored Globulez™) goes to West Virginia, Alabama and Tennessee, each boasting obesity rates of 30% or higher. Read more on New Study Proves It: Two-Thirds of Americans Officially Fat…