Wonkette

Alan Keyes’ political career has been a constant series of embarrassing failures, so pathetic that even Keyes recently referred to himself as this: “I kind of represent, in political terms, the abortion.” In recent years, his unmitigated disasters include losing to Barry Obama in the 2004 Illinois Senate race by ~250%, sneaking into a Republican debate in Iowa late last year only to complain to the moderator for 63 seconds about not getting 60 seconds of speaking time, and losing the Constitution Party’s nomination a few months ago to some schmo named Chuck Baldwin, a known Paultard. Today, however, we received a press release telling us the glamorous news: “American Independent Party of California Nominates Alan Keyes for President.” Even though he finally won a nomination for something, this surely stands as his most spectacular failure yet. MORE »

Second only to Mark Penn in Hillary Clinton’s Annals of Campaign Staff Odiousness, former Clinton communications director Howard Wolfson is known for precisely two things: wearing a hideous Cosby sweater stolen off a murdered bum “for good luck,” and being a terrible asshole. Julia Reed, who tried to interview Hillary Clinton for Vogue, called him “the most charmless human being on the planet.” And that is only the beginning of the horrors she suffered trying to land an interview with the Inevitable Nominee. MORE »

Our favorite abortion of a politician (and ex-2008 presidential candidate), Alan Keyes, held an interview recently where he confirmed that he is, in fact, an abortion of a politician. Nay — he is the official Dead Fetus of Politics. In his words: “Suddenly last night the Lord shared with me that, Alan, the child that you are defending in the womb…in the act of procreation, people are joyfully, ecstatically, with great pleasure in every fiber of their being, saying “yes” to the coming of that new life. They invite the child in. And then in abortion, they kill it. I kind of represent, in political terms, the abortion. You’re invited in, but they kill you. You’re invited in, but they kill you.” So if Alan Keyes supports himself, then he supports killin’ babies? What a comical genius. Video after the jump. MORE »

Tragic liberal presidential candidate George McGovern lost horribly to Richard Nixon in 1972 and then became an Elder Statesman and endorsed Hillary Clinton like all the other Elder Statesmen in 2007. But now it is 2008, so it is time for Hillary to go under the bus along with Tom Eagleton. George McGovern officially hearts Barack Obama, the McGovern of the 21st Century! MORE »

Remember way back in JANUARY when math-hating yokel Mike Huckabee looked, for about five minutes, like he might win the Republican presidential nomination? Soon you’ll be able to relive the magic all over again, because he is writing a book, about his campaign! He’ll share secrets like how to gain 35 pounds on the campaign trail without even trying; how to talk your wife into putting a paper bag over her head during Jesus-approved procreative activities; and why Chuck Norris would have made the best Treasury Secretary since Alexander Hamilton. MORE »

Wonkette receives lots of tips from crazy old cranks who want us to know that the Clintons were mean to their Secret Service detail, and the Likud plotted with China to cover up Nixon’s assassination. So it’s refreshing to get a relatively straightforward email like the one we got this morning, titled “A Black Reporter’s Assessment Of Obama.” But you’ll never guess who this “black reporter” is! MORE »

Hey you know that handsome black politician who plagiarized Thomas Jefferson and likes to talk about hope? He is like that other guy, so an Obama presidency is as naturally doomed as the Patrick governorship. MORE »

Everybody knows that people wishing to carry out terrorist attacks against airports in the UK must follow a time-honored ritual: they must crash a flaming Jeep into the terminal, and then jump out of the Jeep and run around on fire until a heroic cabbie kicks them in the testicles. Hallowed tradition demands nothing less! Unfortunately, one would-be terrorist didn’t get the memo. MORE »

Hank Paulson was brought in as Treasury Secretary to signal Bush’s willingness, in the tail end of his second term, to work with leaders from both sides of the aisle, and also because Bush does not actually give a shit about the Trearusry Department. Paulson, a shining star in the private sector, has received positive reviews from Washington pols, though he’s also accomplished jack shit. MORE »

Desperate, broke grad students, have we got a deal for you: with a few minor adjustments, you can turn your dissertation into a rich, engrossing history of the political career of million-term congressman Dick Gephardt and receive the prestigious Richard A. Gephardt Fellowship. From his first failed run for the Democratic presidential nomination (beaten by Michael Dukakis!) to his last failed run for the Democratic presidential nomination (beaten by John Kerry and Howard Dean!), his storied career is full of achievements not quite made and goals not quite reached. MORE »