No sooner did word break last March that New York governor Eliot Spitzer had been patronizing hookers than it devolved into deep unsexiness. We’re talking about Spitzer, after all, one of the least desirable humans on the planet! He refused to take off his socks during sexytime. His “high-class” hooker was just some Jersey girl with bad tattoos and a history of drug abuse. Eliot Spitzer made prostitution boring again. MORE »

• Famed incidental ironist Bristol Palin will participate in a panel about preventing teen pregnancy. [CNN Political Ticker]
• Same sex marriage is now half-legal in Maine! Vermont is totally there in spirit but it got distracted because Ghostbusters was on teevee and also its roommate had just ordered food. [Ben Smith]
• David Plouffe, the sociopath who regularly torments all of America by managing to send dumb emails at the exact moment when Americans are waiting for an actual important correspondence, has admitted that Boy-Governor of Utah Jon Huntsman makes him want to vomit. [HuffPost]
• Slate intern Eliot Spitzer likes to go “talk politics” at Tina Brown’s sad brunch fetes. [Daily Intel]
• According to Vanity Fair, Caroline Kennedy dropped out of the Senate race that one time it became apparent she wasn’t going to be named Senator all because her daughter told her she was too good for it. Mmm. [Gawker]

Governor David Paterson is pissed that Iowa and Vermont look more progressive than New York, so he is fixin’ to change that by introducing an exciting and controversial gay marriage bill to the surprisingly conservative New York State Assembly. It is much like the exciting and controversial gay marriage bill that Governor Eliot Spitzer introduced a year before he had to leave office for having adulterous heterosexual sex with a female hooker. What incipient scandal awaits Governor Paterson? [City Room Blog]

Eliot Spitzer was on the Today show this morning to chat with Matt Lauer about that time the latter fought a deer with his bike, and lost. Now look, jokes about how Eliot Spitzer made it with all the ladies are not funny anymore, at all (although it is funny in this interview when Matt Lauer basically asks Spitzer how many hookers he’s sexed, specifically). Spitzer is smart and goddamnit he should have another job! He should still be running New York! Total FBI-Wall Street conspiracy set-up with this guy, maybe. [MSNBC/Salon]

DAVID PATERSON IS FINISHED: New York Gov. David Paterson, whose reign started about a year ago in that very auspicious first week when he admitted to cheating on his wife and doing coke all the time, is trailing New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo 61-18 (!) in a theoretical gubernatorial primary poll. In a theoretical general election matchup against RUDY TERRIBLE GIULIANI he is losing 53-32. [Quinnipiac]

Watch out America, because Eliot Spitzer is buying LAND, LAND we tell you! LAND! In Washington D.C., right near where he banged the gal that time in the hotel thing. MORE »

Filthy cock jackal Eliot Spitzer has written another one of those columns for the online Slate magazine, and he’s already mastering the “Slate Style,” which is to take a widely accepted belief (e.g., “Dogs make good pets”) and write a cool 600 words arguing why its opposite is SECRETLY truer (”Why all dogs should die”). In this column he tackles Obama’s big infrastructure plan, saying that instead of funding immediate road repairs and stuff for short-term stimulus’ sake, we should invest in transforming the foundation of America’s infrastructure. It is a stupid article because, um, Obama’s plans do include all of that, which is kind of the point. This leads us to Spitzer’s ace-in-the-hole, which is of course the massive federal funding of Robot Construction. MORE »

Now that it’s officially pre-2009, we can start guiltlessly recycling all the material we’ve already written into Top Ten Posts. Today’s took a surprisingly long time to compile. It seemed like a good idea to look at all the funny terms we used to describe our Political Enemies, and it turns out that phrases like “rancid shit-sack,” “vulgar fraud,” “human garbage,” and “cretin” turn up with shocking frequency around these parts. So, after the jump, a painstakingly culled collection of our favorite mean phrases we used to describe objectionable people such as Joe the Plumber, Eliot Spitzer, and of course our all-time favorite, the humanoid sewer-pipe and self-professed eternal virgin Joe Lieberman. MORE »

How do you “sex up” your latest middlebrow conventional-wisdom financial column in Slate, which is the U.S. News & World Report for people who have learned the computer? You hire a disgraced New York governor now only known for paying far too much money to have sex with a hooker! And that is worth one (1) morning of goofy New York tabloid headlines such as “Slate hot for Love Gov Eliot Spitzer as online finance guru” and two (2) posts on Wonkette. Let’s review Spitzer’s debut as yet another Web freelancer typing zero-research op-eds on the Internets! MORE »

SPITZER TO EDIT SLATE’S NEW LADY BLOG, XX FACTOR: Or something! The Observer reports that human penis Eliot Spitzer will be writing a column for the online Slate magazine, starting tomorrow. Oh that Slate, always keeping us on our toes! The column “will appear every other week and it’ll be about government, regulation and finance.” In other words: just softcore. And… uh… just imagine that this post had clever sex jokes in it, k? [Observer]

Our favorite New Jersey hooker who accidentally destroyed Eliot Spitzer’s political career is just a dumb kid trying to make sense of a crazy world, right? And the only interesting thing in her entire life already happened. And she didn’t even know it! She had no idea who Spitzer even was, because who would know those things, being an adult, living in New York, and working for an expensive escort service serving Wall Street men, right? So she finally pops her head out of the media hole, finds Diane Sawyer (who happens to be spending months doing some teevee segment on prostitutes, who are mostly — and tragically — ugly old junkies), and declares that she wants a “singing career.” MORE »