Remember on the ANNIVERSARY OF 9/11 when the Coast Guard held some make-believe high-speed boat chase — they were chasing Osama bin Laden, on the actual Potomac River! — with guns shots and radio screams but didn’t bother to tell a single human being beforehand that it was a drill? Never will such miscues happen again! See, this time around, we know in advance that hundreds of emergency response officials are going to waste insane amounts of resources on a pretend 24esque high-speed Osama Chase tomorrow across all of Northern Virginia, so it’s okay! And if all goes as planned, homeland security teams will be prepared for the real Al Qaeda-coordinated triple-bomb/chemical weapon spill on Route 50 car chase scenario, scheduled for a Christmas release. MORE »

Yoiks! Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm, the woman who could be president someday if she weren’t a secret Canadian, has undergone emergency surgery to remove “a bowel obstruction.” We don’t know much about bowel obstructions except that labrador retrievers get them when they eat pantyhose. The governor’s problem seems to stem from a 1993 car accident. But what will this mean for Michigan’s Democratic delegate mess? MORE »