Tag Archives: eric cantor

  #ReadyForLouie

New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner

Image via Daily Show video Texas congressman and casual House-floor snacker Louie Gohmert delivered blessed news to the nation on the first Sunday of the new year: he will finally rise to be the savior America needs by defeating John Boehner to become the new Speaker of the House. Read more on New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner…
  Poor Little Prick Boy

Eric Cantor Is America’s Saddest Republican

Scootaloo is too young to understand 'misplaced empathy'
It’s a sad week for Democrats, and a really happy week for Republicans, at least most of them, except maybe for Scott Brown, who’s busy crying bitter tears and checking the real estate listings in Vermont and Maine. Read more on Eric Cantor Is America’s Saddest Republican…
  clipbait

Stephen Colbert Outraged At Obama On Behalf Of Hispanish Community

Damn you Obama! as usual
On Monday’s Colbert Report, Stephen brought us up to speed on all the complicated ins and out of immigration reform: Tonight, the latest news on immigration reform. There, you’re all caught up. He then gave President Obama the comedic tongue-lashing he so richly deserves for stealing the Republican plan to delay immigration forever by perpetually promising to deal with it “next year.” Read more on Stephen Colbert Outraged At Obama On Behalf Of Hispanish Community…
  Greed Is Good

Wall Street’s Newest Tool: Eric Cantor

Like the bastard child of gordon gekko and scrooge mcduck.
Hey, what’s former Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Hahaha) doing with all his free time now that he is no longer an esteemed member of Congress? If we had to guess, it would be gently sobbing while beating off to a montage of Ronald Reagan YouTube videos, barely visible through the shame-tears. Are we right, Wall Street Journal? Read more on Wall Street’s Newest Tool: Eric Cantor…
  na na na na goodbye

Eric Cantor To Congress: Screw You Guys, I’m Going Home

Yesterday was a big day for the GOP, what with the completely refusing to do anything at all about the immigrant children at the border that they pretend to be very very concerned about. They probably couldn’t quite get around to it, being busy high-fiving themselves over how they’re gonna sue Bamz so good and also too taking a whopping ten minutes out of their day to listen to Eric Cantor say his sad panda goodbyes as House Majority Leader because he lost to that Tea Party dude and does not get to Majority Lead any longer. And then everybody went away for their August break, secure in the knowledge that they had accomplished exactly zero things and were the very definition of sound and fury signifying nothing. Oh, and then Eric Cantor went home and talked to the Richmond Times Dispatch and said “oh hey, btw, I’m not coming back at all. Forgot to mention that earlier.” Read more on Eric Cantor To Congress: Screw You Guys, I’m Going Home…
  wild and crazy guy

Brian Schweitzer Is Living Proof That Being A Democrat Is Not A Shield Against Being Dumb

We hadn’t really thought much about Brian Schweitzer, the Democratic ex-governor of Montana, since 2012, when he was saying dumb things about Mitt Romney and Mormons. But now Schweitzer is somehow being talked about as a legitimate possibility for a 2016 Democratic ticket run, so now everyone has to ooh and ahh over how edgy and unfettered he is. The National Journal stuck some poor lady with having to spend quality time with Schweitzer up in Big Sky Country (guns! chainsaws! snowmobiles!) so that he could just be an unending gaffe machine. But not a cool funny gaffe machine like Joe Biden. More like your relative from hell that think’s he’s hilarious, especially after a few drinks, but is just plain stupid. Read more on Brian Schweitzer Is Living Proof That Being A Democrat Is Not A Shield Against Being Dumb…
  he started it!

Idaho GOP Convention Pretty Much A Glorified Slap Fight, Really

So we guess the Idaho state GOP convention was held last weekend, and we are SO PISSED that Dok Zoom didn’t go there on a fact-finding mission, because the entire thing sounds like an amazeballs shitshow. Near as we can figure, nothing got done, and no one got elected, there may or may not actually be any delegates left, and regular old Republicans and Tea Party Republicans are perhaps going to light each other on fire. Congrats at being the very best at sucking at participatory democracy, Idaho GOP! Read more on Idaho GOP Convention Pretty Much A Glorified Slap Fight, Really…
  links are fun

We’re Getting Eric Cantor On Dancing With The Stars In Today’s Happy Links!

Ain’t no party like a Happy Nice Time People party ’cause a Happy Nice Time People party don’t stop! It’s true, we are always on the Internet. Anyway, today we’ve got Stephen Hawking AND Miley Cyrus AND John Oliver AND Eric Cantor AND so very much more. It’s your evening Happy Links! Read more on We’re Getting Eric Cantor On Dancing With The Stars In Today’s Happy Links!…
  He's A Dancing Machine

Kickstarter … Wait, No, Change.org Petition To Get Eric Cantor On Dancing With The Stars

Look, I don’t know why I’ve got a crush on Eric Cantor. I just do. He’s handsome, and Jewish, and Southern, and I’m so on board for all of this. He’s got a wife and kids, and I’m not trying to mess with that or anything. I just fantasize about seeing him wearing a spangly sparkly outfit, waltzing around a dance floor in high-heeled shoes with a woman 25 years his junior. Is that so wrong? READ MORE ON HNTP… Read more on Kickstarter … Wait, No, Change.org Petition To Get Eric Cantor On Dancing With The Stars…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Jenna Bush Has A Posse — And They’re Big Jerk Babies

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, the feature where we bring you the very best of the worst detritus that’s clung to our browser tabs all week. We find the stories that are too short for a full post but too stupid to ignore altogether and serve them up to you in a delicious frothy blend — add whatever brain solvents you may need to help digest them. Read more on Derp Roundup: Jenna Bush Has A Posse — And They’re Big Jerk Babies…
  i say -- i say what in tarnation son!

Old Clueless ‘Sad Thad’ Cochran Is Old, Clueless, Sad

Here is sad old Mississippi Sen. ‘Sad Thad’ Cochran, two full days after the Stunning Virginia Primary Upset That Changed The American Political Landscape Forever, politely admitting that he has no idea whatsoever about the result, since “I haven’t really followed that campaign very closely.” After all, it’s just another House campaign, why would anyone want to talk about THAT? Read more on Old Clueless ‘Sad Thad’ Cochran Is Old, Clueless, Sad…
  denial ain't just a boutique on 5th Ave.

Peggy Noonan Tries To Pretend GOP Base Is Not Made Up Of Raging, Irrational Lunatics

Summer in New York, and the stench of the garbage piled in the streets could not reach the sealed crypt, high above the bustling streets, where Sister Peggy Noonan of Our Lady of the Stinger With a Whiskey Back bided her time. Let other New Yorkers escape to the Hamptons, or their country homes, or their tenement rooftops! No, Peggy would stay right here, fortified by her estrogen pills and crates of Old Raj, monitoring the primary elections for signs and portents, promises and perils, fading stars gracefully winking out from the firmament. In fact, here was one now. Eric Cantor, the first Southern Jew she had approved of since Judah Benjamin. Such a shame about his primary loss! The Republicans in the House had lost a fantastic token … um, leader to stand at the head of their ranks, urging them once more unto the breach in service of some lost cause or other. Now that she thought about it, the parallels with Judah Benjamin were truly uncanny. Read more on Peggy Noonan Tries To Pretend GOP Base Is Not Made Up Of Raging, Irrational Lunatics…
  Cantor? We Hardly Knew Her!

Throwback Thursday: Eric Cantor and the Naughty Union Video

Eric Cantor has always been my secret dreamboat hate-boyfriend. (C’mon! He is mean AND handsome, rawwwr!) Now that he has been promoted to well-paid lobbyist and doesn’t have to waste time legislating anymore, we thought it’d be nice to take a trip in the way-back machine to 2009, when Cantor’s press aide had to apologize for circulating an expletive-filled video mocking a union. Read more on Throwback Thursday: Eric Cantor and the Naughty Union Video…
  suffer little children

Unsurprisingly, David Brat’s Primary Campaign Was Run By A Smug Baby

We knew that David Brat, the literal David to Eric Cantor’s figurative Goliath, would be a source of endless joy and terror for us, but even we didn’t think it would happen so soon. But the very morning after the amazing, stunning upset, one Zachary Werrell, Mr. Brat’s 23-year-old campaign manager and angry toddler, had to do some serious downsizing of his social media presence because of how his Facebook account was pretty much nothing but a cesspool of contrarian bullshit. Read more on Unsurprisingly, David Brat’s Primary Campaign Was Run By A Smug Baby…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Amazed & Stunned By Eric Cantor’s Amazing Stunning Loss (Video)

For once, Jon Stewart said Wednesday, a news story lives up to the hype on cable news: Eric Cantor’s surprise loss to an unknown tea party Brat really was pretty spectacular. After all, Cantor was the 4th most powerful Republican in Washington, right after “Mitch McConnell, John Boehner, and an AR-15- that fires baby eagles dressed like Jesus.” And so we get this postmortem of an election result that nobody saw coming, least of all the House Majority Leader and “future millionaire lobbyist” himself. Read more on Jon Stewart Amazed & Stunned By Eric Cantor’s Amazing Stunning Loss (Video)…
  so long and thanks for all the fits

Misty Watercolored Memories Of Eric Cantor: A Children’s Treasury

We couldn’t possibly hope to fit all of our Precious Memories of Eric Cantor into a single column, so let’s just hit some highlights of a departing weaselface. (You might be surprised at the number of hits you get on a search for “Eric Cantor weasel.” Then again, you might not.) The only problem with a guy like Cantor is that there’s just so much petty douchery to pick from that we know we’re going to leave out someone’s favorite example, so please, add all you want to in the comments (as if we allowed comments). Read more on Misty Watercolored Memories Of Eric Cantor: A Children’s Treasury…
  can't....breathe

House Majority Leader Eric Cantor Lost His Primary And We Are Dead From Laughter

We’ve been putting off writing about this all night, not because we don’t know what to say, but because we wanted to let the anticipation build, to feel a thrill up our leg, to see starbursts, and savor that first perfect moment when we type these words: HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER ERIC CANTOR LOST HIS FUCKING PRIMARY TO A TEA PARTIER OH MY GOD YOU GUYS. Read more on House Majority Leader Eric Cantor Lost His Primary And We Are Dead From Laughter…
  blind squirrel finds a nut

Tea Party Has A New Squishy Liberal To Hate, You Will Never Guess Who (It Is Eric Cantor)

Remember Eric Cantor? Republican from Virginia, Majority Leader for his caucus in the House, perpetually looks like a guy entering his ninth day of trying to poop out a dildo that some overly enthusiastic District hooker shoved so far up his rectum that it lodged against his liver? Yeah, that guy. Cantor has been angling for the top job as Speaker of the House since the moment the current Speaker, John Boehner, took the gavel in his trembling, nicotine-stained hands back in 2011. Cantor worked hard to suck up to the psychotic shitweasels of the Tea Party and shiv Boehner in the back every chance he got, positioning himself to take over if the wingnuts were to successfully mount a coup against the Orange One after the upcoming midterm election. Then he decided to be reasonable once or twice about passing legislation, and now has been declared RINO non grata with the Psychotic Shitweasel caucus. Let us all cry some oily crocodile tears for Eric’s broken dreams. Read more on Tea Party Has A New Squishy Liberal To Hate, You Will Never Guess Who (It Is Eric Cantor)…
  and next year in jerusalem

Eric Cantor: Why Won’t Dumb Jerk Barack Obama Work With That Nice Friendly Gentleman Eric Cantor?

Gather round, ye children of this fair land. It has cometh to our attention that scoundrels, muckrakers, and charlatans hath sought and attained positions within our genteel federal government. These miscreants have the audacity to make partisan public speeches – IN PUBLIC, no less. These divisive, partisan activities and vile words are not acceptable to the gentlemanly persuasions of Eric Cantor, who nearly fainted from ferklemptness recently. How were Cantor’s delicate sensibilities nearly destroyed? It started when the dumb stupid President called him to wish him a Happy Passover and discuss immigration reform. Yet earlier that very same day, the President gave a speech attacking Republicans for not moving such legislation! The audacity of some people! Everyone knows that Republicans never, EVER, make partisan speeches to raise money one day, only to try to work together with Democrats on another. (Hahaha, they actually don’t, because that second thing.) Naturally, Cantor had to release a blistering partisan press release in which he derided blistering partisan attacks. Because why show class when this will raise more money for you and your party. Let’s hypocrisplore.  Read more on Eric Cantor: Why Won’t Dumb Jerk Barack Obama Work With That Nice Friendly Gentleman Eric Cantor?…