Tag Archives: exorcisms

  Not the Donald Trump kind of alien

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Creationist Aliens Want To Exorcise The Witchcraft From Your ‘Puter

Welcome back, saints and sinners alike! It’s time once again for the Snake Oil Bulletin! Are your souls in need of spiritual cleansing from our old friend Alien Jesus? Are you ready to hear the truth of God’s word as revealed through the voice of a carnival barker? Are you prepared for the majesty that is a pointy-hatted witch praying over a computer to get the viruses out? Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Creationist Aliens Want To Exorcise The Witchcraft From Your ‘Puter…
  Bend over so Phyllis Schlafly can give you your 85 birthday spankings

Happy Birthday Pat Robertson, You Are Not Dead!

Pat Robertson had a birthday on Sunday, and there was a party! It was a very nice party, and just like all balls-out birthday benders do, it had a keynote speaker named Dr. Ben Carson. (Yes, THAT Dr. Ben Carson.) The doctor said many nice words about America’s Jesus Grandpa, like how he is so positive about everything, as opposed to the negative people (GAYS). Also making an appearance in this here commemorative video is the booby-draper himself, former Secretary of State John Ashcroft. Luckily, he didn’t have to drape any boobies at Robertson’s party, they came pre-draped! Ashcroft said, and we quote, that he doesn’t want Pat Robertson to stop using his voice, because “America needs it, and I needs it.” Read more on Happy Birthday Pat Robertson, You Are Not Dead!…
  Making a Killing

The Snake Oil Bulletin: Bleach Enemas ‘n Cream

Fresh out of butt jokes this week.
Howdy-doo, folks! Welcome back to your weekly round-up of the internet’s best in nonsensical nonsense, The Snake Oil Bulletin. This week’s selection will be injected straight up your keister by none other than your favorite salesman, Fare la Volpe, Chakra Wizard and “Doctor” of Chiropractic Surgery. Let’s dive right in to it, or right up it as the case may be. Read more on The Snake Oil Bulletin: Bleach Enemas ‘n Cream…
  also 'the jews'

Wingnuts Can’t Even Agree On Best Way To Hate Fags Anymore

As we at Wonkette are obviously a pro-family, conservative Christian news establishment, we long for the days when Americans of all stripes could come together to show our mutual disdain for the Homosexican Agenda, but now that ‘Murka has gone and voted for the black guy again, our coalition is broken and fractured, to the point that we cannot even agree on the best way to hate the gayness. Marry, fuck, kill? Marry, fuck, kill?! Wait, that is a different game. Here, the argument is “Should we just kill them, or should we try to perform exorcisms on them first?” The wonderful and dashing David Pakman decided to devote a segment of his radio programme to allowing wingnuts to duke it out on this very question the other day. In one corner, we have former Navy Chaplain Gordon Klingenschmitt, who lyingly lies that he was kicked out of the Navy for praying to Jesus in public, and who believes that animals become gay when human gays put Lady GaGa demons in their butts, so he’s obviously arguing for the Bobby Jindal approach to this whole problem. On the other side is Jonathan Phelps, of the Westboro Phelpses, who has slightly less shame and supports a much more Ugandan solution to gayness. Read more on Wingnuts Can’t Even Agree On Best Way To Hate Fags Anymore…
  get thee behind him lucifer

The Devil Accuses Bobby Jindal Of Sinning In His Heart (And In His Hand) To Amy Grant

Behold this dramatization of Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal’s account of the exorcism of a friend that he performed in college. This is just an excellent film, detailed and insightful about the spiritual warfare that aims to drive Lucifer from the bodies of our fellow humans. Read more on The Devil Accuses Bobby Jindal Of Sinning In His Heart (And In His Hand) To Amy Grant…
  (not) in the navy

Why Won’t The Navy Let This Former Chaplain Explain: Evil Spirits From Homos Make Animals Gay

Why did the Navy can this dude, er, Gordon J. Klingenschmitt, just for praying in Jesus’s name? (Oh right, because it didn’t.) But that has not stopped Gordon J. Klingenschmitt from having some opinions on the persecution of Christians by the government because Barack Nobama “blame[d] Jesus Christ” for his endorsement of homosexual marriage by invoking the Golden Rule, and also that animals are homosexual because evil spirits escaped from gays and possessed them, like when Jesus cast an evil spirit into some pigs. Hello, it is called science, why don’t you look it up! RawStory has the raw story on dude just laying down the cold homo FACTS. Marketing, recruiting, homosexual agendas (don’t forget the free toaster!), for starters, turn people who were born straight into icky queers. This is when you perform gay and lesbian exorcisms, obviously. Except that then the gay goes into the animals, and that is why 4000 species do gay stuff to each other. Read more on Why Won’t The Navy Let This Former Chaplain Explain: Evil Spirits From Homos Make Animals Gay…
  republican saviors

Bobby Jindal Rails Against Sinful Debt

How nice to hear from our favorite demon-exorcisin’ castration fetishist fauxbama of the Republican party! Remember this guy, Bobby Jindal? He didn’t run for chairman of the GOP so we forgot about him for a while, but apparently he is still alive and giving speeches. Read more on Bobby Jindal Rails Against Sinful Debt…
  failures

Bobby Jindal Is A Total Wuss, Everyone In Louisiana Agrees & Hates Him

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal, the Indian street urchin who is also somehow a Mexican Catholic exorcist, is 36-years-old and supposedly “beloved” by his backward state, for being charismatic and Strong. He has been a governor for literally -2 hours. The state has chosen this moment to start hating him, for reneging on a campaign pledge in a comical fashion that marks the birth of a new, iconic American Failure. Read more on Bobby Jindal Is A Total Wuss, Everyone In Louisiana Agrees & Hates Him…