Wonkette

These sightings always bring more questions than answers. Is Tom Vilsack so hard up for publicity that he’ll sit in a window scarfing burgers to get noticed? What makes George Allen think he’s still a member of Congress? Is James Carville sane? Does Donald Rumsfeld need a lawyer for all the reasons we think he does? If Ted Kennedy can get his dog to follow his commands, how come no one else does? Is Chris Matthews sane? Has Norah O’Donnell been watching too much Godfather II? Did Tucker Carlson rub one out to Miss America after their lunch? Keep reading to see what’s making us wonder about this stuff, plus a former congressman who travels with the kind of luggage you don’t carry if you want to get your gayness fixed.

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This week’s Wonk’d hits close to home, as everyone spotted looks spaced out and bitter. Laura Bush’s face lets George know that if she’s gonna be up early she better have a drink in her hand, and Dennis Kucinich may not need that particular poison, but he’s got his own way to relax. Hillary Clinton and Chuck Schumer party at South East’s most deluxe Chinese joint, George Stephanopoulos shows he has almost mastered the art of exchanging money for goods and services, and Andrew Sullivan pays for WiFi from The Man just to avoid being spotted at the free place down the street, and ends up here anyway. These aggravated big-shots and last week’s douchiness explained — if you can begrudge us another click.

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There is no coat in the land to protect you from the douche chills that will travel down your spine upon reading Anthony Weiner waxing eloquent about himself to his famous-for-DC-fucking dinner companion. Wary of being caught in a similar scene, Harold Ford Jr. takes his game to the more fertile dating fields of California. Others living up to their reputations this week: Dennis Hastert bangs down some bangers and mash, Joe Lieberman man-dates through Georgetown, and Barack Obama’s teeth throw off the white balance on cameras all over town. All these plus the last two people you’d ever want to see in an emergency, after you cross the police line.

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Travesties abound this week as Helen Thomas waits in the cold while waves of taxis pass her by, Clarence Thomas struggles to afford a $15 hamburger, and people still listen to anything Dick Gephardt has to say. All this sadness plus a sighting with a really fishy smell and a touch of Alanis-style irony, after you finish your Zoloft.

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Nearly every sighting this week comes from the exact same place, several at the exact same time. Wonkette operatives didn’t even need to use their sharp eyes to spot these old men in a barrel. Apparently, Bistro Bis is the be-seen restaurant du jour. Or maybe it was all along — the closest we come to a power lunch is eating a burrito really fast. But John Kerry, John Bolton, Jon Tester , Jim Lehrer, and Steve Kroft have more discriminating palates. You get all of them, and one Senator too busy working on his abs to respect his elders, by indulging your Mecury-in-retrograde-moon-is-in-the-seventh-house fantasies on the other side of the worm hole.

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It’s a new year in Wonk’d but all the famous-for-dc cats have already broken their resolutions. Laura Bush only made it 3 days before she was back on the sauce, Robert Novak may have been at the happiest place on Earth, but he was still an asshole, and of course there’s Katherine Harris, as you can see, taking to the streets of Florida during the warmest winter ever, in an ankle length fur coat. You get these dandies plus a Member of Congress who loves to stare at members of men, after you unzip.

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No half-assed Christmas puns today, just straight Wonk’d, with Steny Hoyer showing off his pimping skills, Ed Rendell proving he’s a sports fan, Fred Barnes shopping like he could afford not to, and Robert Duvall, who you see here as the same tragic hero you remember. All this, plus the most metrosexual Redskins player, on a team full of them.

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Wonk’d is in a festive mood and the famous-for-DC kids in this week’s installment have been spotted doing the exact same thing you’ve been doing these past few weeks: stuffing food in their faces at a hectic pace. Harold Ford likes upscale chain eateries, Tom Delay indulges his delusions of grandeur by lunching on the Senate side, and actual celebrity Matt Damon drops a few hundred bucks on a dinner he could’ve gotten for $4.99 from a local burrito joint. Lots more, including Dennis Hastert ordering the red and green curry, after you rip open the presents.

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The tipsters have gotten themselves on the “good” list and uncle Wonk’d has loads of stocking stuffers for an early Christmas. These presents might not be as good as the ones Laura Bush was seen buying, but you get what you pay for. Unwrap a jaywalking John Bolton, an over-caffeinated Katherine Harris, an anatomically correct Anderson Cooper, and an occasionally anonymous Dan Bartlett that comes with elephant sidekick, under the tree.

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It’s all cheap asses and skinflints in today’s Wonk’d with Clarence Thomas splurging on sesame chicken for his clerks, John Ashcroft trying to get to The Front Page before the free taco happy hour ends, and David Gregory hassling the hardest working independent booksellers in America. These succulent morsels plus what Mark Warner is still running for, and a GILF you’ve forgotten was still alive.

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