Tag Archives: email

  We Get Letters

Yr Wonket’s New Wingnut Admirer Wants To Put His Peen In A Liberal Lady Editor

Always nice to hear from our fans
Yr Wonkette recently shared a very important email alerting us and other members of the “#ObamaMedia” to the Real True Truth about John Kerry’s “bicycle accident” in France — it’s all fake! Kerry was actually the victim of an attempted assassination by ISIS! Read more on Yr Wonket’s New Wingnut Admirer Wants To Put His Peen In A Liberal Lady Editor…
  All 'Guess He's Ore-GONE' Comments Will Be Deleted

Oregon Gov. Kitzhaber, Vowing To Never Give Up, Never Surrender, Resigns

What good is influence if you can't peddle it?
Well, this is completely unanticipated! Oregon Gov. John Kitzhaber has resigned, just days after announcing that no way in the world was he going to resign, which of course was obvious code for “Yeah, call U-Haul and reserve a truck for this weekend.” He was sworn in for his fourth term as governor just a month and a day ago. Read more on Oregon Gov. Kitzhaber, Vowing To Never Give Up, Never Surrender, Resigns…
  The Long Grift

Scammy Conservative PACs Fleece Your Grandma With This One Weird Trick

Last week, Mother Jones reported that Mike Huckabee used his PAC to funnel more than $400,000 to his family. This week, Politico’s Ken Vogel gives us a story about scammy conservative PACs that make thousands of dollars from home with just one weird trick. Read more on Scammy Conservative PACs Fleece Your Grandma With This One Weird Trick…
  And What About All Those Red Indians?

No, Mr. Limbaugh, Thanksgiving Has Never Been A Celebration Of The Pilgrims’ Triumph Over Socialism

The Platonic Ideal Of Cheesy Thanksgiving Photos
It’s Thanksgiving Day, so as we gather together with (or hide from) our families, however functional or dysfunctional they may be, let us remember the true meaning of any American holiday: It’s an opportunity to pound home a political lesson about why We Are Good and They Are Bad. It’s a revered grim tradition: You serve Susan Stamberg’s socialist NPR cranberry relish, and your Teabagger brother-in-law recites how the settlers of Plymouth Plantation nearly starved because they had socialism forced upon them, but finally prospered after they became capitalists. Here’s a fairly typical version of the story that was emailed to our Wonkette tip line in 2012; the story was also a favorite of Rep. Todd “Shut that down” Akin, and in 2013, Rush Limbaugh wrote a best-selling children’s book promoting the same fantasy. Read more on No, Mr. Limbaugh, Thanksgiving Has Never Been A Celebration Of The Pilgrims’ Triumph Over Socialism…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Messages Of The Day: If You Read The Bible, You’d Know How Real Demons Are, You Moron

To the editors: I liked the old library better.
Time for another trip to the comments queue well, where we skim off the finest of our would-be commenters’ contributions. First up, a real treat: an actual good old-fashioned email sent to Yr. Doktor Zoom by “Vinbin76,” who had a bone to pick with us after we made fun of that dumb WND piece selling DVDs by claiming that Robin Williams committed suicide because of demonic possession. It’s a tad long, so we’ll tighten it up a bit. Vinbin76 takes a dim view of most Christians and an even dimmer view of Yr Doktor Zoom: Read more on Deleted Messages Of The Day: If You Read The Bible, You’d Know How Real Demons Are, You Moron…
  fool to do your dirty work

Chris Christie, Political Football

Happy Super Sportsball Bowl Day, everyone! It is a glorious day for New Jersey, as two squads of Human Growth Hormone-injected monsters meet in the state to kick the ball and throw the ball and run very fast and give each other brain damage. But what else is going on in the Garden State today? New Jersey quarterback Chris Christie is getting “sacked” by public opinion and also “fumbling” his own idiot lies. (Sportsball!) A few days ago, the lawyer for Chris Christie’s Best Friend Forever (Forever), David Wildstein, whom he’d never met, released a letter intimating that Chris Christie might have known some stuff about some things about the time David Wildstein, along with Bridget Jones Kelly, shut down some lanes on the George Washington Bridge to find a stranger in the Alps. Well Chris Christie was not taking that lying down in a puddle of his own sick, no sir! He has sent an email to his idiot GOP friends in response! But does it “raise more questions than it answers”? Fuhgeddaboutit. Read more on Chris Christie, Political Football…
  All Politics Is Local Lane Closures

Chris Christie A Petty, Vengeful Monster, Part Infinity, Section Fort Lee Lane Closures, Subsection Amateur Hour

NorthJersey.com, what did you bring for Show & Tell today? Oh wow! That looks like an email from a top Christie aide that says “Time for some traffic problems in Fort Lee” (pdf). Class, what do we think about this email? Does it “raise serious doubts about months of claims by the Christie administration that the September closures of local access lanes to the George Washington Bridge were part of a traffic study initiated solely by the Port Authority”? Does it make you wonder if Chris Christie is an actual non-human troll who lives under the GWB in the burned-out fuselage of a taxpayer-funded helicopter? Interesting questions to think about as we get out our textbooks and turn to chapter 58: “The 58th Reason Why Chris Christie Should Not Under Any Circumstances Be President.” Read more on Chris Christie A Petty, Vengeful Monster, Part Infinity, Section Fort Lee Lane Closures, Subsection Amateur Hour…
  actually this one is real

Words That Say Mery Crismass From Ur Gal Me Sarah Palim

Hey besties, Wow, it’s Crissmass again! So fun, espcially here in AK (that’s alaskan for Alaska) where Santa Klaze has his summer home and its so dark in winter, it makes me sad but then I go Tanning and it helps a lot, and I look tan then too which also is helps ya know. The hole Palin clam is just doing so great, Todd has been working on his Snowmachine for it seems like a week and try and make it fly in the air like a fake bird, that’s what he said at lease but I think he just likes to whack on it with a hamer and smell how it smells, the grease fums. Barstow is working hard at her stuff, Willy is cooking a jello, Gakk is playing with his foot, And all the rest of them are also too. Read more on Words That Say Mery Crismass From Ur Gal Me Sarah Palim…
  could you tell that this one was satire maybe?

Hey Folks, Merry Christmas From Your Old Buddy Barack

My fellow Americans, Remember when you were really excited to get an email from me, even though you were pretty sure someone else wrote it? Me too. Those were good days. This Christmas, I thought it would be nice if I could give you that feeling again. The catch is that you have to help me by pretending a few things. Pretend it’s early 2009 and the normal rules of politics for whatever reason don’t apply to a president you really, really like. Pretend that the Democrats still control every branch of government, and that the Democrats are actually interested in helping me fulfill my campaign promises. Pretend that you’re really excited for this thing called “Obamacare,” which is going to be great even though the idea came from a conservative think tank, Mitt Romney was the first guy to try it, and it depends on insurance companies not being total dicks. Can you imagine that? Read more on Hey Folks, Merry Christmas From Your Old Buddy Barack…
  yup still satire

I, Ted Cruz, Say You’re Welcome For Your Holy Christmas Freedoms, America

Dear Patriot, This year, I was honored when you invited me into your home as the only man in Washington with the guts, the intelligence, the dedication, the bladder control, and the overall excellence to delay a routine budget agreement for many good reasons, especially Obamacare. Now, with Christmas upon us, I’m honored to invite you into mine. I’m happy to report that the Cruz family is doing great. Heidi got a nice bonus from Goldman Sachs and even brought home a bunch of those canvas totes with the bank’s logo on them. We’ll probably donate them to the Salvation Army, because we love helping poor people as long as nobody is telling us how to do it. Meanwhile, Dad is getting the den ready for the Christmas flagellations, a Cruz family tradition. He got a new tarp this year, and he’s covering the furniture like a kid in a tarp store. We haven’t heard from mom in a while. I’m sure she’ll turn up. And the kids are making paper snowflakes. I keep telling them that snowflakes are supposed to be symmetrical, but they won’t listen. Maybe Santa will flagellate some sense into them! Read more on I, Ted Cruz, Say You’re Welcome For Your Holy Christmas Freedoms, America…
  this is the part where we explain that this is satire

Warmest Holiday-Themed Sentiments From Hillary Clinton

Sisters and brothers, This is the time of year when many of us celebrate holidays! I hope you are enjoying the one or ones you celebrate with any persons you hold dear. I know I am, with Bill and Chelsea and her husband Marc Mezvinsky. I’ll tell you — you haven’t played Scattegories until you’ve played it with us. So much yelling, what a hoot! I still miss Socks, though, remember Socks?  I do. Read more on Warmest Holiday-Themed Sentiments From Hillary Clinton…
  And What About All Those Red Indians?

Sorry, Mr. Limbaugh, Thanksgiving Has Never Been A Celebration Of The Pilgrims’ Triumph Over Socialism

It’s Thanksgiving Day, so as we gather together with (or hide from) our families, however functional or dysfunctional they may be, let us remember the true meaning of any American holiday: It’s an opportunity to pound home a political lesson about why We Are Good and They Are Bad. It’s a revered grim tradition: You serve Susan Stamberg’s socialist NPR cranberry relish, and your Teabagger brother-in-law recites how the settlers of Plymouth Plantation nearly starved because they had socialism forced upon them, but finally prospered after they became capitalists. Here’s a fairly typical version of the story that was emailed to our Wonkette tip line last year; the story was also a favorite of Rep. Todd “Shut that down” Akin, and now Rush Limbaugh has a best-selling children’s book promoting the same fantasy. Happily, there are a couple of good debunkings of this idiocy, although they probably won’t carry much weight with teahadis, since they come from the radical communist New York Times and the Marxist-Trotskyist-Muslim-Gangnam-Style Right Wing Watch. Should culture war break out around the dinner table, you may just want to say you got your rebuttals from Paul Harvey. Then when they go to look it up on their smartphone, you can spill gravy on it. Be sure to apologize. (We got that tactic from Saul Alinsky.) Read more on Sorry, Mr. Limbaugh, Thanksgiving Has Never Been A Celebration Of The Pilgrims’ Triumph Over Socialism…
  Oh no. Not again

Illinois GOP Dude Resigns After His Harmless Race-Baiting Gets All Blown Out Of Proportion

In yet another instance of political correctness run amok, a county GOP chair in Illinois has resigned under pressure after calling former Miss America Erika Harold a “street walker” and other charming phrases. Harold is a Republican herself, running in a primary against Montgomery County GOP Chairman Jim Allen’s favored candidate, incumbent Rep. Rodney Davis. Just to ensure his brilliance reached the widest possible audience, Allen sent a confident statement to a conservative blogger, who Allen must have presumed would be impressed by his ability to sound like a Yahoo! News commenter on a meth binge:* “Rodney Davis will win and the love child of the D.N.C. will be back in Shitcago by May of 2014 working for some law firm that needs to meet their quota for minority hires,” he wrote. “… Now, miss queen is being used like a street walker and her pimps are the DEMOCRAT PARTY and RINO REPUBLICANS.” What is this country coming to? It is getting to where you can’t even call a black lady a “street walker” surrounded by “pimps” without being accused of being some kind of racist or sexist or something. Read more on Illinois GOP Dude Resigns After His Harmless Race-Baiting Gets All Blown Out Of Proportion…
  And What About All Those Red Indians?

No, Thanksgiving Is Not A Celebration Of Triumph Over Socialism: Your Tofurkey Warblog

It’s Thanksgiving Day, so as we gather together with (or hide from) our families, however functional or dysfunctional they may be, let us remember the true meaning of any American holiday: It’s an opportunity to pound home a political lesson about why We Are Good and They Are Bad. It’s a revered grim tradition: You serve Susan Stamberg’s socialist NPR cranberry relish, and your Teabagger brother-in-law recites how the settlers of Plymouth Plantation nearly starved because they had socialism forced upon them, but finally prospered after they became capitalists. Here’s a fairly typical version of the story that was emailed to our Wonkette tip line; other versions are promoted by ugly bag of mostly lipids Rush Limbaugh and by the now-departing Rep. Todd Akin (R-Shut Down). Happily, there are a couple of good debunkings of this idiocy, although they probably won’t carry much weight with teahadis, since they come from the radical communist New York Times and the Marxist-Trotskyist-Muslim-Gangnam-Style Right Wing Watch. Should culture war break out around the dinner table, you may just want to say you got your rebuttals from Paul Harvey. Then when they go to look it up on their smartphone, you can spill gravy on it. Be sure to apologize. (We got that tactic from Saul Alinsky.) Read more on No, Thanksgiving Is Not A Celebration Of Triumph Over Socialism: Your Tofurkey Warblog…
  frustrated

Is Your Dumb Old Aunt Writing Obama’s Campaign Email Subject Lines?

As we learned in Sunday School, it’s super important to make a good “first impression” when sending some spam email to a 2008 political supporter. How many emails do you delete without opening because the subject makes it perfectly clear what’s in that email? Let’s say “ninety percent,” to be conservative (like Obama!). For several years now, the Obama campaign has been in the “delete without opening” file. We know they want money, or for us to watch a speech first and then give money, or for us to look at a YouTube clip and then give money. Read more on Is Your Dumb Old Aunt Writing Obama’s Campaign Email Subject Lines?…
  email of the day

Brave Patriot Complains To Wonkette Re: ‘blacks, mexicans, whit trash’

As always with the very special emails to your Wonkette, tonight’s gem offers no particular point of reference. We can assume it’s a generalized response to this or that post about income inequality or the nation’s biggest corporations evading all taxation, but assumptions are never wise when dealing with a teatard on the Hotmail. Are you ready for some random capitalization and rows of furious question marks and a denunciation of state colleges, for some reason? Read more on Brave Patriot Complains To Wonkette Re: ‘blacks, mexicans, whit trash’…