We’re not sure if this is funny or not — no, actually, we are sure it’s not funny, at all, but it is puerile and dumb and basically nobody knows how to act like an adult. (HINT: You walk over to the kid with the fart machine and beat the shit out of him.) [Funny or Die via Gizmodo]

* Sam Brownback figures if he spends the night in jail, he’ll have to get some nutsack to butt-crack lovin’. [Political Ticker]
* Donald Rumsfeld is even in denial about the American Civil War. [Think Progress]
* “Experts” are now “evaluating” Ted Haggard’s gayness. [Pandagon]
* Laura Bush is too classy to slap the bitch that was wearing her same dress — she just had highly trained Secret Service agents go and fetch her another one. [Boozhy]
* “The greatest actor, ever” shares his wisdom on how to defeat terrorism, and defeat it the F.A.G. way. [HuffPo]
* Everything William Jefferson does is shady as shit. [MyDD]
* Noam Chomsky “could fart and it would smell like wisdom.” [Power, Seduction and War]

* Outside the beltway naiveté rears its cute little non-partisan head as most Americans respond, “I don’t know,” when asked who they want for President in ‘08. [The Swamp]
* It’d be nice if for once we didn’t have to say it — Robert Gates is richer than you. [TPM Muckraker]
* The blog-commenter race wars continue as some feriners stank ass forces a plane to make an emergency landing. [TalkLeft]
* Rudy Giuliani: America’s “hyper-authoritarian narcissist with a lust for overkill verging on the sociopathic” Mayor. [Salon]
* William Jefferson is still running for Congress and from the FBI. [Election Central]
* Christopher Hitchens outs himself. [Echidne of the Snakes]
* Happy birthday, Booze! [Hit & Run]

• George Allen’s apology to S.R. Sidarth not actually “from his heart,” instead “from his poll results.” [Hotline On Call]

• Rush Limbaugh uses very accurate stereotype based handicapping system to predict winner of the new Survivor season. [TBogg]
• Bill O’Reilly: “at any volume, he’s noise.” [Raw Story]
• Liberals to become extinct as Conservatives “outbreed” them. [Echidne of the Snakes]
• Jeff Jarvis admits his blog doesn’t get him laid. [BuzzMachine]
• President of Kazakhstan fights “Anti-Borat hard-liners” within his administration. [New York Magazine]
• “Presidential funny bone” tickled by watching new aides try to resist the gas face. [Boston Herald]

President terrified of women, “Washington Whispers” reports… MORE »

• No reason to get shook, it’s just a little crime. Sounds like someone’s been watching too much of The Warriors. [America Blog]

• Er, rather it’s a “crime emergency.” Quick! Everyone watch The Warriors for survival tips. [Cut DC Taxes]
• Old people and fat asses are your best friends if you just dropped ass on the Metro. [Sarcastic and Cynical]
• 7-11: Too lazy to keep all the slurpee flavors properly frozen and too cheap to give any of their precious colored sugar water away. [DCist]
• Tucker Carlson’s new show has yet to hit its stride. [Two-Timing the Cosmos]

* A little help in preparation for Bush’s boys: Karl Rove, meet H. R. Haldeman. [Spot-On] MORE »

OMG! OMG! Lou Dobbs is on TV right now, talking about how the Congress shut down the ports deal and he’s so totally cute that I just want to put him in my pocket! His idealism is all alit and he’s pumping his fists and he’s trying to get Kyra Phillips to hop on the new day in America train with him. MORE »