Barack Obama and his Husseinbots tried to suffocate all three Clintons last night, in a Pepsi Center elevator. That is not Change We Need — it’s attempted murder! Read this SUN-TIMES EXCLUSIVE MUST CREDIT: “The Clinton family — Bill, Hillary and Chelsea — got stuck in an elevator Wednesday night, shortly after they left their box at the Pepsi Center … The Clintons got stuck midway between one floor and the next, and ultimately had to climb out of the elevator, back up three-and-a-half-feet to the next floor.” According to this EXCLUSIVE, “Observers were impressed at how calm everyone remained” in the face of rogue black hope elevators trying to kill them. [Chicago Sun-Times]

* Not before 9, gentlemen: “I mean, never mind the whole hitting-on-someone-in-an-elevator thing, but who does this before 9am? Before the toothpaste taste has even left your mouth? Before the last eye booger has been found and stealthily removed?” [Average Jane]
* “Rock Your Body” in the CVS line. [If You See Something, Say Something]
* “CIA: Oooooh. English speaking democracies — you’re all the same to us!” [Talking Budgie]
* Concerned about the falling housing prices in Northern Virginia? You should be terrified. [Northern Virginia Housing Bubble Fallout]
* Want to feel cultured? Check out The Tempest at the Folger — or don’t. Read the review first. [Countersignature]

Here’s a grisly breaking news report: A naked dead construction worker has been found at the bottom of an elevator shaft at the Newseum construction site. MORE »

• Hyper-capitalist DC police know it’s only about the benjamins. [Good at Drinking, Bad at Life]

• All of civilization rests on the presumption that after the massive exertion of holding the “door open” button, the holder receives acknowledgement from the holdee. Failure means chaos. [More Than My Luggage]
• Neurological disorders are fucking hilarious, apparently. [Craigslist]
• 12 year old boy steal your phone? Chase n’ mace. [Metroblogging DC]

Honestly, what can we possibly add to this: MORE »