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Posts Tagged “exits”

he cheats with his destruction of happiness

Mark Penn, Famous Dingleberry, Lardbot and Spawn of Lucifer, Out as Chief Clinton Strategist

Hillary Clinton's chief strategist, Mark "Bowser" Penn, is relinquishing his position for the campaign and will soon return to his fiery lair in the sewers of Colombia, to eat. He was "pushed out" by campaign manager Maggie "Don't give me no guff" Williams after consulting with the Colombians to forge a free trade agreement that Hillary opposes. Now he's just another fat bum spewing fireballs out of his mouth. Why does everyone hate Mark Penn, you ask? Because he's just kind of a dingus. [ABC News]

liveblogging losers

Huckabee Strangely Concedes Nomination

Huckabee is conceding, by talking about baseball. He is crying too! Aww. Now we remember why we liked him once, before we knew anything about his ideas. More »

terrorists win forever

Mitt Quits, A Nation Sobs

He was a Mormon. Then he fixed the Olympics and liberal Massachusetts. Then he was the Republican nominee for nothing. Always and forever, he was the biggest liar and panderer in American history, but he meant well. The point is: Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan, Reagan Reagan Ronald. SIZE DOES MATTER.

mittens

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

This can’t be happening! It’s a sad day for Humor. Better get started on the obit. [The Page]

john edwards quits

John Edwards Accepts Bronze Medal After Year of Denial



John Edwards gave his withdrawal speech today from New Orlean’s Lower Ninth Ward — where he first announced his campaign, and where everyone is voting for Barack Obama because, well, you know. On his way to the speech, Edwards even abandoned the media to visit the homeless in New Orleans’ tent city. I guess that was a nice thing to do. More »

john edwards quits

THE CORPORATES WIN, FREE DEATH FOR ALL

John Edwards will end his 49th run for president Wednesday after failing to capitalize on his angry hobo-under-the-bridge message. He will make his announcement at 1 p.m. EST from New Orleans, where he will probably tell us to go fuck ourselves for being apathetic to Insurance Companies, his campaign’s central theme. It is not clear whether he will endorse either candidate. [AP/Breitbart]

elfin queen

Famous Liz Kucinich Accompanies Husband To Some Work Function

Yesterday, Elizabeth Kucinich accompanied her husband, a politician of some sort, to a speech about something. Elizabeth stood in the crowd and maybe text-messaged some friends on her cell phone. It’s not any major Elizabeth Kucinich news, but we thought you should know how Elizabeth spent her day yesterday.

CAN ELIZABETH STILL RUN?: Burdened hobbit Dennis Kucinich has dropped out of the presidential race, presumably to spend more time with his elfin queen Elizabeth. We’ll miss you, Elizabeth! [Cleveland Plain Dealer]

the end of fred

Mourning Foxy Old Dilettante Fred Thompson

I’ll miss him. I’ll miss Fred Thompson and I’m not ashamed of that. Do I want him to be president? Mormon Jesus, no. But ever since Fred joined in September — looking like a primo Bushian dumbhack who’d tout his lack of knowledge about anything to connect with “people” — he’s fallen to, say, third or fourth or possibly fifth among Republican candidate antichrists. More »

FRED’S CAMPAIGN BEEN DONE: It’s confirmed: Grampa Fred “Dipshit McGoo” Thompson, the laziest man ever and lover to tadpoles of all sizes, has dropped out of the presidential race. [MSNBC]

losers

Duncan Hunter FINALLY Quits

Presidential candidate for the Republicans Rep. Duncan Hunter has exited the race. We’ll miss his constant terrorist chatter about 864-mile walls he would build and Chinese people cheating at life. Hey, Duncan, yeah you, please, one second of your time, just hear us out: Haha bye. [CNN]

don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out

Tancredo Exits Stage Right - UPDATED

Putting to rest any remaining speculation that he is completely delusional about his place on the American political scene, Congressman Tom Tancredo dropped his bid for the Presidency, saying he realized he wasn’t going to win Iowa. He told Neil Cavuto “We accomplished everything we set out to do, except win the Presidency,” because he saw Giuliani running a border security commercial He’s throwing his “support” behind the illegal-immigrant employing, Mexican Mormon descended Mitt Romney. [CNN]

Updated after the jump with a video clip from his Cavuto interview, so you can cry along with the Minutemen who still don’t trust Huckabee to shoot enough Mexicans to make a difference. More »