• COMICAL SUNDAY READING: The Independent landed a sit-down with former Hillary Clinton campaign chief strategist Mark “Bowser” Penn during one of his awful British speaking engagements and JESUS, the write-up reads as if Mark Penn had once sodomized and tortured and eaten every member of this reporter’s family! It’s titled “Mark Penn: The man who blew the presidency,” and along the way this reporter (whose name we cannot locate Cole Moreton!) calls him “fat,” “ugly,” and even — hide the children from this one — “indefatigable.” That is English for the American word “cuntmonger.” [Independent]

Crabby queen writer Gore Vidal, who is certainly older than you, appeared on the English telly after Obama’s clinch last night to discuss American politics with the Britons. Appropriately, he went insane for several minutes after asking and receiving permission to “talk the facts of life” with the BBC anchor. Whenever he is asked a mild follow-up question, Vidal barks that he has never heard of the terrible, lowly anchor who is harassing him. This clip is staggering. [YouTube]

Everybody loves Barack Obama, especially the British, who prefer the handsome young celebrity 5-to-1 over cranky old World War I veteran John McCain. But what will happen once Obama becomes president? One Englishman at the Times of London knows the answer: The world will turn on Handsome Barry, because he is an American, and everything bad in the world must eventually be blamed on America, even the post-Bush/Cheney America. [Times of London]

Here is your “Thursday Fun Link,” an article about the Doodys, a Family of Faggot Fans. Our favorite sentence: “The competition was organised by faggot producer Mr Brain’s Faggots.” [BBC]

For somebody who’s always accusing his opponents of being “out of touch” with the Working Man, John McCain sure does hang out with a lot of fat-cat plutocrats who don’t even have the decency to be American. On a recent visit to the tony U.K. — a nation populated entirely by decadent, incestuous polo players with “smart” accents and harelips — McCain attended a fundraising luncheon hosted by Lord Rothschild and Nathaniel Rothschild. The problem is, American candidates aren’t allowed to take campaign contributions from such fancy foreign nationals as the Rothschilds! But does “hosting” an event constitute a “contribution”? MORE »

The mayor of London, Ken Livingstone (Labour Party, which is like “Democrats”), is in a tight re-election battle with Tory candidate Boris Johnson, and now there are new revelations that could damage his career: he has five children with three different women! The lazy British press only just figured this out, too. How will Ken Livingstone ever survive the fact that he has children? MORE »

Here is a photo of France’s new First Lady arriving in England with her midget husband. Her outfit speaks diplomatic volumes: flats, so as not to tower over M. Sarkozy; modest tweed, so as to remind Camilla of her youth back in the Depression. (In turn, Camilla wears a trashy befeathered nightmare hat because she is a tart.) But the real question is, why would a rail-thin former model be sporting a little belly pooch? We smell shotgun wedding. [The Sun]

French “first lady” Carla Bruni made her living by being photographed partially or completely naked for 20 years, so nude photographs of the supermodel/singer are extremely rare. There are only 32,800 such images currently available for free on the Internets, which is why lonely old Englishmen are expected to bid up to £2,000 ($1 billion U.S.) for this old picture of Naked Carla Bruni, which also appears in the Telegraph article about the auction. Christie’s will next auction an exclusive image of “LOLcats” for £100 Zillion. [Telegraph]

According to the British tabloid News of the World, the Duke of Westminster also patronizes the Emperor’s Club VIP. He is Britain’s third richest man and “heads his country’s Territorial Army,” who fight the terrorists. Since these incredible things were not quite enough for his paid sex worker to have sex with him, here’s what he told her to seal the deal: “Osama bin Laden was alive and hiding in Pakistan.” MORE »

We are not safe, anywhere, anytime, from the poisonous cancer death shrapnel remains of the “destroyed” Satellite of Love & Death. Some of us, however, are more safe than others. Mysterious operatives from deep within the British Royal Government have alerted Wonkette to the imminent doom that faces one of England’s most treasured towns: Cromer, the “world capital of wicket goblins,” in Norfolk shire. We urge the frumpy Tories of Cromer to stay within their quaint, thatched-roof cottages today, to avoid satellite death. MORE »

Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™!

Last week, our plucky favorite asked for just over a thousand new secretaries, skipped off to London and then hooked up with dreamy David Miliband for an OMG SURPRISE trip to Afghanistan, but I had trouble paying attention because I kept getting distracted by touching artistic tributes to Madame Secretary scattered all over the web. Learn more about Condi’s week and the Condicentric art world after the jump!

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