Holy baloney, the “2009 Elections” are in less than a week! QUICK BRIEFING: Bloomberg will win, McDonnell will win, New Jersey is a toss-up, the end. The only issue that matters in the New Jersey governor’s race right now is about how astonishingly fat Republican candidate Chris Christie is and whether his insatiable, non-stop search for food will ever get so dire that he resorts to eating New Jersey children, en masse, from a Frito’s bag. His opponent Jon Corzine has been suggesting this as a possibility, and has risen in polls accordingly. Chris Christie is very sensitive about this, so he challenged Corzine to an honesty contest this morning on whatever new thing Don Imus is hosting. MORE »

Last year, even some Democrats liked Mike Huckabee for two and a half seconds because he had “ideas” that went beyond “grind up the bottom 2 percent of earners into Hamburger Helper and give Fred Thompson another tax cut.” He said novel things about looking after the Poors and probably some other shit, who can remember really, it was so long ago. Anyway, after he lost the Republican nomination to an enfeebled Navy guy with a hair-trigger temper and a grifter sidekick, Mike Huckabee formed a political action committee and everybody assumed he was laying the groundwork for another presidential run. But that PAC and its attendant “think tank” organ are now looking pretty sad. MORE »

Poor Southern hobo and the 2008 GOP primary’s most potent premature ejaculation, Mike Huckabee, first made waves on the national stage when his fat ass lost hundreds of pounds on some kind of “diet-and-exercise” regimen. He wrote a book about this and most people read it several times. Even through the hectic presidential campaign, Huckabee made sure to run his miles every morning, to preserve that sexy mass of dangling excess skin he had worked so tirelessly to create. But now, he claims, he is so busy criticizing Barack Obama that he has fallen off the wagon and will soon weigh millions of pounds again. MORE »

HMM MAYBE DON’T EAT RAW COOKIE DOUGH YOU FAT PATHETIC SLOBS: Nestle is “voluntarily recalling” its best-selling “Fatty Fatso Cookie Dough Tubes” because the government says people are probably getting the E coli because Americans are so fucking disgusting they are just squeezing these foul, raw, cold grease poops right into their mouths. [ABC News]

The fattest people in the world got even fatter this year, as the obesity rate kept rising in 37 states and didn’t decline in the other 13 states. Mississippi, West Virginia and Alabama won the triple crown of fat-assery, surprising nobody, while Michigan was the only state in the Top Ten of Fat that’s not in the South, which also surprised nobody. Now let’s see how the Democratic Convention and Barack Obama’s vacation birthplace rate! MORE »

Obviously the best part of today’s much poo-pooed New York Times Magazine profile of Mike Huckabee was this little before and after picture. Specifically, the before part. But if these adorable fat pictures are the only reasons to like teh Huckbeez, his suggestion for secretary of Defense is the latest in a million reasons to fear him. MORE »

Hillary’s hated by everyone, Gore’s apparently really actually not running and Obama’s “unproven” (black). So who will be the 2008 Democrat to lose the election to the Gannon/McClellan ticket? Bill Richardson and his horse! MORE »

• Congressional spawn/hipster Jackie Kucinich loves getting paid to write about bars you’ve been to a hundred times, still hates freedom. [The Hill]

• Someone tell the tourists that a Segway rickshaw is not a chariot, even though it might resemble the motorized wheel chair their fat-asses will be confined to soon enough. [Metroblogging DC]
• The weekly celebrity magazines are there for you when your brain is beaten and tired. [The Oral Minority]

• No reason to get shook, it’s just a little crime. Sounds like someone’s been watching too much of The Warriors. [America Blog]

• Er, rather it’s a “crime emergency.” Quick! Everyone watch The Warriors for survival tips. [Cut DC Taxes]
• Old people and fat asses are your best friends if you just dropped ass on the Metro. [Sarcastic and Cynical]
• 7-11: Too lazy to keep all the slurpee flavors properly frozen and too cheap to give any of their precious colored sugar water away. [DCist]
• Tucker Carlson’s new show has yet to hit its stride. [Two-Timing the Cosmos]

Today’s Cartoons aren’t gonna mercilessly mock themselves. No, that’s why every Friday we invite respected cartoon expert the Comics Curmudgeon over for a barbecue — well, to make fun of cartoons and to burn flags. Just because we can.

In this very special patriotism-choked edition of Cartoon Violence, we celebrate our nation’s independence by mocking its weight and its iconic historical, mythic, and pop cultural figures. Fun in the sun, after the jump.

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