Tag Archives: employment

  Hey at least the poors are still allowed to buy guns

Who’s Winning The ‘F*ck The Poors’ Trophy This Week? It is Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback!

Don't mind me, I'm just being a complete asshole.
Welfare queens of Kansas, we are very sorry, for your worst nightmares have come true. Your governor, Sam Brownback, has signed HB 2256, which, as we reported earlier in April, makes all the changes to welfare everybody wants, but is too shy to ask for. Yes, Kansas, you shan’t have to worry ever again about those on public assistance spending all of their $429 a month on glamorous Caribbean vacations, on your dime, or on getting their palms read at Psychic Isabella’s in Kansas City. (Which exists.) You won’t have to worry about them outdoing you in the sexxxy lingerie department either! You can rest assured that they will, by law, only be wearing the same granny panties you are currently wearing. Read more on Who’s Winning The ‘F*ck The Poors’ Trophy This Week? It is Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback!…
  You Can't Make An Omelette Without Fucking That Chicken

GOP’s Awesome Plan To Make America All Better, Starting With Killing A Million Jobs

Thank god somebody has some fresh thinking!
John Boehner and Mitch McConnell have affixed their names to a VERY IMPORTANT op-ed in the Wall Street Journal today,* explaining all the terrific fresh new ideas that they’ll be able to accomplish with their brand-new Republican control of Congress. It’s so fresh and exciting! Just lookie: Read more on GOP’s Awesome Plan To Make America All Better, Starting With Killing A Million Jobs…
  Army Vets Already Know All About Green

Nice Time: Barack Obama Will Get Vets Jobs And Stop Global Warming All At Once

The One shines His Glorious Light Upon Our Valiant Troops
Just to remind people that he is in fact a hippie greenie liberal who likes to stimulate the economy whether the economy is in the mood or not, Barack Obama is moving forward with a program to train 50,000 veterans for solar energy jobs. This is some kind of liberal wet dream, combining a couple of things that Republicans have relentlessly blocked: it’s a jobs program (ugh) that promotes green energy (ugh!) and prepares people for an economy that’s less dependent on fossil fuels (not that; drill baby drill!). Read more on Nice Time: Barack Obama Will Get Vets Jobs And Stop Global Warming All At Once…
  shut up narc

US Senator Jeff Sessions Is A Buzzkill And A Total Narc

Oh noes! The nation’s top Law Enforcement Officer made a joke about weed! Doesn’t he know that pot kills and that it is NO LAUGHING MATTER? What is our once-great nation even coming to when the FBI Director can say something as horrible and shocking as the thing that was said in a hearing by James Comey on Monday! Explaining that the Bureau is having a hard time recruiting “white hat” hackers to fight cybercrime, Comey admitted that the FBI was “grappling with the question” of whether to loosen the restriction on hiring people who have ever smoked the Devil Weed, and even joked — joked!!!!! — that some of the prospective job candidates “want to smoke weed on the way to the interview.” And yet, instead of being cool with it, and maybe even doing some lines (hah!) from the classic “Dave’s not here” routine, Alabama Sen. Jeff Sessions had to go and be a total narc about it. Read more on US Senator Jeff Sessions Is A Buzzkill And A Total Narc…
  employment is an inside job

Insanely Low New Unemployment Numbers Mean Barack Obama Did 9/11

Good news! The new Bureau of Labor Statistics unemployment report came out, and more Americans are working, the unemployment rate dropped to 7.8%, and jobs numbers were revised upwards in July and August. Of course, Barry Obama had a bad debate on Wednesday, so how could the economy mysteriously be recovering two days after Obama lost the entire election, friends? It’s a CONSPIRACY. At least, that’s what a bunch of Republicans are saying. Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you … BLS Troofers, because of course they are. Unbelievable jobs numbers..these Chicago guys will do anything..can’t debate so change numbers — Jack Welch (@jack_welch) October 5, 2012 Yes. They went in and tinkered a decades-old system to get a possible bump out of a positive jobs report. This is eminently logical. Also, they changed the buttons on Jack Welch’s clicker, because he simply cannot get the channel changed from this gonzo teen porn to the Hallmark Channel. Hahahaha, we kid, Jack Welch is not a pervert, just an insane demagogue. Read more on Insanely Low New Unemployment Numbers Mean Barack Obama Did 9/11…
  workplace croneyism

Today (or Tomorrow) We’re All Helen Thomas

The other day (we’re old and can’t remember exactly when … or even where we are right now, actually!), the Wall Street Journal posted on the computer thingamajig that Helen Thomas is “the future of America,” for being 89 years old and (until this month) still working a day job. Perceptive scribe Brett Arends (America’s zeitgeist) listed a bunch of economic reasons for America’s Helenization — no pensions, no savings, no Social Security, no nothing. But what sort of health factors might turn us all ranty a la O.G. Workplace Crone? Read more on Today (or Tomorrow) We’re All Helen Thomas…
  nation of hobos

New Data Shows Economy Still Sucks

Remember all that talk about how the unemployment rate fell by .1 percent last month and this proved, definitively, that happy days were here again? Remember all the sailors kissing ladies in the streets, and the wonderful ticker-tape parades? Well, everything has gone back to being terrible, according to New Statistics. Read more on New Data Shows Economy Still Sucks…
  this week in statistics

Unemployment Rate Still Thriving!

In these difficult times, when it seems everything is declining — corporate profits, individual incomes, assorted varieties and levels of a thing we used to call “hope” — one thing grows ever larger and more robust: our unemployment rate. Let’s hear it for the magical number 9.5, for that is the percentage of Americans who currently don’t have jobs. Read more on Unemployment Rate Still Thriving!…
  hey it's a paycheck

Attention Job Seekers: Glenn Beck Is Hiring!

If you want to weather the recession in style, there’s no better bet than serving our nation’s ever-diminishing population of wingnuts. As more Americans climb aboard B-Rock NObama’s Socialism ‘n’ Poetry Jams Express, frustrated conservatives have flocked to a few of the nation’s last reputable wingnut media outlets for soothing words about how right they still are about everything even if “the news” says they’re wrong. Read more on Attention Job Seekers: Glenn Beck Is Hiring!…
  internet fight!

Meghan McCain Rant Directed At One MATTHEW YGLESIAS?

Hey we solved a mystery, maybe! In her infamous Twitter Rant, Meghan McCain cites “a particularly nasty comment from a person I won’t say how but I indirectly work with questioning if I have ever worked.” Blah blah blah WHAT? (Just read it a few times and it will vaguely resemble English.) So who is this secret meany? He would have written something for the Daily Beast (freelancing = “indirectly working with”)… why it must be prominent young communist MATT YGLESIAS, YES? Read more on Meghan McCain Rant Directed At One MATTHEW YGLESIAS?…
  our flourishing economy

Unemployment Problem Finally Solved

You’ve done it, America! You have already shed so many jobs that you are running out of remaining jobs to lose. That means new unemployment filings for last week were not quite as awful as unemployment filings for the previous week, and were the lowest since late January! We have turned a corner, etc! Read more on Unemployment Problem Finally Solved…
  modest proposals

Having Poisoned World Money Supply, Bankers Can Now Poison Young Minds

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown suggested that a group of unemployed people who represent society’s most rapacious, morally flexible personalities sculpt the vulnerable minds of innocents. We speak, of course, of out-of-work bankers getting jobs teaching school children. Crazy Europeans! What will they think of next, milk in boxes? Read more on Having Poisoned World Money Supply, Bankers Can Now Poison Young Minds…
  baseless rumors

New Stimulus Party Report: Some Guy Drank Beer

We have received another sexy stimulus party report, this time from elitist operative “Eric.” He tells us that he drank imported beer, because he doesn’t like Bud Light (take that, Cindy McCain), that his girlfriend is kind of a pain in the ass, and that he has a job for now. In other words, we have no idea whether he went to a stimulus party or not; we get a lot of e-mails from drunk lunatics for no reason after all. Read more on New Stimulus Party Report: Some Guy Drank Beer…
  class warfare

David Brooks Explains Why We Should Honor The Sacred Rites And Rituals Of Our Crappy Jobs

Oh goodness we spent all day yesterday saluting Bill Kristol, who had to leave the New York Times because he was TOO PERFECT TO GO ON, without noticing a gem of a column by his fellow token conservative David Brooks. He wrote about the profound reverence with which we should approach our professions because they are sacred “institutions.” David Brooks comes from a magical time when people could have a single profession or employer for their entire working life, and might feel like their personal sense of self-worth was related to how well they did their jobs. (This was long before the invention of men’s room attendants, debt collectors, and fryolater de-greasers.) Read more on David Brooks Explains Why We Should Honor The Sacred Rites And Rituals Of Our Crappy Jobs…
  he is not a numbers guy

Joe Biden Makes A Funny About Jobs

Hurrah, it is a very short YouTube clip! Joe Biden says the middle class’s biggest problem is a three-letter word: jobs, J-O-B-S. Three letters, literally. Literally. [Joe Biden Can’t Count]

Former Fred Thompson Manager Shamelessly Begging For Employment

If you played a leading role in disastrous Fred Thompson’s presidential campaign, can you really expect to find employment ever again? Why, you’d be lucky if the U.S. government didn’t deport you to Gitmo for embarrassing America’s good so-so name! One ex-Thompson aide, Sean Hackbarth — the “Co-eCampaign Director” for Grampa Freddy — is finally facing this reality, and it hurts. On his personal blog, Hackbarth posted a shameless, whiny plea under the headline “Job Hunt Continues.” It starts, “After Fred Thompson ended his Presidential run I thought landing a new job wouldn’t be as hard as it has been.” Yes, well, that kind of illogical thinking neatly sums up his current hobo status. Read more on Former Fred Thompson Manager Shamelessly Begging For Employment…