Tag Archives: europe

  Reality Be Damned

Tennessee Republicans Solve Pressing Problem Of Muslim No-Go Zones. In Tennessee.

A Tennessee representative has introduced a bill to outlaw those Muslimy “no-go zones,” which you may remember are not actually real. Of course that doesn’t much matter, because never let reality get in the way of a good dog whistle. The bill was introduced by state Rep. Susan Lynn (R-Fox News), and defines a no-go zone as: Read more on Tennessee Republicans Solve Pressing Problem Of Muslim No-Go Zones. In Tennessee….
  friends in low places

Secret Service Agents Pass Out Drunk In Netherland Hotel, Think They’re Bloggers

Are you fond of traveling to exotic locations and having sexytimes with hookers? Do you drink on the job? Have you recently been to Western Europe and drunk until you passed out in a hotel? Then perhaps you should consider an exciting career protecting the President of the United States as a Secret Service agent! Apply today! Read more on Secret Service Agents Pass Out Drunk In Netherland Hotel, Think They’re Bloggers…
  not russian into anything

Rand Paul Would Solve Ukraine Crisis By Drilling Everywhere For Oil, Because Shut Up Is Why

CPAC Straw Poll winner Rand Paul proved his serious leadership mojo Sunday, telling Fox News Sunday host Chris Wallace that if he were president, he knows exactly what he’d do in response to Russia’s invasion of Crimea: “I would do something differently from the president,” Paul said. “I would immediately get every obstacle out of the way for our export of oil and gas, and I would begin drilling in every possible conceivable place within our territories in order to have production we can supply Europe with if it’s interrupted from Ukraine.” Apparently no one told Mr. Paul that drilling oil and gas wells is a wee bit more complex than turning on a tap — we are not geological engineers, but we are fairly certain that it takes a little while, like at least longer than getting your car’s heater to really warm you up on a cold day, we bet. Read more on Rand Paul Would Solve Ukraine Crisis By Drilling Everywhere For Oil, Because Shut Up Is Why…
  Part 12: Oh What a Lovely War

Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Textbook To Make The World Safe For Theocracy

Welcome to the 20th Century, time tourists! Our 10th-grade textbook for homeschoolers, World History and Cultures In Christian Perspective, would like to remind you that while science and technology are developing like crazy in this new century, the world remains a very very sinful place that has unaccountably failed to adhere to the unchanging norms of Biblical Christianity, at least as they are defined by textbook publishers in Pensacola Florida in 1997: Civilization had progressed so far by the beginning of the 20th century that it seemed the world could only get better and better. Little did people realize that on the horizon loomed two of the greatest wars the world had ever known. “Foolish Hu-mans!” you can almost hear the editors laughing. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: A ‘World History’ Textbook To Make The World Safe For Theocracy…
  how rude!

Mitt Romney Now Losing Friends And Alienating People In Olde Anglo-Saxon-Lande Too

Oh Mitt Romney, please stop making us feel sorry for you. You go to Yurp so you can be a Celebrity Rock Star like Obama was in 2008, and “project leadership,” and everywhere you go, you make people hate you. What jerk thing came out of your mouth this time? Oh, just that London was probably going to do a crap job with its Olympics, is all. “Do they come together and celebrate the Olympic moment? That’s something which we only find out once the Games actually begin,” [Romney] said. “It’s hard to know just how well it will turn out. There are a few things that were disconcerting. “The stories about the private security firm not having enough people, the supposed strike of the immigration and Customs officials – that obviously is not something which is encouraging.” The remarks were greeted with anger, with many British supporters of the Games taking to Twitter to accuse Mr Romney of being graceless and rude. Read more on Mitt Romney Now Losing Friends And Alienating People In Olde Anglo-Saxon-Lande Too…
  eating your liver with a nice chianti

Around The World With Lloyd Dangle: How The European Debt Crisis Is Like Grease Through A Goose

(Paris) Ah, the enchantment –– the boulevards, the catacombs, the long lines of tourists, the little dogs and the charming messes they leave on the pavement. I’m here in The City of Light wearing my red-white-and-blue monster truck cap with the words “American Debt Crisis Observer” embroidered on it. In the sidewalk cafes I notice the French people shying away from me, due, obviously, to their deep embarrassment over the crisis and their inability to speak perfect English. I assure them that even though I’m visiting from the country most loved by God I’m not here to pass judgement. French people generally agree that the Greeks are irresponsible mouth-breathers who don’t like to work but love to spend the money they borrowed recklessly from well-intentioned banks (just like Floridians). So they deserve to have their minimum wage cut by 20%, their government workers fired by the thousands, their pensions raided, their small businesses bankrupted, and their suicide rate up 40%. Take that, lazy souvlaki eaters! Welcome to what we call the lesson of Wisconsin. Read more on Around The World With Lloyd Dangle: How The European Debt Crisis Is Like Grease Through A Goose…
  end of the world as he knows it

Around The World With Lloyd Dangle At The End Of The World

Things may suck here in the United States, but they’re wayyyy screwed in Europe. Chancellors, Presidents, Prime Ministers, Kings and Dukes have been convening summits weekly trying to figure out what to do about the hemorrhaging debt crisis. The steps taken so far, bailing out Portugal, Ireland, Greece and now Spain have been the kind of foot-dragging, head-burying half-measures that have long given Europeans the reputation for being pussies. It even made President Obama wag his finger disapprovingly and give them a nasty scolding. It could be, as the Wall Street Journal imaginatively called it, Europe’s ‘Last Chance Saloon’ when the gunslingers meet later this week in Brussels. With the Germans being total dicks about the whole situation, anything short of a miracle will likely result in credit defaults, total disintegration of the European Union, upheaval in the bond markets, runs on banks, hyper-inflation, and a global financial meltdown on a scale not seen since the 1930s, if ever. Thankfully I’m aboard a jet to The Continent right now –– intrepid cartoonist, journalist –– with my comfy docksiders, sketchbooks, and an iPad full of language translation apps –– on exclusive assignment for your Wonkette. There’ll be a lot of hard drinking and risky behavior of the type that goes on in any world hot spot during civilization changing events, but presumably I’ll have an endless supply of good coffee and buttery croissants so it won’t exactly be Syria. I’ll be giving you micro and macro lessons in global economics while on the ground revealing the horrors faced by your average cheese-shoveling Parisienne, your indebted goat-herding Greek, your bureaucratic Italian ticket-taker, and your hyper-efficient tightened-butt-cheeks German hersteller. Read more on Around The World With Lloyd Dangle At The End Of The World…
  rumors on the internets

Americans Are Becoming Facebook-Addicted Europeans

This morning, let’s learn about how food is turning robotic, Facebook is turning us into addicts, and the economy is turning us European. I’m pretty sure exactly none of those things would make sense a hundred years ago. Read more on Americans Are Becoming Facebook-Addicted Europeans…
  flotus files

Queen of Italy Michelle Obama Will Receive Free Olive Oil Forever

So we all know by now that our First Lady Michelle Obama hates Oprah and taunted her with pie, or whatever, who cares. Our FLOTUS really has no time for ridiculous accusations, because in case you haven’t noticed, we have an obesity crisis on our hands. Michelle Obama is hard at work trying to stop this disgusting epidemic, and this week, invited another group of children to the White House, this time to talk about America’s least favorite sport: soccer! That underwear model David Beckham was there, as well as his team, whatever it’s called. Well, the Europeans must have really liked this soccer nonsense, because today, a province in southern Italy decided to dedicate a tree to our FLOTUS. Of course, in our country we prefer to name stadiums and highways after our most treasured icons, but they don’t have those things in Europe. It’s just Vespas and cigarettes, as far as the eye can see. Read more on Queen of Italy Michelle Obama Will Receive Free Olive Oil Forever…
  occupy the wall street journal

Wall Street Journal Caught Padding European Circulation By Nearly Half

Shrunken cliche Rupert Murdoch’s empire of shit continues to stink, with his “rogue corporation” caught in yet another amoral activity — this time, managers of his Wall Street Journal have been caught inflating the paper’s European circulation by 41%. So the big corporations paying top dollar to reach the coveted 1% who supposedly read the WSJ while shopping in Paris or whatever were instead paying to have 31,000 daily copies bought for a nickel apiece and dumped. Worse, the paper printed a bunch of bogus endorsements and features on the shell companies involved in the criminal scheme. Read more on Wall Street Journal Caught Padding European Circulation By Nearly Half…
  the continuing crisis

Stock Markets Plunge Due To Housing, Europe, Arab Revolts, Japan & Probably Space Aliens

Did everybody enjoy the “jobless recovery” of the past two years? Because, uhh …. The American stock markets plunged more than 2% today as everybody freaks out about the dismal housing numbers, the continuing craziness in oil-producing Middle East/North African nations, another round of the European debt crisis and (of course) the nuclear horror show unfolding in Japan, the world’s second-biggest economy. Second or third, we can’t remember if China officially took over that spot before the earthquake. Third! For now …. Anyway, la la la la la. Read more on Stock Markets Plunge Due To Housing, Europe, Arab Revolts, Japan & Probably Space Aliens…
  insufferable baby-name activists

Bill Maher Is Afraid of Muslim Anchor Babies

Bill Maher wants to know if it’s okay that he is afraid of Muslim babies. Why won’t they get off his lawn, these Muslim babies? They are trying to take over his lawn (“England”) and his old-man garden gnomes (atheists) with their adorable baby Sharia. Oh, you want this man to back down from his hatred of people who believe in something? He shall not, because he is Bill Maher. Groan. Read more on Bill Maher Is Afraid of Muslim Anchor Babies…
  modern thought

Charles Krauthammer Has His Finger On the Pulse of ‘the Peasants’

Charles Krauthammer has known his share of neurologists, and he is certain this Obama fellow is not one of them. Obama thinks the country is not listening to reason in its brain right now, Krauthammer says, because the people are scared. But Krauthammer knows this is a bunch of crap. Who in America is scared? Have you seen the Teabaggers? They are certainly not afraid of anything. Krauthammer has a better explanation, he says, because apparently he is the licensed brain doctor. Americans are all conservative, even though Obama thinks some of them aren’t! And also this: “The peasants have seen the future — Greece and France — and concluded that it does not work.” Krauthammer will now lead us in singing some selections from Les Miserables. Read more on Charles Krauthammer Has His Finger On the Pulse of ‘the Peasants’…
  God Is Watching Us From A Distance

Why Does Europe Hate American Freedom Christ?

Most Americans correctly believe that the Christ-child was born 400 years ago in a shitty barn behind Jethro’s Dogfight Shack in Arkansatucky, Missibama. Lo, betwixt her mighty labor pains, his unwed 14-year-old mother (who was just a little bit older than the average first-time mama in today’s South) said to her 20-year-old pervert fiance, “Um, it was God who done gave me the babytimes!” And her fiance, being stupid, said, “I believe you. I’ll be at the carport out back now, forever, listening to Papa Roach.” Then everyone said racist things and rewrote all the schoolbooks to reflect the fact that our nation’s greatest scholar-president was not in fact Thomas Jefferson, but Levi Johnston. And this is the story told in churches from sea to shining sea every Santa Day. Read more on Why Does Europe Hate American Freedom Christ?…
  funny foreign videos

Angry Wreath Attacks President of Ukraine

Ukraine’s new president, Viktor Yanukovych, had a terrible fight with an opposition wreath. At least he didn’t get poisoned and terribly disfigured (by the Russians SMERSH) like that last guy, who used to be so handsome before he was nearly killed by Russia SMERSH. Read more on Angry Wreath Attacks President of Ukraine…
  best chaps

A Children’s Treasury Of David Cameron Stalking Barack Obama

Back in 2008, the hottest fad among European politicians was to get their pictures taken with presidential candidate Barack Obama, who was much more popular among Europeans than any of them. David Cameron, who had been preparing for his royal takeover of Britain for years already, chased Barack Obama all over the place. Up top, we have Cameron’s video from election night 2008. He watched Barack Obama win on the telly and read about his Glories in the local news-tabloids, and then proceeded to suck up like the Dickens. “I KNOWETH THIS MAN. WE ARE BEST CHAPS. HE LOVES ME,” he narrates. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of David Cameron Stalking Barack Obama…
  republicans in the news

Anti-Gay Wingnut Only Hired Gay Prostitute For Handjobs!

Family Research Council wingnut anti-homosexual crusader George Rekers only took that Rentboy.com male sex escort with him on a European Vacation to have some help carrying the luggage — even though the boy-toy just stood there while Rekers actually pushed the luggage cart. Besides, he always hires gay hookers to “lovingly share two types of messages to them, as I did with the young man called ‘Lucien’ in the news story.” Read more on Anti-Gay Wingnut Only Hired Gay Prostitute For Handjobs!…
  our flourishing economy

Hooray, Global Markets Collapse Again Because of … Greece! (Again)

Let’s check in with the Wonkette Business Desk for our morning economic roundup. U.S. pending home sales are at their highest point this year! U.S. manufacturing orders are at a two-year high! A terrorist plot against New York — the financial capital of the world — totally failed and the suspected/attempted car-bomber was caught by the cops! His alleged co-conspirators were caught in Pakistan! All kinds of bellwether companies are reporting solid profits, from MasterCard’s 24% first-quarter profit to Sirius XM Radio’s $41.6 million profit in Q1 — people must be buying new cars again! So, of course, the markets are collapsing, worldwide, total panic, ARGH SELL JESUS CHRIST IT’S ALL HAPPENING AGAIN. Read more on Hooray, Global Markets Collapse Again Because of … Greece! (Again)…
  it's morning in america

Fun European Countries Going Bankrupt; Are The Boring Ones Next?

Remember when the Europeans all gave up their funny money for the sober euro, and they were One Continent, United, Forever, no more wars, hooray? Well, uh, it turns out that maybe that isn’t working out so well? Nobody wants to lend Greece any money, which in turn makes it hard for it to borrow money, and they can’t just print money anymore because they don’t have their own money, so: problems! Soon it will go bankrupt and be sold to the Italians. It is just like Bear Stearns, but with better seafood. Read more on Fun European Countries Going Bankrupt; Are The Boring Ones Next?… Read more on Fun European Countries Going Bankrupt; Are The Boring Ones Next?…
  modern problems

Americans Sad To Be ‘Stuck’ In Europe, Due To Dinosaur-Killing Volcano Ash

Wonkette operative Lady MacBeth writes, “Jesus Christ, I’m stuck in the South of France. And all you people can do is cover tea party events??? There are so many of us stuck in Europe and humbled by language barriers and dirty laundry and stripey black-and-white shirts and Wonkette covers the tea party?!” Yeah well you know WHAT, “Lady,” if that is your real (European) name? Read more on Americans Sad To Be ‘Stuck’ In Europe, Due To Dinosaur-Killing Volcano Ash…
  ominous toasts

Drink Up, Or the Russians Will Kill You

Russian President Dmitry Medvedev is giving Barack Obama the old “I have poisoned your champagne” look while ultra-crooked Czech president Vaclav Klaus is just counting money in his mind, piles and piles of Euros, shoveled into his Swiss vault by Slovak gypsy slaves. Anyway, now we have some kind of new nuclear treaty with Sarah Palin, maybe you’ve heard of it! Also, the president of Poland and 97 other Polish government officials and citizens were killed today when their plane crashed in Russia. [White House Flickr/New York Times] Read more on Drink Up, Or the Russians Will Kill You…