Aside from old ladies and Bitters, Hillary's strongest constituency this election has been The Gays, who ironically are just the estranged children of old ladies and Bitters. But now Washington's own gay Blade newspaper — which had already endorsed Hillary and is home to such famous local homosexual journalists as "Jeff Gannon" — is telling Hillz to leave.
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Hey look, that mumbly blonde from the Woody Allen movies was only engaged to Barack Obama for a few months before throwing him over for, uh, that guy from The Notebook. No wait that is Ryan Gosling. Anyhow, we hope this latest engagement may reach a merciful, swift conclusion so that Ms. Johansson can get back to the very important work of fucking Benicio Del Toro in elevators. [People]
Just a few months ago, Barack Obama and Oprah Winfrey were such great friends that rumors flew about their torrid lesbian affair. But now that Barack needs Oprah to reel in the votes of bitter Indiana housewives, Oprah's suddenly so busy that, according to one media analyst, "it might be easier to rearrange George Bush's schedule than Oprah Winfrey's schedule." Is Oprah really busier than America's laziest president, or are more sinister forces at play?
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CRUCIAL FONZIE ENDORSEMENT GOES TO OBAMA: Cool guy Henry Winkler tells LA City Beat that he's supporting cool guy Barack Obama. But Mrs. C is totally supporting Hillary. [LA City Beat]
'THIS LADY RIGHT HERE MAKES ROCKY BALBOA LOOK LIKE A PANSY': Yes, that is what the governor of North Carolina just said about Hillary Clinton. [Political Ticker]
Mike Easley, the Democratic governor of North Carolina, lives in a house made of popsicle sticks (pictured). Today he will announce that while Barack Obama may have clinched the latest reality-show moron vote, Hillary Clinton has earned Easley's enthusiastic endorsement. The governor's nod is sure to help Clinton gain credibility with white working-class types who were already going to vote for her anyway. [Politico]
SENATORS LOVE OBAMA THE MOST: Waffle-gorging Barack Obama picked up an endorsement from Democratic New Mexico Sen. Jeff Bingaman today, making him the most popular candidate in the Elitist Senate! He now has 14 Senate endorsements compared to Hillary's 13, even though Hillary is famous for Knowing Washington. [WP/The Trail]
The most exciting event of the century, the current century and the last one too, is on the Internet's teevee right now: Barack Obama meeting with the INDIANAPOLIS STAR'S EDITORIAL BOARD, HUMMA HUMMA HUMMA! See how well we sell that shit? You Hopefarts can watch the live feed after the jump. He just said we can't be "patsies" in trade with China! What a FUR-BRAIN.
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Since his first choice for President didn't work out and now spends his days angrily catfighting with James Carville on CNN, President Josiah "Martin Estevez Sheen" Bartlet has found solace in the arms of Barack Obama. But just like his old crush Bill Richardson, he is afraid that former "Real President" Bill Clinton will be mad at him — so he made his announcement overseas in England where none of the English-speaking public would let slip this shocking revelation.
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Jenna Bush loves planning her wedding and walking around with feed sacks, but there's one thing she might not love so much: John McCain. In a shocking appearance with her mother on Larry King Live, she allowed as how she might not be voting for a Republican in the fall. Her incendiary remarks, after the jump!
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Just like Sinbad, former Bosnia sniper envoy and popular musical artist Sheryl Crow has stabbed Hillary in the back. She has endorsed Barack Obama on her blog, writing, "I believe, like Barack Obama, that we can change our future, but not by repeating our history. It's my belief that the idea that Barack Obama cannot do the job because of his lack of experience is an empty argument for we have put our faith in experienced Washington insiders who have lied and cheated and look where that has gotten us." Indeed, it is time for old Washington insider candidates like Texas' George W. Bush to go away. [Sheryl Crow]
Remember that time former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum said John McCain was "very rough in the sandbox"? Remember that time he told Hugh Hewitt "there was a reason John McCain collapsed last year, and it's because he was the frontrunner, and everybody in the Republican Party got a chance to look at him"? Well, you'll never guess who Rick Santorum thinks the next President should be! In an editorial in the Philadelphia Inquirer, he lists all the reasons that John McCain will make a wonderful President by keeping man-on-dog sex out of the White House.
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Two conservative, Southern ex-Democratic senators have endorsed Barack Obama for president, even though their region of the country still makes its dollar via chattel slavery. Hooray for free blacks from the North running for president! Neither of the two senators, however, was Zell Miller, who has endorsed Gen. "Stonewall" Jackson.
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The elitism of Barack Obama has reached new depths. Famous Rock Star Bruce Springsteen, a gay French white wine-sipper, has endorsed Barry on his website, citing Obama's potential "to lead that project and to lead us into the 21st Century with a renewed sense of moral purpose and of ourselves as Americans." Blah blah blah, he likes how Hopey is a Communist and that's all. After the jump, more about Bruce Springsteen's elitist credentials.
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