It is a MEDICAL FACT straight from the basement laboratory of Dr. Charles Boustany that Congressional MVP Joe Wilson has won the Internet for the Republicans today! Hooray! Do not forget though, in your excitement for Wilson’s accomplishment, to pay proper respect to Lindsey Graham and Eric Cantor, who deserve other, lesser athletic superlatives! Last night, Graham and Cantor set USA records in the Who’s Paying Attention the Least competition. Let’s honor them! MORE »

GOP rising star Eric Cantor has apparently heard about this little problem with his party — you know, how the “Republican base” has gone batshit insane, because they hate the coloreds so much that they’ve decided no matter what, Barack Obama isn’t “really” president because there is something fishy about his virgin birth in Bethlehem 6,000 years ago, because we all know a colored cannot be president of White America. Cantor’s solution: Blame the librul media! MORE »

This National Council for a New America, what do they do exactly besides hold coffee klatsches in Alexandria and inflame the ire of conservative voters? Who knows, but they’ve sucked Newt Gingrich into their little borg, which means they probably have spare wives and free donuts on hand. [The Fix]

• CNN ASKS CANTOR ABOUT SILLY BRITNEY SPEARS NONSENSE: Whoa hey this turned out to be some kinda coveted chunk of 2-hour-news-cycle hobo meat, huh? We were just trying to make some sort of exaggerated gay joke about nothing, but now it’s at the point where CNN.com’s top political ticker story is Eric Cantor’s crucial response to his fiesta at the Britney concert. He says it was “quite a show” and “I hand it to the performer, she was something,” so we can fairly conclude that the exaggerated gay joke about nothing has come full circle and it can now please please die uhh give us more links about this and stuff, thanks! [CNN]

• HER LOSS: LANDRIEU DEFINITELY NOT AT BRITNEY CONCERT: The Huffington Post has run with this “gossip blog”’s reported confirmed life-defining economy-saving news report about Eric Cantor going to see old Britney Spears sing last night, and they have gotten confirmation from Sen. Landrieu’s office that she was not, as it happens, there with Eric Cantor, as his office (and other parts of the Republican Apparatus, dare we mention) told us earlier today. [HuffPo]

And you all thought Washington wasn’t sexy: the office of ambitious young House Republican Whip Eric Cantor has confirmed to your Wonkette that instead of watching President Obama’s boring press conference last night like the rest of us dingbats, Cantor and a bipartisan group of legislators attended the Show Of The Century at downtown’s Verizon Center: a Britney Spears concert. If our children weren’t so concerned about future deficits, what would they think of this! MORE »

Here’s your Loyal Opposition, Republican Eric Cantor, just gushing when Obama sort of says, “What is up, Eric.” So, GOP, blushing baby Cantor is your pick to go to WAR with Barack Obama? Jesus fucking christ, maybe next time send somebody who doesn’t swoon when Mr. President looks his way. [YouTube]

A new monthly Gallup poll has Congress’ approval rating at 31%, and hey, that’s not bad! Although the teevee kept saying that Obama and the Democrats had failed miserably during the stimulus debate while the Republicans found new life, the country “loves” Democrats now, and hates Republicans even more. NEED MORE ERIC CANTOR. [Gallup]

Here’s a hilarious new video from Eric Cantor’s office, bragging about how he used his “minority whip” on Obama. It rocks the fuck out to an Aerosmith song. Hot damn! This party could win a whole 30% of votes in the next election. [The Plank]

Bradley Dayspring, remember this guy? Just a few short days ago Eric Cantor’s spokesman was personally writing, producing, directing, acting in, and distributing a propaganda film about AFSCME that featured Jimmy Hoffa extorting money from children so that he could put more dollars in the swear-word jar. Well, Dayspring has reclaimed the moral high ground, boy howdy! He is outraged about a common mathematical practice called “rounding,” which is depriving people of jobs in Wyoming. MORE »

Ugh you people David Denby is rolling in his grave, tut-tutting at the lack of fact-checking and basic research going on at the Huffington Post. Yes, we have seen this thing about how Eric Cantor allegedly distributed some video spoof about the union coalition AFSCME after they ran ads about what a bad person he was for opposing the stimulus bill. “The House whip reacted with an ad of his own, depicting AFSCME workers as curse-spewing bullies,” writes HuffPo’s Rachel Weiner, no relation to our own Juli Weiner (as far as we know! Ha, fact checking). MORE »