Wonkette

So long to the mirthful tap-tap-tap of Endless Cummer, the bite of Cocktober, and what turned out to be a mildly gusty Blowvember. We will commemorate your legacies during Dickcember, the winner of our poll. Write-in candidate “Jizzember” almost stole the crown from Dickcember, the wealthiest and most connected candidate, but get real — this is Amerka, and we don’t elect underdogs. Anyway, with Hanucockkah, Cockzaa and Dickmas all integral aspects of the Dickcember melting poofter (no? not working?), don’t be surprised to see some secret, usually gay, usually hypocritical, usually ugly and always funny dicks in Wonkette news. Happy… Whoridays?

Twisted weirdo Mitt Romney seems to be the only Republican candidate with anything resembling morals or “family values” (except for Dr. Congressman Ron Paul, of course!), but even the casual observer is forced to conclude he is some kind of deranged freak. First we learned how he tortures the family dog by strapping it to the roof of a station wagon until the poor shivering beast gushes diarrhea, then we find out how much he loves sucking “tube steak,” and now he’s in trouble for getting a “Vanilla Steamer” and not paying for it. MORE »

Jesus, how old do you have to be to even recognize this terrible goddamned song? This was a big hit by Tony Danza in 1980, originally about something almost as sordid as closeted-gay Republican senators sucking off cops through public-bathroom glory holes: Basically, people living in poorly-constructed ’70s apartment buildings would stomp on the floor to let the poor people living below that it was time to fuck each other. This went on all the time, apparently, until the “Reagan Revolution” turned everybody queer. MORE »

Republican state legislator Bob Allen will finally (maybe) be tried in a Florida court for bravely offering twenty bucks to suck off a “stocky black guy” in a park restroom in order to avoid becoming “a statistic.” Allen was a John McCain campaign co-chief in Florida — all the spots on Rudy’s campaign were taken — before his arrest by that same burly black guy. Ever since, he’s been following the GOP Playbook by refusing to resign, refusing to admit he’s a bathroom queen, and generally dragging down his party in a state where there are actually still some popular Republicans, such as Florida’s proudly single “first black governor” Charlie Crist. MORE »

A Vatican official suspended after being caught on a hidden camera making advances to a young man says he is not gay and was only pretending to be gay as part of his work. [Baltimore Sun/AP]

As the nation slips into a new “Not So Great Depression,” Republicans are embracing a new kind of Compassionate Conservatism that should appeal to poverty-stricken people who’ve lost their homes, jobs and traditional abhorrence of homosexuality and pedophilia. Leading the new effort is Wisconsin Republican leader and Brown County GOP Chairman Donald Fleischman, currently facing charges of child enticement, contributing to the delinquency of a child and exposing himself to a child — all because he (allegedly) wanted to show his love to a runaway boy! MORE »

Idaho Bathroom Goblin Larry Craig is appealing the ruling against his stupid attempt to undo his guilty plea for “disruptive behavior” in the Minneapolis airport’s cruisy toilet. The good times are back, people! In order to continue providing humor to America, Gay Senator Craig and his “wife” are doing the local and national television interview rounds, including a sure-to-be-hilarious appearance on NBC’s Today Show on Wednesday. Larry is gayly taking down what’s left of his party with him by bitchily attacking Mitt Romney and basically daring the Senate minority leadership to put a bullet in his head and dump his body behind a Boise truck stop with the “Super Tuber” recipe taped to his shoes. MORE »

Beloved “Christian Clown” and minister arrested in Illinois “for allegedly taking naked photographs of young boys at a Philippines orphanage.” But don’t worry, the clown was only there on a “clowning trip.” (PS: There are at least two Klutzo the Clowns in Illinois, and this one isn’t the Accused Molester.) [Agitprop]