Tag Archives: fail

  our flourishing economy

Collapse of World’s Governments Fuels Investor Concern

Ha ha, this is our attempt at a “business news” headline. (We were never very useful at the business desk.) But there does seem to be some investor concern, what with everything in free fall around the world and especially in the oil-y parts. Meanwhile, in sad-sack America, big companies from Amazon to something that starts with “Z” (Ford? Microsoft?) are revealing the desperate measures they must take, constantly, to stay afloat in this pathetic un-recovery. But at least things are good over in Asia, where America’s owners live, right? Ha, no, “broad based sell offs” started last night. Uhh. Read more on Collapse of World’s Governments Fuels Investor Concern…
  yeah good job everybody

White House Really Happy It Avoided a ‘Media Circus’ With Shirley Sherrod’s Firing

And how did the White House managers react to Shirley Sherrod being fired from the USDA because Andrew Breitbart fucked around with a video he found somewhere? High Fives all around, according to Politico’s Ben Smith. During Tuesday morning’s staff meeting, White House deputy chief of staff Jim Messina reportedly said, “We could have waited all day — we could have had a media circus — but we took decisive action and it’s a good example of how to respond in this atmosphere.” Uh, yeah dude. [Ben Smith] Read more on White House Really Happy It Avoided a ‘Media Circus’ With Shirley Sherrod’s Firing…
  war on war

Robert Gates: Our Confusion & Chaos Should Not Lead Anyone To Believe We Are Doomed

The Pentagon Men are having some kind of teleconference via MSNBC to tell America’s Enemies (TM) that, look, just because we’ve been flailing around in Afghanistan for a decade with no real mission or logic, and just because our U.S. military commander there was an insane insubordinate redneck who ran his own warlord fiefdom based on violent assholes and Bud Lime, and just because we’re sending a new guy who most recently keeled over because John McCain looked at him weird, well NONE of that means this “confusion and chaos” should be mistaken for weakness or failure. So don’t go misconstrue this, America’s Enemies in your own Opium/Allah empire-crushing Central Asian Mad Max-land. Be mindful of the intricacies! Read more on Robert Gates: Our Confusion & Chaos Should Not Lead Anyone To Believe We Are Doomed…
  republicans in the news

GOP ‘Ideas’ Site Quickly Filled With Libtard Crap

The Republicans were so proud of their shitty new website, “America Speaking Out.” They got the finest 1970s NASA computer technology to power the immediately broken & buggy webform — instead of letting the Free Market work by using Formspring or whatever — and then they were sad when a bunch of Wonkette readers filled it with dumb jokes. Read more on GOP ‘Ideas’ Site Quickly Filled With Libtard Crap…
  french farewells

Don’t Worry, the Space Shuttle Didn’t Blow Up Again

Let’s see, we’ve only had five actual Space Shuttles, and two of them have blown up — killing everyone aboard and bumming out the nation for weeks/months — and actually Endeavor was built of old Challenger replacement parts after that shuttle exploded shortly after launch, meaning we started with just four, and half of that original fleet blew up, and it was horrifying. So what’s a good headline for the Atlantis making a safe landing after its final pointless orbits around Earth? Yes, yes, “Space Shuttle Atlantis Boom Adieu” should work nicely. Bonus points for using French, too, so we can suspect terrorism. Read more on Don’t Worry, the Space Shuttle Didn’t Blow Up Again…
  nation of weeping

Dumb New GOP Website Actually a Heartbreaking Document of America’s Devastation

Lots of Wonkette readers sent us this embarrassing new GOP “America Speaking Out” website, because obviously we — as Americans who speak — should go flood this dumb thing with TruckNutz and whatever. Okay, that is a funny thing to do, on the Internet, but oh dear Jesus in Space why did you have to make Americans so ruined and sad? How can we find cheap ‘n easy comedy bits to post here when they’re surrounded by so much awful depressing dull horror, and even polite requests for human decency? For every “All Members of Congress and Senate must be routinely and randomly drug tested,” there are three posts from the jobless and the maimed veterans and the confused old people, all just begging for some help. Read more on Dumb New GOP Website Actually a Heartbreaking Document of America’s Devastation…
  gross republican cheater version of 'sex tape'

VIDEO SHOCKER: Republican Rep. Mark Souder Made ‘Web Video’ (Against Sex) With His Mistress-Staffer

Tracy Jackson, you have made very poor choices in life. You are pretty and reasonably young. And yet you *allegedly* let this gross old Jesus Freak Republican Family Values Congressman climb all over you and hump on you. Also, Tracy Jackson, Fox News reports that you are *also* married. UPDATE: Oh you think you can take the video down, you vile slob? Well we have found another copy. Read more on VIDEO SHOCKER: Republican Rep. Mark Souder Made ‘Web Video’ (Against Sex) With His Mistress-Staffer…
  republican logic

NOMINEES WITHOUT JUDICIAL EXPERIENCE ARE GREAT, EXCEPT WHEN THEY’RE … DEMOCRATS! Senator John Cornyn (Wingnut-TX) thought it would be “very beneficial” to have a bird-brain non-judge like Harriet Miers on the Supreme Court, because she would have a non-judicial “grounding in reality and common sense” lacking in professional judges. But Elena Kagan is a terrible choice “because she lacks judicial experience.” [Political Wire via Wonkette operative “Matt N.”] Read more on …
  el chupacabra

A Children’s Video Treasury of John McCain’s Love For Illegal Mexican Evildoers

Oh here’s Juan McCain and his new friend (?!) the Mexican-Smashing Skinhead walking along the invisible (?) border fence that keeps Juan McCain from returning home to Teddy Roosevelt’s Panama, and it looks like today ol’ Walnuts *doesn’t* like illegal immigration — which is something, really, coming from Teddy Kennedy’s best friend. John McCain invented shamnesty, and just a couple of years ago you COULD NOT SHUT HIM UP about how he was going to “solve” the Mexican Menace by tearing up the Constitution (which doesn’t even *mention* Mexicans) and saying, “Open Borders, Amigos!” Read more on A Children’s Video Treasury of John McCain’s Love For Illegal Mexican Evildoers…
  america's greatest magazine

Kaplan College-Test Company Selling Loser Newsweek Magazine

Famous college-testing company Kaplan is now racing to get rid of all its loser “print journalism” properties, with forgotten newsweekly Newsweek now officially being handed to some broker who will put it out of its misery. (Kaplan also owns the Washington Post, the struggling youth-blogging consortium and holding pen for insane old neo-cons.) But Newsweek is an important media brand, right? Read more on Kaplan College-Test Company Selling Loser Newsweek Magazine…
  new study proves it

Teabaggers Are Just 2% of American Population

America’s most exciting political movement (according to newspapers that are all going out of business) is the Tea Party! Never before has this nation seen such “energy” (fat white people in lawn chairs) or “passion” (racist, misspelled signs). From snowbilly grifter Sarah Palin to chocolate-sucking giant-baby serial-divorcer has-been Newt Gingrich, it seems all the Republican fringe figures who can’t actually stay in office want a piece of the Teabagger Phenomenon. Well, there are not that many pieces to go around. Do not mistake the obesity of a particular teabagger for lots of individual teabaggers. Read more on Teabaggers Are Just 2% of American Population…
  our flourishing economy

Hooray, Global Markets Collapse Again Because of … Greece! (Again)

Let’s check in with the Wonkette Business Desk for our morning economic roundup. U.S. pending home sales are at their highest point this year! U.S. manufacturing orders are at a two-year high! A terrorist plot against New York — the financial capital of the world — totally failed and the suspected/attempted car-bomber was caught by the cops! His alleged co-conspirators were caught in Pakistan! All kinds of bellwether companies are reporting solid profits, from MasterCard’s 24% first-quarter profit to Sirius XM Radio’s $41.6 million profit in Q1 — people must be buying new cars again! So, of course, the markets are collapsing, worldwide, total panic, ARGH SELL JESUS CHRIST IT’S ALL HAPPENING AGAIN. Read more on Hooray, Global Markets Collapse Again Because of … Greece! (Again)…
  techmologies

Meanwhile, the New Improved Facebook Has a New Improved Wonkette Page!

You wealthy tech people with the software and the code and the four-hundred million registered users, could you maybe *beta test* this stuff a little bit before dumping it on the world? Wonkette links cannot be put on people’s Facebook pages now, apparently, because “Warning: This Message Contains Blocked Content. Some content in this message has been reported as abusive by Facebook users.” UPDATE: If this was the case, it is not the case now. Hooray for our Founding Fathers/Precious Freedoms/etc. Read more on Meanwhile, the New Improved Facebook Has a New Improved Wonkette Page!…
  sure go after the guy's dead father

NYT Magazine: Is Mike Allen Weird Because His Dad Was a Bircher?

The “gotcha” part of the NYT “takedown” of Politico/Mike Allen is so pathetic, we feel bad for Mike Allen. Turns out his dad, who died a quarter-century ago, was a wingnut who wrote John Birch crap and was suspicious of government! Sort of like EVERY OTHER DAD IN ORANGE COUNTY, CALIFORNIA. Conversely, Mike Allen enjoys writing about Washington power structures, and knowing the people involved. Outrage? Anyway, that’s the “takedown” that explains this earlier bit (page three? page seven?) about Mike Allen being creepy/private. Read more on NYT Magazine: Is Mike Allen Weird Because His Dad Was a Bircher?…
  oh man what is wrong with these people?

A Children’s Treasury of Boston Teabagger Dorkery

HELLO, SAILOR! Not sure what this fellow is even protesting or if he’s just proud of wriggling around in Mitt’s magic underwear, but it’s safe to say that his Tea Party Shirt has the best spelling and grammar and font of any Teabagger shirt, sign or words scrawled on Sarah Palin’s palm. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Boston Teabagger Dorkery…
  america's biggest liberal

Scott Brown Once Again Supports Lazy Jobless People Who Lost Their Jobs, Because He Is a Communist

Senator Scott Brown stiffed Patriot-Americans yet again on Monday by voting to consider a “temporary extension of unemployment benefits.” This does not sit well with wise cat-hording grandma Tom Coburn, a licensed medical professional from a real state and one of the nation’s leading experts in PRIORITY SCIENCE. Read more on Scott Brown Once Again Supports Lazy Jobless People Who Lost Their Jobs, Because He Is a Communist…