Tag Archives: elizabeth warren

  counting down the weekly top stories

And Then Suddenly All Eyes Were On Charleston. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Beautiful souls, each and every one.
Well, Wonkers, it was a sad week, as we, and the nation, became transfixed on the gruesome murders that took the lives of 9 people attending a Bible study at a historic black church in Charleston, South Carolina. And wouldn’t you know it, even amidst such rage and sadness, wingnuts still managed to fuck it up more, by saying some of the grossest things imaginable. And surprise, some of those posts made this week’s top ten! Read more on And Then Suddenly All Eyes Were On Charleston. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  You buy things now

Make Your Dad’s Fathers Day Great, With Wonkette Signature Dadbod Apparel!

YUP.
Oh no, it is the Saturday before Father’s Day, which is tomorrow, on Sunday, and you have not gotten your dad a present yet! Never fear, for we have all the goodies American dads crave, in the Wonkette Gift Shop and Bar and Grill! It’s like Cracker Barrel, but with more socialism. Read more on Make Your Dad’s Fathers Day Great, With Wonkette Signature Dadbod Apparel!…
  dumb

Wingnut Chorus: Fake-Black NAACP Lady Just Like Fake-Lady Caitlyn Jenner, Haw Haw Haw

Welcome to the stupid part of the internet.
So that weird story is going around, about Rachel Dolezal, the head of the Spokane chapter of the NAACP, who may have been pretending to be black for many years, while actually being a white lady from Montana. Most normal people’s reactions to the story have been along the lines of “Huh!” and “That’s weird!” and “Well, I’ll be!” But not wingnuts. Oh no. Because they were led to believe, perhaps by unintentionally negligent parents, that they are “clever” and “good at thinking,” they immediately saw the parallel that flew right over silly liberals’ heads: CAITLYN JENNER! Because, see, Caitlyn is transgender, and now Dolezal is TRANSBLACK, because that’s a thing, you betcha, and all the wingnuts patted themselves on their sweaty grundles, satisfied that they had stuck it to the liberals YET AGIN!, Read more on Wingnut Chorus: Fake-Black NAACP Lady Just Like Fake-Lady Caitlyn Jenner, Haw Haw Haw…
  Et tu Nancy?

Democrats Betray Obama On Trade Deal, Guess He’s Done Being President Now

Hmm, yeah, still not funny
Looks like President Barry H. Bamz is officially in lame duck season, because on Friday, House Democrats stabbed him right in the back — they also betrayed, rejected, revolted, and rebelled! — blocking a bill to allow him to make super top secret trade deals with other countries. (That’s how trade deals are made, apparently. In secret. Because of sensitive things we humble folk couldn’t possibly understand and don’t need to know, yay for  transparency.) Read more on Democrats Betray Obama On Trade Deal, Guess He’s Done Being President Now…
  Boss Fight

Elizabeth Warren Pretty Sure She Knows A Thing Or Two About How Banks Work, Thank You

Please drop your condescension toward the Senator from Massachusetts. You have 20 seconds to comply.
There’s this guy, Jamie Dimon, who’s the CEO of JPMorgan Chase. He thinks it’s sad that banks aren’t allowed to break the law. And Wednesday, he said a real Stupid Thing. He said, to a whole greedful room of bankers, that he wasn’t sure whether Elizabeth Warren really gets banking: “I don’t know if she fully understands the global banking system,” he said, before generously offering to explain it all to her, most likely in itty bitty words that even a Harvard Law professor could understand. Read more on Elizabeth Warren Pretty Sure She Knows A Thing Or Two About How Banks Work, Thank You…
  You Crazy Dimon

Chase CEO Jamie Dimon Wonders If Elizabeth Warren Even Knows How Banks Work

Oh, she knows all right. That's why you're worried.
Seems JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon isn’t familiar with certain truths about what you should never do: never tug on Superman’s cape; never start a land war in Asia; and never EVER tell Elizabeth Warren she doesn’t really get the intricacies of the banking system. But that’s exactly what Dimon did in front of a roomful of bankers at a meeting in Chicago Wednesday. We’re looking forward to her inevitable reply, because Elizabeth Warren does not suffer pompous CEOs gladly. Read more on Chase CEO Jamie Dimon Wonders If Elizabeth Warren Even Knows How Banks Work…
  TAKE THAT HITLER-Y

Surprise! Americans Love Socialism, Want To Kiss Bernie Sanders Right On His Man-Lips

Bernie's on yr tits, winning all yr elections.
Is Bernie Sanders going to take away Hillary Clinton’s tiara and crown himself King of America, with votes? MAYBE! It turns out that, unlike the 19 Republicans running (one per Duggar child, as the Bible instructs), Sanders is real serious about his candidacy, and people are really liking what he has to say. Some of his events have even been standing-room only! Read more on Surprise! Americans Love Socialism, Want To Kiss Bernie Sanders Right On His Man-Lips…
  That's enough of that

Sorry, Losers, You’re Stuck With Elizabeth Warren Kicking Ass In The Senate

Oh they finally heard her
Elizabeth Warren, she is our goddess queen progressive posterlady legislative badass hero. We love her, and we’d love to see her be the boss of all the things: Congress, the Supreme Court, the White House, the banks, the schools, every government agency that has letters in its name, and your mom. But since we cannot elect Elizabeth Warren Czarina of The Universe, we are quite content to watch her kick ass, take names, and yell at various bad guys, in her polite and concise Harvard schoolmarm way, as the senior senator from Massachusetts and official extra-special message-crafter for the Democratic Party. And now the pathetic losers behind the “Run Warren Run” campaign have reluctantly agreed to settle for that too: Read more on Sorry, Losers, You’re Stuck With Elizabeth Warren Kicking Ass In The Senate…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

If The Duggars Love Hobby Lobby So Much, They Should Gay Marry It. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Let's buy pipe cleaners. Kids like pipe cleaners.
Happy Sunday, you scrappy weasels. We hope you had a nice week, enjoying all the gross news yr Wonkette had to report, because all the news was just terrible and gross and bad. We thought we had our fill of kid-touching stories with Josh Duggar, but then Denny Hastert came in and was like ME TOO, I TOUCHED KIDS TOO. ALLEGEDLY. So it’s time to take a look see at the top ten stories of the week, as chosen by you, the wise Wonkers. Read more on If The Duggars Love Hobby Lobby So Much, They Should Gay Marry It. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  Ahhhh that's better

Sit Back And Relax With Some Soothing Elizabeth Warren Getting MAD About A Thing

Has it been that kind of day for you? US TOO! So let us take a breather from all the ewwwwwww gross Duggary, what we have been telling you all about, YOU’RE WELCOME, and soothe our weary souls with our favoritest thing in the world, and YOUR favoritest thing in the world too: Sen. Elizabeth Warren, Queen of the Democrats and also queen of our liberal-progressive-whatever-we-call-ourselves-these-days hearts, telling it like it is, like A BOSS. Read more on Sit Back And Relax With Some Soothing Elizabeth Warren Getting MAD About A Thing…
  let's gossip about the week's top stories

No Duggars Were Harmed In The Writing Of This Post. Your Weekly Top Ten.

Yep, still gross.
Happy Memorial Day, gentle readers! We usually do the sexy, exciting Top Ten Stories Of The Week post on Sundays, but it is a holiday, which means it is still the weekend, hurray! Now, usually your top ten most favoritest stories cover a range of topics, but this week, SPOILER ALERT, it’s Duggar-Thirty and you’ve got an appointment. By this point, you probably already know that Josh Duggar, adult son of Jim Bob and Michelle, has a history of kid-touching. But there were very many angles to that story, and yr Wonkette explored them all! Read more on No Duggars Were Harmed In The Writing Of This Post. Your Weekly Top Ten….
  Promise to never do it again

Too Big To Fail Banks Sorry For Scheming To Steal All The Money In The World

While you're down there...
In a story so shocking it’s not shocking at all, news comes today that six of the too-biggest-to-failiest banks in the entire world worked together in secret to control currency prices, for SIX YEARS, and thus enriched themselves in the process. And now they have to pay $5.8 billion in fines, because they are guilty guilty GUILTY. No, really, act surprised: Read more on Too Big To Fail Banks Sorry For Scheming To Steal All The Money In The World…
  unlikely defenders

Bill O’Reilly: Leave That Sexist Barack Obama Alooooooone!

Sexism expert.
Watch the latest video at video.foxnews.com If you’ve been obsessed like we have with the utterly riveting debate over the Trans-Pacific Partnership, you are aware that there is a bit of a meta-flap about how commie gay Kenyan usurper Barack Obama can add “lady-hater” to his list of adjectives, because he called your favorite Sen. Elizabeth Warren by her first name in an interview. The exact quote: “The truth of the matter is that Elizabeth is, you know, a politician like everybody else.” You might be saying, “But Elizabeth is her name and they are grown-ups, and the president calls girls and boys by their first names, WHAT?” But that didn’t stop Ohio Democrat Sen. Sherrod Brown from saying Obama is a big old sexist, because he never would have said “Sherrod, you are A Idiot,” he would have said “Mighty penis-having Senator Brown, you are A Idiot.” (Even though yes he would — and has.) Read more on Bill O’Reilly: Leave That Sexist Barack Obama Alooooooone!…
  sure why not

Bernie Sanders Will Be President Of Forcing Hillary To Act Like An Actual Liberal

Listen up, MORANS!
Bernie Sanders, independent Soviet Socialist senator from Vermont, who has been Elizabeth Warren-ing since the actual Elizabeth Warren was lecturing Wall Street bankers IN HER DIAPERS, will announce his candidacy for the presidency, as a Democrat, on Thursday. Sanders appears to be running on a platform of “seriously, okay, Hillary, you’re going to be president and that’s fine, but could we possibly turn this god-dang ship to the left?” And that is a good thing! Read more on Bernie Sanders Will Be President Of Forcing Hillary To Act Like An Actual Liberal…
  Sunday Gossip Hour

It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Sit Next To Each Other And Talk Sh*t About People

Gossiping cat has thoughts to share.
Happy Sunday, Wonketariat! We hope this love note finds you fat and happy. We should take a moment before we go get ACTUAL brunch, to do internet brunch gossip about the Most Popular Stories of the week. You all were all over the place this week, with your favorites! Read more on It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Sit Next To Each Other And Talk Sh*t About People…
  Complete with matching blankies for you and your libertarian sex lover

Let’s All Poke Through Rand Paul’s Online Garage Sale And Then Not Buy Anything

Today is the day Rand Paul has been waiting for, when Rand Paul announced that Rand Paul will officially lose the 2016 election! And wouldn’t you know it, he came prepared, for he has many, many nice things for sale, in case you need Rand Paul on your tits, your dick, or your bedroom ceiling, which is where you’ll want to put that fancy eye chart up there! Yours for only $20.16! He did an eye chart, you see, because he pretends to be an ophthalmologist. Read more on Let’s All Poke Through Rand Paul’s Online Garage Sale And Then Not Buy Anything…
  make yourself a nice bloody mary and sit with us

It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Reminisce About The Week That Was!

Hola, Wonkerados! How is your Easter Sunday going? Ours is very nice! Won’t you sit and have some internet brunch with us, so we can reminisce about all the lovely things that happened during the week? It wasn’t all Indiana and gays and religious freedom! (Er, actually a lot of it was, but other things also happened, according to our admittedly hazy memory.) Read more on It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Reminisce About The Week That Was!…
  Allow her to retort

Elizabeth Warren To Wall Street: Drop Dead

Oh, she knows all right. That's why you're worried.
The too-big-to-fail banks think they’re going to teach Professor Elizabeth Warren and the rest of her progressive rebel scum a lesson about saying mean things about them. As we just learned, the heads of the five families dick-swingers from Citigroup, JPMorgan, Goldman Sachs, and Bank of America have been talking amongst themselves about how to get Warren to pipe down with all her talk about how corrupt they are and how they caused the financial crisis in 2008 that almost broke the country. Their bright ideas include withholding $15,000 per bank in “campaign donations to Senate Democrats in symbolic protest,” or possibly leaving a horse’s head in Sen. Warren’s bed. Read more on Elizabeth Warren To Wall Street: Drop Dead…
 

Obama Mentions Voting Rights At Selma, Conservatives Outraged Of Course

it's not playing the
On Saturday, your blackest president ever, Barack Obama, traveled to Selma, Alabama, to speak at the 50th anniversary commemoration of “Bloody Sunday,” when civil rights protesters were beaten by police when they walked across the Edmund Pettus Bridge. The events of Bloody Sunday and other protest marches in Alabama led directly to the passage of the Voting Rights Act of 1965, so this is an excellent event to solemnly celebrate, and we are very happy that both Republicans and Democrats joined in attending the event, including former President George W. Bush and many congressional Republicans. Read more on Obama Mentions Voting Rights At Selma, Conservatives Outraged Of Course…