Everyone’s favorite day to run around half-naked is right around the corner, and as of now it’s supposed to be in the low 50s and raining. Hooray! Have you picked out your slut costume yet? Popular loser costumes this year include Bernie Madoff, Balloon Boy, a Teabagger (unless you somehow go as the non-protesting kind…), or any celebrity that has too many children. Don’t freeze your ass off, and have a “fun but safe” Halloween by doing what we tell you: MORE »

The Blackwater news was, what, two years ago now, and we’re still inexplicably allowing these creepy private security companies to not only take the helm “guarding” major war zones, but to do so without *any* military supervision or need to adhere to basic laws or standards of conduct? Well THANK GOD this is the case, because the private sector works better, always, everywhere, and creates incentives for profit-minded companies to compete in the booming “who can act most retardedly and embarrassingly and illegally in a war zone” market. At the end of the day, it’s savings for the American consumer! No — scratch that: At the end of the day, it’s naked, fat contractor slobs, supposedly protecting the U.S. Embassy in Kabul, but really just drinking poop-filtered cheap vodka and chips with dip, the dip being poop, from each other’s unwiped assholes. MORE »

Because the Obama Administration hates Iran’s freedoms so much, it has rescinded permission for U.S. embassies to invite Iranian diplomats to their Fourth of July parties. Come on, parents, don’t take it out on the kids! Robert Gibbs said the change in policy came about “given the events of the past many days,” referring to Mark Sanford’s cumming. State Department spokesperson Ian Kelly, however, “said no Iranians have accepted” the invitations anyway and “indicated that the U.S. saw little reason for them to, given the political crisis over their disputed presidential election.” Again: maybe they would have accepted if you had promised a Super Soaker war. They’re just like water cannons! [AP]

MOOOOOM, CAN… CAN MY IRANIAN DIPLOMATIC EQUIVALENT SPEND THE NIGHT, PLEEEEASE?: “In a new overture to Iran, the Obama administration has authorized U.S. embassies around the world to invite Iranian officials to Independence Day parties they host on or around July 4th. A State Department cable sent to all U.S. embassies and consulates late last week said that U.S. diplomats could ask their Iranian counterparts to attend the festivities, which generally feature speeches about American values, fireworks, and, of course, hot dogs and hamburgers.” Slip ‘n’ Slide? Super Soaker proxy war? SPARKLERS? Don’t get cheap, embassies. This is Iran. Pressure. [AP/TPM]

The U.S. Embassy in Angola invited 50-Cent to address their staff — and their staff’s children — on the subject of HIV and AIDS awareness last month. It turned out pretty much as you’d expect. MORE »