Tag Archives: elizabeth warren

  We’re just not that into her

Carly Fiorina Begs America To Beg Her To Run For President

The view from inside Carly's head
Photo by Beth Ethier Lady Republican Carly Fiorina — whose name is pretty much synonymous with “EPIC FAIL” and “Demon Sheep” and “LOL!!!” — is pretty sure there is a groundswell of grassroots support for her to run for president. At least if she can convince the grassroots to start swelling. Read more on Carly Fiorina Begs America To Beg Her To Run For President…
  nice time!

Senate Dems Throw Elizabeth Warren-Shaped Bone To Annoying Liberal Base

Liz Warren, easy riding over the banks
The Huffington Post reports that popular populist Sen. Elizabeth Warren will assume a new leadership role in the rump Democratic caucus. She will be “crafting the party’s messaging and policy” in a “new position created specifically for her,” which is a notable departure from what happened the last time a position was created specifically for her and Richard Cordray filled it instead, how rude! Read more on Senate Dems Throw Elizabeth Warren-Shaped Bone To Annoying Liberal Base…
  New plan

Democrats Have Great Exciting New Idea: Being Democrats

Here, Dems, is your new business model
Photo by Tim Pierce Here’s an idea that’s so crazy, it just might work! After the thorough ass-kicking the Democratic Party suffered on Election Day, some Democrats are considering the possibility that maybe running “Democratic” candidates who are embarrassed to be Democrats is not the best way to appeal to the Democratic Party. Crazy, huh? With candidates refusing to support Obamacare, refusing to support Democratic policies, refusing to even say “Hell, yes, I voted for Barack Obama because I am a Democrat, DUH,” the new minority is thinking maybe it’s time to get back to being Democrats. Read more on Democrats Have Great Exciting New Idea: Being Democrats…
  playing dress-up

Poor James O’Keefe Can’t Even Trick Dumb Dems Into Committing Voter Fraud

Image via YouTube James O’Keefe’s fault — if he has a fault — is that his flair for the dramatic can sometimes get in the way of his top-secret undercover investigations. Subtlety is not something that comes naturally to the wunderkind who rose to conservative fame on the strength of his downmarket Huggy Bear impression. During his most recent operation in Colorado, however, things took a turn for the intellectual. O’Keefe’s new approach to expose all those left-wing ballot bandits: pass himself off as a liberal academic with the help of a young sidekick, grownup facial hair and, presumably, some leather elbow patches. Read more on Poor James O’Keefe Can’t Even Trick Dumb Dems Into Committing Voter Fraud…
  Here have some news n stuff

Elizabeth Warren Is Being A Badass Again, Because It Is A Day

Elizabeth Warren for everything
By Twp [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons We sure do love us some Sen. Elizabeth Warren because ALL the reasons. She is always yelling at the too-big-to-fail banks and the sleazy credit card industry and the sleazier Republican Industrial Complex and the greedy bastards who think They Built That. And here she is again, telling it like it is again, which is why we love her all over again some more forever: Read more on Elizabeth Warren Is Being A Badass Again, Because It Is A Day…
  Scott Brown will party SO hard for you New Hampshire

Scott Brown’s New Frat-Bro Dude Friends Have Such Nice Things To Say About Congressgirls!

Republican Scott Brown, the former senator from some dumb state that doesn’t matter because he’s always been a “phony from New Hampshire,” is a Very Serious Candidate. He only wants to talk about Very Serious Things. No matter how many times Democratic incumbent Sen. Jeanne “She’s So Mean” Shaheen tries to talk about issues that don’t matter — like Brown’s voting record and dumb chick stuff, which no one cares about, DUH — he is trying to focus on the things he is trying to focus on. When he was reminded again (so annoying!) that Shaheen has accused him of not actually being pro-choice because he is actually not pro-choice, despite his attempts to pretend that he is, Brown gave this Very Serious Response: Read more on Scott Brown’s New Frat-Bro Dude Friends Have Such Nice Things To Say About Congressgirls!…
  Primarily Boring

Scott Brown Drives His Man-Truck To Victory In Massachusetts Or Whatever: Your Final Primary Wrap-Up!

The nominee and his nipples
The last primaries of 2014 took place last night, and there’s a fun upset-not-upset in the mix! Up in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts (God Save It! © Charles P. Pierce), lantern-jawed newcomer Seth Moulton became the first Democrat in 22 years to unseat a sitting congressman in a primary, beating scandal-plagued John Tierney by eight whole points. Get us up to speed here, Boston Globe, because not all of us are hardy lobstermen living on Boston’s North Shore. Read more on Scott Brown Drives His Man-Truck To Victory In Massachusetts Or Whatever: Your Final Primary Wrap-Up!…
  He is not the jobs creator of you!

No, New Hampshire, Scott Brown Will Not Create Jobs For You, Duh

The best man to represent wherever he happens to land
Once upon a time, there was a centerfold named Scott Brown. And he had a truck. And he loved his truck very much. And he also loved his home state of Massachusetts, where he was from and had always been from, almost as much — so almost as much, he wanted to be a senator from his home state of Massachusetts and go to Washington D.C. and give that evil President Obama what-for and save the Republican Party, hooray! And how was he going to do that, exactly? By, according to Scott Brown, “working each and every day to create jobs in Massachusetts.” Read more on No, New Hampshire, Scott Brown Will Not Create Jobs For You, Duh…
  Honey bring me another bag of Taco Bell I'll be in my room

The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Learns Elizabeth Warren A Thing Or Two

A man gave us money to buy a subscription to the Sarah Palin Channel. That man was Fartknocker. This week, on the Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report, Presented to You by Fartknocker, Sarah Palin travels back in time to a month ago, when Elizabeth Warren gave a big LIEBERAL word-word-word to Netroots Nation. The gays and commies at Netroots, they liked it! Sarah Palin, she did not like it so much. Let’s listen! Read more on The Sarah Palin Fartknocker Report: Sarah Palin Learns Elizabeth Warren A Thing Or Two…
  'hoft' doesn't sound like an american name

There Goes Elizabeth Warren Being Hitler Again

Hitler was also a Harvard professor!
Having successfully fucked over a Texas charity last week, Stupidest Man on the Internet Jim Hoft decided to try some new formats over the weekend, and attempted a Buzzfeed-style listicle. For instance, based on a tip from a reader, he noticed some ideas in Elizabeth Warren’s ‘Eleven Commandments for Progressives” that were “EERILY SIMILAR” to the “25 points of the Nazi Party” as promulgated by Hitler in 1920. We looked at the two lists, and we have to agree: they are both lists! Read more on There Goes Elizabeth Warren Being Hitler Again…
  sweet carolina

Joe Biden Melts Hearts And Panties In South Carolina

Is our favorite vice president of all time, Old Handsome Joe Biden, guzzling some of those five-hour energy drinks we see advertised everywhere? Because word is he went to a Democratic Party fundraiser in South Carolina on Friday night and tore shit up, son. Probably going to be a mini-Democratic baby boom down in that area in about nine months. Not that OHJB has eyes for anyone except Dr. Jill. It’s just that his raw animal magnetism is such that he can make a lady pregnant with his eyes. He’s that awesome. OHJB was actually in Columbia to deliver the commencement speech at the University of South Carolina but took the time to head to the fundraiser and rally the troops. While there, he gave a speech that attendees described to CNN as “populist” and “Elizabeth Warren-like,” hitting on themes of how the middle class is still struggling economically while corporations are more beholden to their stockholders than their employees. OHJB channeling Liz Warren? Are your panties a total loss yet? Read more on Joe Biden Melts Hearts And Panties In South Carolina…
  warren tramps and thieves

Stupidest Man On The Internet Has Made This Sexy Elizabeth Warren Indian Princess Pic, For You To Fap To

The Stupidest Man on the Internet has some interesting news judgment. While the rest of us are plying you with post after hilarious post about the right-wing’s considered opinion that Donald Sterling Is Not Racist, plus some recaps, he is still on Elizabeth Warren being a fake Indian, probably, we don’t know, we didn’t bother to read it, because we are busy FAPPING TO SEXY INDIAN LADY ELIZABETH WARREN! We will use this picture from now on, forever, because it is le sex. Read more on Stupidest Man On The Internet Has Made This Sexy Elizabeth Warren Indian Princess Pic, For You To Fap To…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Has Feelings About Lady Politicians And Their Hysterical Emotions (Video)

Jon Stewart gets at the very important issue of sexism in politics with “breaking news from the inside of another human being” — that is, Chelsea Clinton’s Politically Meaningful Baby, the grandchild that could make all the difference for Hillary Clinton’s possible campaign, or be completely meaningless — except to Darrell Issa, who “has already subpoenaed the baby to testify about Benghazi.” Read more on Jon Stewart Has Feelings About Lady Politicians And Their Hysterical Emotions (Video)…
  fapfic

Elizabeth Warren Writes A Book, Which Means She Is Running For President

America’s favorite fake Indian, Senator Perfesser Lizbeth Warren, has written a new booky wook, squeeeeeeee, aaaaaah, ARE YOU GOING TO BUY IT, I KNOW ME TOO!! The book is called A Fighting Chance (buy it here, we get money), and the Boston Globe and The New Yorker already have reviews up if you want to read them. But will the Globe and the New Yorker join you in freaking out about this, oh my god it’s going to be so good? They will not, so we will now blockquote at you: On her first day on the job, [former Treasury Secretary Tim] Geithner — who Warren often disagreed with — took her out to lunch. When she showed up at his office, he presented her with a present: a cop’s hat. Then they got into the back seat of an SUV that was driven by a security detail. Warren put her seat belt on; Geithner didn’t. “Like a bossy third-grade teacher, I looked at him and said, ‘Put on your seat belt, Mr. Secretary,’ ” Warren writes. “Like a naughty kid, he looked back and said, ‘I don’t have to.’ ” SASS FACTOR OF TEN, MADAM SENIOR SENATOR OF MASSACHUSETTS. We look forward to reading the slash fic in which Geithner and Lizzy Dubs just totally do it, right there in the SUV, with the Secret Service watching and everything. (We are not good at writing slash fic.) But also, Geithner “presented her with a present”? Unacceptable, especially when there’s a perfectly good thesaurus available to all Microsoft Encarta users. That’s enough copyediting snark for today. Do you want more ambiguously sexual dialogue to snicker at? “You’re jamming me, Elizabeth,” Obama said. YEAH YOU ARE, SENATOR SEXYTIMES. “He urged me not to overplay my hand,’’ she writes. “Got it.’’ Let it build…let it build… Read more on Elizabeth Warren Writes A Book, Which Means She Is Running For President…
  stranger in a strange land

John Sununu Just Loves Scott Brown’s Virtual New Hampshire DNA

Drudge Sirens for the culmination of the most unsurprising long tease of the political year, please. It’s finally official: Prettyboy hair-mass Scott Brown has announced that he’s running for Senate in New Hampshire, where he hopes to defeat incumbent Sen. Jeanne Shaheen. And despite the fact that as recently as December, his trusty pickup-truck prop still had Massachusetts plates (a problem he’s since corrected), and even though he once hilariously mangled the state’s motto as “Live Free and Die,” Brown’s supporters want you to know that Scott Brown is a New Hampshire almost-native through and through, and he didn’t really mean it when he was Senatoring for that other state next door. And former New Hampshire Gov. John Sununu wants everybody to know that in moving to New Hampshire to run, Scott Brown is “coming back to his roots” and is definitely not a carpetbagger, while Jeanne Shaheen totally is a complete outsider who is not Of The Body. That should be interesting. Read more on John Sununu Just Loves Scott Brown’s Virtual New Hampshire DNA…
  most anticipated sequel of the year

Elizabeth Warren Stars In ‘Scott Brown Gets His Butt Kicked 2: Electric Booglaoo’

We cannot tell you how excited we are to have Scott Brown to kick around again as he’s now going to flail his way through running for Senate in New Hampshire. Yesterday, Maureen Dowd explained to us that Democrats were secretly super scared of a Brown run, except we all know he will not win, which is a weird definition of “scared.” We spent yesterday in prayer hoping that somehow the complete pantsing of Scott Brown this time around would include Elizabeth Warren again, because she did such a great job of it in Massachusetts. Our sky god loves us because our wishes were granted. Read more on Elizabeth Warren Stars In ‘Scott Brown Gets His Butt Kicked 2: Electric Booglaoo’…
  you're not living up to your potential

Elizabeth Warren Is Gently But Firmly Disappointed In Your Judiciary Choices, Barack Obama

Yesterday we told you all about how one B. Barry Bamz was trying to cram a gay black judge down Florida’s throat and how that is too terrifyingly liberal for Marco Rubio, but hoo boy Rubio ain’t seen nothing yet, because here comes Elizabeth Warren to primly yet sternly lecture Obama on how he is not cramming enough liberal socialist public interest type judges in your mouth hole, America. Obama has been touting his acquisition of diversity cookies, with a whole website devoted to how many not-white-men he has nominated for the federal bench. That is a good thing, for reals! But your favorite law professor librarian lady Senator who seems like she would make the coolest spinster aunt ever is here to explain that you really need a federal bench that isn’t just a passel of corporate lawyers. Read more on Elizabeth Warren Is Gently But Firmly Disappointed In Your Judiciary Choices, Barack Obama…
  priority mail this sucka

Elizabeth Warren Will Help The Post Office Kick Payday Lender Ass

Do you lurrrvvvveeeee Senator Elizabeth Warren, mostly because she looks like the awesome schoolmarm/librarian of your childhood dreams? Of course you do, silly. She’s all the smart and fair fiscal and consumer policies you could ever want, rolled into a very nice lady who has balls of steel. Today, Warren brought the hammer the fuck DOWN on payday lenders, suggesting that we could just toss those scummy companies right out the door and let the US Postal Service partner with banks to handle banking services for low-income/low bank access people. First, a word on just how scummy those payday lenders are. Have you ever used one? Do you live somewhere where there are basically no banks and you have to go to a payday lender instead? You get the privilege of going somewhere that manages to find a way to skirt most state-level financial regulations and charge you whatever the hell they want to access your money or borrow money. But if you ban these check cashing/payday lending horrorshows, you literally leave the poors with no way to access their money, since jerbs insist on paying you with checks. But, if we kick it USPS stylee like Warren suggests, we can provide banking services to the poors and not screw them over at every turn. Yay! Read more on Elizabeth Warren Will Help The Post Office Kick Payday Lender Ass…
  nice time!

Ladies And Gentlemen, Wonkers And Wonkadoos, Your National Legislative Badass Of The Year, Elijah Cummings!

While 2013 certainly kept all the womyn busy in the kitchen baking shitmuffins, there were some bright and awesome spots where legislators on the national stage groped around to find long-lost sets of (gender-neutral) testicles and stood up for everything that is right and just in this world. In order to honor those men and women who encouraged us to step slowly away from the ledge, we have created the most coveted award in all the land: Legislative Badass of the Year. Despite tough competition from both chambers, we proudly present this year’s award to… ELIJAH CUMMINGS! Before we salivate and slobber and talk up this year’s champ, we have to give mad props (is that still a thing? We don’t know because old) to several runners-up who made us smile and feel good in all the right places. Read more on Ladies And Gentlemen, Wonkers And Wonkadoos, Your National Legislative Badass Of The Year, Elijah Cummings!…
  you guys are much better at this than the caption contests

Hey Please Make Us An Elizabeth Warren And/Or Hillz Clinton Cup Design For Christmas, Okay, Thanks

Wonkers, it is December, and we still are trying to sell you the same old warmed-over crap we have been selling you for over a year. Why? Because our ex-boyfriend/eternal art director Paul did not make us good Elizabeth Warren cups, or Hillz cups, for us to send to the Burmese Coffee Cup Slave Labor Company and then on to you. But many of you are quite gifted with the design, of the things! So you have until, hmmm, anytime today (Friday), to design us a cup of Hillz, or a cup of Professor Schoolmarm, and the winner will get AN ACTUAL PRIZE! (It will be a cup.) Read more on Hey Please Make Us An Elizabeth Warren And/Or Hillz Clinton Cup Design For Christmas, Okay, Thanks…
  political ads to bombard your television in 3...2...

Only 1085 Days Left Until The Next Presidential Election, Let’s All Go Die

OhEmmGee, you guys! Remember how a year ago we were all Hopey and Changey Part II and still drunkenly reveling in the streets because Blablack Blackbama was returning triumphantly to the White House and we were finally done with Richie Rich and his TigerBeat sidekick? Well strap on your campaign buttons because while there are only 36 shopping days until the pagan celebration of mid-winter, there are ONLY 1,085 DAYS UNTIL THE NEXT PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION! Don’t care about it yet? No one else does either. But since there are only so many shit-sandwiches we can write about, let’s sexplore what completely irrelevant things politicians are doing three years out in order to get their names in the newspapers!  Read more on Only 1085 Days Left Until The Next Presidential Election, Let’s All Go Die…
  same senate different day

Senate Welcomes Cory Booker With Traditional Obstructionism

Cory Booker, welcome to the Senate. On a day better known for scary costumes, you are one good-looking piece of eye-candy that we are very excited to see more of! And you were sworn in by the only man in the Senate we would like to bone more harder, Old Handsome Joe Biden, playing his oft-overlooked role of President of the Senate. What kind of treats does the Senate have in store for you today? Well, less than an hour after being sworn in, you got to cast your first votes. But your recent victory streak came to a screeching halt, per WaPo: Senate Republicans on Thursday blocked a vote on the nomination of Rep. Mel Watt (D-N.C.) to lead the Federal Housing Finance Agency.  The Senate voted 56-42 to proceed to a vote on Watt’s nomination — shy of the 60 votes required to end debate. Welcome to the Senate, Cory, where a ‘majority’ of 42 Senators get to hold up the people’s business. Democracy is a strange thing, sometimes. Read more on Senate Welcomes Cory Booker With Traditional Obstructionism…