Tag Archives: farm subsidies

  bring out your dead

Zombies Find Cashing In On Farm Subsidies More Lucrative Than Voting

So the GOP has been on a tirade about combating voter fraud by dead people, even though after spending millions of dollars like the folks in South Carolina, they find out that dead people aren’t voting, because they are dead and zombies aren’t real. However, we now learn that dead people are storing up treasures in heaven, apparently, because they are totally cashing in money from farm subsidies! According to The Hill: Read more on Zombies Find Cashing In On Farm Subsidies More Lucrative Than Voting…
  oh snap

House GOP Drunk Again, Spending All Your Food Stamps On Lottery Tickets, Corporate Farms

We had a good laugh when House GOP leadership put the 2013 Farm Bill up for a vote, certain it would pass, but whoops, it failed instead! In the very embarrassing aftermath, Eric Cantor was like, “It’s the Democrats’ fault that we can’t govern!” because they “promised” 40 votes they didn’t deliver, and Nancy Pelosi was like, “I didn’t know leaking nutsacks could talk, beeteedubs do you miss me yet, Amerika?” And Amerika said “I don’t know who you are, did you hear about Paula Deen? Love her.” So the House GOP’s next bright idea is to go King Solomon on the Farm Bill, splitting off the part that’s full of awesome, market-distorting socialist bailouts and goodies for Farmer-Americans and passing that (because Republicans think socialism is bad unless it’s the kind that helps them win elections), then maybe they’ll get around to gutting food stamps. So what’s gonna happen? Let’s Game It Out! Read more on House GOP Drunk Again, Spending All Your Food Stamps On Lottery Tickets, Corporate Farms…
  Losing is the new Winning

More Legitimate Advice from a GOP Loser: Todd Akin Un-Ironically Discusses Winning

Seems like there are lots of failed Republicans taking positions on what the GOP should do to stop losing all the time. First, Bob Dole had a sad about the Tea Party on Sunday TeeVee, and the GOP was all argle bargle, what a losing loser who lost to Billy Blojob in the 90s. What the GOP really needs is a more recent loser to give radically different advice.  Are there any failed Republicans who couldn’t win a red state that Mittens VanRomneyworth won by 10 points? Perhaps a piggish prick who made statements about “legitimate rape” based on some zany branch of 1950’s whack-‘science’ used to denigrate womenfolk? Then please, we beg you to write a column about how the GOP can win, because you are the exact person who should be lecturing us! Thanks, former-Rep. Todd Akin! Not only are you a legitimate loser, but your post is just crazy enough to ensure that any Republican stoopid enough to follow your advice will soon follow in your footsteps of losing badly and being forced to whore yourself out to WND, just like Pennsylvania loser and famous-for-his-last-name Rick Santorum. And Yr Wonkette apologizes to legitimate whores everywhere for that comparison. Let’s see what this assclown had to say about achieving a victory that he himself managed to piss away! Read more on More Legitimate Advice from a GOP Loser: Todd Akin Un-Ironically Discusses Winning…
  blessed are the hypocrites

Tenn Rep. Stephen Fincher Pocketed $9 Million in Ag Subsidies, Says Jesus Hates Food Stamps

So in our story yesterday on the Congressional debate over just how deeply Jesus wants food stamps to be cut, we missed a tiny detail that is probably worth mentioning. One of the special flowers seeking to slash the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, aka food stamps, was Tennessee Bible-humper Stephen Fincher, who argued against feeding the hungry by quoting Jesus’s message of love and indifference in Matthew chapter 26: “the poor will always be with us, and they will always be nasty tricksy takerses. They takes the precious and we hates them, we do.” Only it turns out that we were unaware of one other delightful factoid about Rep. Fincher, brought to light by the blog Southern Beale: when he’s not busy saving taxpayers’ money by telling hungry children to fuck off and die, Rep. Fincher is a proud member of the agribusiness community, and according to the source of all knowledge, Fincher’s family agribiz has received $8.9 million in farm subsidies over the past decade, mostly from the cotton program, according to U.S. Department of Agriculture data. Read more on Tenn Rep. Stephen Fincher Pocketed $9 Million in Ag Subsidies, Says Jesus Hates Food Stamps…
  real america

Real Americans: It’s Those Other People Taking Government Handouts Who Are The Problem

What are the latte-drinking liberals at NPR up to these days? Oh, just driving around in Real America trying to find out how Real Americans feel about the election. What are Real Americans thinking? What are their concerns? What do they want in a candidate? This is shocking but apparently Real Americans are thinking that America is turning into a “socialistic” paradise and are concerned that too many people are taking “handouts” so they will vote for Romney because he is going to decrease the size of government in vague and nonspecific ways. Also, it should be noted that  the “government programs” in which Real Americans are themselves enrolled are Different from “handouts” and thus not like socialism at all! See, the real problem is that so many Other People are living off the taxes of Real Americans and not working, or alternatively, acting like rational economic actors and discovering that their unemployment benefits pay more than the jobs available to them and are thus disinterested in looking for work. Read more on Real Americans: It’s Those Other People Taking Government Handouts Who Are The Problem…