Tag Archives: england

  Fox Apology For Benghazi Coverage Scheduled For June 2019

Fox News’ Statements No Longer Operative, Osama Bin Laden Not Holed Up In Buckingham Palace

It's like a French TV version of Wonkette!
Drudge Sirens! Fox News actually apologized for spreading a completely made-up story about supposed “no-go zones” in England and France — areas where officials supposedly have agreed to let Muslims run things according to the dictates of Sharia, without interference from police or fire services, and where non-Muslims enter at the risk of their own lives. On Saturday night, when even Fox News addicts aren’t watching TV, Fox’s Julie Banderas offered this “correction” to a myth the network had been pushing since shortly after the terrorist attacks in Paris: Read more on Fox News’ Statements No Longer Operative, Osama Bin Laden Not Holed Up In Buckingham Palace…
  If It Was Easy Then It Wouldn't Feel This Good

Luxury London Apartment Ad Wants To Stab You, Play Around With Your Blood

Yr Wonkette  has been considering a move into high-end real estate as a way of diversifying our portfolio, which is currently a little heavy on dick joke manufacturing and political scandal futures. From the looks of this long-form commercial, “World At Your Feet,” from British luxury apartment purveyor Redrow Housing, our first step is to decide: where does today’s refined and ambitious covert psychotic killer want to live? Read more on Luxury London Apartment Ad Wants To Stab You, Play Around With Your Blood…
  If It's Nae Scottish Independence It's Crap!

Plucky Haggis-Eating Highlanders Decide ‘There Can Be Only One!’

By the look on your face I can tell you like the pipes, wee laddie
Scottish voters turned down a referendum on independence from Britain yesterday, leading bloggers everywhere to brace for a slew of angry emails about how they didn’t use “England” or “United Kingdom” or “Great Sceptered Lizard Queen Realm Of God’s Own Bloody Bollocky Green and Pleasant Land” correctly. The final tally was 55.3 percent against independence, 44.7 percent for, a margin of victory for continued union that was wider than polls had predicted. Read more on Plucky Haggis-Eating Highlanders Decide ‘There Can Be Only One!’…
  clipbait

John Oliver Brings You The Scottish Independence Story You Didn’t Know You Were Dying To See (Video)

Freedom, sugar tits!
John Oliver and Last Week Tonight have a real treat for us this week: the funniest reporting on this week’s Scottish vote on whether to leave the United Kingdom. Yes, Scotland — which Americans know as “the birthplace of Shrek and that accent you think you can do but actually can’t.” It’s an explainer, an editorial, and a comedy bit all rolled into one, and damned if it doesn’t get at the major issues far more effectively than any of the American TV reports that we’ve seen on Scottish independence. Which would be none. Read more on John Oliver Brings You The Scottish Independence Story You Didn’t Know You Were Dying To See (Video)…
  A moron says what?

Why Are We Hating Obama Today? (He Went To Stonehenge Instead Of Syria That’s Why)

This actually happened
Sometimes we hate President Obama because he is golfing or dictator-ing or bad-tan-suiting or presidenting while black. But today, kids, we get to hate him for sightseeing. Neat! See, the president is off in Merry Ol’ Britainland, which is even more foreign and exotic than Hawaii, having some NATO meetings with some world leaders, which is dumb because a real leader doesn’t need those other dumb countries to tell him how to lead, does he? No, he does not. (Except for Poland. Don’t forget Poland. NEVER forget Poland.) While in that other dumb country that is not America, the president committed the high crime of taking 20 whole minutes to visit Stonehenge, which does not have any good airstrike targets, so what is even the point? Doesn’t he realize real presidents don’t sightsee? Or be Obama? Read more on Why Are We Hating Obama Today? (He Went To Stonehenge Instead Of Syria That’s Why)…
  you know who else ... ?

British Politician Gives Hot Tip To Youngsters: Learn To Talk Like Hitler

We will totally admit that we do not know much about politics in Merry Olde Limeyland, mostly because the parliamentary system seems really fucking complicated. How do you British people keep track of them all? Do you just kind of lose track of some of the parties? Because we’re thinking maybe that’s a possible excuse for the existence of one Bill Etheridge, a UK Independence Party (UKip!!) member of the European Parliament (MEP!!) who gave a little public speaking seminar for aspiring politicians where one of his pro-tips was that speakers should emulate Hitler. Read more on British Politician Gives Hot Tip To Youngsters: Learn To Talk Like Hitler…
  stop accusing people of rape! stop accusing people of rape!

Breitbart Has A London Bureau So They Can Call British Rape Victims Sluts

Well how’s this for brand expansion? At some point that we were blessedly unaware of, the Breitbart Empire got itself a London bureau, and yesterday it ran a thoughtful piece explaining that, for the sake of not harming any innocent victims, anonymity for rape suspects should be the norm. After all, no decent fellow should become the victim of what the headline calls “Slut’s Remorse,” which happens all the time, because you know how women are, the sluts. Don’t these women have any idea how painful a rape accusation can be? Read more on Breitbart Has A London Bureau So They Can Call British Rape Victims Sluts…
  can she survive driving on the left?

Michele Bachmann Will Teach These Oxford Dummies A Thing Or Two About How To Debate

Fresh off her vigorous defense of Free American Free Straight and Billionaire People from the bullying of the gays and the liberals who are shutting down freedom wherever they find it, Michele Bachmann is headed to Jolly Old Kidney Pie Land to share her unique language stylings with the Oxford Union, England’s most famous debating society, at least for Muggles. She will be speaking Friday on the exciting topic “Seeds of Progress: The struggle between innovation and bureaucracy.” We are guessing that she will be on the side of “innovation” for this one, because everyone who works in government is a leech who gets in the way of economic progress, according to the former IRS employee who has been in Congress since 2007 and previously served in the Minnesota Senate from 2001-2007. Read more on Michele Bachmann Will Teach These Oxford Dummies A Thing Or Two About How To Debate…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible

Happy Saturday, Wonquistadores! Every week, our web browsers overflow with a fetid slop of stories that were too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not quite worth full posts of their own. Then we mop up the mess and wring out the smelly excess into a big old bucket we call the Derp Roundup. Add grain alcohol, stir, and enjoy! Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Tour Of The Terrible…
  pecan our curiosity

On Her Majesty’s Secret Snack Bowl: Police Were Ordered To Leave Elizabeth’s Nuts Untouched

Here’s a weird little tidbit that’s emerged from the phone hacking trial for executives from Rupert Murdoch’s News of the World tabloid: For reasons not made the least bit clear in this BBC story, on Thursday, the jury was read emails from an NoW editor about suspicious nut-related goings-on at Buckingham Palace. Specifically, Queen Elizabeth was “irritated” by police officers taking nuts from bowls left around the palace for the Queen to nibble on: According to an email sent by Clive Goodman, ex-royal editor at the News of the World, she was “upset” by it. The journalist added that a memo was sent to palace officers, telling them to “keep their sticky fingers out”. Does the BBC provide any context at all for this tale of royal nut-cadging? None at all! In fact, the news of the edict to lay off Her Majesty’s royal nuts is interspersed with information about one of the defendants being declared unfit to stand trial. Which in some ways makes it all the more mysterious and wonderful. Read more on On Her Majesty’s Secret Snack Bowl: Police Were Ordered To Leave Elizabeth’s Nuts Untouched…
  stand your mound

Nice Time At Last: English Lady In Giant Vagina Costume Is Your Newest Superhero

Hey, Wonkers, we have been throwing some pretty grim stuff at you today, so let’s round out the day with a “happy ending” of sorts — how about this feel-good story of how a woman came to the assistance of her co-worker and saved him from an assault by an angry stranger? And even better, they were both dressed as genitalia when it all, uh, went down. A round of applause, please, for your nice-time superhero of the day, Joanne Tremarco, and her freaky vagina costume of great justice! Read more on Nice Time At Last: English Lady In Giant Vagina Costume Is Your Newest Superhero…
  braintrusts

Free Republic Geniuses Would Like To Be Part Of England Again, To Escape Socialism

Oh look, some super-brilliant science nerd at the Free Republic has written an Open Letter to the Queen of Englande! It is full of incontrovertible facts, like how we must rejoin the British Empire, because Barack Obama is socialist. But wait! you are shouting at yourself, while scratching your belly, isn’t the United Kingdom sort of the place that invented “socialist”? Shut up, that’s why! Behold the wit and waggishness, after the jump! Read more on Free Republic Geniuses Would Like To Be Part Of England Again, To Escape Socialism…
 

Wacky British Floppybums Clearly Unprepared for Olympics, Murder Bells Flying Everywhere

Drat, the bell! Did no one think of securing the bells? Hells bells, drat drat drat bollocks, splat. Here is Tiddlywinks McNinnypants, the UK’s “Secretary of State for Culture, Olympics, Media and Sport,” trying to ring a bell, like all British people are required to do during their lunch breaks, and whoops, there goes the bell, breaking apart, flying into a lady, who is now dead. No, she is fine. She has flown off with her umbrella to defeat the Dragons of the North. Where is a glib American management consultant to bring some bloody order to this pippy helltown? Read more on Wacky British Floppybums Clearly Unprepared for Olympics, Murder Bells Flying Everywhere…
  no apologies

How Else Has Mitt Romney Insulted Jolly Olde Englande?

Mitt Romney is trying to prove his foreign policy chops are so much better than stupid hapless old Obama’s, and so he and his advisors are barnstorming across London, whinging about the threat from the Soviet Union. But His Lord High Hairgel has not had the easiest of receptions, as every person in that small island nation has their knickers up their bum because he is constantly insulting them. That’s right. Mitt Romney managed to make a trip supposed to “project leadership” into an international incident with our closest ally. But is laughing at their stupid Olympics (which could not possibly compare to the “national disgrace” helmed by Ol Mittens) the first time he has insulted Great Britain? We will give you one guess. Read more on How Else Has Mitt Romney Insulted Jolly Olde Englande?…
  euromitt

Mitt Romney Does England, Day 1: Meeting The Dandies

The trip of the century has begun! Mitt Romney is in Londontowne, visiting the enemy Empire against whom we literally revolted because of tea taxes. How many lobsterbacks has he killed yet? None; he got a graduate school deferment from fighting in the Revolutionary War. Let’s check in our next, greatest Republican president, as he tries to prove to the world that he “knows stuff” about foreign policy by giving handsies in Covent Garden. Read more on Mitt Romney Does England, Day 1: Meeting The Dandies…
  goodbye fortress america

Mitt Romney Considers First Ever Global War Tour!

Whatta we got in the local clip ‘n’ save today? “Mitt Romney’s campaign is considering a major foreign policy offensive at the end of the month that would take him to five countries over three continents…” HMMMMM. You have to wait until you *win* the presidential election to launch world war, dingus. And then it’s perfectly acceptable. But maybe the rules are different for Republicans. What nations shall Mitt Romney delight with his arsenal of good humor, competitive sport, and decline? Read more on Mitt Romney Considers First Ever Global War Tour!…
  great international rows

David Cameron, You Have Been Cavorting Far Too Much With Barack Obama

The Almighty King of England, David Cameron, recently spent a lovely American spring afternoon with Barack Obama inside a sweaty gymnasium watching college athletes play basketball. They then had a lovely American spring evening at a White House state dinner, at which David Cameron saluted the American liberal president. We all know how creepy Cameron is for Obama. He is 1,000 Royal Navy battleships’ worth of creepy for him. But now Mitt Romney wants some of that action, and he will be a sourpuss until he gets it, tut tut. Read more on David Cameron, You Have Been Cavorting Far Too Much With Barack Obama…
  also a kenyan

British Lizard Queen Celebrates 60 Earth Years of Oppression

Is everyone super excited about the “Diamond Jubilee” of America’s queen of hearts, Elizabeth II? They should be, after her exciting performance at yesterday’s American football spectacular “half time.” Here is the well-known story we all recite to ourselves each night before flogging our own flesh with a thorny wooden portrait of Our Queen: Sixty years ago in a Kenyan treehouse, the reptilian beast-demon known as Princess Elizabeth took part in a loathsome ritual involving swords and cups and other such things. “Liz” — short for “Lizard” — had spent the previous day drunk with a prince-ling, surrounded by herds of bewitched elephants. This is literally what happened, when she became our Queen Mum. Read more on British Lizard Queen Celebrates 60 Earth Years of Oppression…
  flotus files

British Tabloids Uncover Michelle Obama’s Fancy Underwear

The Europeans just cannot get enough of our First Lady Michelle Obama. She is all they have right now, with their money spinning down the toilet and Heidi Klum experiencing a divorce tragedy, etc. Last week, the French shared their opinions about Michelle Obama and her brave decision to not dress like MC Hammer. Now, of course, the British have decided that they do not like competing with France for the title of “Country With Best Insane Published Writing About FLOTUS.” But their take on Michelle Obama is a little more “saucy,” as they would say, because it involves (tee hee!) underpants! Read more on British Tabloids Uncover Michelle Obama’s Fancy Underwear…
  no-o-o-o-o-o future no-o-o-o-o-o future

Wedding of the Century: Meet Your New Prince & Princess!

Have you heard about America’s new king and queen of hearts, Bill and Kate plus Eight? They are getting married very soon! And until the divorce in a few years and the tragic aftermath when Kate runs off with an Arab playboy and Bill falls in love with a tampon, this may very well be the most romantic moment in history! Because there’s something very special when an inbred bucktoothed descendent of Henry VIII or whatever finds a poor girl dressed in rags cleaning the floor of her evil stepmother’s castle in Germany, with her hair, and then he lifts her up and checks her for pox marks and then carries her off to his own castle, in space, after “paying a king’s ransom” to her owners. This is the stuff of bodice rippers, and this is the stuff of dreams. We are still pretty high from 420 day. Read more on Wedding of the Century: Meet Your New Prince & Princess!…
  bloody blood bloods

British Sharia Protestors Giving American Bigots Run For Their Money

Muslim, muslamic law, from Iraq, you know. Muslamic ray-guns? We’re not quite sure what this bloke is saying (something about the metric system and putting blood in their pudding cups?), but we know these guys are better than our bigots. When’s the last time you saw a mosk protest in the United States? Back in the summer before all the teevee shows returned for the fall schedule! Our shriveled-up old bigots are too lazy to protect us from Sharia. And just look at that video! You can fit a lot more bigots into your rally thing when you’re not all in scooters! Read more on British Sharia Protestors Giving American Bigots Run For Their Money…
  religion in the news

Evil Old Nazi Pope Tries To Trick Anglicans Into Becoming Catholics

Trying to finish what his Nazi forces started during World War II, Pope Joseph Ratzinger will attack England tomorrow with a bizarre offer to turn Anglicans into Catholics, even though he has publically described non-Catholic Christians as following a “defective” religion, and also the Church of England lets ladies work as priests, and other Anglican churches allow women to serve as bishops, and in general the decentralized Anglican faith is not really so much known for raping children constantly, the way the ordained Catholic officials rape children constantly, and then spend decades/centuries trying to hide it and discrediting the victims. Anyway, good try, Ratzi, we guess? Read more on Evil Old Nazi Pope Tries To Trick Anglicans Into Becoming Catholics…