Tag Archives: exits

  goodbye forever

Newt Gingrich Drops Out To Spend More Time With His Creditors

Newt Gingrich was just on the teevee talking about the moon, jobs, Kaiser Wilhelm, Mitt Romney, Barack Obama, cocaine and methamphetamine, amnesia, his grandchildren, Ellis the Elephant, dropping out of the Republican presidential nominating contest, and everything else he has ever thought about for half-a-second since 1968. He has had a marvelous run. What now? Aside from harassing college students nationwide, Newt will be spending some lovely time with his creditors, whom he owes millions of dollars. Read more on Newt Gingrich Drops Out To Spend More Time With His Creditors…
  oh well that only took a year

SO LONG, RELIABLE MONDAY POST TOPIC!: Sunday night news dud! Discreetly tucked away in italics at the bottom of this latest crap about Ronald Reagan and whatever: “This is William Kristol’s last column.” Jesus, New York Times, don’t get so excitable like that! FURTHER ANALYSIS IN THE MORROW… [NYT] Read more on …
  maudlin spectacles

Bush Staffers Exit Sadly

Barack Obama’s transition team has been preparing for months to take over the government, but George Bush’s people aren’t quite ready to let go. They haz a sad, because they worked in this place for this guy for like eight years, and now they have to go back to their regular babysitting gigs or grad school or whatever. Perhaps, like many of us, they’ll just live on unemployment as long as it keeps them in diapers and Cheetos. Read more on Bush Staffers Exit Sadly…
 

Hillary Clinton’s Late For Her Own Graduation!

Welcome to Wonkette’s Hillary Clinton Graduation Pool Party! We have many “hot dogs” for you to eat, and Miller High Life for the adults. But oh, where is the graduate herself, Hillary Clinton? According to the teevee, she is “at least 10 minutes late.” And she’s supposed to deliver the commencement address, just like she did at Wellesley in 1969, a speech bursting with such Boomer idealism and brilliance that it made her national headlines. And then she married Bill Clinton, a shit. Let’s liveblog Hillary’s second commencement address, in which she will endorse Barack Obama, and start her Second Life. Read more on Hillary Clinton’s Late For Her Own Graduation!…
 

YOU’RE ALL INVITED TO WONKETTE’S HILLARY CLINTON POOL PARTY: Tomorrow, Washington, D.C. will reach a heat index of 105 degrees, Fahrenheit. You will not be able to play outside, so you might as well watch Hillary’s big farewell speech in which she will endorse Senator Barack Obama, depending on your interpretation of “endorse” (shoot?). The speech is planned for noon, and your Wonkette will be here to liveblog it, since we’ll already have been awake for five hours watching Cartoons. Join! Read more on …
 

Too Much Last-Minute Fake News! Time For A Bulleted List

We will be back tonight to provide more blog laffs as we cover the Montana and South Dakota primaries, the final two in this Historic Election between an Historic Black Person and an Historic Woman. Until then, check out the latest gossip and “news” surrounding this End of this Historic Primary Election in History, after the Historic Jump. Read more on Too Much Last-Minute Fake News! Time For A Bulleted List…
 

A Children’s Treasury Of Hilarious Comments About The AP On Hillary’s Blog

This morning, the Associated Press wrote that Hillary would concede the delegate race to Barack Obama tonight, which is very nearly the same thing as “conceding the race.” The Clinton campaign then called this story 100% false and said Hillary won’t be concedin’ nothin’ tonight. And since Hillary’s rabid loyalists are already peeved with the media’s coverage of the campaign, the AP’s little “gambit” here has set off quite a storm on Hillary Clinton’s official “blog,” in the comments. An arbitrary selection of the best comments, after the jump. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Hilarious Comments About The AP On Hillary’s Blog…
 

It’s Over?! (UPDATE: No!)

“WASHINGTON – Hillary Rodham Clinton will concede Tuesday night that Barack Obama has the delegates to secure the Democratic nomination, campaign officials said, effectively ending her bid to be the nation’s first female president.” But! Read more on It’s Over?! (UPDATE: No!)…
 

Is Our Hillary Going To Drop Out Or Not? Someone Find Out!

Can Obama do it? Can Hillary force herself to lose? Every reporter in the country is scanning e-mails, harassing sources, divining from “expense reports,” following travel schedules, monitoring clandestine superdelegate meetings, et cetera et cetera and so forth, to see what’s gonna happen tomorrow. Here’s a bulleted list of tea leaves being read. Our guess? Hillary herself has not even considered making a plan yet. Read more on Is Our Hillary Going To Drop Out Or Not? Someone Find Out!…
 

Marc Dann Finally Resigns

Jesus, this clown. Our favorite sexually-harassing lover of women and Hawaiian pizza, Democratic Ohio Attorney General Marc Dann, resigned yesterday after the Democratic legislature introduced nine counts of impeachment. Quitter. [New York Times] Read more on Marc Dann Finally Resigns…
 

Mark Penn, Famous Dingleberry, Lardbot and Spawn of Lucifer, Out as Chief Clinton Strategist

Hillary Clinton’s chief strategist, Mark “Bowser” Penn, is relinquishing his position for the campaign and will soon return to his fiery lair in the sewers of Colombia, to eat. He was “pushed out” by campaign manager Maggie “Don’t give me no guff” Williams after consulting with the Colombians to forge a free trade agreement that Hillary opposes. Now he’s just another fat bum spewing fireballs out of his mouth. Why does everyone hate Mark Penn, you ask? Because he’s just kind of a dingus. [ABC News] Read more on Mark Penn, Famous Dingleberry, Lardbot and Spawn of Lucifer, Out as Chief Clinton Strategist…
 

Huckabee Strangely Concedes Nomination

Huckabee is conceding, by talking about baseball. He is crying too! Aww. Now we remember why we liked him once, before we knew anything about his ideas. 9:22 — Thanks to my wife, who did most of the work for me, as well as the other three campaign staffers. 9:24 — DING DING DING DRUDGE SIREN DING: It is St. Paul, St. Paul is how he awkwardly brings Jesus into this speech. He told Mike Huckabee to try hard at becoming president. 9:25 — A mother grew up in a dirt house in Arkansas when she was very little. Was someone’s mother. She was my mother. And now her son is a failure. 9:26 — A person in a wheelchair was so inspired by me that he found a way to give me money. How can anyone in a wheelchair give money? That’s how good I am. 9:28 — “We need to implement the Fair Tax.” Aaaaand that’s why you lost. That and the whole lack of money. 9:29 — Remember his obession with horse-fucking? 9:31 — And now, some beautiful poetry from Mike Huckabee. 9:31 — The Alamo. 9:31 — Fell. 9:31 — To Mexicans. 9:32 — I fell to a Mexican too. 9:32 — John McCain is a winding road. 9:32 — Listen to the judge. 9:32 — “He is dancing, dancing. He says that he will never die.” Read more on Huckabee Strangely Concedes Nomination…
 

Mitt Quits, A Nation Sobs

newVideoPlayer("mitt_leaves.flv", 463, 387,"");He was a Mormon. Then he fixed the Olympics and liberal Massachusetts. Then he was the Republican nominee for nothing. Always and forever, he was the biggest liar and panderer in American history, but he meant well. The point is: Ronald Reagan. Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan, Reagan Reagan Ronald. SIZE DOES MATTER. Read more on Mitt Quits, A Nation Sobs…
 

John Edwards Accepts Bronze Medal After Year of Denial

John Edwards gave his withdrawal speech today from New Orlean’s Lower Ninth Ward — where he first announced his campaign, and where everyone is voting for Barack Obama because, well, you know. On his way to the speech, Edwards even abandoned the media to visit the homeless in New Orleans’ tent city. I guess that was a nice thing to do. Read more on John Edwards Accepts Bronze Medal After Year of Denial…
 

THE CORPORATES WIN, FREE DEATH FOR ALL

John Edwards will end his 49th run for president Wednesday after failing to capitalize on his angry hobo-under-the-bridge message. He will make his announcement at 1 p.m. EST from New Orleans, where he will probably tell us to go fuck ourselves for being apathetic to Insurance Companies, his campaign’s central theme. It is not clear whether he will endorse either candidate. [AP/Breitbart] Read more on THE CORPORATES WIN, FREE DEATH FOR ALL…
 

Famous Liz Kucinich Accompanies Husband To Some Work Function

newVideoPlayer("Kucinich_Quits_Snapper.flv", 475, 376,"");Yesterday, Elizabeth Kucinich accompanied her husband, a politician of some sort, to a speech about something. Elizabeth stood in the crowd and maybe text-messaged some friends on her cell phone. It’s not any major Elizabeth Kucinich news, but we thought you should know how Elizabeth spent her day yesterday. Read more on Famous Liz Kucinich Accompanies Husband To Some Work Function…
 

*CAN ELIZABETH STILL RUN?:* Burdened hobbit Dennis Kucinich has dropped out of the presidential race, presumably to spend more time with his elfin queen Elizabeth. We’ll miss you, Elizabeth! [Cleveland Plain Dealer] Read more on …
 

Mourning Foxy Old Dilettante Fred Thompson

I’ll miss him. I’ll miss Fred Thompson and I’m not ashamed of that. Do I want him to be president? Mormon Jesus, no. But ever since Fred joined in September — looking like a primo Bushian dumbhack who’d tout his lack of knowledge about anything to connect with “people” — he’s fallen to, say, third or fourth or possibly fifth among Republican candidate antichrists. Read more on Mourning Foxy Old Dilettante Fred Thompson…
 

*FRED’S CAMPAIGN BEEN DONE:* It’s confirmed: Grampa Fred “Dipshit McGoo” Thompson, the laziest man ever and lover to tadpoles of all sizes, has dropped out of the presidential race. [MSNBC]
 

Duncan Hunter FINALLY Quits

Presidential candidate for the Republicans Rep. Duncan Hunter has exited the race. We’ll miss his constant terrorist chatter about 864-mile walls he would build and Chinese people cheating at life. Hey, Duncan, yeah you, please, one second of your time, just hear us out: Haha bye. [CNN] Read more on Duncan Hunter FINALLY Quits…
 

Tancredo Exits Stage Right – UPDATED

Putting to rest any remaining speculation that he is completely delusional about his place on the American political scene, Congressman Tom Tancredo dropped his bid for the Presidency, saying he realized he wasn’t going to win Iowa. He told Neil Cavuto “We accomplished everything we set out to do, except win the Presidency,” because he saw Giuliani running a border security commercial He’s throwing his “support” behind the illegal-immigrant employing, Mexican Mormon descended Mitt Romney. [CNN] Updated after the jump with a video clip from his Cavuto interview, so you can cry along with the Minutemen who still don’t trust Huckabee to shoot enough Mexicans to make a difference. Read more on Tancredo Exits Stage Right – UPDATED…