Tag Archives: farm bill

  let them eat

House GOP Will Return Dignity To Poor By Starving Them

are these the good kind of handouts or the bad kind...?
In their never-ending quest to prevent the safety net from catching actual poor people, the House GOP is once again taking aim at one of its favorite targets — all of the Food Stamps. Invoking Track 4 of their Greatest Hits, the GOP seeks to cut the SNAP benefits, but obviously for the recipients’ own good. Bush crony and Texas Rep. Mike Conaway (R-Fossil Fuels) is running point with all of the Bootstrap Bluster we’re used to hearing regurgitated from Republican congressmen who barely work. Read more on House GOP Will Return Dignity To Poor By Starving Them…
  that's some bullshit

Social Security Administration Just Stealing Tax Refunds at Random, Basically

One time, we woke up and checked our piddling bank account and we were like, “Hmm, extra money, DON’T MIND IF WE DO!” And then our banking overlords quickly got in touch with us and were like, oooooh, sorry about that, we made an oopsie and are now taking that money back please. And we’d already bought a Hoverround, and now what are we supposed to do? Well, it seems the big bad fedrul gubmint is now doing the same, only not so much on the “quickly” part. Instead, the government that asks you to keep receipts of all your taxable thingies occasionally doesn’t do such a good job keeping its own paperwork in order. And sometimes it takes them a couple decades to figure that, okay, sorry we’re not perfect, DAD. The Washington Post tells the frankly infuriating story of Mary Grice, who as a wee little lassie got some Social Security survivors benefits, paid to her mother. Or maybe her dad’s first wife, whom she’s never met. But the feds say maybe, they’re not sure how, Mary Grice’s mom, or someone else entirely, might have been overpaid. Thirty-seven years ago. So they’re attaching Mary Grice’s tax refund now. Read more on Social Security Administration Just Stealing Tax Refunds at Random, Basically…
  gamecockblocked

Kentucky Senate Candidate Matt Bevin Accidentally Thinks Chicken Boxing Is Awesome States’ Rights Issue

Look, don’t go getting any funny ideas about Mitch McConnell’s teabagging primary opponent Matt Bevin being a supporter of cockfighting just because he gave a speech to a pro-cockfighting rally. All he saw on his schedule last Saturday morning was that he was speaking to a “States rights rally,” although maybe all the feathers and cackling in the background might have given him a clue. The event’s organizer, Michael Devereaux, head of the “Gamefowl Defense Network,” said that the event’s sole purpose was to legalize cockfighting: “The movement is about changing the law, not breaking the law,” and about using the democratic process to bring back the simple civilized pleasure of watching two animals fight to the death. By golly, if Matt Bevin is going to deny that he knew he was talking to Chicken Boxing advocates, maybe he should just give some thought to what a fine group of people they are. They’re really the essence of the Tea Party movement, just decent folks who want nothing more than to read their Bibles, shoot their guns, watch their beautiful roosters peck each others’ eyes out, and eradicate once and for all the insulting stereotypes of southerners as hicks and hillbillies. Read more on Kentucky Senate Candidate Matt Bevin Accidentally Thinks Chicken Boxing Is Awesome States’ Rights Issue…
  Are there no workhouses?

States Find Farm Bill Loophole To Feed Poor People; Jesus And GOP Righteously Pissed

TRIGGER WARNING: It appears that several states are following the law as laid out in the new farm bill to… wait for it… help poor people eat!!!!1!1! Oh, the humanity! Are you outraged? Are you clutching your pearls while your panties bunch themselves in a wad? We should have warned for earmuffs for all children, because the level of bamboozlement and chicanery and hoodwinkery should get a Political NC-17 rating, turning up the faux-rage to eleven… nay, to TWELVE. TWELVE WE SAY. TWELVE. Sorry we are breaking such awful news to you. Despite the efforts of the GOP (and all too many weak-willed Dems) to cut food stamps by some $8 billion, states are finding ways to continue to provide food stamps, much to the petulant outrage of the GOP, per The Hill: “I would hope that the House would act to try to stop this cheating and this fraud from continuing,” Boehner said. Clearly. States are doing their best to eradicate child malnutrition, and This. Must. Be. Stopped.  Read more on States Find Farm Bill Loophole To Feed Poor People; Jesus And GOP Righteously Pissed…
  murder most fowl

Cocky Mitch McConnell Fights Cockfighting In Farm Bill, Cockfighting Fans Furious

Cockfighting is a “sport” in which angry, often drugged male chickens, or “cocks,” try to kill each other in “rings” (called “cock rings”) using their beaks, spurs, and sometimes razor blades or other weapons that their owners (called “real shitheel motherfuckers”) attach to their weird, lizardlike bodies. Some people enjoy cockfighting, because it’s part of their “heritage,” or their “culture,” or because they’re “psychotic, dead-eyed monsters,” or for other reasons. Sucks for them, though, because the new Farm Bill contains a provision that makes attending a cockfight a misdemeanor punishable by paying money and/or going straight to jail. You know who else it sucks for? Adorable baby owl Mitch McConnell! He voted for the Farm Bill, which means the Senate Majority Leader is definitely going to lose his next election, according to some dude who is probably an even bigger asshole than Mitch McConnell: “This will destroy Mitch McConnell in Kentucky,” Craig Davis, president of the United Gamefowl Breeders Association, told the newspaper. Whatever you say, terrible chicken man. Goddamnit, we hate it when we are on the same side as Mitch McConnell! Read more on Cocky Mitch McConnell Fights Cockfighting In Farm Bill, Cockfighting Fans Furious…
  and by slightly we mean slightly

A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness

Gentlemen, did you wake up this morning with a little extra pep in your Mr. Peepers? We sure did, because WE FINALLY GOT OUR PRESIDENT BACK! It’s like that awesome hopey and changey guy from 2008 snuck back out and sucker-punched the GOP right in the nards with like a million awesome words at the State of the Union! While we were busy snarkily drunkblogging the speech and the 43 GOP responses, we may have neglected to discuss with you, Glorious Reader, why President Obama’s speech was such a tour-de-force, so grab your favorite politilube, and be prepared to fap away to some motherfucking awesomeness.  Read more on A Slightly More Sober Discussion Of President Obama’s State Of The Union Awesomeness…
  concern troll is concerned

John Boehner Makes Terrible Case For Not Raising Minimum Wage, Great Case For Him Being Dumber Than A Fruit Smoothie

Comrade Barack Barakovich’s announcement that he will raise the minimum wage for workers under federal contracts to the economy-destroying level of $10.10 an hour is already getting pushback from the highest (and drunkest) levels of Congress. That would be John Boehner, fresh off his stand-up tour to beautiful downtown Burbank, CA. In a press conference today Boehner continued the yucks by decrying the tyranny of paying cafeteria workers and janitors an amount slightly closer to a living wage. I used to be an employer. When you raise the cost of something, you get less of it. We know from increases in the minimum wage in the past that hundreds of thousands of low-income Americans have lost their jobs, and so the very people the president purports to help are the ones who are going to get hurt by this. Read more on John Boehner Makes Terrible Case For Not Raising Minimum Wage, Great Case For Him Being Dumber Than A Fruit Smoothie…
  college: ur doin it rong

Heritage Foundation Notes Food Stamps Given To Stupid College Grads Who Picked Wrong Major Like German Or Not Business

From excessive drinking to being high pretty much all the time to a wardrobe consisting of only pajamas, blogging college sure is a rockin good time. And, it helps you get a job that pays money, which enables you to buy progressively better whiskey, hoping for that one magical day when you can afford the stuff that does not come in a plastic bottle! It’s good to dream, kid. But wait! Maybe college ain’t so great after all, because did you know that some college graduates don’t make ALL THE MONIES and sometimes get laid off, and some even are forced to go on food stamps! Well, the good awful folks at the Heritage Foundation are right here to bring you the SHOCKING statistics. It seems that 28 percent of food stamp households are headed by someone who went to college. TWENTY-EIGHT PERCENT, people! That’s, like, more than 1 in 4 people on food stamps (math, bitchez). Clearly, our colleges is not learning students good. Or maybe we should blame the students! Blaming the students would only work if we were really dickish, but we are talking about the Heritage Foundation.  Read more on Heritage Foundation Notes Food Stamps Given To Stupid College Grads Who Picked Wrong Major Like German Or Not Business…
  political ads to bombard your television in 3...2...

Only 1085 Days Left Until The Next Presidential Election, Let’s All Go Die

OhEmmGee, you guys! Remember how a year ago we were all Hopey and Changey Part II and still drunkenly reveling in the streets because Blablack Blackbama was returning triumphantly to the White House and we were finally done with Richie Rich and his TigerBeat sidekick? Well strap on your campaign buttons because while there are only 36 shopping days until the pagan celebration of mid-winter, there are ONLY 1,085 DAYS UNTIL THE NEXT PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION! Don’t care about it yet? No one else does either. But since there are only so many shit-sandwiches we can write about, let’s sexplore what completely irrelevant things politicians are doing three years out in order to get their names in the newspapers!  Read more on Only 1085 Days Left Until The Next Presidential Election, Let’s All Go Die…
  old macdonald had a crop insurance overpayment

USDA Finds Farm Subsidy Waste, So GOP Will Cut Food Stamps

So our little mommyblog has been harping on the Republicans in Congress because of their strong desire to ensure that poor people don’t eat, because poor people are just wasting taxpayer monies by being frauds. Luckily, the USDA (which administers food stamps) just came out with a big honking report on overpayments, and this is surely gonna be red meat for the Republicans: $20 million in overpayments by the USDA! Hoo boy, libruls are gonna have a tough time with this one… hold on… what’s that, Washington Post: In a report released this week, the USDA inspector general said the agency spent nearly $15 million on undue payouts through the Federal Crop Insurance Corporation while issuing no major overpayments for nutrition assistance, including the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program — formerly known as food stamps. Yeah, we bolded that last part because… well, because it’s important, that’s why.  Read more on USDA Finds Farm Subsidy Waste, So GOP Will Cut Food Stamps…
  greta garbo had a farm e-i-e-i-o

Sarah Palin: Get The Government Out Of Our Government Farm Subsidies

Speaking at a place that is actually called “Hefty Farms,” Sarah Palin wowed a North Dakota crowd with her trademark small-government arglebargle: Palin got the biggest applause when she said, “I would argue what farmers need most is for politicians to butt out and just leave them alone.” Palin went on to condemn the recently passed farm bill as “loaded with 1930s-era relics” and said that it would result in excessive regulations. She made no mention of farm subsidies in the bill, which was of course loaded with those 1930s-era relics as well. But that’s a minor detail, and barely worth mentioning — wouldn’t it just make more sense for farmers to continue to get their subsidies without all that burdensome paperwork? Read more on Sarah Palin: Get The Government Out Of Our Government Farm Subsidies…
  the hunger gains

Republicans Vow To Cut Food Stamps In Areas Full Of Lazy Republicans

As the GOP War On Food Stamps rolls on this summer, Bloomberg.com has released a report looking at the political makeup of areas where food stamp rolls have expanded. Here’s a bit of a “surprise”: Among the 254 counties where food stamp recipients doubled between 2007 and 2011, Republican Mitt Romney won 213 of them in last year’s presidential election, according to U.S. Department of Agriculture data compiled by Bloomberg. Kentucky’s Owsley County, which backed Romney with 81 percent of its vote, has the largest proportion of food stamp recipients among those that he carried. This is excellent news for Mitt Romney, because it proves he was able to get the moocher vote after all. Read more on Republicans Vow To Cut Food Stamps In Areas Full Of Lazy Republicans…
  bring out your dead

Zombies Find Cashing In On Farm Subsidies More Lucrative Than Voting

So the GOP has been on a tirade about combating voter fraud by dead people, even though after spending millions of dollars like the folks in South Carolina, they find out that dead people aren’t voting, because they are dead and zombies aren’t real. However, we now learn that dead people are storing up treasures in heaven, apparently, because they are totally cashing in money from farm subsidies! According to The Hill: Read more on Zombies Find Cashing In On Farm Subsidies More Lucrative Than Voting…
  oh snap

These Millionaire Republican Congressmen Who Took Farm Aid Probably Really Needed The Money

Well, Wonkeroos, we have a new, strong contender for the coveted Legislative Badass of the Year award. This nominee enters the competition by calling out hypocrisy from his House GOP colleagues in an awesome new report titled “Pork Barrel Politics.” Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Rep. George Miller (D-CA): A new analysis by the Office of Congresssman George Miller finds that 14 members of Congress voted to continue farm subsidies from which they personally benefit while failing to continue nutrition aid for 47 million Americans. Yep. His office released a report detailing how these 14 GOP Congresscritters have raked in more than $7.2 MILLION in farm subsidies (aka welfare, also aka YOUR tax dollars) while they voted to completely gut food stamps for hungry kids. Hahahahaha, sucks to be poor and not a Member of Congress. Not only did Rep. Miller (D-Honey Badgerville) release this report, and not only did he call his colleagues out by name, but he straight up put photos of each of the offending members on his website, in case anyone was interested, because George Miller DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK. Come after the jump and learn more about these foul, soulless human beings.  Read more on These Millionaire Republican Congressmen Who Took Farm Aid Probably Really Needed The Money…
  blessed are the well connected

Welfare for Farmers Bill Passes House; Food Stamps Not Included Because Poors Can Suck It

So remember when World’s Orangest Speaker John Boehner brought up the Farm Bill for a vote and it failed miserably because the GOP is terrible at governing? Ahhh, good times. Well, as Alex noted a few days ago, the House divided the farm bill up into two parts, so that Republicans could vote just on handouts to Big Farm (who just happen by pure coincidence to mostly live in red states) and put off worrying about food stamps until “later.” Because with unemployment still high, why focus on poor people when instead you can focus on an industry, where according to the crazy liberals at The Heritage Foundation, “Commercial farmers, who receive the majority of subsidies, report an average net income of $170,000, and a net worth close to $1 million.”  The poors can stick to their soup kitchens. In a rare instance of being able to get more yea votes than nay votes, the Big Farm-only bill passed the House of Representatives by a whopping 216-208 vote. All Democrats voted against the bill, because it contained no monies for people who are on food stamps, and Democrats care about the 47% and the 53% and the 99% and all the other percents, whereas the GOP cares only about people with lots of ca$h. So what’s all this mean?  Read more on Welfare for Farmers Bill Passes House; Food Stamps Not Included Because Poors Can Suck It…
  oh snap

House GOP Drunk Again, Spending All Your Food Stamps On Lottery Tickets, Corporate Farms

We had a good laugh when House GOP leadership put the 2013 Farm Bill up for a vote, certain it would pass, but whoops, it failed instead! In the very embarrassing aftermath, Eric Cantor was like, “It’s the Democrats’ fault that we can’t govern!” because they “promised” 40 votes they didn’t deliver, and Nancy Pelosi was like, “I didn’t know leaking nutsacks could talk, beeteedubs do you miss me yet, Amerika?” And Amerika said “I don’t know who you are, did you hear about Paula Deen? Love her.” So the House GOP’s next bright idea is to go King Solomon on the Farm Bill, splitting off the part that’s full of awesome, market-distorting socialist bailouts and goodies for Farmer-Americans and passing that (because Republicans think socialism is bad unless it’s the kind that helps them win elections), then maybe they’ll get around to gutting food stamps. So what’s gonna happen? Let’s Game It Out! Read more on House GOP Drunk Again, Spending All Your Food Stamps On Lottery Tickets, Corporate Farms…