Tag Archives: elizabeth edwards

  oh did she mention she has a new book out?

Rielle Hunter Is ‘Sorry’ She Fell In Love With Your Husband, Ghost Elizabeth Edwards

It has taken seven years and the united hatred of a country that normally couldn’t agree on whether the sun is blocked by the rotation of the earth or whether it is eaten by the moon every night. Oh, and it has taken having a new book out, but forget that. Rielle Hunter is sorry. She apologizes. She did not know when she fell in love with John Edwards that it was selfish and wrong and terrible and cunty and the worst. And she did not know when she fucked him that she would fall in love with him, which was selfish and wrong and cunty and the worst. Read more on Rielle Hunter Is ‘Sorry’ She Fell In Love With Your Husband, Ghost Elizabeth Edwards…
  but when did she stop beating her wife?

America’s Favoritest Deadbeat Dad Joe Walsh Wins Re-Election With Spy Photo Of Opponent Picking Out Dress

Sorry, guys, but GAME OVER. Illinois Congressman and paragon of personal responsibility Joe Walsh has handily defeated his opponent even with four weeks or whatever left to go. How did he do this? By holding up, during their debate, a photo of his opponent picking out a dress to wear at the Democratic National Convention, where she would be giving a speech. Wait a minute, she? His opponent’s a lady? And his big GOTCHA is that she wore a dress? Do not try to wrap your puny mortal brains around what goes on in the mysterious silence of Joe Walsh’s skull. He’s ineffable, and unknowable, and a crazy motherfucker. Like God! Read more on America’s Favoritest Deadbeat Dad Joe Walsh Wins Re-Election With Spy Photo Of Opponent Picking Out Dress…
  skanks

Rielle Hunter and ‘Johnny’ Edwards Consummate Greatest Love Story Of Our Time

Watch out Liz and Dick, and Romeo and Juliet, and Buttercup and Wesley, and Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun, and Bristol Palin and that creepy Gino guy: Rielle Hunter is here to write the gauzy, Vaseline-lensed story of her Great Love with the world’s best husband, father, and all around guy, John Edwards, and it is a tale of Chivalrous and Romantic Love that will leave you breathless! Like for instance, how John Edwards denied paternity of their lovebaby because he was “temporarily insane” from 2008 until two weeks ago! “He was temporarily insane” and “needed serious help” when he denied paternity of their child in August 2008, she writes. “Think about it: Sane healthy people do not deny their children, especially on national TV, simply because they are afraid of their abusive spouse’s reaction. Only a mentally off person would do that,” she says. Edwards publicly acknowledged the 4-year-old only after the judge declared a mistrial on May 31. Read more on Rielle Hunter and ‘Johnny’ Edwards Consummate Greatest Love Story Of Our Time…
  it's morning in america

GOP Congress Ratifies Constitution Again Or Something?

John Boehner will create more jobs today by forcing members of Congress to take turns reading passages from the United States Constitution, because one of the new “rules” is that the 112th Congress has to “do something third graders would do, in social studies class” before they can begin the business of the day (shouting NO!! at each other and shooting rubber bands at the Guam delegates/any brown people sitting politely in the gallery). Another likely explanation for this dumb bullshit exercise is that the new Teabagger Congressmonsters actually think they’re voting to ratify the Constitution, and you know how they feel about carefully reading each piece of legislation before voting on it! (This is also why Eric Cantor uploaded the Constitution to his website three days before reading it on the House floor, like an idiot. It’s called “transparency,” people.) Read more on GOP Congress Ratifies Constitution Again Or Something?… Read more on GOP Congress Ratifies Constitution Again Or Something?…
  things that happen to humans

Elizabeth Edwards Is Dying, Hates the Baby (Baby Jesus)

Hey you guys, Elizabeth Edwards, that lady whose husband cheated on her, is now dying. Do you remember when John Edwards announced she was dying of cancer at the beginning of his 2008 campaign, but he was staying in the race so you would vote for him out of pity? Yeah, that campaign promise was broken, because Elizabeth Edwards has lived for a while after that. She lived because she had unfinished business on this planet: She had to write a book about her husband’s bone-time and go around selling it to strangers. “Here is my anguish. There is a lot of sex stuff in it,” she told us, not long for this world, and everything ruined by her dumb husband. And now soon she is going away from us forever, according to a public statement she left in the hands of her dearest friend, The Facebook. But wait! There is no mention of Jesus in that statement! She hates that baby, and she and her cancer have teamed up to ruin His birfday, according to some guy! Read more on Elizabeth Edwards Is Dying, Hates the Baby (Baby Jesus)…
  poor quinn

Elizabeth Edwards Leaves John After Seeing His Terrible, Terrible Baby

Whoa hey Elizabeth Edwards has left her Johnny finally, according to the People magazine. Hmm. Was there… a problem? As usual, this is poor baby Quinn’s fault: “After meeting the love child that rocked her 32-year marriage to one-time presidential candidate John Edwards, Elizabeth Edwards has had enough… Last December, Elizabeth met the 23-month-old Frances Quinn Hunter – the baby John fathered with mistress Rielle Hunter – in a mediated visit at a North Carolina hotel.” Jesus, did the creature have a massive anus on its head or something? [People] Read more on Elizabeth Edwards Leaves John After Seeing His Terrible, Terrible Baby…
  uhhh

A ROUSING DEFENSE OF THE WIFE OF THAT VULGAR MILL-WORKER: Elizabeth Edwards: Saint or sinner? Lady who carries a purse, or lady who pulls credit cards out of her bra? Doomed fatty, or doomed fatty? “I knew there was no way she was going to lose 40 pounds. You could just tell she loved life too much to let things like diets stand in the way of a good time.” Yum! [Washington Post] Read more on …
  humble shopkeepers

Elizabeth Edwards Selling Furniture Now

Hey look it’s an Edwards story that is *not* about how a self-regarding butthole managed to continually embarrass himself and his family of mill workers with his bathroom-dwelling, mistress-impregnating antics. It’s a nice story about Mrs. Elizabeth Edwards, and her new furniture store in Chapel Hill! Read more on Elizabeth Edwards Selling Furniture Now…
  clownfarts mcold

Richard Cohen Simply Does Not Know What To Think About Elizabeth Edwards

The worst writer in the world, Washington Post landed gentry spokeswoman Richard Cohen, has met Elizabeth Edwards and John Edwards too! “I know John and Elizabeth Edwards — not well, just a bit. I’ve been to their house — the old house, the one in Washington. I had breakfast with them. I found her smart, likable. I never knew what to make of him. A three-dollar bill, I always suspected.” He knew about this all along, basically. “She drove me to where I could get a cab. We talked. What about? Can’t remember. Now this. What to think?” Who fucking knows GAHH! Read more on Richard Cohen Simply Does Not Know What To Think About Elizabeth Edwards…
  john edwards

SEX CREEPS: “One day, between now and January, this alleged scandal will have to be addressed — and if John Edwards did nothing more than pay a friendly late night Beverly Hills hotel visit to his former videographer who was impregnated by his married loyalist friend, so be it. He can explain himself and go back to helping the Two Americas or whatever.” [AOL Political Machine] Read more on …
  just pour some tussin on it

Magic 8 Ball Knows Everything About Health Care

Here’s the debut ad from the newly formed “Health Care For America Now,” an advocacy group for universal health care with Elizabeth Edwards as its figurehead. Its message is clear: 40-some million Americans lack health insurance not because of its cost or availability. No, the real reason is that whenever Americans try to find decent, affordable plans, this unusually surly Magic 8 Ball shows up on their couch and tells them to put a sock in it. [WSJ, YouTube] Read more on Magic 8 Ball Knows Everything About Health Care…
 

John And Elizabeth Edwards Hate Clinton, Obama, Rest Of Thankless World

Do you know who John Edwards hates? Everybody. And do you know who his cranky wife hates? Everybody else. Together they have enough hate to rule America, but nobody wanted to elect Senator Goodhair so instead they are spewing their bile at some tragic People reporter who faithfully transcribed their angry rants. Find out what they Like and Dislike about the people who will be president instead of them! Read more on John And Elizabeth Edwards Hate Clinton, Obama, Rest Of Thankless World…
 

Neener, Neener, “They” Made Hillary Cry

Hillary Clinton publicly survived: marital infidelity by her President husband; ruthless mocking by her critics; and a stinging 3rd place finish in the Iowa primary (despite her “inevitable” status) without shedding a public tear. Damn, those women’s forums can really break even the hardest woman down. Today, when asked how she “does it,” Hillary began to tear up as she said “I’ve had so many opportunities from this country” and continued as she talked about how hard it is to be mocked but that she does it because she wants to make things better. Read more on Neener, Neener, “They” Made Hillary Cry…
 

John Edwards’ Blog Becomes CUTE Dog Show

John Edwards is always excited to go home and see his Aryan cyborg-children after a hard day on the campaign trail. Rare are the days when he doesn’t bring them treats from the local haberdashery — Christmas figs! Turkish delights! Turkish Silvers! Ah, those Edwards boys love their patriarch. And that love grew twofold recently when Edwards came home with two new puppies, Rufus and Emma Claire! Yesterday, the Edwards team announced the “latest additions” to the family on its campaign blog, opening the door for commenters to post pictures of their new puppies too. Interestingly enough, one of these commenters was Tracy Russo, who writes said campaign blog. Read more on John Edwards’ Blog Becomes CUTE Dog Show…
 

John Edwards Did Not Have Sex With That Hippie

John Edwards was stupid enough to deny reports from the National Enquirer that he had an affair with that nutty hippie. Reporters asked him about it yesterday and he said it was “completely untrue” and “ridiculous.” So we’re done with the part where “real” reporters refuse to mention the story at all until its sorta “reported” in a “disreputable” tabloid (or website!) and we can move on to the nonstop meta-media “what have we become” handwringing part where we all keep hearing about this “ridiculous” story over and over again until they give John Edwards his own Nobel prize! Read more on John Edwards Did Not Have Sex With That Hippie…
 

“In some ways, it’s the way we have to go,” [Elizabeth] Edwards says. “We can’t make John black, we can’t make him a woman. Those things get you a lot of press, worth a certain amount of fundraising dollars. Now it’s nice to get on the news, but not the be all and end all.” [CIO Insight] Read more on …
 

Elizabeth Edwards Likes It Rough

Hey everybody, John Edwards is on the cover of Esquire magazine and that means there’s some kind of interview inside and … OMG so that’s how he broke her rib: “I hope this isn’t too personal,” I said to Edwards, “but I was reading about how Elizabeth discovered her cancer this second go-around. It was a broken rib, correct?” “Yes,” Edwards said. “The papers said you were hugging her — which is always nice to hear, a married guy hugging his wife. It must have been bizarre. What happened, you just hugged her and heard a snap?” “Maybe it is a little personal,” Edwards said, laughing self-consciously. Read more on Elizabeth Edwards Likes It Rough…
 

This Week in Pride

Meanwhile: Elizabeth Edwards’ star appearance at the huge Alice B. Toklas Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Democratic Club Pride Breakfast this weekend marks something of a landmark in a presidential campaign — the first appearance of a major candidate or spouse at the San Francisco Gay Pride festivities. Read more on This Week in Pride…
 

Emma Edwards Betrays Father, Elizabeth Trolls Blogs

During an Iowa campaign stop, 9-year-old Emma Claire Edwards made her true feelings about the presidential race known. After a brief stop at a Little League game in Beranek Park, where Emma Claire mentioned that her softball team’s name is the Hawkeyes, the family ventured on to Tipton to rejoin their favorite candidate. Oh, but that’s not entirely accurate — or at least it wasn’t on Saturday. When the Edwardses visited the Cedar County Democrats’ tent, Mrs. Edwards asked her daughter which of the presidential candidates she liked best. Read more on Emma Edwards Betrays Father, Elizabeth Trolls Blogs…
 

Gays & Elizabeth Edwards All Snakin’ On John Edwards

John Edwards has apparently been going around saying he’s “not comfortable” around the gays, which is kind of funny coming from a guy who hangs out in $400 hair salons. But his wife Elizabeth wants everybody to know John only gets weirded out when the gays are really coming on strong to him, or threatening to sodomize him with reptiles or something. Read more on Gays & Elizabeth Edwards All Snakin’ On John Edwards…
 

‘Guilt For History Hypothalamus’ Is The Largest Erogenous Zone

* Brain study of liberal Democrats in captivity discovers advanced development of the “bleeding heart lobe.” [Warst] * Alberto Gonzales “secret hiring order” printed in all caps, SO HE WOULDN’T FORGET. [TPM Muckracker] * Elizabeth Edwards sooo regrets not punching Jay Carney in the face last night. [Swampland] * Jon Voight says America has broken the honorary 28th amendment and “forgotten about 9/11.” [Newsbusters] * Rupert Murdoch plans to use awesome power for forces of good? [Grist] * Hamas’ “Death to America” Mouse has his show canceled. [JPost] * Is “Lou Dobbs the next Don Imus?” In our fucking dreams. [Stop the ACLU] Read more on ‘Guilt For History Hypothalamus’ Is The Largest Erogenous Zone…