Today, in our ongoing celebration of profane Republican lawmakers, we bring you the beloved Ohio smoke-mummy John Boehner. On Friday he very coyly suggested that Nancy Pelosi’s “Let’s All Give Anal Beads to the Polar Bears for Christmas” enviroterrorist legislation was not quite to his taste … MORE »

• NOW WE WILL ALL DRIVE TREES! Whoa hey they managed to do it, the Democrats did, passing the Waxman-Markey American Clean Energy and SECURITY Act, 219-212 — eight Republicans voting Yea, 44 Democrats voting Naw. This sure is a “big victory” for Barack Obama! Except that it has to go to the Senate now and requires 60 votes, for being big, meaning 99% of it will be stripped out an hour before voting just to get one of those Maine ladies on board, resulting in just enough funding to give 5-7 Americans surgical masks, for the End Times… Ha ha, the future of Earth could rest on comedian Al Franken’s ability to cast a U.S. Senate vote. [AP]

Flash mob, you guys! Cryptic playing card mementos, just like the Joker used! What’s it all add up to? A very urgent Citizen Effort to halt climate change, taking place at your local Longworth cafeteria in, hmm, 45 minutes or so. MORE »

Sometimes you wonder if pollsters ask themselves “Is this an insulting thing to ask people?” before dialing up the opinionated American electorate. But no, not insulting, just revealing: “Given a choice of three options, just 24% of voters can correctly identify the cap-and-trade proposal as something that deals with environmental issues. A slightly higher number (29%) believe the proposal has something to do with regulating Wall Street while 17% think the term applies to health care reform. A plurality (30%) have no idea.” Hmm, looks to us like a majority (76%) “have no idea.” The other 24% are just queers. [Rasmussen via Yglesias]

Texas Rep. Joe Barton has been harnessing all of the momentum he built up the other day when he kicked the everlasting fuck out of that Chinese science fag, “Choo Choo,” with his mind powers. According to the Sierra Club hippies, Barton followed up yesterday with this uber-pwnage: “Rep. Joe Barton (R-TX) says Americans will only drive hybrids under military force: Barton not only said that hybrids don’t pay for themselves over time, which isn’t true, but he said that Americans will only drive them when forced to do so by the government, ‘backed by the army.’” It’s hilarious how close Joe Barton pushes the limit but always stops just before shouting “I LITERALLY DO WHATEVER THE OIL COMPANIES TELL ME TO DO.” And yes, the military will make us drive gay robot cars, for Gaia. [Sierra Club]

Anyone who’s managed to score higher than “zero” on this thing is a golden god and should run the global economy. UPDATE: DAVE J. HAS THE SECRET. [EcoDriving USA]

So what’s been going on with our greatest Vice President, Richard “Dick” Cheney, since we last spoke? Nothing much, just some new revelations about Cheney bein’ Cheney, hatin’ on the environment and such. In this latest news cycle, we have the tale of that time Cheney’s office once edited out six pages of the CDC director’s testimony to Congress regarding this: “CDC considers climate change a serious public health concern.” Silly egotistical CDC director. She’s obviously one of those people who gets pissed when her editors shake things up a bit — cutting commas, switching grafs, deleting major theses about climate change killing everyone, correcting split infinitives even if they do “sound” better. Any editor has dealt with these twits. We sympathize, Dick. [Washington Post]

Remember how the liberals and environmentalists were freaking out, a few days ago, because the BLM wanted to stop accepting solar-energy applications for federal land in the southwest until maybe the environmental impact of the other 125 projects already submitted could be given the sort of environmental review the environmentalists generally believe is a good thing? Well, never mind. MORE »

Rep. John Hall (Dirty Hippie, NY) became a congressman in 2006, when even a naked “soft rock” hippie seemed less dangerous than Mark Foley or Don Sherwood or John Sweeney. Problem is, hippiez r dum! Hall is now sending official congressional spam about the alleged Bush Administration plot to stop solar energy so the Oil Corporates can continue to rule the Earth. Are American enviro-leftists as gullible as the “God DAMN Muslim O’bama’s Christian Church” crowd? Let’s find out! MORE »

Today John McCain announced his most insanely simplistic campaign idea yet: a science fair contest. He proposed “a $300 million government prize to whoever can develop an automobile battery that far surpasses existing technology.” Screw you people; Wonkette is going to Home Depot to buy sheet metal, rivets, and Legos right now. MORE »

With Hillary Clinton gone and the media finally paying some attention to John McCain’s campaign, WALNUTS! knows that he’ll have to put in a few minutes with his reporter friends to sustain his Maverick image. That’s why he’s making such a grand spectacle of his “independent” thinking on the environment and global warming. John McCain will certainly make Saving Our Planet the trademark issue of his campaign, because he cares about Earth. Yesterday, for example, John McCain cared about Earth a lot. Here is his new ad, in which he cares about Earth yet again. [YouTube]