Tag Archives: failures

  george w. gush

Ron Fournier: Judge George W. Bush By His Bro-Ness, Not His Horribleness

Ron Fournier, the bland and slightly repugnant grocery store brand breakfast cereal of journalism, is very concerned with the state of his profession. No he’s not worried about his fellow commentators once again engaging in hysterical nonsense regarding terrorism, as it is the job of a news person to crawl into the fetal position when facing such threats. Nor is Ron particularly concerned with political respondents becoming useful sycophants of the important people whom they are supposedly reporting about. Sending your sources saccharine crush notes or even considering going to work with these fine powerful men is just what is expected for your modern Washington correspondent. No what has been giving Ron Fournier night terrors for the past five years is the possibility that some of his less than enlightened colleagues might look back on the legacy of one George W. Bush and see eight years of miserable and all-encompasing failure. Ron Fournier instead would like folks to focus on the real lesson of that Presidency: that W was a pretty awesome dude when you really think about it. Read more on Ron Fournier: Judge George W. Bush By His Bro-Ness, Not His Horribleness…
  james o'keefe is literally hitler

James O’Keefe: ‘History Will Absolve Me! Also Send Cash!’

Yesterday, as first reported by your Wonkette (<–COPY LINK HERE, LA TIMES), the world rejoiced upon news that the insufferable date-rapey Dennis the Menace clone known as James O’Keefe III had settled his lawsuit with a former ACORN employee to the tune of $100,000 plus one weak ass nonpology. Twitter erupted in a sea of Nelson Muntz laughs at O’Keefe’s expense, and a few former recipients of ACORN assistance (like this person) were able to take an ounce of solace in justice being served against the person who unfairly brought down a truly beneficial organization. But what about the real victim here: James O’Keefe? How is he dealing with his tarnished “reputation,” the prospect of being out six figures, and living as just another used-up old con with arthritis in both hands (he probably couldn’t even get a library card if he applied). Well don’t fret people, if this statement from O’Keffe’s Project Veritas Clubhouse is of any indication ol’ James isn’t about to start carving his name into the rafters anytime soon. Read more on James O’Keefe: ‘History Will Absolve Me! Also Send Cash!’…
  sucker

Mitt Romney Assures Businessman That He’ll Be Lucky Enough To Fail One Day

Oh, how the businessmen rib each other! The businessmen in this case being Mitt Romney, whose “business” career was mostly as a hand-shaking middle man who was always insulated from taking the downside on a financial venture that went to hell, and some fellow with whom he was chit-chatting at an event yesterday. My how they ribbed each other with the language of Capitalists! The one guy calls Mitt Romney a failure, Romney tells him he’ll fail one day — again, this is Mitt Romney telling a potential voter he’ll fail at business one day — and then they all go out for a spot of kip, perhaps, just as Saints Ronny and Tip would. Read more on Mitt Romney Assures Businessman That He’ll Be Lucky Enough To Fail One Day…
  new study proves it

New York Times: Media Stopped Covering Palin Because She’s Washed Up

Hot new scientific data from NYT statistics wizard Nate Silver: “Sarah Palin’s potential candidacy, for instance, is only receiving about one-fifth as much attention as it did several months ago.” And why’s that? Because a cartoon millionaire who just flat out calls Barack Obama an African illegal immigrant is crushing Palin (and everyone else) in the Republican polls. This is why she’s literally begging the “mainstream media” to cover her stream-of-idiocy personal appearances. But the mainstream media is all done with old Failin’ Palin. Not that she ever had a chance in hell of coming close to the GOP nomination — Republicans above the poverty line have always thought she’s a moron — but now there’s no point in even covering her warmed-over clown offerings. Read more on New York Times: Media Stopped Covering Palin Because She’s Washed Up…
  copenhatin

CHINA WILL NOT BE DOING ANY CLIMATE-Y DEAL-MAKING: “In a potentially serious blow to President Obama and Democrats in Washington, who had been counting on a deal coming out of the climate conference in Copenhagen, China has signaled that it is not interested in making any deals, but rather hopes to put out ‘a short political declaration of some sort.'” Short political declaration of some sort: “Fuck you.” [Daily Intel] Read more on …
  the david axelrod of the north

Sarah Palin Just Wants To Help Out With Politics! Why Isn’t Anyone Letting Sarah Palin Help?

Sarah Palin was once elected Governor of Alaska! This is like winning the Nobel Prize in Mattering. So as you can see, this Sarah Palin politics expert knows a thing or two about elections and winning them, mmhmm! It is so fortunate then, that she offered to campaign for Bob McDonnell and Chris Christie to help them out in Virginia and New Jersey, respectively. Except neither one is taking her up on her generous goodwill PR stunt! Meg Stapleton, beta version of a human being, GO: “The governor offered her assistance with both races. The ball is in their court.” It’s like Bob McDonnell and Chris Christie don’t even care about the Going Rogue book sales. [POLITICO] Read more on Sarah Palin Just Wants To Help Out With Politics! Why Isn’t Anyone Letting Sarah Palin Help?…
  no one is listening to obama!

CHICAGO HAS LOST DANCING WITH THE STARS AND THEREFORE ITS CHANCE AT HOSTING THE 2016 OLYMPICS. Gold, silver, and bronze Drudge Sirens!!: The important International Olympic Committee cold eliminated Chicago in the first round of city choosing this morning. In case you’re still invested in this thing, for whatever reason, it’s down to Madrid and Rio de Janeiro. [HuffPost] Read more on …
  america's waterloo

Obama Defends His Mom Jeans

The most humiliating moment in our national history — “America’s Waterloo,” they called it — occurred when President Obama threw that pitch to Albert Pujols like a total sally. Compounding the embarrassment was the pair of high-waisted, pouffy jeans he wore, which will be forever associated with deficit-inflating naifs as surely as a cardigan says “Jimmy Carter.” But President Obama will not apologize for his mom jeans! Today he told NBC, “for those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I’m sorry. I’m not the guy.” President Sarah Palin would never had suggested something so outrageous. [Political Ticker, White House Flickr page] Read more on Obama Defends His Mom Jeans…
  how to waste 45 minutes

A VERY SPECIAL PODCAST: This is a recording of that panel your editor attended a month or so back at South by Southwest. Alas, people shouting from the audience didn’t get picked up by the microphones, so you don’t hear all of Obama’s Web people gleefully pointing out the Republican nerds sitting a row behind them, sulking about the mockery of their earnest efforts to Rebuild the Party. All you hear is one Sara K. Smith whooping with joy for no apparent reason. [Suxorz 2.0 at SXSW] Read more on …
  heroes of history

10 Reasons Why George W. Bush Was Such A Very Successful President

When George W. Bush Junior started that goddamned whining during his Last Press Conference, we wanted to crawl through the television screen and throttle him, right there, while he was still technically president. Tragically, current television technology doesn’t allow this type of full-immersion interactive Wii hate — hurry up, digital teevee! — so we’re still pretty annoyed 12 hours later. Hmm, target for late-night rage, where are you? Ah, Fred Barnes! A comical human dildo, wearing eyeglasses! What kind of ludicrous horseshit could the Weekly Standard executive editor deliver for America, in our Hour of Darkness? George W. Bush was actually a great president, that’s what! Read more on 10 Reasons Why George W. Bush Was Such A Very Successful President…
  galoots

Next Secretary Of State: Kerry Or Richardson?

UGGGH JOHN KERRY. The sad horsey lost his 2004 run at the presidency by issuing a stream of terrible proclamations throughout the campaign, which George Bush’s oppo team immediately made into commercials: stuff like, “I voted for the $87 billion before I voted against it.” He was also dull and utterly uncharismatic and bad at campaigning. After he lost the election, he insisted on spamming every single one of his supporters, constantly, with retarded emails that made them loathe him even more. Read more on Next Secretary Of State: Kerry Or Richardson?…
  snap judgment

Post-Debate Polls Say Obama Won (Yawn)

Ah, snap polls. Here is how they work: A news-gathering organization rounds up a bunch of plumbers, all named Joe, and puts them in a lockbox where they are forced to look at two people arguing for 90 minutes. At the end of this torture session, people ask themselves, “Who blinked less? I’ll go with that guy,” and voila, you have your snap poll telling you Barack Obama won again. Read more on Post-Debate Polls Say Obama Won (Yawn)…
  death

GO GET YOUR MONEY PEOPLE: Collapsing investment banks are yesterday’s news, trendsetters! Now we can turn our attention to the biggest possible commercial banks failing miserably, like, say, Washington Mutual. And when that collapses on Sunday, probably, it will likely drain up what’s left of the FDIC’s insurance fund. The FDIC can always get more money from the Treasury, or we can just have a BANK RUN!!! EVERYONE RUN TO THE BANK!!! PANIC! CHAOS FIRE OBAMA BURN!! [AP] Read more on …
  pyrrhic victories

Alan Keyes Convinces Some Hobo Party To Nominate Him

Alan Keyes’ political career has been a constant series of embarrassing failures, so pathetic that even Keyes recently referred to himself as this: “I kind of represent, in political terms, the abortion.” In recent years, his unmitigated disasters include losing to Barry Obama in the 2004 Illinois Senate race by ~250%, sneaking into a Republican debate in Iowa late last year only to complain to the moderator for 63 seconds about not getting 60 seconds of speaking time, and losing the Constitution Party’s nomination a few months ago to some schmo named Chuck Baldwin, a known Paultard. Today, however, we received a press release telling us the glamorous news: “American Independent Party of California Nominates Alan Keyes for President.” Even though he finally won a nomination for something, this surely stands as his most spectacular failure yet. Read more on Alan Keyes Convinces Some Hobo Party To Nominate Him…
  charmless humans

Howard Wolfson Even Douchier Than Previously Thought

Second only to Mark Penn in Hillary Clinton’s Annals of Campaign Staff Odiousness, former Clinton communications director Howard Wolfson is known for precisely two things: wearing a hideous Cosby sweater stolen off a murdered bum “for good luck,” and being a terrible asshole. Julia Reed, who tried to interview Hillary Clinton for Vogue, called him “the most charmless human being on the planet.” And that is only the beginning of the horrors she suffered trying to land an interview with the Inevitable Nominee. Read more on Howard Wolfson Even Douchier Than Previously Thought…
 

Alan Keyes Declares Self Aborted Fetus Of Politics

Our favorite abortion of a politician (and ex-2008 presidential candidate), Alan Keyes, held an interview recently where he confirmed that he is, in fact, an abortion of a politician. Nay — he is the official Dead Fetus of Politics. In his words: “Suddenly last night the Lord shared with me that, Alan, the child that you are defending in the womb…in the act of procreation, people are joyfully, ecstatically, with great pleasure in every fiber of their being, saying “yes” to the coming of that new life. They invite the child in. And then in abortion, they kill it. I kind of represent, in political terms, the abortion. You’re invited in, but they kill you. You’re invited in, but they kill you.” So if Alan Keyes supports himself, then he supports killin’ babies? What a comical genius. Video after the jump. Read more on Alan Keyes Declares Self Aborted Fetus Of Politics…
 

Famous 1972 Democrat Loser George McGovern Throws Hillary Under The Bus

Tragic liberal presidential candidate George McGovern lost horribly to Richard Nixon in 1972 and then became an Elder Statesman and endorsed Hillary Clinton like all the other Elder Statesmen in 2007. But now it is 2008, so it is time for Hillary to go under the bus along with Tom Eagleton. George McGovern officially hearts Barack Obama, the McGovern of the 21st Century! Read more on Famous 1972 Democrat Loser George McGovern Throws Hillary Under The Bus…
 

Mike Huckabee To Write Book About His Famous Losing Campaign

Remember way back in JANUARY when math-hating yokel Mike Huckabee looked, for about five minutes, like he might win the Republican presidential nomination? Soon you’ll be able to relive the magic all over again, because he is writing a book, about his campaign! He’ll share secrets like how to gain 35 pounds on the campaign trail without even trying; how to talk your wife into putting a paper bag over her head during Jesus-approved procreative activities; and why Chuck Norris would have made the best Treasury Secretary since Alexander Hamilton. Read more on Mike Huckabee To Write Book About His Famous Losing Campaign…
 

Former Ohio Secretary Of State Now Working As ‘Black Reporter’

Wonkette receives lots of tips from crazy old cranks who want us to know that the Clintons were mean to their Secret Service detail, and the Likud plotted with China to cover up Nixon’s assassination. So it’s refreshing to get a relatively straightforward email like the one we got this morning, titled “A Black Reporter’s Assessment Of Obama.” But you’ll never guess who this “black reporter” is! Read more on Former Ohio Secretary Of State Now Working As ‘Black Reporter’…
 

Loser Terrorist Tries Invading Heathrow Airport On Foot

Everybody knows that people wishing to carry out terrorist attacks against airports in the UK must follow a time-honored ritual: they must crash a flaming Jeep into the terminal, and then jump out of the Jeep and run around on fire until a heroic cabbie kicks them in the testicles. Hallowed tradition demands nothing less! Unfortunately, one would-be terrorist didn’t get the memo. Read more on Loser Terrorist Tries Invading Heathrow Airport On Foot…
 

Hank Paulson Already a Failure

Hank Paulson was brought in as Treasury Secretary to signal Bush’s willingness, in the tail end of his second term, to work with leaders from both sides of the aisle, and also because Bush does not actually give a shit about the Trearusry Department. Paulson, a shining star in the private sector, has received positive reviews from Washington pols, though he’s also accomplished jack shit. Read more on Hank Paulson Already a Failure…