Tag: endorsements

Dear USA Today: You Are Good! You Are Also The Worst!

USA Today published a scathing editorial about why Trump should not be president. Then they let Mike Pence come in and piss all over it.

Your Senate Sunday: Florida’s U.S. Senate Race About As Screwy As Everything Else In Florida

Florida's having another election. Please tighten your safety belts and assume your crash positions.
He seems nice

Paul Ryan’s Primary Challenger Won’t Be Sporting ‘Coexist’ Bumper Sticker Anytime Soon

Paul Ryan's challenger in next week's primary election just wants to know why we allow Muslims in the United States anyway. Khizr Khan has a document he may want to read.
Something about this guy inspires great Photoshops. Perpetrator unknown.

Trump Vows Vengeance On Mortal Enemies Paul Ryan, John McCain, Kelly Ayotte, That One Crying Baby

Donald Trump demonstrated his leadership of the Republican party by telling three senior Republicans seeking reelection that they were dead to him, you hear me, DEAD.

Pennsylvania Democrats Have Hot 3-Way In Race To Take On Pat Toomey (R-Yawn)

a href="http://wonkette.com/600294/maryland-has-two-awesome-democrats-running-for-senate-can-we-have-both"Welcome back to our newish feature, our weekly countdown of U.S. Senate races, yes, even the ones where there's no real contest. But not this week! Last time, we looked at Maryland's primary between two ridiculously well-qualified Democrats;...
Also refuses to take ex-lax

Ted Cruz Wishes Obama And Hillary Would Stop Forcing Him To Be A Dick All The Time

Back in July, it was kind of a big deal when Ted Cruz called Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell a big ol' liar from the tip of his tail to the top of his carapace. This was not only...
He's just saying! That Lindsey Graham is stupid and here is his phone number.

Congressional Republicans Finally Accepting Reality That Trump Is Their New Daddy

They said it couldn't be done. Who is they? You know, they. Donald Trump won't really run for president. Donald Trump won't really make it to Iowa. Donald Trump won't really win any states. Donald Trump won't really blah blah...

Bob Dole’s Limp Penis Endorses Marco Rubio

Marco Rubio is doing so awesome at winning not first place in the Republican primary! Last week, he received the "Fine, you're better than Jeb I guess" nod from South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley, which helped him sweep second-ish place on...
He's like Tim Pawlenty without the charisma

Why Doesn’t The Plain Dealer Want You To See Gov. Kasich Being An Asshat?

So here's a heck of a thing: The Cleveland Plain Dealer newspaper just loves Ohio Gov. John Kasich. In 2010, it endorsed Kasich, seeing in him a candidate "given to Reagan-style optimism and bold, sometimes questionable, ideas." The editorial...
o hai

Mary Burke Just Might Kill Gov. Scott Walker’s Dreams of Losing GOP Presidential Primary

Scott Walker's job security as King of Wisconsin and Union-Buster in Chief appears increasingly precarious, even as he is road tripping to push for a promotion to that oval-shaped office in Washington. Marquette Law School just released a third consecutive poll showing the 2016 presidential...

Dilbert Creator Scott Adams Endorses Murderer Romney To Fight Murder

Scott Adams became famous by using his comic strip Dilbert to satirize life as a cubicle-drone. He crafted the characters as hopeless, tie-wearing corporate types who have long since given up fighting the inefficient bureaucracy in which they operate....

Five Shockingly Living People Who Endorsed Mitt Romney

The Washington Free Beacon lists the five most amazingly Romney-endorsing "celebrities" of the 2012 cycle, and let me tell you, guys, these people are all somehow still alive, probably. 1. Lindsay Lohan The “Mean Girls” star and all-around party girl recently...

Paultards Traumatized By Rand Paul’s Romney Endorsement

Well, tragedy has struck in Ron Paul's kingdom. Rand Paul endorsed Mitt Romney Thursday night on Sean Hannity's show, presumably because he has been promised some high-profile position in Mitt's Barbie and Ken's Dream House™ cabinet. While those pioneering...

George W. Bush Finally Endorses Romney at Ornate Elevator Door-Shutting Ceremony

At last, the only endorsement that matters: George W. Bush supports... Obama, again?... no, the other one, Willard McScalp-o-tron. It must have been the tales of privileged schoolboy terorrizing that ultimately won over Bush's heart. Gotta make'm earn it,...

Santorum Endorses Romney In Sad, Rambling Late-Night Email

Oh, man, when you get a 16-paragraph email from someone at 11 pm you know that only good things are in it, right? Generally these things are some variation of "I DON'T NEED YOU, WHY DON'T YOU LOVE...

Michele Bachmann’s Meanest Quotes About Her Beloved Endorsee, Mitt Romney

Cherished Tea Party "fixer" Michele Bachmann has lent her vast international credibility to the campaign of Mitt Romney, endorsing him at a Virginia event this afternoon. "On November 6th," her announcement actually reads, "the only option is Mitt Romney...