Tag Archives: england

  goodbye fortress america

Mitt Romney Considers First Ever Global War Tour!

Whatta we got in the local clip ‘n’ save today? “Mitt Romney’s campaign is considering a major foreign policy offensive at the end of the month that would take him to five countries over three continents…” HMMMMM. You have to wait until you *win* the presidential election to launch world war, dingus. And then it’s perfectly acceptable. But maybe the rules are different for Republicans. What nations shall Mitt Romney delight with his arsenal of good humor, competitive sport, and decline? Read more on Mitt Romney Considers First Ever Global War Tour!…
  great international rows

David Cameron, You Have Been Cavorting Far Too Much With Barack Obama

The Almighty King of England, David Cameron, recently spent a lovely American spring afternoon with Barack Obama inside a sweaty gymnasium watching college athletes play basketball. They then had a lovely American spring evening at a White House state dinner, at which David Cameron saluted the American liberal president. We all know how creepy Cameron is for Obama. He is 1,000 Royal Navy battleships’ worth of creepy for him. But now Mitt Romney wants some of that action, and he will be a sourpuss until he gets it, tut tut. Read more on David Cameron, You Have Been Cavorting Far Too Much With Barack Obama…
  also a kenyan

British Lizard Queen Celebrates 60 Earth Years of Oppression

Is everyone super excited about the “Diamond Jubilee” of America’s queen of hearts, Elizabeth II? They should be, after her exciting performance at yesterday’s American football spectacular “half time.” Here is the well-known story we all recite to ourselves each night before flogging our own flesh with a thorny wooden portrait of Our Queen: Sixty years ago in a Kenyan treehouse, the reptilian beast-demon known as Princess Elizabeth took part in a loathsome ritual involving swords and cups and other such things. “Liz” — short for “Lizard” — had spent the previous day drunk with a prince-ling, surrounded by herds of bewitched elephants. This is literally what happened, when she became our Queen Mum. Read more on British Lizard Queen Celebrates 60 Earth Years of Oppression…
  flotus files

British Tabloids Uncover Michelle Obama’s Fancy Underwear

The Europeans just cannot get enough of our First Lady Michelle Obama. She is all they have right now, with their money spinning down the toilet and Heidi Klum experiencing a divorce tragedy, etc. Last week, the French shared their opinions about Michelle Obama and her brave decision to not dress like MC Hammer. Now, of course, the British have decided that they do not like competing with France for the title of “Country With Best Insane Published Writing About FLOTUS.” But their take on Michelle Obama is a little more “saucy,” as they would say, because it involves (tee hee!) underpants! Read more on British Tabloids Uncover Michelle Obama’s Fancy Underwear…
  no-o-o-o-o-o future no-o-o-o-o-o future

Wedding of the Century: Meet Your New Prince & Princess!

Have you heard about America’s new king and queen of hearts, Bill and Kate plus Eight? They are getting married very soon! And until the divorce in a few years and the tragic aftermath when Kate runs off with an Arab playboy and Bill falls in love with a tampon, this may very well be the most romantic moment in history! Because there’s something very special when an inbred bucktoothed descendent of Henry VIII or whatever finds a poor girl dressed in rags cleaning the floor of her evil stepmother’s castle in Germany, with her hair, and then he lifts her up and checks her for pox marks and then carries her off to his own castle, in space, after “paying a king’s ransom” to her owners. This is the stuff of bodice rippers, and this is the stuff of dreams. We are still pretty high from 420 day. Read more on Wedding of the Century: Meet Your New Prince & Princess!…
  bloody blood bloods

British Sharia Protestors Giving American Bigots Run For Their Money

Muslim, muslamic law, from Iraq, you know. Muslamic ray-guns? We’re not quite sure what this bloke is saying (something about the metric system and putting blood in their pudding cups?), but we know these guys are better than our bigots. When’s the last time you saw a mosk protest in the United States? Back in the summer before all the teevee shows returned for the fall schedule! Our shriveled-up old bigots are too lazy to protect us from Sharia. And just look at that video! You can fit a lot more bigots into your rally thing when you’re not all in scooters! Read more on British Sharia Protestors Giving American Bigots Run For Their Money…
  religion in the news

Evil Old Nazi Pope Tries To Trick Anglicans Into Becoming Catholics

Trying to finish what his Nazi forces started during World War II, Pope Joseph Ratzinger will attack England tomorrow with a bizarre offer to turn Anglicans into Catholics, even though he has publically described non-Catholic Christians as following a “defective” religion, and also the Church of England lets ladies work as priests, and other Anglican churches allow women to serve as bishops, and in general the decentralized Anglican faith is not really so much known for raping children constantly, the way the ordained Catholic officials rape children constantly, and then spend decades/centuries trying to hide it and discrediting the victims. Anyway, good try, Ratzi, we guess? Read more on Evil Old Nazi Pope Tries To Trick Anglicans Into Becoming Catholics…
 

Pope Admits Maybe the Church Has Been Just a Bit Rapey

Pope Benedict’s trip to England started on a sort of racist, not-helpful note. But the Big XVI has recovered, and he even told the Limey newspaper men that you know, isn’t it a pity the Church was able to suppress allegations of child abuse for so long? Read more on Pope Admits Maybe the Church Has Been Just a Bit Rapey…
  Anarchy in the UK

Tea Partiers Journey To England For Free-Market Love Fest

At this moment, Tea Par-tay reps are roaming around England — where all of America’s ancestors came from! — to share with their British brethren the joys of lowering taxes, destroying government, and refudiating Black Privilege. They are also probably engaging in some of the local customs, like drinking tea at tea time! So authentic and real. Read more on Tea Partiers Journey To England For Free-Market Love Fest…
  it's morning in america

Did the Media Fail Helen Thomas By Letting Her Be In the Media?

Legendary White House Crone Helen Thomas got herself pushed into retirement finally, at age 89, over a bizarre outburst into a rabbi’s video camera about how the Israeli Jews need to go “back [to] Poland, Germany,” etc. Was it the White House press corps’ fault for letting the increasingly shrill lady keep yelling her Democratic Underground sermons at whatever WH spokesperson? Maybe! Read more on Did the Media Fail Helen Thomas By Letting Her Be In the Media?… Read more on Did the Media Fail Helen Thomas By Letting Her Be In the Media?…
  thine royal elecktion

Gordon Brown Going To Queen’s House To Resign, David Cameron To Take Over In Tit-Bit?

Self-loathing Labour monster Gordon Brown is literally in a fancy car right now on his way to the Queen’s Palace to tell the noble monarch Elizabeth Windsor that he would be honored to no longer have a job running Her Majesty’s Government, immediately, if she would be so gracious & comely as to accept his failure. She will then utter a faint “quite quite” and honorably chop off his head with her longest, most jewel-encrusted Knife and feed it to her pet lions, Bubby and Munnie, of Dover. Read more on Gordon Brown Going To Queen’s House To Resign, David Cameron To Take Over In Tit-Bit?…
  also gordon brown and nick clegg making a deal?

Posh-Ponce David Cameron Performed For Queen As Rabbit-Goblin

David Cameron is just like us! He dressed like a forest animal for a school play … along with Prince Edward. And that’s how Young Davey first met his royal highness and actual cousin, Queen Elizabeth II. (Posh Davey is the illegitimate-royal great-great-great-great-great grandchild of King William IV, while Cameron’s wife is the direct descendant of one of Charles II’s royal whores, Nell Gwyn. England is funny.) Read more on Posh-Ponce David Cameron Performed For Queen As Rabbit-Goblin…
  britain's got talent

Sullen British Staggering To Voting Pubs Right Now

Why do we care at all about the UK election taking place today? Aren’t the British to blame for our whole Tea Party problem? And didn’t those curry-spewing lobsterbacks burn down the White House that one time? Well, today we will let bygones be bygones, because the UK elections are really the only foreign politics we can cover without running everything through Google Translate. Plus, as a result of the US/UK “special relationship,” more than 90% of journalists in Washington and New York are British people. They “set the agenda,” which is the “posh spice” way of saying “Win the Morning.” Read more on Sullen British Staggering To Voting Pubs Right Now…
  oh dear god

Sarah Palin Finally Hits Her Stride In Gulf Response

Stupid citizens of the Gulf Coast of the United States. What were you doing leasing your ‘Merkin Rigs to the backstabbing limey lobsterback royalists? They lit us on fire in 1812, and before that, it was even worse: they taxed our luxury goods. We must reject the British East India Company’s tasteless mercantilist monopoly of Oile and nuke Knifecrime Island five times tomorrow, while they are busy electing their next Protestant Queen. [Twitter via Jason Linkins/HuffPo] Read more on Sarah Palin Finally Hits Her Stride In Gulf Response…