Wonkette

We’re calling it: the election is about to turn “red” again! Even though McCain has randomly surrendered Michigan and now needs to win Pennsylvania to have like a 15% shot at this thing… well this election will not be decided by “math numbers,” it will be decided by the American people! And the American people hate nothing more than the gay French arugula-blowing big government white wine-eating literate elite non-cling snob black coastie welfare magazine, The New Yorker, which has just endorsed Barack Obama. And just to rub it in, the editors have made the endorsement have a whole lotsa WORDS in it. GRRR me wants to start a farmer’s rebellion you in? [New Yorker]

Ron Paul’s very special press conference has ended and, we regret to inform, it featured no “Tournament of Losers”-style death match among the various third-party candidates he invited. He totally copped out and endorsed three third-party candidates: Ralph Nader, Cynthia McKinney, and Chuck Baldwin. He was planning on endorsing Bob Barr, too, but selfish Barr didn’t want to share the blessing with his fellow losers and refused to show up. Ha ha, Bob Barr is in loser-denial. But Paul redeemed his hazy endorsement of these competing hippie agendas by revealing that Phil “Nation of Whiners” Gramm tried to force him into endorsing John McCain. And somehow Paul fended off his heroically persuasive powers! MORE »

Oh look, it’s the famous Ramones/Leonard Cohen producer Phil Spector, the creator of the “Wall of Voodoo,” pictured here in court with a “Barack Obama Rocks” button on his lapel.

No fist jab for you, wig-hat!

[LAT Top of the Ticket]

Forgotten former vice president Dan Quayle is always wrong about everything, so the Obama campaign is surely horrified that the Indiana lightweight “respects” Barack and believes John McCain faces an “uphill battle” in November. Sure, everybody else believes that, too. But if Dan Quayle is endorsing this conventional wisdom … well, see you in Iraq in the year 2108. MORE »

Now that his wife isn’t running anymore, will Bill Clinton revert to being arguably the most popular Democratic official of the last half-century and, you know, help his party out a bit? Maybe hold a big public endorsement spectacle for Obama? Maybe later! He has finally indicated, however, that he will support the Democratic nominee for president, via a one-sentence statement from his people: “President Clinton is obviously committed to doing whatever he can and is asked to do to ensure Senator Obama is the next President of the United States.” Obviously! Maybe he will appear with Hillary and Obama in Unity, New Hampshire on Friday. Or maybe he will cry. Still. [Hotline]

This afternoon Al Gore took a break from eating Cheetos and worrying about the climate in order to bravely post a blog entry encouraging his fellow Democrats to vote for the guy who all the Democrats will be voting for anyway. One thing is clear: You can take anybody and stick them in front of that Obama background and they will look 10 percent leaner, more youthful, and Hopier. [Al's Journal]

• YOU’RE ALL INVITED TO WONKETTE’S HILLARY CLINTON POOL PARTY: Tomorrow, Washington, D.C. will reach a heat index of 105 degrees, Fahrenheit. You will not be able to play outside, so you might as well watch Hillary’s big farewell speech in which she will endorse Senator Barack Obama, depending on your interpretation of “endorse” (shoot?). The speech is planned for noon, and your Wonkette will be here to liveblog it, since we’ll already have been awake for five hours watching Cartoons. Join!

West Virginia’s Robert Byrd, the president pro-tem of the U.S. Senate and a former member of the KKK, has endorsed — gasp! — the Kenyan candidate, Barack Obama! Although he hates black people, Byrd notes that he has “been one of the most outspoken opponents of the Bush administration’s misguided war in Iraq and its saber rattling around the globe,” and this shared view is Obama’s appeal to him. And lest we forget, Byrd made some pretty harrowing speeches before and at the outset of the Iraq War. [Charleston Gazette]

Okay, there’s not a whole lot to the story, but still, GRAND RAPIDS!

John Edwards endorsing Barack Obama in Grand Rapids [WOOD TV]

So hints tragic reporter hero Mark Halperin, who says the Barry campaign will announce a major endorsement between 6:15 and 7:15. Obama will be holding a rally in Grand Rapids, Michigan tonight — and John Edwards got on a plane this afternoon! Maybe he was just flying to Outer Space or some deserted island, far, far away from the speculative hellhole we call the Two-Hour News Cycle.

UPDATE: Nope, no vacation. It’s confirmed by Politico, ABC, MSNBC, NYT, etc. etc., that Edwards will indeed throw his White Weight behind Elitist Barry. [The Page]

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Aside from old ladies and Bitters, Hillary’s strongest constituency this election has been The Gays, who ironically are just the estranged children of old ladies and Bitters. But now Washington’s own gay Blade newspaper — which had already endorsed Hillary and is home to such famous local homosexual journalists as “Jeff Gannon” — is telling Hillz to leave. MORE »

Hey look, that mumbly blonde from the Woody Allen movies was only engaged to Barack Obama for a few months before throwing him over for, uh, that guy from The Notebook. No wait that is Ryan Gosling. Anyhow, we hope this latest engagement may reach a merciful, swift conclusion so that Ms. Johansson can get back to the very important work of fucking Benicio Del Toro in elevators. [People]

Just a few months ago, Barack Obama and Oprah Winfrey were such great friends that rumors flew about their torrid lesbian affair. But now that Barack needs Oprah to reel in the votes of bitter Indiana housewives, Oprah’s suddenly so busy that, according to one media analyst, “it might be easier to rearrange George Bush’s schedule than Oprah Winfrey’s schedule.” Is Oprah really busier than America’s laziest president, or are more sinister forces at play? MORE »