Wonkette

Now that “Pennsylvania is the new Iowa,” and the Democratic party is dead-set on making everyone hate politics even more, John McCain is going to pretend to be a senator again! Has he already forgotten that he is running for president? Or maybe he thought he never left the Mexican Hanoi Hilton where he was tortured as a baby during the Spanish Civil War? All of these things are true, and this is why he now plans on taking a 10-day “congressional delegation” trip to socialist Europe and communist Middle East. MORE »

American “rock star” and sometime Presidential candidate Barack Obama has made a big splash in the United States with his smooth baritone voice, winning smile, and sexy dance moves. Now he’s charming his way into the hearts of Europeans who, after bitter Hasselhoff-related disappointments, are looking for a new American hero. MORE »

Crazy Vegas/European gamblerholics have been following the polls and Wonkette’s trenchant commentary closely to set odds for our next president. Some dude from Bloomberg News has aggregated the bookies’ thoughts, and he’s got Hillary at 3 to 1. It’s the first time Hillary’s faced 3 to 1 since that wild first year of marriage with Bill. MORE »

Former Ukrainian Prime Minister Yulia Tymoshenko is claiming victory in Sunday’s national elections (in Ukraine) and the Orange Revolution blah blah blah oh my god she is still smoking hot. She’s kind of goth and habitually wears this weird “crown of hair” hairstyle — known locally as the “Yulia,” which means her name in Ukrainian — but we still support Ms. Tymoshenko as the world’s finest PMILF.

Her beauty is yet another tragic example of what experts call “The Slavic Curse,” in which all the women are impossible babes and all the men look like Yeltsin, and even the rare handsome politician is immediately poisoned to make him look like this. Anyway, good luck with whatever your party stands for, Yulia!

Opposition Claims Victory in Ukraine [NYT]

Cheer up, Americans! You aren’t just overweight illiterate underemployed TV addicts with $25,000 in credit card bills and a house worth less than you owe — you’re also short! The shortest people in the industrialized world, in fact. MORE »

We keep trying to build a big useless threatening mysterious missile defense system in Eastern Europe, and our bestest ally ever Vladimir Putin doesn’t seem to care for it. So he recently said he was going to point all of Russia’s decaying, decrepit nuclear missiles back at Europe. MORE »

If you see a disheveled teen-aged panda around Union Station, stinking of urine and crack fumes, that’s the once-popular Butterstick. Everybody knows babies don’t stay “adorable” for long, but the burn rate is even faster for our animal friends because they live “dog years” or something. And there’s always a new, younger, cuter animal ready to take the title of World’s Most Adorable Critter. MORE »

Fareed, we know you’re not from there, but take our word for it: Europe is way older than 50. Seriously, David Ignatius up there with you? He’s like 56 and he’s only showing the first signs of continental drift and erosion — dude hasn’t even reached the age of mercantlism yet! MORE »

Europe is stunned: it seems that some terrorists might not be swarthy Arab types! Some might even be pretty girls! This is leading them to think about giving up on profiling when it comes to identifying potential terrorists. Thankfully, we don’t have to have that conversation here in the US of A. Our realistic depictions of terrorism on television and in movies have conclusively proved that terrorists are either really foreign-looking or played by John Malkovich. MORE »

Hoping to stop a Nixonian political comeback, a Serbian man went to the grave of war criminal Slobodan Milosevic on Saturday night and hammered a wooden stake through the dead strongman’s heart. MORE »