Tag Archives: fail

  gross republican cheater version of 'sex tape'

VIDEO SHOCKER: Republican Rep. Mark Souder Made ‘Web Video’ (Against Sex) With His Mistress-Staffer

Tracy Jackson, you have made very poor choices in life. You are pretty and reasonably young. And yet you *allegedly* let this gross old Jesus Freak Republican Family Values Congressman climb all over you and hump on you. Also, Tracy Jackson, Fox News reports that you are *also* married. UPDATE: Oh you think you can take the video down, you vile slob? Well we have found another copy. Read more on VIDEO SHOCKER: Republican Rep. Mark Souder Made ‘Web Video’ (Against Sex) With His Mistress-Staffer…
  republican logic

NOMINEES WITHOUT JUDICIAL EXPERIENCE ARE GREAT, EXCEPT WHEN THEY’RE … DEMOCRATS! Senator John Cornyn (Wingnut-TX) thought it would be “very beneficial” to have a bird-brain non-judge like Harriet Miers on the Supreme Court, because she would have a non-judicial “grounding in reality and common sense” lacking in professional judges. But Elena Kagan is a terrible choice “because she lacks judicial experience.” [Political Wire via Wonkette operative “Matt N.”] Read more on …
  el chupacabra

A Children’s Video Treasury of John McCain’s Love For Illegal Mexican Evildoers

Oh here’s Juan McCain and his new friend (?!) the Mexican-Smashing Skinhead walking along the invisible (?) border fence that keeps Juan McCain from returning home to Teddy Roosevelt’s Panama, and it looks like today ol’ Walnuts *doesn’t* like illegal immigration — which is something, really, coming from Teddy Kennedy’s best friend. John McCain invented shamnesty, and just a couple of years ago you COULD NOT SHUT HIM UP about how he was going to “solve” the Mexican Menace by tearing up the Constitution (which doesn’t even *mention* Mexicans) and saying, “Open Borders, Amigos!” Read more on A Children’s Video Treasury of John McCain’s Love For Illegal Mexican Evildoers…
  america's greatest magazine

Kaplan College-Test Company Selling Loser Newsweek Magazine

Famous college-testing company Kaplan is now racing to get rid of all its loser “print journalism” properties, with forgotten newsweekly Newsweek now officially being handed to some broker who will put it out of its misery. (Kaplan also owns the Washington Post, the struggling youth-blogging consortium and holding pen for insane old neo-cons.) But Newsweek is an important media brand, right? Read more on Kaplan College-Test Company Selling Loser Newsweek Magazine…
  new study proves it

Teabaggers Are Just 2% of American Population

America’s most exciting political movement (according to newspapers that are all going out of business) is the Tea Party! Never before has this nation seen such “energy” (fat white people in lawn chairs) or “passion” (racist, misspelled signs). From snowbilly grifter Sarah Palin to chocolate-sucking giant-baby serial-divorcer has-been Newt Gingrich, it seems all the Republican fringe figures who can’t actually stay in office want a piece of the Teabagger Phenomenon. Well, there are not that many pieces to go around. Do not mistake the obesity of a particular teabagger for lots of individual teabaggers. Read more on Teabaggers Are Just 2% of American Population…
  our flourishing economy

Hooray, Global Markets Collapse Again Because of … Greece! (Again)

Let’s check in with the Wonkette Business Desk for our morning economic roundup. U.S. pending home sales are at their highest point this year! U.S. manufacturing orders are at a two-year high! A terrorist plot against New York — the financial capital of the world — totally failed and the suspected/attempted car-bomber was caught by the cops! His alleged co-conspirators were caught in Pakistan! All kinds of bellwether companies are reporting solid profits, from MasterCard’s 24% first-quarter profit to Sirius XM Radio’s $41.6 million profit in Q1 — people must be buying new cars again! So, of course, the markets are collapsing, worldwide, total panic, ARGH SELL JESUS CHRIST IT’S ALL HAPPENING AGAIN. Read more on Hooray, Global Markets Collapse Again Because of … Greece! (Again)…
  techmologies

Meanwhile, the New Improved Facebook Has a New Improved Wonkette Page!

You wealthy tech people with the software and the code and the four-hundred million registered users, could you maybe *beta test* this stuff a little bit before dumping it on the world? Wonkette links cannot be put on people’s Facebook pages now, apparently, because “Warning: This Message Contains Blocked Content. Some content in this message has been reported as abusive by Facebook users.” UPDATE: If this was the case, it is not the case now. Hooray for our Founding Fathers/Precious Freedoms/etc. Read more on Meanwhile, the New Improved Facebook Has a New Improved Wonkette Page!…
  sure go after the guy's dead father

NYT Magazine: Is Mike Allen Weird Because His Dad Was a Bircher?

The “gotcha” part of the NYT “takedown” of Politico/Mike Allen is so pathetic, we feel bad for Mike Allen. Turns out his dad, who died a quarter-century ago, was a wingnut who wrote John Birch crap and was suspicious of government! Sort of like EVERY OTHER DAD IN ORANGE COUNTY, CALIFORNIA. Conversely, Mike Allen enjoys writing about Washington power structures, and knowing the people involved. Outrage? Anyway, that’s the “takedown” that explains this earlier bit (page three? page seven?) about Mike Allen being creepy/private. Read more on NYT Magazine: Is Mike Allen Weird Because His Dad Was a Bircher?…
  oh man what is wrong with these people?

A Children’s Treasury of Boston Teabagger Dorkery

HELLO, SAILOR! Not sure what this fellow is even protesting or if he’s just proud of wriggling around in Mitt’s magic underwear, but it’s safe to say that his Tea Party Shirt has the best spelling and grammar and font of any Teabagger shirt, sign or words scrawled on Sarah Palin’s palm. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Boston Teabagger Dorkery…
  america's biggest liberal

Scott Brown Once Again Supports Lazy Jobless People Who Lost Their Jobs, Because He Is a Communist

Senator Scott Brown stiffed Patriot-Americans yet again on Monday by voting to consider a “temporary extension of unemployment benefits.” This does not sit well with wise cat-hording grandma Tom Coburn, a licensed medical professional from a real state and one of the nation’s leading experts in PRIORITY SCIENCE. Read more on Scott Brown Once Again Supports Lazy Jobless People Who Lost Their Jobs, Because He Is a Communist…
  party of no hope

Romney Beats Ron Paul By Exactly One Vote In GOP Confederate Straw Poll

Well this sounds about right: “Mitt Romney skipped the Southern Republican Leadership Conference in New Orleans, but he won a straw poll of likely 2012 presidential candidates there Saturday. The former Massachusetts governor came in first with 439 votes, one more than Rep. Ron Paul of Texas, followed by Sarah Palin with 330 and Newt Gingrich with 321.” An unelectable Taxachusetts liberal gazillionaire, an unelectable libertarian extremist, an unelectable idiot teevee host and an unelectable chocolate-sucking amoral has-been … it’s the cream of the crop, Republican-style! [AP/Sun-Times] Read more on Romney Beats Ron Paul By Exactly One Vote In GOP Confederate Straw Poll…
  lamers

Hmm Could This Whole Anti-Government TeaBag Mob Backfire On Republicans?

It seems kind of crazy to think that encouraging a bunch of ignorant, racist, paranoid fucktards to hate the United States Government might actually backfire on the Republicans who would like to be in charge of that very same United States Government they’re encouraging a bunch of ignorant, racist, paranoid fucktards to rise up against, but facts are stupid things. Read more on Hmm Could This Whole Anti-Government TeaBag Mob Backfire On Republicans?…
  our new media economy

Fox News Encourages Old Poor People To Try ‘Photoshop’

Cable channel Fox News needs content for its website, but of course Fox News stories consist of some video clips from a space movie, a weird chart with random numbers, and a couple of words like “socialist.” Tough to turn that into a few paragraphs on a web page. And that’s why America’s sad old unemployed people have been asked to make crappy photoshops for Mr. Murdoch’s web concern. Read more on Fox News Encourages Old Poor People To Try ‘Photoshop’…
  sarah palin parking lot

Screeching Dingbat Delights Group of Teabaggers

Oh well, here she is, Miss Also America, proving once again why nobody would give her a job as a local-teevee-news announcer because GAH nails on chalkboard, etc. Your editor almost drove out to the southern Nevada mining town of Searchlight to witness this public-speaking abortion. But, honestly, being in the same town as Sarah Palin once was more than enough. Read more on Screeching Dingbat Delights Group of Teabaggers…
  republicans in the news

Eric Cantor Still An Asshole: Police Dismiss Shot Fired At His District Office As ‘Stray Bullet’

Eric Cantor, America’s Asshole, went on the teevee yesterday to bravely announce he had just been the subject of a Savage Gunfire Attack, so the Democrats better Shut Up about all the death threats and BBQ-propane lines cut and faxes of anthrax. But it quickly became apparent that a) nothing of the sort actually happened, and b) his district office is in a Drug Ghetto where random gunfire is common. And now the police in Richmond, Virginia, have officially announced that Eric Cantor is “a lying sleaze” and that the gunfire in question was a stray bullet shot into the air that bounced off the exterior of his office building, which his district staffers share with all sorts of other tenants. Can we get an old-skool “FAIL” for Congressman Asshole? Read more on Eric Cantor Still An Asshole: Police Dismiss Shot Fired At His District Office As ‘Stray Bullet’…
  email of the day

Person Is Angry On Internet About Process of Democracy

It was only a matter of time (fifteen months?) before a teabagger found out about this vulgar website “on the Internet.” All of us, everyone, will remember forever where they were and what they were wearing when some dumb guy on Hotmail (?!) wrote to your Wonkette and delivered the killing blow: WHY DON’T U GO BACK TO RUSSIA? Read more on Person Is Angry On Internet About Process of Democracy…
  delusions of grandeur

Official NASA Mission Posters Exactly Like Real NASA Missions

What happens when you make a lousy low-budget movie with a story that goes nowhere and outdated special effects? You spend a whole lot of money marketing the crap. What happens if you have a vague understanding of this concept but you work for NASA, with its 1970s jalopy shuttles and its moment of glory forty years in the past? You make the marketing posters, but you don’t really show them to anyone, because they’re embarrassing, but you leave the pdf files on the NASA website anyway. Was the future supposed to be this lame? Read more on Official NASA Mission Posters Exactly Like Real NASA Missions…
  go ron paul

Ron Paul Will Defeat Nancy Pelosi In San Francisco

Republican front-runner Go Ron Paul has endorsed Nancy Pelosi’s opponent in California! Did you know Nancy Pelosi had an opponent in California? It is apparently true. There have been other opponents, too, but none of them had the magic 19-sided-dice power of Doctor Paul. Good-bye, Mrs. So-Called Speaker of the House! Read more on Ron Paul Will Defeat Nancy Pelosi In San Francisco…
  too late bro

OBAMA ANNOUNCES EDUCATION FOR AMERICANS! Barry’s on the teevee, live, talking about schools or whatever. Tune in, if you’re naive enough to think the United States will ever again have a “highly educated work force.” We’ll be lucky if we ever get back to having a work force at all. [White House] Read more on …
  naked under the klan robe

Don’t Forget To Join Scott Brown’s ‘Phone From Home’ Victory Campaign!

Ha ha, who is buying these fancy online ads on FoxNews.com? “You can help Scott Brown from the comfort of your own home (if you can’t attend a local phone bank). Sign up to get your own personal username and password.” Well, okay, if you really want us to do this …. [Call From Home] Read more on Don’t Forget To Join Scott Brown’s ‘Phone From Home’ Victory Campaign!…
  lamers

Sarah Palin’s Pet Wingnut Concedes NY Congressional Race, Again

Doug Hoffman, the wingnut geek who forced the Republican out of New York’s 23rd congressional district special election but then lost that election to the Democrat and then proceeded to concede and later unconcede, finally admitted defeat (again) today, which caused the spontaneous pregnancy of Sarah Palin (again) and the immediate sale of 1 gazillion copies of Palin’s book, I’m Awesome. Read more on Sarah Palin’s Pet Wingnut Concedes NY Congressional Race, Again…
  the kkk ticket will be strong in 2012

Dipshit Who Failed At TeeVee Now Maybe Running For … President

Orange-headed bulb-nosed Mexican-hating fruitbat Lou Dobbs has really only failed at two things: Being a successful television news anchor, and being a dot-com executive. But the Space.com/CNN loser is now aiming to fail on a truly epic scale: He wants to run for president!!! Oh please, Lou, run for president. You can Mexican-wrestle Sarah Palin for the nomination … whoops, never mind, at least Sarah Palin is *popular* with the wingnuts. [Politico] Read more on Dipshit Who Failed At TeeVee Now Maybe Running For … President…