Doctor Howard Dean got a new job! He will be a “regular contributor” on CNBC, the important business channel which features idiots screaming at each other all day as the stock market does whatever it does — up some days, down some days, etc. Today he did a guest-hosting deal, on some CNBC show. Maybe he’s on right now, who knows! You see, only idiots watch CNBC. It’s a place for cocaine addicts and self-hating day traders and insane old people who think they can “beat the market” and actual retarded people who grab the phone away from the nurse and yell “BOO-YAH.” In other teevee shout-y news, Chris Matthews will be on MSNBC for another four years, which means he won’t be running for the Senate or whatever. [Sam Stein/New York Times]

Right after President Obama was elected, the entire universe of unemployed people and soon-to-be unemployed people rushed to whatever that website was, with the jobs. Hundreds of thousands of people applied for basically a handful of Administration jobs, and now they are all waiting around in DC coffee shops for official word of their rejection. MORE »

Norm Coleman, the humanoid Flowbee and lizard-king who represented Minnesota in the Senate, once, would like to be a senator again but the nasty courts are still legislating from the bench. So while he waits for whatever legal stuff to confirm that he is, in fact, a loser, he has taken a(nother) new, awesomer job. MORE »

LEVI JOHNSTON HAD TO QUIT HIS JOB: This poor kid. All he ever did was impregnate some 17-year-old girl once, a phenomenon that happens all the fucking time, and his only mistake was impregnating the daughter of some nobody governor whom John McCain decided to pluck from obscurity and parade around the national stage because she had boobs and loved Jesus. Now Levi Johnston, who just wants to work in the oil fields of the North Slope — a ball-freezingly cold and thankless job if ever there was one — can’t even do that without people getting all worked up about whether or not he has a high school diploma or not. So whee, he doesn’t have a diploma, so now he can’t be an electrical apprentice, and still these tragic Johnstons are no more or less trashy than 98 percent of America so just LAY OFF ALREADY. [Anchorage Daily News]