Tag Archives: endorsements

  No film at 11

Why Doesn’t The Plain Dealer Want You To See Gov. Kasich Being An Asshat?

Mentoring means the kids get Mentos, right?
So here’s a heck of a thing: The Cleveland Plain Dealer newspaper just loves Ohio Gov. John Kasich. In 2010, it endorsed Kasich, seeing in him a candidate “given to Reagan-style optimism and bold, sometimes questionable, ideas.” The editorial board seems to have stopped questioning those ideas and has endorsed Kasich again, saying he’s “proven himself a good governor — and an excellent fiscal manager of Ohioans’ money.” Kasich is also “gutsy” for supporting Medicaid expansion — and good on him for that — although the endorsement editorial somehow didn’t mention Kasich’s insistence that Medicaid expansion isn’t really part of Obamacare, not really, so he can still say that he hates the nasty Obamacares, hates it! Read more on Why Doesn’t The Plain Dealer Want You To See Gov. Kasich Being An Asshat?…
  2016 training wheels

Mary Burke Just Might Kill Gov. Scott Walker’s Dreams of Losing GOP Presidential Primary

o hai
Scott Walker’s job security as King of Wisconsin and Union-Buster in Chief appears increasingly precarious, even as he is road tripping to push for a promotion to that oval-shaped office in Washington. Marquette Law School just released a third consecutive poll showing the 2016 presidential hopeful in a dead heat for re-election with his Democratic challenger, former state commerce secretary and Trek Bicycle executive Mary Burke. Read more on Mary Burke Just Might Kill Gov. Scott Walker’s Dreams of Losing GOP Presidential Primary…
  siding with the pointy-haired boss

Dilbert Creator Scott Adams Endorses Murderer Romney To Fight Murder

Scott Adams became famous by using his comic strip Dilbert to satirize life as a cubicle-drone. He crafted the characters as hopeless, tie-wearing corporate types who have long since given up fighting the inefficient bureaucracy in which they operate. It makes people feel better — it’s an office they can relate to, sure, but they can also laugh at how exaggeratedly stupid it is there. Adams appears to be offering the same catharsis to people who try to use analogies. It’s time for President Obama to be “fired,” he wrote yesterday, because of his crackdown on marijuana offenders who are obeying state law in California but defying federal law. He (of course) compares the situation to a corporate office: What if there was a CEO whom you liked, who was doing a good job, but who you found out had murdered a guy and gotten away with it. Should that guy be fired? It’s not crazy to say “yeah, fire the stabby guy even if he’s good at things,” which is exactly what Adams is saying about the presidential race — Obama is ruining people’s lives over weed, and he should be fired. Which is dumb. Read more on Dilbert Creator Scott Adams Endorses Murderer Romney To Fight Murder…
  shyne on bright star

Five Shockingly Living People Who Endorsed Mitt Romney

The Washington Free Beacon lists the five most amazingly Romney-endorsing “celebrities” of the 2012 cycle, and let me tell you, guys, these people are all somehow still alive, probably. 1. Lindsay Lohan The “Mean Girls” star and all-around party girl recently announced that she was voting for Romney. “I just think employment is really important now,” Lohan said to noted news network E!. “So, as of now, Mitt Romney. As of now.” As of now, she says. When the DTs hit, she’ll gladly vote for whoever runs to the nearest liquor store, but that’s a separate issue. It is not clear why a Republican would trumpet the endorsement of Lindsay Lohan, who was pretty much in Mean Girls, then Samantha Ronson’s pants, then a pile of cocaine so large Tony Montana simply Biden-grins at it. Anyway, congrats to Mitt Romney. For now. Read more on Five Shockingly Living People Who Endorsed Mitt Romney…
  "begone insubstantial coward"

Paultards Traumatized By Rand Paul’s Romney Endorsement

Well, tragedy has struck in Ron Paul’s kingdom. Rand Paul endorsed Mitt Romney Thursday night on Sean Hannity’s show, presumably because he has been promised some high-profile position in Mitt’s Barbie and Ken’s Dream House™ cabinet. While those pioneering philosophers over at the Washington Post seriously ponder “what” Rand Paul’s endorsement “means” (absolute f#*&-all), other, better people have begun to tentatively trawl The Daily Paul for some commenter takes on what it means for Ron Paul’s supporters. The Atlantic Wire’s exceedingly polite collection: “Rand Paul is dead to me,” “All he had to do was not open his mouth,” and “We will never vote for Mitt Romney or your flimsy son.” We can and will do better than this. Read more on Paultards Traumatized By Rand Paul’s Romney Endorsement…
  return of the king

George W. Bush Finally Endorses Romney at Ornate Elevator Door-Shutting Ceremony

At last, the only endorsement that matters: George W. Bush supports… Obama, again?… no, the other one, Willard McScalp-o-tron. It must have been the tales of privileged schoolboy terorrizing that ultimately won over Bush’s heart. Gotta make’m earn it, the Bushes like to say. Anyway, Romney better get started moving into the White House right now, because this endorsement hands him the election. Where’d they hold the presser, anyway? Classic “gay weekend at the ranch” type thing? Close. It was more like Bush just hollered something half-assed through closing elevator doors. Read more on George W. Bush Finally Endorses Romney at Ornate Elevator Door-Shutting Ceremony…
  quitters never win

Santorum Endorses Romney In Sad, Rambling Late-Night Email

Oh, man, when you get a 16-paragraph email from someone at 11 pm you know that only good things are in it, right? Generally these things are some variation of “I DON’T NEED YOU, WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME, YOU NEVER LOVED ME.” But Rick Santorum is made of tougher stuff than that, in that he deleted all the random character sequences in the email that he created by weeping and mashing his face against the keyboard for much of the evening. Also, he thinks you should vote for Mitt Romney, he guesses, which is an exciting nugget of information that’s buried in paragraph 13, an “Easter Egg” for die-hard Rick Santorum fans who always check out the special features on their Rick Santorum-related content. What finally convinced our man Rick that Romney wasn’t a gay liberal socialist abortionist? Read more on Santorum Endorses Romney In Sad, Rambling Late-Night Email…
  traitor

Michele Bachmann’s Meanest Quotes About Her Beloved Endorsee, Mitt Romney

Cherished Tea Party “fixer” Michele Bachmann has lent her vast international credibility to the campaign of Mitt Romney, endorsing him at a Virginia event this afternoon. “On November 6th,” her announcement actually reads, “the only option is Mitt Romney for President.” How was she able to contain this salvo of devotion to her hero, Mitt Romney, for so long? Well, she hates him. Remember how she ran for the presidency because she hated Mitt Romney so much? She’s great. Read more on Michele Bachmann’s Meanest Quotes About Her Beloved Endorsee, Mitt Romney…
  very important endorsements

Sad Johnny Boehner’s A Mitt Man

And there was John Boehner, all alone at the Capitol Hill Club at 8 a.m., loadin’ up at the bar for another day of his miserable life. “Who’s president… I should be… the pressydent,” he slurred, nine empty bottles of Sutter Home merlot on his either side. “Hey who’re you asshole,” he says to the imaginary 10-year-old drinking buddy by his side. “I take you OUT little boy,” he mutters, “I coulda… put up your dukes… have a drink… we’re FIGHTIN huh.” Oh, dear, a scene. “Sir,” the boy, who is actually his 45-year-old chief aide, says, “sir we have to go endorse Mitt Romney today.” “Yeah SCREW YOU, sure,” and they head off to the press conference. Read more on Sad Johnny Boehner’s A Mitt Man…
  sellouts

Jeb Bush Gives Up, Endorses Mitt Romney

Grass-fed Florida alligator Jeb Bush, the man who supposedly can’t run for president because of his last name but whose endorsement and support the party appears to deem critical, has given up looking for a White Knight to endorse and will just pretend to like Mitt Romney instead. He has made his endorsement today, half-assedly, months after the Florida primary, now that Mittens has “earned it.” (This is what they call winning a primary in a moderate state where you outspend your opponents 21-1, now.) Read more on Jeb Bush Gives Up, Endorses Mitt Romney…
  the shallow north meets the deep south

GOP Primary/America Over: Jeff Foxworthy Endorses Mitt Romney

How hard do you think executive human Mitt Romney will sweep the Deep South now that he has the solemnly tweeted endorsement of Jeff Foxworthy? Is there a better way to win over voters in the now crucially crucial Alabama and Mississippi than campaigning alongside Jeff Foxworthy, the King of the Deep South according to everyone who doesn’t live there? Probably! But that’s not stopping Mitt Romney, “y’all.” Combine this endorsement with Kid Rock’s (YOW! COWBOY, BABY!), and … you have Jeff Foxworthy and Kid Rock’s endorsements. Read more on GOP Primary/America Over: Jeff Foxworthy Endorses Mitt Romney…
  not by the hair on newt's chinny chin chin

Today’s Love Fest: Sharron Angle For Santorum, Trump For Romney

O blessed day! Breathing desert mirage Sharron Angle has emerged from her candle-lit study, after a meticulous examination of the remaining combatants for head GOP clown, to anoint the weirdest available clown of them all, Rick Santorum! She shuffled her thoughts about, then stapled them together and literally read them aloud, right there on Fox — just like she imagines the real politicians do! Politico is delicately referring to her endorsement as a “shot in the arm” for the Santorum campaign. Which, HELLO FRIEND, that’s not how Earth works!!! You cannot re-animate the corpse of a chupacabra. Like Santorum’s campaign, it doesn’t really exist, it cannot die, and it will never gallop triumphantly off into the sunset. Just not happening. It will haunt the landscape forever, unseen and yet everywhere. Read more on Today’s Love Fest: Sharron Angle For Santorum, Trump For Romney…
  do i haaaaave to?

Famous Floridian Jeb Bush Won’t Endorse *Any* GOP Candidate

Jeb Bush, currently one of the less loathed of the metastatic Bush dynasty, sure is one cool, cool customer! With the Florida GOP primary just around the corner, the former governor has revealed that he will “stay neutral,” despite the judicious application of prostrate groveling from Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, and Rick Santorum. We must hand it to these Bushes: if they don’t want to do it, it is just not getting done! Papa GHW Bush made this abundantly clear when he qualified his tepid December endorsement of Mitt Romney as “unofficial.” (Could a notary public not be located?) Read more on Famous Floridian Jeb Bush Won’t Endorse *Any* GOP Candidate…
  arms outstretched

Sarah Palin Would Vote for Gingrich … In South Carolina

Prattler extraordinaire Sarah Palin came the closest yet to endorsing someone as the Republican nominee when she told Fox News’s Sean Hannity on Tuesday that she’d vote for Newt Gingrich in the South Carolina primary. But you see, this is not an endorsement at all, so for confused Republicans still planning on voting Republican this year, we still haven’t found your svengali. Palin said that if she were a voting South Carolinian, she’d choose Newt because basically it would prevent us all from having to enter our probably only months-long arranged marriage with Mitt Romney sooner than is desired (which is NEVARRRR, but the summer would be our second choice after that). Read more on Sarah Palin Would Vote for Gingrich … In South Carolina…
  mitt 9000 calling

Romney Robocalls SC Voters Using Santorum’s 2008 Endorsement

He’s not gone yet, but Rick Santorum will arguably be carried out of this campaign kicking and screaming by Mitt Romney, the tyrannical stepfather of the 2012 race, who’s just launched robocalls to South Carolina voters that feature audio of Santorum’s 2008 endorsement of Romney as the Republican candidate. On a scale of one to disgusting, does this move rank higher than Santorum yelling at people who can’t even vote? It’s close. But Santorum points out that this ploy could easily confuse voters into thinking that Santorum isn’t even running anymore and that he’s endorsing Romney in the here and now. Read more on Romney Robocalls SC Voters Using Santorum’s 2008 Endorsement…
  saying how we really feel

Boston Globe Endorses Huntsman By Process of Mittlimination

The Boston Globe, not exactly a bastion of conservative dreamweaving, endorsed Jon Huntsman in an editorial appearing in Friday’s paper. The craziest thing about this is not that the Globe chose the ur-underdog, because who doesn’t love an underdog whose name is not Rick Santorum, but that the Globe described 2012 as “an historic opportunity for the Republican Party.” SO SOON? Read more on Boston Globe Endorses Huntsman By Process of Mittlimination…