Tag Archives: eric holder

  Pretty sure this isn't racial transcendence

Idiot Wingnut Chick: America’s Not Racist, Except For Obama

Let's talk about slavery, Heather.
Here America is, all fired up for yet another solemn Conversation On Race, when we don’t even need to be doing that in the first place, since racism is over. The Charleston shooting was an Isolated Incident, because while individual racists still exist, America as a nation does not have any lingering institutional racism, according to Fox News contributing wingnut Katie Pavlich, who begins a column for The Hill by setting a straw man gloriously ablaze, much like the recent spate of burning black churches across the South: Read more on Idiot Wingnut Chick: America’s Not Racist, Except For Obama…
  Don't Know His Ass From A Hole In The Ground

America’s Worst Lawyer, Larry Klayman, Explains How Barack Obama Got Those Blacks Shot In Charleston

We should probably start calling him that. But we sort of like Begley.
Idiot bag of lawyer scrapings Larry Klayman took a brief break from his usual agenda of calling for the overthrow of illegal president Barack Hussein Obama last week so he could mourn the nine victims of the massacre in Charleston, South Carolina. Of course, he did his mourning at conspiracy clearinghouse WorldNetDaily, so he was contractually obliged to blame Barack Obama for the murders. You see, Obama is ultimately at fault for racism and racist hate crimers like Dylann Roof, because Obama has forced normal Americans to hate The Blacks a whole lot. Read more on America’s Worst Lawyer, Larry Klayman, Explains How Barack Obama Got Those Blacks Shot In Charleston…
  Bang bang liberty you're dead

NRA: President Hillary Clinton Is Already Murdering Freedom

She's coming for YOU. And YOU. And YOU.
The corpse that was America’s liberty until President Obama killed it is not even cold yet, but the National Rifle Association is already warning us of the extra-death of liberty that lies ahead, since Hillary Clinton “has formally declared her intention to assume the office of president of the United States.” (We assume she intends to do this by winning the presidential election, like she said, but maybe she’s just going to assume the office without the farce of democracy, so she can get right to extra-deathing our liberty. That’s probably the plan.) Read more on NRA: President Hillary Clinton Is Already Murdering Freedom…
  Nice time! Kind of!

Hurray, Montana Says Cops Can’t Steal All Your Sh*t And Sell It For Cash Anymore!

Ooh nice squad car, where'd ya get it???
Civil asset forfeiture laws around the country are fucking terrible. You know, those laws that say the cops can take your car, your money, and anything else you own, just because they THINK it might could have been used in a crime, even if you haven’t actually been convicted of that crime. Then they sell it and they get to keep all the sweet, sweet profits, to use for whatever the department wants or needs or happens to see on sale at the Big Lots. Yeah, THOSE laws. But, there is a light at the end of the asset-seizing tunnel, at least in Montana, because the nice Democratic governor up there, Steve Bullock, has signed a law, HB 463, that says you can’t be doing all that shit anymore: Read more on Hurray, Montana Says Cops Can’t Steal All Your Sh*t And Sell It For Cash Anymore!…
  Won't someone think of the scandals?

Idiot Texas Rep Calls For Department Of Clinton Investigatin’, To Investigate The Clintons

Look at 'em schemin'
Whew! We were concerned there for a moment that Congress wasn’t going to bother looking into the the latest SCANDALOUS SCANDAL about Billary Clinton, since the media (except for the New York Times, the Washington Post, Fox, every single news network, and your grandma’s blogspot) have ignored it, but Texas Republican Rep. Ted Poe assures us that, nope, Congress is ON that mofo for sure. Read more on Idiot Texas Rep Calls For Department Of Clinton Investigatin’, To Investigate The Clintons…
  Teach us oh white people!

How Are White Wingnuts Fixing The Blacks Of Baltimore This Week?

The cats are cuter than anything you'll read in this post.
Ever since the alleged police murder of Freddie Gray and the rioting that followed, white wingnuts have been trying SO HARD to do something — anything! — to help the poor black communities of Baltimore recover and move on from this tragedy. Because they care so much, honest! Should we cut off their food stamps? Give everybody more guns, so they can Stand Their Ground? Send them all some more Jesus, and good dads like Rand Paul? Well, worry not, because there are still more turd ideas to throw at the wall, so here is this week’s roundup of White Wingnut Wisdom for Baltimorean Blacks! Read more on How Are White Wingnuts Fixing The Blacks Of Baltimore This Week?…
  Molotov!

Loretta Lynch Is Finally Your New Attorney General, IMPEACH!

Now the evil scheming begins
Well, that wasn’t so hard! After waiting for a nearly record-setting 166 days to be confirmed, Loretta Lynch was finally sworn in as U.S. Attorney General by Vice President Joe Biden, who presumably saved his congratulatory groping for after the ceremony. Read more on Loretta Lynch Is Finally Your New Attorney General, IMPEACH!…
  Just Don't Shout 'I AM Justice!' At Your Swearing-In

Loretta Lynch Confirmed; Eric Holder Can Finally Take This Job And Shove It

Still claims not to be Eric Holder, reportedly has not yet died of old age
Congratulations, Loretta Lynch! You have been confirmed as Attorney General, and it only took 166 days, which, as a student of History, you may be interested to know, is much longer than the entire lifespan of quite a few independent nations. Only two other Attorneys General took longer to confirm (Edwin Meese, under Ronald Reagan, and A. Mitchell Palmer, under Woodrow Wilson). Read more on Loretta Lynch Confirmed; Eric Holder Can Finally Take This Job And Shove It…
 

GOP Will Confirm Loretta Lynch For A.G. Just As Soon We Outlaw Abortion Some More

Good job, asshole
Poor Attorney General Eric Holder has been trying to quit his job since September. And you’d think, given the way Republicans hate his intestines and all his other parts too and want to impeach him for seizing all our guns, not disbanding the IRS, homo-lovin’, and blacking while black, they’d be eager to see him leave. But no, they are committed to making him attorney general for life, by refusing to hold a vote to confirm the president’s replacement nominee, Loretta Lynch. Why? Is Lynch worse than Holder? Nah, Senate Republicans have already agreed she’s fine enough, they guess, and they’d like to confirm her, no really. Maybe they’re even sorry she’s had to wait longer for confirmation than the previous seven AG nominees combined. So what’s the hold up? Payback, bitches: Read more on GOP Will Confirm Loretta Lynch For A.G. Just As Soon We Outlaw Abortion Some More…
  Probably no blow allowed either

Party Pooper Eric Holder Reminds DOJ Staff They Cannot Have Sexy Funtimes With Hookers, Unfair!

Fun's over, fellas
Attorney General Eric Holder is supposed to not even BE THERE anymore, but until Republicans confirm his replacement — no rush, guys, really — he’s going to oppress America, and the employees of the Department of Justice, SO HARD: Read more on Party Pooper Eric Holder Reminds DOJ Staff They Cannot Have Sexy Funtimes With Hookers, Unfair!…
  Won't Someone PLEASE Think of George Zimmerman?

George Zimmerman: God Made Me Do It

Screengrabs are fair use, right? Yeah, pretty sure they are. We can always add a pony so it's parody.
Now that the Justice Department has declared George Zimmerman a swell human being who merely shot and killed Trayvon Martin but didn’t violate his civil rights, Mr. Zimmerman sat down for a spontaneous, not-at-all scripted-sounding interview with his divorce lawyer, Howard Iken, who apparently doesn’t just do divorces, but is also branching out into journalism. Watch out, Terry Gross, Howard Iken is gunning for your time slot! We’d embed the video, but that is Not Allowed; you can view the whole abomination here. Read more on George Zimmerman: God Made Me Do It…
  that'll show 'em

Republicans To Make Eric Holder Attorney General For Life To Teach Democrats A Lesson

They just can't seem to quit him
Aren’t Republicans supposed to hate Attorney General Eric Holder with every molecule of their rotten beings because of how he has done all that race warring and fast-and-furiousing and being black while being black? Yes, that’s what we thought too. But even though Holder has been trying to quit his job, Senate Republicans just won’t let him. Those guys are so fickle, aren’t they? Read more on Republicans To Make Eric Holder Attorney General For Life To Teach Democrats A Lesson…
  Billo's Seen Cops Shot Too

Oh, NOW Bill O’Reilly Thinks Irresponsible Words Can Inspire Violence

Call him irresponsible...and he will DESTROY YOU.
Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com Bill O’Reilly would just like to see a little more responsibility on the part of the media in how they cover sensitive issues, because as he’s recently discovered, language can have consequences! In a piece on the shootings of two police officers in Ferguson early Thursday morning, O’Reilly explained the link between violent words and violent deeds: “As we saw here in New York City, inflammatory rhetoric can get police officers killed.” You know, violent rhetoric like telling your black son that he needs to be extra careful around the police, or saying that police shouldn’t be shooting black people quite so often. Read more on Oh, NOW Bill O’Reilly Thinks Irresponsible Words Can Inspire Violence…
  Maybe More Guns Would Help?

Fox News: Eric Holder Really Should NOT Have Shot Those Cops In Ferguson!

The other chyron for the story: 'Street Justice: Police officers shot in wake of DOJ Report'
While two police officers were still hospitalized after being shot in Ferguson, Missouri, early Thursday morning (they have since been released), and police have no suspects, Fox News and other rightwing sources have identified the true culprits: Attorney General Eric Holder and everyone who’s ever protested against police brutality. Read more on Fox News: Eric Holder Really Should NOT Have Shot Those Cops In Ferguson!…
  Follow The...Zzzzzzzz

Oh No, Zombie ACORN Coming For America, Again (No It Isn’t)

Be afraid! No, *more* afraid!
Now that Republicans control Congress, they’re ready to roll up their sleeves and get to work and try to make up a scandal about the Obama administration trying to give bejillions of dollars to undeserving minorities. We’re not sure this one is going to get any traction with the Fox News crowd, since the details are actually a bit too esoteric to fit on a bumper sticker, but that may not matter. Since it involves mortgages, big banks, the Department of Justice, and nonprofit community groups, maybe all they’ll need to do is yell “ACORN!” and “La Raza” a whole lot. Read more on Oh No, Zombie ACORN Coming For America, Again (No It Isn’t)…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Meet The Techie Bears Who’ve Been Trolling Jeb Bush With Equality

Rachel bursts into song
Rachel Maddow brought us some updates Monday to her story last week about the serious outbreak of weird in Oregon. First, as she’d hoped, Rachel scored an interview with C.J. Phillips and Charlie Rainwater, a Portland couple who describe themselves as “high-tech bears,” and they tell her all about their plans for the website JebBushForPresident.com, which is not actually promoting the former Florida governor’s candidacy, but rather, invites gay and straight Americans to “have a chat, share viewpoints, maybe realize that the person you felt you could never have anything in common with is actually dealing with exactly the same issues.” They’re ridiculously sweet guys. And while the domain name isn’t for sale, they do have a backup, just in case: CJandCharlieForPresident.com. Read more on Morning Maddow: Meet The Techie Bears Who’ve Been Trolling Jeb Bush With Equality…
  The Wonkette Media Empire

Introducing The Weekend Stock Photo Report, A Video Thing From Yr Beloved Wonkette

Here at yr Wonkette, we’re always brainstorming new ways to amuse and confound you. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this thing! It is called The Weekend Stock Photo Report With Weekend S. Photo! It is kind of a video slide show of funny pictures that we are definitely allowed to use, and a voice-over that says funny things about the politics, and boy aren’t you a lucky duckie, huh? Read more on Introducing The Weekend Stock Photo Report, A Video Thing From Yr Beloved Wonkette…
  No Requests For 'Coal Miner's Daughter'So Far

Loretta Lynch Won’t Impeach Obama, Obviously Not Suitable Attorney General

Still claims not to be Eric Holder, reportedly has not yet died of old age
Wednesday was the first day of Loretta Lynch’s confirmation hearings before the Senate Judiciary Committee, and so far, it looks like Republicans may consider her too “nominated by Barack Obama” to be confirmed as attorney general. In a fairly basic bit of identity clarification, Ms. Lynch claimed, in response to a question from Texas Sen. John Cornyn, that she is in fact a wholly different human being than the current attorney general: Read more on Loretta Lynch Won’t Impeach Obama, Obviously Not Suitable Attorney General…
  strange fruit

Fox News Takes Insane Acid Trip About Eric Holder Lynching Darren Wilson In Yemen, It Is Just Wow

Huh, he looks all right to us
Yes, Ferguson cop Darren Wilson killed an unarmed black teenager, to death, but in addition to getting a “Nah, man, it’s cool, we get it” from the local grand jury, he likely won’t have charges filed against him by the Department of Justice, either. Ergo, as Fox News has been spewing at us since the non-charges news was first leaked, it is an obvious simple fact that the DOJ never had any legitimate reason to investigate the Ferguson Police Department or Darren Wilson in the first place. It was all a scheme, man, nefariously plotted by Attorney General Eric Holder and Co-Attorney General Al Sharpton and Thinks He’s So President Obama, to start some riots an do some reverse racism. Read more on Fox News Takes Insane Acid Trip About Eric Holder Lynching Darren Wilson In Yemen, It Is Just Wow…
  Revised Revisionist History

Fox Knows Who Is To Blame For Ferguson Riots (It’s Still Eric Holder Obvs)

They just can't seem to quit him
Fox News wasted no time in repackaging the news that the Justice Department is not expected to file civil rights charges against Darren Wilson in the killing of Michael Brown, according to a report in the New York Times, into an astonishingly distorted pack of lies about Ferguson. Yes, we know you’re shocked. Read more on Fox Knows Who Is To Blame For Ferguson Riots (It’s Still Eric Holder Obvs)…
  But Clinton Lied About A Blowjob

You’ll Never Guess Why Fox Thinks Sexytime Leaker Gen. Petraeus Is Being Framed Now!

Totally worth it
Wingnutty Expert on Everything Andrew Napolitano was all over Fox News Monday and Tuesday to float his expert opinion on why former CIA director David Petraeus is maybe going to face criminal charges for being a Gangster of Love. It’s all just because Barack Obama is out to get David Petraeus, who never did nothin’ wrong, because 1) Obama wanted to short-circuit Petraeus’s bright political career, and/or 2) Petraeus was about to spill the beans on what REALLY happened at Benghazi, so somebody in the White House revealed that the former general was boning his biographer, which somehow made it impossible for him to ever speak the REAL truth. Read more on You’ll Never Guess Why Fox Thinks Sexytime Leaker Gen. Petraeus Is Being Framed Now!…