• Meet Harry Reid & the Senate’s Health Care Bill: $849 billion, 2,074 pages, no insurance for abortions or illegal immigrants, other characteristics, etc. [CNN]
• Despite really maxing out every copy editor’s patience with the word “contentious,” Hamid Karzai was sworn-in for another five-year term as President of Afghanistan.  [New York Times]
• Eric Holder took questions from 9/11 families about KSM’s trip to New York. [Washington Post]
• Obama wants to do a free-trade deal with South Korea. Give it a week after this thing goes through that “SKaFTA” is not the name of some 16-year-old’s Bouncing Souls cover band. [WSJ]
• Quarantining people isn’t doing much to stop swine flu from killing us all to death. [AP]
• Ireland will not be granted that Fifa World Cup playoff rematch, no matter how unfair the Irish justice minister thinks that handball thing was. [Guardian]

• Some people are not fond of strokes, but if you are impartial, by all means: clicky clicky. [YouTube]
• Eric Holder is in quite the pickle. If he doesn’t investigate torture, DailyKos will keep mailing him flaming boxes of poo. But if he does investigate torture … Point is, there’s a compromise that will satisfy both parties. [Matt Yglesias]
• Come for the opaque comics, stay for the brilliant comments: “RACISM IS ONE OF DEMOCRATS’ CLASSIC POLICIES. THEY ARE STILL DOING IT, NOW AGAINST THE WHITE.” [RedState]
• The CIA has a new thingamajig that’s “great for assassinations.” Hint: it’s a space laser. [Weekly Standard]

Today is “Liberal Day” in the executive branch — it comes but once a year! — what with the release of the 2004 CIA inspector general report on all of the death it caused, as well as Eric Holder’s decision to appoint a prosecutor to investigate, uh, something, to some extent, with regards to the CIA. You know where they’re upset about these two things? At the CIA! Specifically, longtime Washington operative Leon Panetta — he is upset. He has been cursing at Obama and whining about stuff for months, and will probably quit soon. MORE »

• VERY LIBERAL ERIC HOLDER TO APPOINT INVESTIGATOR TO INVESTIGATE WHETHER THERE IS ENOUGH EVIDENCE TO TO HAVE AN INVESTIGATION FOR CRIMES, SUCH AS TORTURE, BUT ONLY THE STUFF THAT GEORGE W. BUSH DIDN’T SAY WAS A-OKAY: Let’s meet the pre-pre-investigation’s purported new sexy independent prosecutor: John Durham from Connecticut! “Durham’s mandate, the sources added, will be relatively narrow: to look at whether there is enough evidence to launch a full-scale criminal investigation of current and former CIA personnel who may have broken the law in their dealings with detainees.” PSST: NEW MANDATE IDEA: Send Cheney to Bagram?? [WP]

• Your name is John Ashcroft, and you are in the hospital recovering from life-saving surgery that replaced your gallbladder with a pig’s heart. It’s a good thing you have so many caring friends! Tom Ridge sent you a bald eagle named Freedom, and Karl Rove gave you a beautiful bouquet of fired US attorneys — put those in a vase! And George Bush, well, he personally delivered something very special to your bedside, while you were napping. [TPM]
• Bill Clinton is pledging a fraternity! But what will his frat name be? Chuckles? William Whitebread? Broseph Bill? Spectacular men need spectacular names. Phi Beta Sigma needs your help! [HuffPost]
• Eric Holder says he might consider shaving his mustache off. And Dick Cheney’s secret CIA human organ black market might be investigated. Listen closely, Christian Soldier: the liberals are trying to distract us. The Attorney General ain’t shavin’ nothing, and don’t even worry about Cheney, we’ll find him a new heart. These are just distractions! [RedState]
• America’s leading Orwell scholar Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA) has declared, “Quality health care at an affordable price is gonna kill people.” Yes yes, and 2 + 2 = 5. Stop boring us with the obvious, Broun! You and thousands of other Americans passed 7th grade pre-algebra. [Think Progress]

What a fantastic spring it’s been in DC, what with the terrible muggy spell in early May, and now there’s nothing but terrible swampy grossness ahead! Fortunately, DC’s “celebrities” can be spotted both in- and out of doors, where they engage in elite activities such as air travel, grocery shopping, lunching, and even watching sports events. After the jump: Find out which famous politician hums loudly to himself in public bathrooms.

Ever been waiting around to pick up your deli sandwich or your luggage or collect your mail or whatever, and you see some very put-together man or lady giving you the eye like they would like to take you up to Eliot Spitzer’s room at the Mayflower? It’s probably one of those terrible people you’ve seen on O’Reilly’s show talking about the sanctity of post-marital sex. Tell us about these encounters, and other more boring encounters please! Write to tips@wonkette with subject line “Wonk’d.” MORE »

• Gay marriage is not legal in New Hampshire after all, thanks to its House of Democrats who were all, ehh no thanks, apparently. [Reuters]
• Newt Gingrich has admitted to having “fantasies” about being the GOP nominee in 2012. Except: are these alleged fantasies a ploy to boost book sales, or do they perhaps relate to something sexual-like, involving his wife, a one Callista Gingrich? Maybe!/ew! [Daily Intel]
• Not to be outdone by Barack Obama, the President, Dick Cheney will also be giving a talk about National Security tomorrow, because… his standing as… current Vice President… presupposes his ability to influence policy… [Gawker]
• Eric Holder is not going to let Congress or whatever ruin Barry’s plans to close down Gitmo. [First Read]

It may be your lucky day, libtards! All you want are DoJ torture memos, uncut, NO REDAX, and now look at the breaking news: “In the fullest account to date of the questioning of al Qaeda suspects, government officials issued long sought documents that catalogue a list of tactics — from sleep and food deprivation to beatings — that Bush lawyers said comported with the law. The memos, which date to 2002, contain few redactions, despite a fierce battle within the Obama administration about the benefits of releasing the information.” TOUCHE, Obama… but rest assured that the very serious and important and serious news blogger Glenn Greenwald is furiously highlighting right now and will soon determine how much you care about so-called “legal statutes.” [WP]

Ha ha wasn’t it funny how Ted Stevens probably could have won back his Senate seat in Alaska if he hadn’t been found guilty in his corruption trial, but then he was found guilty, and he lost, and then Eric Holder threw the case away yesterday because the prosecution had mishandled it? Cool story. And now the Republican party of Alaska has called for Sen. Mark Begich to resign so that he can run against Stevens in a special election, for fairness. Hmm let’s think about that NO. [Fox News]

• TED STEVENS IS FREE: Everyone’s favorite white-guilt-inducer, Attorney General Eric Holder, has decided to drop all charges against mean old Ted Stevens, because why not. The Justice Department prosecution team apparently didn’t present all the evidence it had, and it was mean to witnesses. They are all being investigated. ET CETERA. [NPR]

The guy who made that video last week about John Gibson’s obsession with the color of the Attorney General’s scrotum has been fired, for being hilarious. John Sanders worked as a producer-reporter for WBAL-TV, an NBC affiliate in Baltimore. He allegedly used company equipment to make his little doctored video and then he put it up on YouTube for larfs. MORE »