Forgotten hairball Rod Blagojevich thought he could finally cash in big with Barack Obama’s Senate seat, but that didn’t work out too well. Then Rod went on every talk show and cable-news program to jabber hysterical bullshit, and that really didn’t lead to riches, either. Now, at the end of both his political career and his brief stint as America’s Diversionary Joke, Blago has signed a very modest “six figure” deal to write an idiotic book. (”Six figure,” in this case, almost certainly means exactly $100,000 — a lot of money, to most people, but a lot less than the $155,600 he used to make as governor of Illinois.) [AP/WBBM]

Our correspondent Garrett Quinn continues to prowl CPAC looking for furries — which is not so difficult, as they’re EVERYWHERE you look at CPAC. But what else is going on at America’s Favorite Comedy Convention? MORE »

SPACE DISASTER SOMEHOW DIDN’T INVOLVE NASA: Some old broken-ass Russian military satellite smashed into an Iridium satellite and now they are both tiny bits of space debris that will eventually cause the Apocalypse — the Russian satellite had a nuclear reactor. [Wall Street Journal]

In an effort to be “objective” and feel like “a big deal,” the Washington Political Press has decided Barack Obama’s 16-day presidency is in Crisis Mode, possibly collapsing exactly like Nixon, late in his second term, right now! The evidence, so far, consists of Obama doing pretty much everything he said would be done in the first days of his first four-year term, including signing several symbolic/significant bills and orders, appointing three actual Republicans to his Cabinet, and steamrolling an epic Economic Stimulus package through Congress that will (in whatever final form) be the most ambitious thing of its kind since the New Deal. So, uh, FAIL? MORE »

John McCain woke from an Ambien stupor this morning and remembered, vaguely, that he also had an email list. Hmm, that ice witch Sarah Palin might have all the wingnut love these days — because she guaranteed a massive loss for the GOP ticket, making martyrs out of the Free Republic/Rush Limbaugh dumb mob (again) — but dagnabbit, War Hero McCain won’t just sit there in his La-Z-Boy. He will make his staff send an email, too. MORE »

Your latest report from the brave yet doomed COMICS CURMUDGEON: “Attempted to get to mall at 7th, were told it was full and we should go to 14th. Now we are trudging through this Le Corbusier-style hellscape. We will end up watching the speech from Arlington, in an Olive Garden, obviously. Sent from my iPhone.” Even elitists need bottomless grease-bread sticks! [Earlier Josh Reports]

America, meet your new presidential limousine, this scary-ass legoland 100-foot-long bumper boat. It is a General Motors Cadillac! MORE »

When George W. Bush Junior started that goddamned whining during his Last Press Conference, we wanted to crawl through the television screen and throttle him, right there, while he was still technically president. Tragically, current television technology doesn’t allow this type of full-immersion interactive Wii hate — hurry up, digital teevee! — so we’re still pretty annoyed 12 hours later. Hmm, target for late-night rage, where are you? Ah, Fred Barnes! A comical human dildo, wearing eyeglasses! What kind of ludicrous horseshit could the Weekly Standard executive editor deliver for America, in our Hour of Darkness? George W. Bush was actually a great president, that’s what! MORE »

Few e-mails — especially press releases! — have ever been so deserving of a Gmail Star. Oh, GAHH, this was for “Immediate Release” and we’re 11 hours late! Sorry! Onward. MORE »

ALL NEWSPAPERS FAILING: Tribune Co. went ahead and declared bankruptcy, which is surely good news for the battered half-dead Los Angeles Times and Chicago Tribune. The New York Times is scheduled to go bust later this week, probably. The prognosis for print newspapers has been pretty grim since the 1980s, but the specific financial collapse of Tribune Co. and the NYT is, like everything, the fault of the real-estate bubble and credit swaps and whatever. [AP/WSJ/Gawker]

Comical freak/Republican Congressman Vito Fossella saw his whole weird life fall apart on May 1, when he was arrested for drunken driving in Alexandria, which somehow led to the revelation that he had a secret baby-mama, and his actual wife and children back in New York didn’t really love that revelation, but being a Republican he just decided to serve out his term in the House, because hey, it’s not like he tried to suck off a cop at an airport. (Oh wait, that guy didn’t resign, either!) MORE »