Tag Archives: eliot spitzer

  Old news

Missouri Family Values Republican Sorry For Sexting Co-Ed, Ready To Forget This Ever Happened

He said he's sorry, let it go!
Missouri House Speaker John Diehl — Republican, family man, church-goer, and opponent of marriage equality because “tradition” and “the children” — is very, very sorry y’all found out about his sexxxytime texting with a college freshman and telling her paperback romance novel words like he wants to “leave her quivering” and also looking at pictures of her hot bikini’d bod and such. Read more on Missouri Family Values Republican Sorry For Sexting Co-Ed, Ready To Forget This Ever Happened…
  deleted comments

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Dusky-Hued Takers Will Sweep Wendy Davis Into Office

Our first submission in the pending comment queue, that purgatory where first-time comments wait to be approved or flushed, came in reply to the story about how Wendy Davis told filthy lies about being a “single mother” when she was in fact a “separated but living alone whilst not yet having filed for divorce” mother, and also she married a nice guy and accepted his offer to pay for some of her college, just like whores do. This provoked history buff “Antietam123” to let some bull run: FOLKS, it doesn’t matter if Wendy Davis is a pathological liar. This is what you must understand. Liberal Progressives have absolutely zero concern about their candidate’s integrity as long as that candidate promises to deliver STUFF. “JUS GIMME MO GUBERMINT STUFF OFF DA BACKS UV DOZ DAMN TAXPAYERS!” He seems nice. Bet he really resented it when some dope at MSNBC suggested that the right wing was racist. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Dusky-Hued Takers Will Sweep Wendy Davis Into Office…
  suck on this

Sadly, Eliot Spitzer Less Of A Horndog Than Recent Media Reports Indicate

Media, media, why hast thou forsaken us? It’s like you can’t pick up a trashy New York tabloid with wildly unfunny headlines and believe a thing they say anymore! It appears that the salacious NY Post story about Eliot ‘Client 9 Inches’ Spitzer sucking the toes of his topless girlfriend while on vacation in Jamaica was FALSE. We expect this kind of slack journalism from the hacks over at 60 Minutes, but the New York Post!?!? What is this world coming to?  Read more on Sadly, Eliot Spitzer Less Of A Horndog Than Recent Media Reports Indicate…
  hot tub slime machine

Eliot Spitzer Does Toe-Sucking To Topless Lady In Hot Tub; New York Post Is *On It*

We are not sure what is ickier: Eliot Spitzer and his girlfriend Lis Smith doing sexxytime in a hot tub in Jamaica, or the New York Post’s description of same: Sleazy Eliot Spitzer turned a resort hot tub into a steamy love cauldron over the weekend — kissing and sucking the toes of his topless mistress, Lis Smith, in front of families with children, mortified witnesses told The Post. The still-married former Love Gov and Smith, Mayor de Blasio’s ex-mouthpiece, were spied frolicking near the family pool at around 4 p.m. Sunday at the Half Moon family resort in Montego Bay, Jamaica We did not know that anyone really wrote like that, even in a tabloid, and quite frankly we think there is no reason to expose innocent readers to that sort of thing. This isn’t purple prose; it’s well into the ultraviolet spectrum. Read more on Eliot Spitzer Does Toe-Sucking To Topless Lady In Hot Tub; New York Post Is *On It*…
  green balloons

Eliot Spitzer’s Hooker Forgot Their Safeword

The New York Post sure does have a hard-on for Eliot Spitzer lately, which is funny because he does not actually hold any elected position, but that is not stopping them from calling for New York Mayor-elect Bill de Blasio to fire some chick for being porked by Spitzer, consensually, and without (presumably) an exchange involving cash, which we did not even cover because it was so fucking weird. Like, Andrea Peyser is sort of beyond mockery at this point, because we do not like to make fun of the mentally ill. :( Well, everyone laughed at them all week about it, like, what is even your damage, HEATHER, but now they are back with more, and at least this one has some sort of relevancy to something we guess, and that relevancy is that there is a hooker and she is saying way worse things about Eliot Spitzer than that he didn’t like to take off his socks. She is saying, in fact, that he liked to choke her, and we think we are supposed to be very OUTRAGED by this? (Spoiler: we are not very outraged by this.) Read more on Eliot Spitzer’s Hooker Forgot Their Safeword…
  the dems have it

The 5 Worst Political Husbands From New York And New Jersey In Reverse Chronological Order

Steve Lonegan (R). Known mostly for having an aide with very forward-thinking, sex-positive thoughts on ladies what got hot knockers, Lonegan is just some poor sad schmuck. And this is how he treats his wife when she tries to comfort him during his concession speech :( Read more on The 5 Worst Political Husbands From New York And New Jersey In Reverse Chronological Order…
  buttsechs

Eliot Spitzer’s Comptroller Race Just Got A Lot More Frottage

The last time we saw Thomas Lopez-Pierre, he was writing a pretty awesome letter about Jews. He loved boning Jewesses! He once saved some Hasidic kids by going after other black kids with a broken bottle! He remembers that Jews helped out in the ’60s civil rights fights! He just didn’t like it when Jews were greedy. It was a hell of a letter! Well now, Eliot Spitzer — you remember him, he was that guy? — has quite unaccountably been campaigning alongside Thomas Lopez-Pierre. And Spitzer’s opponent for NYC controller comptroller (goddammit), Scott Stringer, was all “eh, maybe not campaigning alongside the BALLS-OUT RACISTS, EH?” (For some reason, in our imaginings, Scott Stringer is Canadian.) And then Scott Stringer held a press conference to denounce and reject, but did not show up at his own press conference? But Thomas Lopez-Pierre did! And that is when, says NYC Assemblywoman Linda Rosenthal, Lopez-Pierre rubbed his penis on her butt like a common subway rider. HOLY FUCK. Read more on Eliot Spitzer’s Comptroller Race Just Got A Lot More Frottage…
  today on cable teevee

Al Gore Fires Keith Olbermann For Being Terrible

Sanctimonious screeching creep Keith Olbermann, whose ego isn’t the size of Jupiter but certainly is that of Jupiter’s largest moon, has been fired from his 757th job on television, for being horrible. Current TeeVee owner and other relatively liberal person Al Gore was the one who did the firing, in an explosive memo which arrived at the common conclusion that Keith Olbermann is someone with whom it’s impossible to work. His replacement — starting tonight — will be former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer, last seen achieving the remarkable feat of being CNN’s most boring primetime host and, before that, constantly having sex with prostitutes. But but but, you will inevitably say in the comments because that’s what you always do on Olbermann posts, Keith Olbermann was the only thing that kept me sane during the Bush administration, with his unwatchable 10-minute fake rants where he pretended to be Ed Murrow! Never understood it; can’t offer you much help in that regard. Read more on Al Gore Fires Keith Olbermann For Being Terrible…
  good riddance

CNN Fires Eliot Spitzer For Boring Everyone To Death

Eliot Spitzer is unemployed again, because ratings on his terrible CNN solo talk show “In the Arena” have repeatedly indicated that America is not interested in watching Spitzer sex himself on teevee. What about if Eliot Spitzer pays America to watch? Would she do it then? No, gross, just please go away. We have never seen this awful program, mostly because we are creeped out by Eliot Spitzer and find his opinions inspid. Oh well, he still has that mind-numbing Slate column for torturing people who like that kind of thing. Replacing Spitzer in the 8 p.m. time slot will be Anderson Cooper with his furry fetish program, which apparently does it for America enough that it will also begin running twice a night. Read more on CNN Fires Eliot Spitzer For Boring Everyone To Death…
  wonkette exclusives

Wonkette’s Exclusive Interview With ‘Client 9’ Director Alex Gibney!

The fabulous Liz Glover and your very own “meh” Riley Waggaman sat down with Alex Gibney to discuss his new documentary, Client 9, which chronicles the rise and fall of Eliot Spitzer. Were you aware that Eliot Spitzer was once a powerful politician who used to regularly kick the shit out of evil investment banks? Now he is just the co-host of some sad teevee show. What on earth happened? You must watch Gibney’s documentary in order to find out! Anyway, here is our interview: Read more on Wonkette’s Exclusive Interview With ‘Client 9’ Director Alex Gibney!…
  seemed like such a good idea on paper

Parker-Spitzer Ratings Tank, Proving Existence Of Loving God

CNN this year has posed a bold question: Is America ready for a TV news/chat/whatever show co-hosted by an ex-governor disgraced for patronizing prostitutes and a Pulitzer-prize winning columnist who hates both half-breeds and snowbillies? America has taken its time getting back to us on this, but we finally heard from them, and they said “What? No, hell no, we are not watching that”: Read more on Parker-Spitzer Ratings Tank, Proving Existence Of Loving God…
 

Russia-Wonkette Must-See TeeVee

Inexplicably, the international 24/7 English-language Russia Today TV channel has taken a liking to your Wonkette. One reason may be that we are not afraid to girlishly post sexxxy pics of Putin atop his noble steed or on a topless fishing excursion. Another reason may be that Rasputin is Wonkette’s “spirit animal.” Anyway, in this week’s installment of Your Wonkette On Telly, everyone makes fun of the Tea Party and also a humorous pun is crafted out of the raw material that is CNN superstar Eliot Spitzer’s surname. Read more on Russia-Wonkette Must-See TeeVee…
  this is what you are punished with for hiring prostitutes now

Check Out Eliot Spitzer’s Amazing New On-Air Chemistry!

This thing is debuting October 4 and will be called Parker Spitzer, which is what all good trailer-park Americans are naming their children these days, because they saw some celebrity name their child that. Will we get to witness these amazing Spitzer sports comedy stylings we see a glimpse of at the :45 mark EVERY NIGHT? For the future of American political discourse, we can only hope. [CNN] Read more on Check Out Eliot Spitzer’s Amazing New On-Air Chemistry!…
  he said she said we suffer

Eliot Spitzer, Kathleen Parker To Be Quarantined On Terrible CNN Show

Do you worry every time you leave your house about encountering Eliot Spitzer, who will attempt to pay you for sex, or Kathleen Parker, who will attempt to determine if you are a “full-blooded American,” and then bludgeon you with her Pulitzer Prize if you aren’t? Well, now at least the period from 8 to 9 p.m. every night will be safe, because these two will be busy making eyes at each other on CNN during that time period. Quick, scurry out and purchase supplies! Read more on Eliot Spitzer, Kathleen Parker To Be Quarantined On Terrible CNN Show…
  today in webzines

GO BACK TO YOUR WHORES: Oh look, Eliot Spitzer is apparently still writing his awful column for Slate: “After reading the Gettysburg Address, does the idea of a carbon tax to finally move us away from an oil and old-energy dependence that is fouling not only the Gulf of Mexico but our entire climate, foreign policy, and economy seem so outrageous?” Uh? [Slate via Wonkette Operative Daniel McQuade] Read more on …
  rumors on the internets

Stop Hassling Eliot Spitzer — No Means No

Yes, yes, racial profiling is not necessarily “good,” but what if a police officer notices a scary brown (probably half-muslin) person walking around? What then? Should the brown person just be allowed to walk around? [Think Progress] Read more on Stop Hassling Eliot Spitzer — No Means No…